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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to buy DD birthday present even though DH doesn’t want me to?

150 replies

somethingunpredictable2012 · 10/08/2020 16:27

DD age 7 absolutely loves Disney Descendants films at the moment, she’s never usually into anything like this, so this year it has been nice to have some specific ideas for her birthday next month. She has asked for “Mal’s Spell Book” from the films and a dress up costume. I can’t get the costume as they are out of stock and I have lost out on second hand ones online. I have part of an outfit so I think she will be pleased with that, but DH doesn’t want me to get her “Mal’s Spell Book” from the film as he comes from a religious family and considers it to be ‘occult’ content, he also doesn’t like talk of magic or tooth fairies etc. either! I’m not religious at all and I don’t have a problem with any of this so I usually just talk to him about how it’s just pretend fun and he comes round to the idea, but not this time! He doesn’t have a problem with her watching the films, just doesn’t want her to have a “spell book”. I have explained it’s a Disney book and is just basically the story of the film with sort of diary entries from the characters, but it does have some “spells” written inside which is the part he doesn’t like so he says she can’t have it. I have it in my Amazon basket but know he will be furious if I buy it. But also it’s the only thing other than a dress up costume my DD has asked for, so either she’s disappointed or DH is angry on her birthday. Do I just buy it?

OP posts:

YgritteSnow · 10/08/2020 17:19

@angelofthelight

Don't buy anything without sitting down and talking to him about it tonight. Ask him how he would feel if he did buy it for her? Would you like it if he bought something that offended you?

Man rules home and has The Last Word.

BluebellForest836 · 10/08/2020 17:19

He’s being a twat, buy the book.

I would and I wouldn’t say sorry for buying it.

BarefootHippieChick · 10/08/2020 17:20

Just wait until she turns into a goth teenager 😁

bridgetreilly · 10/08/2020 17:20

He's entitled to be as involved in decision making for your child as you are. Buying something you know he does not want her to have, even though you don't share his reasoning, is absolutely not okay. You have to respect him and his part in bringing your daughter up. This is not a hill to die on.

Find her some other stuff from the film that isn't a spell book.

notheragain4 · 10/08/2020 17:22

Does he stick to all of his religious beliefs quite so....religiously? If he's one of those that picks and chooses what suits him I wouldn't pay much attention tbh, especially if he lets things go that benefits him. If he's quite fanatical and generally sticks to his rules then I think it's perhaps a bigger conversation, it must be quite difficult raising a child with such fundamentally different beliefs.

Quartz2208 · 10/08/2020 17:23

Yes I think you need a good long talk now - we have gone from Descedants to Harry Potter to Vampires! Alongside Land of the Stories which is heavily spell based

Magic/Fantasy is a huge part of the young adult world

dudsville · 10/08/2020 17:23

This is why it's important to share core values, but that's by the by as you already have a child. If someone bought my child something i thought was unethical or immoral, say she really wanted a tee shirt with an inappropriate slogan on it, I'd be angry. You and your partner need to find a way forward for the remainder of time you make decisions for your child. After that time she can buy herself all sorts of things.

bridgetreilly · 10/08/2020 17:24

Your daughter is 7. Next year she will probably have forgotten about this present. But your husband will not forget if you buy her something he didn’t want her to have. Marriage is team work and comprise, not a competition.

This.

It's not about whether or not he's right. It's definitely not about 'teaching him a lesson'. It's about what kind of marriage you have. One where you both listen to and respect each other, or one where one person deliberately goes behind the other's back.

Icecreamsoda99 · 10/08/2020 17:31

I disagree that she will have forgotten, all I wanted one birthday was the Aladdin doll, I had Jasmine already. I thought they had got it for me when I saw the gifts wrapped up, I left it to last, unwrapped the gift and it was a board game, I still remember the bitter disappointment though I hid it as I didn't want to upset my mum.

However I do agree you shouldn't go behind you DH back, but I would insist if he won't let her have it he explains to her why she can't have it prior to her birthday, rather than the poor child be disappointed on the day!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/08/2020 17:32

I would ask him first and foremost why he gets the final say. Depending on his answer, I'd then decide whether to buy it or not.

DorisLessingsLesson · 10/08/2020 17:33

There are lots of Descendants' gifts. Only one of them upsets your DH so why would you choose that one? I'm sure your DD will be equally delighted with one of the dolls, or the diary or the mugs or the t-shirts or the hoodies, etc, etc.
I think it's important to respect your partner's beliefs whether you agree with them or not. If you don't respect each other's beliefs and values, I'm not sure how you manage to navigate a marriage tbh.

CanICelebrate · 10/08/2020 17:35

I would talk to him again but I wouldn’t buy it behind his back. I felt similarly to your husband about something when my dc were little (not a spell book as I’m a huge HP fan myself but something that I didn’t believe was appropriate because of my faith) and we ended up finding a compromise which is always the best way.

iolaus · 10/08/2020 17:37

I don't quite get why he's happy for her to watch it and have other toys/outfits from it - but not this one

If she has asked for it specifically I would be talking with DH over it about the double standards he seems to be applying - if she's just asked for a descendents book there is EVies Fashion Book as well, or Mal's Diary

supercatlady · 10/08/2020 17:38

Is there an aunty or grandparent that might buy her the book?

lazylinguist · 10/08/2020 17:39

It’s hard, and he needs to not be so anal about it, but is it really worth the falling out over it?

If it were guaranteed to be just this once instance then maybe not. But it won't be, will it? It will be 'No, you can't read Harry Potter. Or watch the films. Or do Halloween. Or dress up as a fairy. Or go to your friend's magic-themed party. Or play that computer game with wizards in it. " etc etc. I can't even quantify the amount of pleasure, fun and enjoyment my (now tween/teen) dc have had from fantasy books, films and games and from sharing them with us and their friends.

Of course the OP knew about her dh's beliefs before she married him. But I can see how someone could be fine with their partner having different beliefs but fail to foresee some of the possible consequences of those beliefs. It's hard to predict parenting issues before you're a parent.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2020 17:39

I don't quite get why he's happy for her to watch it and have other toys/outfits from it - but not this one

Because he's a hypocrite.

Brefugee · 10/08/2020 17:40

Looks like you have a bit of a problem, OP, so it may be as well to sit down and get the religion and your daughter discussion over with before her birthday.
Assuming you knew the role religion plays in his family's life (has he always been as sensitive about things like this? or have you only really noticed now you have DD?). Did you ever discuss religion and how you'll bring up your children before you got pregnant or even married?

Frankly i don't get how religious people have such a beef with mild magic things like the tooth fairy when they're happy to accept Jesus (for eg) and his "miracles" which look a lot like magic to me, but then I'm not religious.

You need to do this sooner or later because Narnia and Harry Potter are on the horizon.

In your position i would tell DH that it's something your daughter has specifically asked for, and that you don't think it's harmful but that she won't be getting it out when his family are visiting or taking it on visits to them.

mrsBtheparker · 10/08/2020 17:40

I would be telling him that he had better come to terms with the fact that your daughter has her own interests and beliefs, and she has the right to explore them

Fine, as long as you're willing to accept this when she wants something about which you're not happy.

lazylinguist · 10/08/2020 17:41

There are lots of Descendants' gifts. Only one of them upsets your DH so why would you choose that one?

The OP didn't choose that one. The dd specifically asked for it. It says so in the original post.

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 10/08/2020 17:45

DD loves the Descendants, and has all of the books. She has made it to 12yo without turning to the dark side. . She loves Disney, Harry Potter and lots of other things. She realises that it is not real.

While I do think that you should buy it, I also think that you should discuss it with your DH and try to win him round. Can you order it so that he can have a look at it? He needs to face up to the fact this this is just a fairy tale and not real life. You are not signing DD up for the local coven.

YgritteSnow · 10/08/2020 17:49

Grown Man's fantasy beliefs trump those of 7 year old.

maxelly · 10/08/2020 17:49

@Aquamarine1029

I don't quite get why he's happy for her to watch it and have other toys/outfits from it - but not this one

Because he's a hypocrite.

Could be, or could be that letting her watch the films is his (perhaps reluctant) compromise and in acknowledgement as others have said that with the popularity of Harry Potter etc., he isn't going to be able to stop her ever hearing about witches, but that buying a spell book to encourage her to actively 'do'/pretend to do things witches do, and at an age where their grasp on reality vs pretend can be a bit shaky, is just a step too far. It has a certain logic as a position although I agree that I'm not sure why dressing up as a witch is OK but having a spell book isn't...

TeamLannister · 10/08/2020 17:50

I would buy the book and would tell him, I wouldn't do it behind his back. I would also tell him to stop being a fucking hysterical weirdo about it. And that he can Victorian Dad all he wants, but he doesn't to veto your DD's gifts or choices based on his own narrow minded beliefs.
What's he going to be like when she's a teenager, and god forbid, wants a life if her own!!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 10/08/2020 17:50

I dont think you can just shit on what are clearly important beliefs to him, for the sake of Disney tat.

If you know your husband is against these sort of themes, I would have probably steered her away from watching it in the first place?! She is young enough for you to have control over what she views, I would have encouraged towards things that weren't going to clash so obviously with her fathers belief. Theres a world of choice out there.

lazylinguist · 10/08/2020 17:50

Nicely put, YgritteSnow.

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