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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to buy DD birthday present even though DH doesn’t want me to?

150 replies

somethingunpredictable2012 · 10/08/2020 16:27

DD age 7 absolutely loves Disney Descendants films at the moment, she’s never usually into anything like this, so this year it has been nice to have some specific ideas for her birthday next month. She has asked for “Mal’s Spell Book” from the films and a dress up costume. I can’t get the costume as they are out of stock and I have lost out on second hand ones online. I have part of an outfit so I think she will be pleased with that, but DH doesn’t want me to get her “Mal’s Spell Book” from the film as he comes from a religious family and considers it to be ‘occult’ content, he also doesn’t like talk of magic or tooth fairies etc. either! I’m not religious at all and I don’t have a problem with any of this so I usually just talk to him about how it’s just pretend fun and he comes round to the idea, but not this time! He doesn’t have a problem with her watching the films, just doesn’t want her to have a “spell book”. I have explained it’s a Disney book and is just basically the story of the film with sort of diary entries from the characters, but it does have some “spells” written inside which is the part he doesn’t like so he says she can’t have it. I have it in my Amazon basket but know he will be furious if I buy it. But also it’s the only thing other than a dress up costume my DD has asked for, so either she’s disappointed or DH is angry on her birthday. Do I just buy it?

OP posts:
WhereamI88 · 10/08/2020 17:52

Hmmm coming from a religious background (although an atheist now) I really understand where he's coming from. Very religious people have a massive problem with magic, Harry Potter etc and while we can sit here and call him stupid, you knew that when marrying him.

Giving her the book would be a massive fuck you to your husband. It would be like him giving DD a massively controversial book/teaching her dinosaurs didn't exist/whatever religious thing that would piss you off.

It's a random spell book, she's 7 and will get over it.

spiritedawai · 10/08/2020 17:55

@WhereamI88

Hmmm coming from a religious background (although an atheist now) I really understand where he's coming from. Very religious people have a massive problem with magic, Harry Potter etc and while we can sit here and call him stupid, you knew that when marrying him.

Giving her the book would be a massive fuck you to your husband. It would be like him giving DD a massively controversial book/teaching her dinosaurs didn't exist/whatever religious thing that would piss you off.

It's a random spell book, she's 7 and will get over it.

It's really not the same though because magic isn't real and it's just a fun children's book, and dinosaurs did exist.
spiritedawai · 10/08/2020 17:56

@YgritteSnow

Grown Man's fantasy beliefs trump those of 7 year old.
Exactly this GrinGrinGrin
ittakes2 · 10/08/2020 18:07

I don’t think it’s for us or you to judge his beliefs - you said he would be furious - imagine if you requested something and he disagreed and did it anyway. The responses here have baffled me - if a man was asking should he go against his wife’s wishes I bet most would say no way but there seems to be support for you to go against his. My very religious friend was really anti Halloween - her kids were not allowed to participate for years due to her seeing it as devil’s work. But after a few years she’s changed her mind - her daughter now comes trick or treating with us and she just sees it as gathering sweets. But there is no way I was going to tell her her religious beliefs were wrong.

WhereamI88 · 10/08/2020 18:11

@spiritedawai you know what, I agree with you, I was just trying to emphasize that this is a big deal to him. I grew up in a very conservative Christian environment and I know how seriously this is taken. I think it's dumb but equally I would never marry someone very religious and choose to parent a child with them. OP did and if she has any respect for him then she will have to respect that and not buy the book. He is actually already compromising by allowing the girl to see the film and have the costume. So OP should meet him half way. That's my opinion anyway.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/08/2020 18:12

I mean... are these not conversations you have before having a child with someone??

Diva66 · 10/08/2020 18:14

Personally I think he’s nuts, but I’m an atheist so don’t believe in woo woo anyway. That said, if he’s really set against it I wouldn’t do it. Your DD will forget about it but your DH will be very hurt.

1forAll74 · 10/08/2020 18:14

Your daughter will be very happy with this gift, you are happy to buy this for her, so this is all that matters. I don't know why an adult would get in such a tizzy about a child's wish, to have a particular gift that she is set on.

cdtaylornats · 10/08/2020 18:25

Buy it. I remember when D&D started the religious loons were against it.

Tell him you've found a book she wants but it has Magic spells, strange beasts, lots of sex and violence,, incest and mass destruction. If he says no tell him it's the Bible.

ChikiTIKI · 10/08/2020 18:27

I think you should support your husband and choose another gift for your child. Although in saying this it seems like my beliefs are closer to his than yours so I may be biased... But I think if one of the parents is strongly against something and the other can cope with a compromise, then a compromise should be made.

We are OK with DDs doing make believe stuff as long as they know its not real. Maybe you should have a chat with your husband about what he feels his boundaries are to better understand his concerns, and ask him what kind of imagination play he is/isn't happy with.

If she really likes spells/witch stuff, she will play with or without the book. Children love imagination games!

RedlightGreenlight · 10/08/2020 18:28

I think you need to respect his religious beliefs and look for something else from the film.

Lelophants · 10/08/2020 18:32

I'd be pretty annoyed if my oh did something like that behind my back. You need to talk about it and compromise op.

Lelophants · 10/08/2020 18:36

Or buy it and show him it's not a spellbook, ask him to look through it and say you're happy to send it back if he's still not happy.
Did you agree whether you'd go by his religion when you married?

BayLeaves · 10/08/2020 18:38

This just seems absolutely nuts to me, I definitely couldn't be married to a man who takes this stuff seriously! You may as well be telling us that your husband believes in the tooth fairy.

When I was 13 my friends and I formed a witches coven and made up lots of our own spells involving crystals, candles, incense and weird chanting. I don't think any of us truly believed in it but do you know what happened as a result? We cemented our friendship through shared weirdness and now we're all still best friends now in our 30s despite living in different parts of the world and leading totally different lives.

RantyAnty · 10/08/2020 18:46

Buy it and show it to him. Let him see for himself it's just a kid's book. Nothing sinister.

ktp100 · 10/08/2020 18:49

I'd buy it. Kids shouldn't be left disappointed for things they want (within reason) for birthdays due to a parents weird ideologies.

He needs to get TF over himself.

ktp100 · 10/08/2020 18:51

Just a thought - could another family member get it for her? Would your DH take it from her once she'd opened it?

Or you could gift her an Amazon voucher and let let her get it herself?

Unless the kids are being raised in his religion I really don't see how he has a leg to stand on.

I mean, the tooth fairy, FFS!!

JulesCobb · 10/08/2020 18:51

He is being ridiculous. It isnt a real spell book. She wont be able to conjure the devil.

I got my daughter mal’s spell book a couple of christmas ago. She loved it.

monkeymonkey2010 · 10/08/2020 18:52

religion is the biggest spellcaster created by men!

don't allow his religious programming to ruin your daughter's childhood and life.....

monkeymonkey2010 · 10/08/2020 18:53

how did my post get hidden so quickly?????

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2020 18:53

YANBU
I think getting someone else to buy it for your dd is a good compromise. Can you get your parents to do it?

Are there things your dh gets your dd to do for example that you don’t agree with? Eg religion. If he does, I think this is your way in. You accept teaching dd his beliefs but he needs to accept her childish fantasies.

ktp100 · 10/08/2020 18:53

YgritteSnow - Grown Man's fantasy beliefs trump those of 7 year old.

100% this!!!

monkeymonkey2010 · 10/08/2020 18:53

RELIGION IS THE BIGGEST SPELLCASTER!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2020 18:54

Monkey wth?? That’s spooky. Two hidden.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2020 18:55

You must be saying a forbidden word.

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