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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ExP treating former step children differently

282 replies

Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 19:52

Short backstory, I have 3 children with ExH and 1 shared child with ExP, ExP also has a daughter (my SD). ExP has been there since older DCs were toddlers until he walked out 4 days before Christmas (whole other thread)

Since then he has only been interested in DS (his son), ExH treats all 5 children the same but ExP pretends mine don't exist.

He takes his son and daughter out regularly to the park, fishing, family days out - all of which I dismiss to the DCs and point out we don't have to do everything the same but here comes the sticking point... A while ago ExP took DS to the cinema, he burst through the door shouting "I went to the cinema" meanwhile the DCs had been at home while I was at work. I took ExP to one side and said would it have been too much to include them? He has space in his car, I would have happily paid and they would have loved it. He apologised and said he'd think first next time. I took this as he would include them with big days out, just like I always and still do include his daughter (we're talking trips he didn't come on I would get my dad to take a child to free up space for SD). I'm not quibbling the weekly contact, just when there's a big day out they might be included, you know he was their father figure for how many years? He might have a slight affection for them like I wouldn't buy ice creams for my children but not the neighbour who's come round to play.

Fast forward to this weekend, DS bursts in the door "I've been to the beach" cue 3 crestfallen faces! I stepped outside to ask what's going on and he is completely unrepentant "they're nothing to do with me" "they have their own dad" "I'm a good dad" he fails to see their gutted faces and bewilderment. They've only ever known everyone is included, no one is left out. When one gets invited to a party they know their time will come later in the year, they know if one gets a medal at school if they work hard enough they might too. They're not entitled in the slightest so am I being unreasonable to expect him to show an ounce of compassion for them?

Not to drip feed but this is not about me, I don't want to be included in these days out, I don't expect him to pay for anything, just when it's a big day out include all the siblings (bearing in mind DD and SD were best friends throughout school and she still comes around here)

OP posts:
DopamineHits · 11/08/2020 22:10

They are not technically his step-children and never were.

He was in their lives for as long as they can remember, he lived with them and was a part of their family. And he's a shit for dropping them after leaving his relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2020 22:11

Just look at the stepparent board. Loads of people don't like their step children.

Look at the Parenting board. Loads of people don’t like their own kids.

While this man may have moved out close to Christmas, and we don’t know why, he’s showing up for his own kids and they’re having a wonderful time with him. Hopefully they also get nice days out with their mum though OP refuses to say how often.

There’s a lot of children but thankfully also a lot of parents so I’m sure there’s enough love and fun to go around.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 11/08/2020 22:11

@Ullupullu

This set up is so confusing. Do your other children see their father?
Yes and apparently he takes all 5 kids out on his own, including the ex p's daughter from a previous relationship. And the ex p and the girl's mother are both entirely fine with their child off with this random who is nothing to do them at all.
Bollss · 11/08/2020 22:11

@Zilla1

Sandyy2k, To me, if he acted like a father while in a relationship with their mother for eight years for young children makes them a father IMO, not the being in a relationship with the mother. In biology, being a parent is more than genetics.
I've been in a relationship with my oh for nearly 8 years. Known his child a year less. It doesn't make me his mother or anything close to it. I care about him a lot but I'm not his mum. I don't want to be his mum, and his mum sure as shite doesn't want me to be his mum.

All step families are different.

I couldn't whole heartedly say I'd have a relationship with DSS if me and dp split up. I don't honestly know how things would pan out.

DopamineHits · 11/08/2020 22:13

Your kids are learning a valuable life lesson - they aren't always going to be invited or included in everything.

They've probably learned a life lesson, yes. But far from a valuable one, quite a sad one actually.

MikeUniformMike · 11/08/2020 22:14

@DopamineHits, yes but did he have parental responsibility?

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 11/08/2020 22:14

@MikeUniformMike

They are not technically his step-children and never were.
Exactly and conversely, if the OP had initiated the split and never wanted her ex p to have contact with her biological children from a previous relationship, people would have told him tough shit, that she has no obligation to allow him to contact those children, no matter how much of a 'father' he was to them.
LunchBoxPolice · 11/08/2020 22:18

Christ what a mess. Stop trying to force a relationship between the kids and your ex’s - they aren’t their parents.

kissmysass · 11/08/2020 22:22

Like a pp said, it is you that doesn't want to deal with the issues arising from the blending and unblending of a family and think its best to play happy families without the relationship.

Jussayingisall · 11/08/2020 22:24

Not his kids not his problem. Is Kyle still on the TV?

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 11/08/2020 22:26

Yabu
He isn't their stepfather
It's ok for him to want to spend his time with just his own children.
Maybe he was very fond of your other children and wants to avoid the hurt and confusion of not being in their lives now because he is no longer your partner so stays outside for this reason.
Whatever his reason is I think it's perfectly valid for him not to want to be responsible for 3 extra children that aren't even his.

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2020 22:27

So on the basis that children are just pawns to be picked up and put down at will by the people who come in and out of their lives, why does anyone think it’s acceptable to develop a relationship with someone who has children? Or to get into a relationship with someone who has children, when you know those children are going to be the collateral damage when that relationship breaks down?

People really think that it’s perfectly understandable this man would stay in the car to avoid these children whose lives he was in for eight years? And let’s not get into the semantics of “he’s not really a step parent,” because actually yes, he was. Or does marriage define everything? If he was a father figure in these children’s lives and shared a house with their mother then he was a step parent. Marriage doesn’t actually give a step parent any rights so it’s irrelevant whether they were married or not.

And people wonder why so many step children show animosity towards their step parents. It’s hardly surprising when it transpires that those step parents just consider them to be nothing to them and that as soon as they leave the relationship they can walk out of their lives for good. And yet people expect DSC to show them respect? I don’t think so.

Ineedamuchbiggerhouse · 11/08/2020 22:28

Hmm this thread, the replies are making me sad. Not many people considering this from the point of view of the kids who have through no fault of their own just lost a parent. Well kind of, still there isn't he, showing over and over how much he doesn't care about them. Sorry OP, I get where you're coming from and think YANBU to feel sad for them.

I think it's the callousness that gets me. He was in their lives for 8 years, sicknesses, successes, assemblies and now he doesn't even talk to them. He waits in his car for DS and leaves with no hi nor bye

I agree, callous. If I was in his position I would maybe ask to spend a bit of time with them too, even if just a chat. Do they miss him, have they said that? Its hard to believe they wouldn't after 8 of their formative years.
I get the other side of the argument too that its a lot of kids and responsibility, changes the dynamic of a day out etc. But to not see them at all after 8 years is emotionally tough to take Flowers

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 11/08/2020 22:31

Maybe he stays in the car because he doesn't want to deal with guilt trips or passive aggressive 'I'm nicer than you' or hints to take all of them out for childcare.

Original poster
Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 22:31

Thank you to a lot of the latter posters, we were a blended family, we are no longer and yes that is shit. He is not their father, they have their own but he was a significant adult in their life. To the poster who said I just want childcare - WOW Shock
Moving on, I am listening and fully acknowledging we need to move on, if you read my OP you'll see I've only had cause for complaint twice in the last 8 months, however I see that taking 5 children to the cinema or beach would be a huge undertaking for a man.

To the posters asking about DSD's own mum we are actually really good friends and she knows and trusts my ExH (as you would when you've known someone for 8 years)

To the poster who commented regarding safeguarding what a sad and fearful life you lead Shock I am actually Irish and my male family members would be highly offended you have categorically cast them as untrustworthy around children lest they molest them Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 22:34

I just wrote moving I am moving on Blush

Teach me to proofread Blush

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 11/08/2020 22:34

@AlternativePerspective

So on the basis that children are just pawns to be picked up and put down at will by the people who come in and out of their lives, why does anyone think it’s acceptable to develop a relationship with someone who has children? Or to get into a relationship with someone who has children, when you know those children are going to be the collateral damage when that relationship breaks down?

People really think that it’s perfectly understandable this man would stay in the car to avoid these children whose lives he was in for eight years? And let’s not get into the semantics of “he’s not really a step parent,” because actually yes, he was. Or does marriage define everything? If he was a father figure in these children’s lives and shared a house with their mother then he was a step parent. Marriage doesn’t actually give a step parent any rights so it’s irrelevant whether they were married or not.

And people wonder why so many step children show animosity towards their step parents. It’s hardly surprising when it transpires that those step parents just consider them to be nothing to them and that as soon as they leave the relationship they can walk out of their lives for good. And yet people expect DSC to show them respect? I don’t think so.

Or. Here's a crazy idea.

People should stop shaking up and having kids with every partner they're with and actually start thinking of the consequences of their actions and what their children are going to have to live with.

Original poster
Sofiasamulet · 11/08/2020 22:35

Ffs moving on I am moving on Angry

Get the impression I want to move on Grin

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2020 22:42

People should stop shaking up and having kids with every partner they're with and actually start thinking of the consequences of their actions and what their children are going to have to live with. and the difference would be???? I mean, if it became the accepted norm that you didn’t have new partners while your children were of school age in order to protect them, then people wouldn’t be having children with more than one partner would they?

So what you’re suggesting is actually the same, after all, even if the partner didn’t father any children, they can still hurt the ones they are a father figure to when they casually walk away and the children are expected to accept that they were nothing to them.

In fact maybe we should start telling children that when we get into relationships with other people, “remember, don’t get too close, this man/woman is nothing to you,” except when it’s the other parent who does it it’s called family alienation.... Hmm

Exilecardigan · 11/08/2020 22:43

Agreed @AskingforaBaskin

Grapewrath · 11/08/2020 22:43

YABU OP
Presumably his biological children don’t live with him, he will be using his contact time to spend time with them. It’s unfair to expect him to dilute that by taking your other kids.
Essentially step parents have to form relationships with their step children and often these are loving and reciprocal. This doesn’t mean that step parents should carry these relationships on once the partnership is over.
If you remarried, it would further complicate things etc

Angelina82 · 11/08/2020 22:46

It’s a shit situation for sure, but I think it unreasonable that you expect your ex to take 5 children out every time. Can’t you do something nice with your 3 when your other child is out with his dad?

Grapewrath · 11/08/2020 22:47

The comments about safeguarding are some of the list ridiculous I’ve ever read on Mumsnet.
Christ, children go out with family friends, godparents etc etc on a regular basis. Ridiculous to assume it’s a safeguarding issue.

AskingforaBaskin · 11/08/2020 22:48

the difference would be???? I mean, if it became the accepted norm that you didn’t have new partners while your children were of school age in order to protect them, then people wouldn’t be having children with more than one partner would they?

And how would that be a bad thing.
JFC parents need to stop thinking they're so entitled to everything.

PixieLee123 · 11/08/2020 22:48

I think its quite telling the way you lump all these kids together when they are all individuals, different ages, with different parents. I don’t think your exP is doing anything wrong by wanting to spend quality time alone with his DC. You have a very strange set up with your exH but that is not the norm.