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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to buy DD birthday present even though DH doesn’t want me to?

150 replies

somethingunpredictable2012 · 10/08/2020 16:27

DD age 7 absolutely loves Disney Descendants films at the moment, she’s never usually into anything like this, so this year it has been nice to have some specific ideas for her birthday next month. She has asked for “Mal’s Spell Book” from the films and a dress up costume. I can’t get the costume as they are out of stock and I have lost out on second hand ones online. I have part of an outfit so I think she will be pleased with that, but DH doesn’t want me to get her “Mal’s Spell Book” from the film as he comes from a religious family and considers it to be ‘occult’ content, he also doesn’t like talk of magic or tooth fairies etc. either! I’m not religious at all and I don’t have a problem with any of this so I usually just talk to him about how it’s just pretend fun and he comes round to the idea, but not this time! He doesn’t have a problem with her watching the films, just doesn’t want her to have a “spell book”. I have explained it’s a Disney book and is just basically the story of the film with sort of diary entries from the characters, but it does have some “spells” written inside which is the part he doesn’t like so he says she can’t have it. I have it in my Amazon basket but know he will be furious if I buy it. But also it’s the only thing other than a dress up costume my DD has asked for, so either she’s disappointed or DH is angry on her birthday. Do I just buy it?

OP posts:

welcometohell · 10/08/2020 18:58

When you decided to have children together did you agree to raise them according to your DH's religious beliefs?
If so then it's a difficult one and there will probably be much bigger disagreements than this book to contend with as she gets older.

I can't for the life of me understand why a child watching a TV show about witches/magic spells and dressing up as a witch is fine but a book about witches spells isn't! So at the very least I would expect him to clarify exactly what the distinction is and why it's such an important distinction that it warrants disappointing your child on her birthday.

backseatcookers · 10/08/2020 19:06

@Mummyoflittledragon

Monkey wth?? That’s spooky. Two hidden.

I think @monkeymonkey2010 must have shared an anti MNHQ spell...

Frazzled13 · 10/08/2020 19:09

While I personally disagree with his views, I'd be pissed if someone bought my 7 year old something that went against my fundamental values.

PanamaPattie · 10/08/2020 19:10

Turning water into wine - magic or faith?

You will have bigger problems with your marriage and your daughter if you and your DH can't agree on a child's spell book.

DorisLessingsLesson · 10/08/2020 19:19

The dd specifically asked for it
She also asked for a costume that she isn't getting. Parents direct DCs to more appropriate presents all the time because of expense, values, beliefs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2020 19:29

backseat
Yeh I was thinking it was spooky magic. I’m guessing there’s algorithms at play and certain words trigger an automatic hide post...

riotlady · 10/08/2020 19:32

How are you raising her religion-wise, apart from this? Are you raising her in your DHs religion? If not, what discussions have you had around the impact of his beliefs on your parenting and your lives?

Summer41 · 10/08/2020 19:39

What I usually do in this situation is ask a relative on my side of the family to buy it then pretend to know nothing about it, the DC must have mentioned it to Auntie/Granny when I wasn't listening. DP won't say anything if someone else paid for it!

msflibble · 10/08/2020 19:41

His attitude is a bit extreme. I think the idea of a Disney franchise being a gateway drug into actual witchcraft is completely ridiculous.

I'm all for respecting religious beliefs in general, but this is nuts. Lots of kids love the idea of magic, it's part of childhood FFS! Whether or not you buy the book she's going to be exposed to stories and narratives about witches, fairies and spells, so why shouldn't she just have the book anyway? It's not like she's going to make a mistake while playing with it and accidentally summon Beelzebub

ZoeCM · 10/08/2020 19:51

I don't understand why our society tiptoes around religious people so much. If an adult believes in Santa, people will openly mock them, but if they have an imaginary friend called God or Allah people will make a show of respecting their beliefs.

msflibble · 10/08/2020 19:59

@ZoeCM I'm not religious but personally wouldn't mock someone for just believing in god as I know it's very closely held belief that often brings people comfort.

But restricting harmless kids' toys because you're afraid they might encourage Satanic worship is nothing more than paranoid superstition and should be roundly mocked at every possible opportunity.

SweatyAmy · 10/08/2020 20:00

A friend of mine had parents like your DH who banned her from reading the Harry Potter books (this was during the noughties, so peak hype) and from dating.

So she read the books in secret at school and at her friends house. When it came to dating it was all in secret, so meeting at the boys houses, meeting in the park and lying about where she was. Considerably less safe than those of us whose parents knew where we were.

Time for a serious talk with your DH OP. Stories with magic in are very popular with children and teens, and she is going to want to read them.

For what it's worth the most religious people I know are all big Harry Potter fans, they attend church weekly but also do Hallowe'en, watch films with magical themes etc. because they realise that these things aren't real and are just a bit of fun!

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2020 20:08

Well I do think YANBU and for me this is a hill to die on, I'm atheist and wouldn't want my daughter's tastes creativity being subjected to these religious standards. But it's surprising that you haven't discussed it before, it could lead to a lot of problems in the future.

I agree with others, it's purely anecdotal but the only people I know who had strict religious parents have gone on to rebel against it. One wasn't allowed to read Harry Potter etc and she's now obsessed with all things gothic and occult. She has a terrible relationship with her parents, she's also detransitioning from being trans, is gay and has a lot of mental health problems. These are also things that, if they come up with your daughter, could cause a lot of damage if he takes a similar stance. It might just be a toy now but it could get a lot worse if you're not on the same page.

UserFriendly14 · 10/08/2020 20:15

@Summer41

But with this and other similar suggestions- of course the DP will mention it and probably take it away still, if their beliefs are that highly held. Then you’ve got an even more hurt child, because it was within their reach and then taken away.

Plus, do you really detract from your own spouses beliefs to the extent that you are still technically going behind their back and potentially involving other members of the family in the deceit?

Like I said, I have no regard for this man’s views in itself, but I do think you need to be on equal ground.

BarbedBloom · 10/08/2020 20:21

Well I am witch so wouldn't have married him but that isn't helpful. The fact is you know the two of you have different beliefs and that makes raising a child difficult. He does need to accept that as she gets older she may not hold the same beliefs as him, otherwise he will lose her.

You need to talk to him. This is going to keep coming up again and again

reluctantbrit · 10/08/2020 20:24

@DorisLessingsLesson

There are lots of Descendants' gifts. Only one of them upsets your DH so why would you choose that one? I'm sure your DD will be equally delighted with one of the dolls, or the diary or the mugs or the t-shirts or the hoodies, etc, etc. I think it's important to respect your partner's beliefs whether you agree with them or not. If you don't respect each other's beliefs and values, I'm not sure how you manage to navigate a marriage tbh.

But I think it is going deeper than "just a gift". He tries to put his stamp on what his daughter can do and can't do. OP's original post even said he is not happy withe the tooth fairy.

So it goes deeper than "just the spell book" and then I would think a general discussion about how to bring up a child and what beliefs should be taught is necessary.

His religious beliefs do not trump the OP's not religious ones. You coulod argue that he doesn't respect her beliefes.
They need to come to some common ground how to bring up their child.

And with 7 I am sure DD would have been very disappointed if a gift she asked for wasn't there, especially as DD only asked for a small numbers and we openly said if one was out of question and why.

Having different values is difficult if you raise a child but not impossible especially if the child gets older.

WhereamI88 · 10/08/2020 20:27

@BarbedBloom Well I am witch

I'm sorry, what do you mean???

pictish · 10/08/2020 20:37

What a silly stance to take. Yanbu.

yakj67 · 10/08/2020 20:37

@WhereamI88

I'm guessing she might be Wiccan/Pagan.

peajotter · 10/08/2020 20:52

YABU . Regardless as to whether you respect his beliefs, it’s important to respect him. Don’t go behind his back.

There must be compromises she would like, and if not then he should be the one to explain to dd why she can’t have it.

Everyone has their lines somewhere. I would reluctantly allow my teenage dd to choose a birthday T-shirt that said “princess”. I would not allow her to choose one that says “porn star”. Respect his lines as much as possible, even if you disagree with them. And he will respect yours too.

Newnamenewopenme · 10/08/2020 20:56

You married him and had a child with him so you've signed up to all that he is including his religion, even if you think it's batshit.

He married her and had a child with her so he signed up to her open mindedness, even if he thinks it’s batshit.

I would get my sister to buy it and me not know about it!

CherryPavlova · 10/08/2020 20:56

You probably need to learn to be equal parents and not compete in nicest parent competition. Unity in parenting is good. You might disagree but he feels strongly. There are hundreds of presents a seven year old would like. Do you want him to opt out of parenting or do you want your children to grow learning to respect people?

Daftodil · 10/08/2020 20:58

You see all sorts of threads on here about parents, stepparents, grandparents etc feeding a child something against the mother's wishes (meat, sugar, McDonald's etc), cutting a child's hair against the mother's wishes, putting a child in particular outfits against the mother's wishes and everyone says how outrageous that is and that people should respect the parent's wishes, yet it seems a lot of people on here don't seem to think that a father's wishes should be respected at all!

If he feels strongly enough about it that you've discussed it specifically, then I think you would be unreasonable to buy it.

How would you feel if he went behind your back about something you felt strongly about?

giggly · 10/08/2020 20:58

My friend went absolute bananas at me when I bought her daughter a yoga book. Who knew yoga was so offensive to some Christians

Daftodil · 10/08/2020 21:01

He tries to put his stamp on what his daughter can do and can't do.

Isn't that what every parent does?

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