To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

I don’t want to deny him the experience but I just don’t feel comfortable

That’s the only bit that matters. Everything else is you justifying reasons, people picking them apart and you arguing back.

He is being denied the experience, but he may not mind. Or he may have a preference, but be happy not to be in the room. Or he could strongly want to be in the room, in which case one of you is going to be upset, and while I’d always say that the person actually giving birth or getting medical treatments feelings are paramount, it could become a rather big issue in your marriage.

Anecdotally I’d say most men are in the room unless they don’t make it in time for the birth. But that doesn’t help you either; really.

All you can do is start a conversation about the birth, see what he’s expecting, and if he does really want to be there, see if there’s a compromise. Usually it’d be something like staying towards your head, but I’m not sure if that’d help given the reasons that you are uncomfortable. Perhaps there’s other things that could help - taking online antenatal classes so he knows what to expect, agreeing that you don’t want to be touched while you’re having contractions, that type of thing?

It doesn’t matter what any of us think, it matters what he thinks.

I didn’t want my husband in the delivery room. We discussed it and he was very happy to support my wishes. Seeing your child born is not a ‘magical moment’ - what utter tosh! Unless you are a contortionist, women don't ‘see’ it!
My waters broke quite early so my husband sat with me through the boring bits and then went home. I gave birth with the midwife plus student in attendance and felt calm and in control throughout with the focus only on me and baby. Had stitches which is not a spectator sport either. Had first breastfeed just me and baby and then had a shower and got into clean clothes and was feeling clean & contented & cuddling gorgeous DS when husband arrived. He then had time with baby while I slept.
Perfect

OP I would ask for this to be deleted. You aren’t getting the responses you want, you’ve gotten upset and quite frankly this is becoming perfect Daily Mail fodder.

You need to speak to him, couldn’t you come up with some rules that he waits in the waiting room and he comes into the room when baby is about to be born or that he sits in the delivery room but doesn’t support you with a hand hold or a back rub.

I just know know dh would have been gutted if he couldn’t have been there to see our babies being born, it’s such an important event.

You won’t be naked, I wasn’t for either of mine.

Have him there you will need the support trust me. If somethings happens and you feel scared you will want someone there. It is a long time being in labour with especially your first. Ask him to stay near your head if you don't want him looking down there. I've had three labours and glad I always had my partner there to help and get me things.

I didn't have a birth partner basically for all of the reasons that you stated. I don't regret it at all. I checked with my community midwife beforehand that it'd be ok and she said I'd be fine and I was. The midwives looked after me really well and I had a difficult birth and went into theatre straight after but both me and baby were well looked after and kept together. One of the midwives said that most husbands are totally useless anyway.

OP, I think you've had a really hard time on this thread and I don't think your wishes are odd.

I had similar feelings of insecurities before having a baby. I didn't want my husband to see me naked and potentially shitting myself. And we have a very happy and normal marriage. I did want him there for support but dreaded him seeing me like that.

However, I think until you go through it, you don't quite realise how much having someone else in the room with you helps. My labour went on for 5 days. By day 3 I couldn't remember what day it was, what my plan was, focus on conversations or questions I was being asked. DH was a total rock and made sure that the plan we discussed was stuck to as much as possible.

In the end I was rushed to the theatre for forceps, episiotomy and it was bloody scary. I'm so please he was with me. There was a moment DS didn't take a breath and it was the longest moment of my life.

I don't really remember much of the labour but DH does and I'm pleased I can ask him questions and we've discussed if we had another what we'd do differently and a lot is due to his memory of the labour.

He did see my naked, shitting, crying, screaming, sweating but in that moment I really didn't care!!

If you have a wonderful and smooth labour then fine but I guarantee if things take a turn, having him there will be so helpful

I gave birth to my first child alone. It wasn't the best birth and ended with a lot of medical staff in the room, and an emergency situation etc etc.
I must say I had no idea what was going on and who was who and I think the trauma really led to me struggling to bond with DS1. I couldn't hold him for a few hours after and I don't know who did first feed or dressed him etc. I was very distressed afterwards and took me a while to realise what had actually happened.
I struggled with the bonding for a few years and even now it's not quite the same as my bond with my other DS, I live with the guilt of that everyday.
Your choice is yours and this is just my personal experience. I was very young but I just remember being very scared. I think the face of someone I trusted would have changed everything.
Perhaps you could have an agreement of being too end. Look for a good nightgown or something you can keep on. At the end of the day the birth is your choice. Just leaving you with something to consider. X

It is up to you . It sounds like you are really anxious about giving birth. Completely normal. I think if you can talk it over with him and perhaps with your midwife you might find a way forward.

My husband was there for two and was a bit annoying. However, I had the middle child when he wasn't there (unforeseen and unavoidable circs) and I felt bereft. I'd rather have had him hovering around and getting on my nerves than be alone and not be able to share it.

"It’s sweating, pain, discomfort, screaming, just would rather keep that private personally..."

That also describes looking after a baby in a heat wave, so it may not only be the birth your DH misses 😆

When I had DD the midwives weren't in the room with me the entire time. If DH hadn't been with me I would have been entirely on my own. Having someone with you is useful if you want them to call the midwife quickly. Oh, and I wore a cheap nightie and socks during labour.

However, it is your choice.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Beprepared for your relationship to be irrevocably damaged by you telling him you won't allow him to witness the birth of his child.

Wouldn't want to stay married to him if he was such a controlling and resentful shit, tbh. I guess he can't possibly damage the relationship by forcing OP to have a witness she doesn't want?

You really don't think that a decent man would have grounds to be hurt and upset that he was denied the chance to see his child born?

DH frequently refers to the day that DD was born as the most magical day of his life, the most exciting, incredible, emotional experience he could imagine. I could never have denied him that. I think that if i had, he would have been beyond hurt, and it would likely have impacted our relationship severely.

Op,

I agree you should ask for the thread to be deleted.

Have a break and then start a new thread if you want to in the pregnancy section as others have suggested.

This thread has turned nasty in many cases and it is not what you need. You need to look after yourself and your mental health. This is causing you far too much stress and adding to your anxiety levels.

@potatoesandonions

Have I really done something so terrible in asking on a parenting website about this before I raise it with OH?

Have I?

I am utterly heartsick now. I feel like public property, that I’m somehow odd and strange.
And I’m REALLY not.

Of course you're not!

IGNORE THEM. I know it's easier said than done but IGNORE THEM. Do what YOU want, you're the one who has to go through it and if your husband is any kind of man, he will want to do whatever makes the experience, which can be very traumatic, better for YOU, whether that's being present or not. You won't get the responses you want here because for reasons I can't fathom and do not care about, childbirth, the ultimate female experience, is apparently something we need to clear with men. Fuck that. Do what YOU want and whatever will be to the better outcome for YOUR mental health.

I get the naked thing. Basically I'm grim naked, like a yeti made of play doh and none of my partners have ever seen me fully naked. Probably they wouldn't care, but I do. And both times it has played on my mind before labour. But at the time I honestly couldn't have given a crap. I was fairly covered up throughout anyway.

I also get the wanting to be alone when vulnerable thing too. But I did have my children's fathers present at their births. (Huge age gap, different partners). Mostly because I knew they'd want to be there. But also because I knew they knew what I wanted. And what I would want if I couldn't speak for myself. We'd discussed a lot beforehand. I get very afraid and panic as I'm reaching the birth part. That's not to worry you, it's just my response. And it has been helpful both times to have someone I care about there with me. And someone to answer some questions when I struggled. How long I'd been having contractions etc. Plus after the birth they were there to hold the babies while I showered etc. The moments after were wonderful really.

So yeah it's up to you, it's your body, it's your procedure so to speak. But having someone there does provide support if you need it. Some delivery suites can be very busy. And it might be helpful for you to have someone there throughout. It's possible to have a chat with your dp beforehand to see what expectations are.

OP you sound very controlling. Wanting to deny OH chance to see the birth, trying to control what PP can and can't talk about. I've not heard one iota or concern on how your OH feels. You just keep throwing in the the victim 'oh wow is me' card.

Women are often shot down if they express anything about the ‘experience’ of birth and are told getting a baby out is all that matters. Yet so many are fixated on the man having the ‘experience’ that he deserves, even arguing that he deserves to be at the business end watching.

Username checks out bitch

To be honest I did think about getting the thread deleted but I think it’s such a good advert for Mumsnet premium let’s leave it.

Crikey. Why on earth did you bother starting this thread @potatoesandonions ?

You’ve taken everything personally and clearly don’t think you’re being unreasonable, so why bother? Do as you please, you have your own autonomy.

I mean it’s up to you OP, some people will understand and others will think it’s odd. I’m due in less than 3 weeks and can’t imagine not having my husband there, but that’s just me. If you don’t want him to hold your hand or rub your back then tell him? I think he will want to be there for the birth of his child to be honest and I think you might regret it if he isn’t

OP, I have just spoken to my DP and asked him what he’d have said if I had said I didn’t want him at the birth of our DD. He said he wouldn’t have minded as it was me having to go through it so what I wanted mattered the most. As it was, I had a ELCS and he was there but obviously only at the non-action end.

I think people have been a bit harsh on you, OP. For whatever reason you don’t want your OH with you when giving birth and that is fine. As PP have said, having the father in the delivery room is a fairly modern concept and I can see why you would feel more comfortable with just medical people around you. I also think it would be useful to have someone there who could advocate for you like a sister, mum or friend but ultimately it is your choice.

I also want to respond to you getting all bothered about being called 'odd' from what I've read nobody is saying YOU are odd. Just this decision, it's very rare a woman will ask for her husband to not be there at the birth. It's an odd scenario. That doesn't make you odd.

I have two DC, with DC1 DP was there throughout and with DC2 he missed the birth, he arrived at hospital 30 seconds after she was delivered onto my stomach due to fast labour in the middle of the night. This wasn’t planned but looking back we both found the experience with DC2 better. He found watching me in so much pain very difficult with DC1 and I found his attempts to soothe/ distract me very annoying. On the other hand I found that I did need him straight after birth with both DC, with DC1 I was in high dependency unit due to pre eclampsia diagnosed after delivery so he took over care of DC for 24 hours, and with DC2 he did skin to skin whilst doctors had to manage a minor post-partum haemorrhage and to stitch a second degree tear. If we have another I’d love to be able to choose to have him at the hospital in case of emergency but not in the room until after delivery.

It’s your choice but I couldn’t do it.

I’d feel desperately sad for taking away the experience from my husband.

He’d sit with no information on his own concerned about both of you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to give birth alone! This is a situation where biology dictates that your needs must come first despite a surprising number of people on here seeming to view it as a spectator sport.

The more comfortable and secure you feel, the better things are likely to go during the birth and consequently for the baby. It’s in everyone’s interests.

I was in a different situation to you as I am single, but I ended up having my mum and a friend there for most of the waiting around bit of labour (18 hours in my case), but then chose to be alone for the pushing stage (about 2 hours). That worked well for me. If I had another baby with a future partner, I think I would again choose to be alone (for me it’s not about dignity but more to do with not having to worry about the feelings and comfort or other people with me at the time! But the reason doesn’t matter. What matters is simply the fact you know you’d feel more comfortable being alone.)

People are suggesting a doula simply because depending how things go you can find yourself completely unable to advocate for yourself and this can be traumatic in retrospect.

Good luck with it all.