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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to buy DD birthday present even though DH doesn’t want me to?

150 replies

somethingunpredictable2012 · 10/08/2020 16:27

DD age 7 absolutely loves Disney Descendants films at the moment, she’s never usually into anything like this, so this year it has been nice to have some specific ideas for her birthday next month. She has asked for “Mal’s Spell Book” from the films and a dress up costume. I can’t get the costume as they are out of stock and I have lost out on second hand ones online. I have part of an outfit so I think she will be pleased with that, but DH doesn’t want me to get her “Mal’s Spell Book” from the film as he comes from a religious family and considers it to be ‘occult’ content, he also doesn’t like talk of magic or tooth fairies etc. either! I’m not religious at all and I don’t have a problem with any of this so I usually just talk to him about how it’s just pretend fun and he comes round to the idea, but not this time! He doesn’t have a problem with her watching the films, just doesn’t want her to have a “spell book”. I have explained it’s a Disney book and is just basically the story of the film with sort of diary entries from the characters, but it does have some “spells” written inside which is the part he doesn’t like so he says she can’t have it. I have it in my Amazon basket but know he will be furious if I buy it. But also it’s the only thing other than a dress up costume my DD has asked for, so either she’s disappointed or DH is angry on her birthday. Do I just buy it?

OP posts:
Lipz · 10/08/2020 16:55

Tbh I'd buy it but then I wouldn't be with someone with those beliefs. I do try to understand different beliefs but sometimes things just sound crazy to me. You should really have a talk with him again, I know you have but have another, get both sides across. Point out it's a children's book. If he's adamant on something like this, he's in for a real shock with other things out there for kids. This should have been discussed before you had a child, how they would be reared and what beliefs they would be taught. It's only going to cause many arguments.

UserFriendly14 · 10/08/2020 16:57

While I, respectfully, think that is bonkers, you are equal parents here and I would feel betrayed if DH had done the opposite of something I held in high belief.

Excited101 · 10/08/2020 16:58

I couldn’t be with someone who was like this but in your shoes I don’t think I would buy it, it was your choice to be with someone as religious as he must be- surely there were hints he would feel this way? If you wouldn’t want him to do it to you, you can’t do it to him.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/08/2020 16:59

@Soubriquet

I think you need to respect his religious beliefs and look for something else from the film.

It’s hard, and he needs to not be so anal about it, but is it really worth the falling out over it?

But what about their daughter, that's what she wanted as a present, why should she miss out because one of her parents is religious? Why shouldn't it be her choice? Her mother has no issues with it and neither does the little girl, why should beliefs he holds over rule them both?
PlanDeRaccordement · 10/08/2020 17:00

I would respect his religious beliefs and the fact that DD is his daughter too. A spell book cannot be the only thing DD would like for her birthday. Get her something else.

Yankathebear · 10/08/2020 17:01

I assume that you knew his beliefs before marrying him?
I wouldn’t buy it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/08/2020 17:01

I don't think I could do it behind his back. But I also don't think I could leave the subject undiscussed.

Like, does he expect his DDs life to be bound by his parent's religious beliefs? Is it that he has a problem with it, that he maybe didn't expect to but now finds that he does? How does he suggest this issue is resolved, given that his DD is not being brought up within his religion but is being proscribed by it?

That sort of thing. Because it isn't fair, right, of him to apply such rules in such an arbitrary or high handed manner. You, and your DD, have thoughts, feelings and a right to self expression too!

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/08/2020 17:03

@AryaStarkWolf
In response to your “why...?” Questions, surely it is good to be respectful of another person’s religious beliefs? especially if that person is the parent of a child and may be wanting to teach her some of his religion. There are other presents OP can buy for her DD that do not mock or directly undermine her DHs religion.

Chickychoccyegg · 10/08/2020 17:03

i have a descendents loveing dd too, and i do agree with pp, why should he get final say over a gift dd has asked for?
I would speak to him about it again, but let it be known i was planning to order it anyway, alternatively there's usually quite a lot of descendents merchandise on the Disney store website

bookmum08 · 10/08/2020 17:06

I have a friend who is a Christian. It's a very important part of her life. She doesn't like the idea of witches and wizards, magic, dark arts etc. However the older her children have got she has allowed her children to read books like Worst Witch, go to a Harry Potter themed party etc. She doesn't celebrate Halloween (often does the alternative Light Party) but if one of her children comes home from school with a paper pumpkin or a Halloween bag of Haribo she doesn't say they can't have them.
She is still teaching her children about her Christian beliefs, raising them in the Christian faith despite letting join in what is more 'pop culture' witch/magic type things.
This is definitely time for a sit down talk. Is your child being raised in her dads faith? Does she understand it?

Soubriquet · 10/08/2020 17:08

I see why people are saying “what about dd”, there are lots of descendants merchandise that doesn’t include a spell books even though it isn’t a real spell book.

Compromise is all about parenting isn’t it?

AryaStarkWolf · 10/08/2020 17:08

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@AryaStarkWolf
In response to your “why...?” Questions, surely it is good to be respectful of another person’s religious beliefs? especially if that person is the parent of a child and may be wanting to teach her some of his religion. There are other presents OP can buy for her DD that do not mock or directly undermine her DHs religion.[/quote]
But it isn't a present for the OPs husband, it's a present for his daughter.I can respect another persons choice for themselves but that's not the case here, here the OPs husband is pushing his beliefs on someone else. Teaching her some of his religion is fine, forbidding her to have a Disney book, not so much imo. I'm very much against this kind of indoctrination. If people want to follow a religion it should be a personal choice not a forced one

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/08/2020 17:12

@AryaStarkWolf
No, both parents are in a battle to see whose beliefs should go to DD. Is it OPs belief that spells and dark magic are just Disney play fun, or is it the DHs belief that these are not play fun but against his religion. The religion he probably hopes to introduce his DD to when she is older. We are talking about a child here, they have only the beliefs they are taught by their parents. They are not at an age or capacity to make religious choices for themselves.

NoSquirrels · 10/08/2020 17:12

Get an aunt/uncle/grandparent or best friend to buy it for her.

Respecting his choice yourself - important for harmony - and yet getting your DD what she wants.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/08/2020 17:13

Disney is not so wholesome as many think. It’s blatantly sexist and racist.

FabulouslyFab · 10/08/2020 17:13

Your daughter is 7. Next year she will probably have forgotten about this present. But your husband will not forget if you buy her something he didn’t want her to have. Marriage is team work and comprise, not a competition.

bookmum08 · 10/08/2020 17:14

Does your husband actually understand what the Descendents is? The characters are the children who are Disney characters who in turn are mostly based on traditional fairy tale characters. Did he not let her read fairy tales when younger? It's hard to avoid them in the nursery/reception years. Many fairy tales evolved from moral stories. Christianity is full of moral stories. I would be interested in what he does and doesn't 'allow'. I bet he hasn't even thought about it that seriously.

maxelly · 10/08/2020 17:15

I do wonder, those of you that are saying the DH is being unreasonable and let his DD make her own choices, would you feel the same if (a) it was the mother who objected to a toy the DH wanted to get as a present and (b) if it was a more generally objectionable toy, so for example if OP was a commuted pacifist and the DC had asked for a soldier outfit and toy gun? Or if she was a vegan and the child wanted a toy milking parlour and steak and chips dinner set? Would you feel just the same that it's for the child to choose and the parents beliefs don't come into it?

maxelly · 10/08/2020 17:15

^committed that should say not commuted

NoSquirrels · 10/08/2020 17:16

While I, respectfully, think that is bonkers, you are equal parents here and I would feel betrayed if DH had done the opposite of something I held in high belief.

But yes - basically this. If you go against a principle of his on this occasion, no matter how ridiculous you think it is, then he will have no problem disregarding one of your principles when the time comes. And there's always a time.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/08/2020 17:16

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@AryaStarkWolf
No, both parents are in a battle to see whose beliefs should go to DD. Is it OPs belief that spells and dark magic are just Disney play fun, or is it the DHs belief that these are not play fun but against his religion. The religion he probably hopes to introduce his DD to when she is older. We are talking about a child here, they have only the beliefs they are taught by their parents. They are not at an age or capacity to make religious choices for themselves.[/quote]
So her getting a Disney book of spells is going to stop him from telling her about his religion? That's utterly ridiculous, the poor kid.

Although, I have to say I am surprised a non religious person could end up with someone so religious that they're against Disney stuff. Did you ever talk about that before you had children OP? Surely those clashing beliefs/non beliefs were going to become an issue when raising your children?

cringeworthit · 10/08/2020 17:17

@Aquamarine1029

I would respect his religious beliefs.

What about the op's and her daughter's beliefs or lack thereof? Why do his beliefs trump theirs? If he doesn't like magical things he can choose not to watch or read them.

Because he is also the child's parent and both parents have an equal say in how she is brought up.

Not that I agree with his point of view though, but he is entitled to hold that view.

alreadytaken · 10/08/2020 17:17

Teach your child a lesson in tolerating the beliefs of others, even when you disagree.

Your husband would be right to be annoyed if you ignore his views on this for something your daughter will forget about in weeks.

reluctantbrit · 10/08/2020 17:17

I wouldn't go behind his back but I would sit down with him and talk about supporting different interests and letting your DD making her own choices.

There is a lot more to come, Harry Potter at one point for example. Most of the current YA and teen fiction is fantasy with shifters, magic, vampires etc so there is a lot he will encounter.

Even my very religious friend lets her children watch and re-enact Harry Potter without any problems. Calling a fiction novel or movie "occult" is really not understanding it and I personally wouldn't want a child being taught that there are religious beliefs out there who condem books.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/08/2020 17:18

@maxelly

I do wonder, those of you that are saying the DH is being unreasonable and let his DD make her own choices, would you feel the same if (a) it was the mother who objected to a toy the DH wanted to get as a present and (b) if it was a more generally objectionable toy, so for example if OP was a commuted pacifist and the DC had asked for a soldier outfit and toy gun? Or if she was a vegan and the child wanted a toy milking parlour and steak and chips dinner set? Would you feel just the same that it's for the child to choose and the parents beliefs don't come into it?
I would feel the same anyway
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