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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want husband there when I give birth?

999 replies

potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:00

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 10/08/2020 13:51

I delivered my second practically into my pyjama pants in the hospital corridor. So no need to be naked OP Grin

2155User · 10/08/2020 13:51

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BibbyDarling · 10/08/2020 13:51

Oh OP just delete the thread. You didn’t get the answer you wanted. AIBU is clearly not the place for you if you fly off the handle about ‘odd’. Post it in the pregnancy chat.

Twizbe · 10/08/2020 13:51

@potatoesandonions

No one. There isn’t anyone so stop going on about it!
In that case I'd seriously look into hiring a doula. They can be super hands off in the room (you're paying them so they do as they're told) but they have the medical knowledge and experience to speak up for you if you can't. You'd discuss with them before hand your preferences and requirements so they are informed.
Pebblexox · 10/08/2020 13:51

It's entirely your choice. However personally, my dh really wanted to be there when our dd was born, and I wouldn't have had it in me to tell him no! I also agree it's a little odd that you don't want him there.
You honestly won't be worried about what's going on, but again your choice.

Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:51

I haven’t spoken to him about it yet. Obviously he’s the only important thing here though Hmm

OP posts:
Bitchinkitchen · 10/08/2020 13:51

@potatoesandonions

Well whether OH is there or not he won’t “advocate” so makes no difference.

Thank you. I do think some people think anything outside the norm is “odd.”

That's very worrying. Is this reluctance to have him there due to issues in your marriage? Is he abusive?
Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:51

I don’t want a doula goodness me this is a bit stupid.

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 10/08/2020 13:51

It’s not remotely odd, OP. It’s only since the middle of the last century that men have been present for births. There’s no right or wrong way of doing it. If you don’t want him there, you don’t.

Incidentally, you may not scream or cry, not everyone does. And as a pp said, there’s a strong chance you won’t know or care who’s in the room when you’re in the second stage of labour.

CandleWick4 · 10/08/2020 13:52

You haven’t spoken to him about it? Maybe you should do that before you ask Mumsnet?

Bitchinkitchen · 10/08/2020 13:52

@potatoesandonions

I haven’t spoken to him about it yet. Obviously he’s the only important thing here though Hmm
Be prepared for your relationship to be irrevocably damaged by you telling him you won't allow him to witness the birth of his child.
ShebaShimmyShake · 10/08/2020 13:52

Oh, also watch out for the ones who think "woman gets to decide" means "men must always be barred under all circumstances". Honestly, they've got no leg to stand on. If you want your husband there, great, but the point is that it's your choice, as the one who gets the pain/exhaustion/stitching/bowel release and so on. Like I said, there's no other situation in which a patient undergoing this is pressured to have an audience if they don't want it.

Do what you want. Birth trauma and PND are real and serious, don't be pressured into doing things you don't want that could exacerbate them just to placate idiotic and illogical guilt trips. You may change your mind at the time, that's great, but don't allow things that you know you don't want for fear of being branded a MAN HATER or a BAD WOMAN. There'll be plenty of dirty nappies and spit up milk for those dedicated fathers who want the primitive stuff.

Twizbe · 10/08/2020 13:52

@potatoesandonions

I haven’t spoken to him about it yet. Obviously he’s the only important thing here though Hmm
You need to speak to him about this. You need to discuss your concerns and what you want and then together you can make a decision.

You do get final say as it's your birth but at least give him a chance to support you

CouldBeOuting · 10/08/2020 13:54

My DH wasn’t there for the births of either of our children. 100% a mutual decision. It was just me and the midwives which made things so much easier. There ended up being complications with both of them and DH would have been very worried so it was better that he had no idea....

GrannyBags · 10/08/2020 13:54

No one said DH is the only important one here but his feelings should be taken into account. Your body, but your joint baby - which is why I suggested him being outside the door to be allowed in as soon as baby arrives.

Misswaleka · 10/08/2020 13:54

I gave birth on March and my DP wasn't there due to the lock down and no one being able to have our daughter.
I was very stressed and extremely upset having to give birth alone. However I can see why you feel the way you do. It's not pretty yes its natural and a baby coming into the world is amazing but again not a pretty site. I'm grateful my DP didn't witness me pooping on the bed, haemorrhaging and being twisted in agony.
I understand where you are coming from. Having sex seeing you naked is very different than watching you half naked in labour.
You need to do what makes you feel comfortable.

AnneOfQueenSables · 10/08/2020 13:54

Your wishes are important. But you need to make sure they are coming from as informed a place as possible. With kindness, a broken leg or an ill teenager are in no way comparable to giving birth. I think you need to tease out all your feelings around this, examine where they came from, if they're still valid and if they're still helpful to you for this stage in your life.

The most important thing, even beyond your comfort is your and your baby's safety. Now some PP on this thread have had wonderful experiences, attuned with their bodies and had supportive midwives. Others have had emergencies, been unable to speak and had dismissive midwives. For you and your baby's sake, you need to be prepared for both situations.

I know in my experience, the midwives were very dismissive of me but hung on DH's every word. No idea why but since they did react like that, it was definitely helpful to have him there.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/08/2020 13:54

Beprepared for your relationship to be irrevocably damaged by you telling him you won't allow him to witness the birth of his child.

Wouldn't want to stay married to him if he was such a controlling and resentful shit, tbh. I guess he can't possibly damage the relationship by forcing OP to have a witness she doesn't want?

Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:54

Have I really done something so terrible in asking on a parenting website about this before I raise it with OH?

Have I?

I am utterly heartsick now. I feel like public property, that I’m somehow odd and strange.
And I’m REALLY not.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 10/08/2020 13:55

@potatoesandonions

I don’t want a doula goodness me this is a bit stupid.
Ok then you need to think through every scenario with your midwife and write down what you want to happen and what you do and don't give consent for. Believe me at the business end of labour you won't know up from down.
ihoeihoeihoe · 10/08/2020 13:55

I wouldn’t/couldn’t of denied DP there for the birth our son. IF you’ve chose to have this baby together then I definitely think he should have a say - it’s not quite as simple as your body your choice - and I do feel like you have to justify it (not to us, to your DP). The best bet would be to really talk it through with him. Not sure what hospitals are like at the moment, maybe he could wait in a waiting area and just come in for the actual birth? Or straight after? I honestly think after giving birth you really don’t care about what you look like anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️ You just want the baby and yourself to be healthy. There will be a compromise somewhere it’s up to you two to find it

sunflowersandtulips50 · 10/08/2020 13:55

You do realise you could be in labour for hours and be left in room on your own . It is helpful to have support even if it is someone sitting with you and calling for help. Giving birth is not always straightforward and your DH may need to consent on your behalf...I would suggest you have a discussion with your midwife

cultkid · 10/08/2020 13:55

Are you worried about doing a poo?

Btw, YANBU

2155User · 10/08/2020 13:56

And I’m REALLY not.

Questionable

Elsiebear90 · 10/08/2020 13:56

OP I can sense that you’re feeling very attacked and anxious about this, please ignore those kinds of posts, obviously, you not wanting him there is not coming from a bad place because you want to exclude him, it is coming from insecurity. I just wanted to say that I’m not judging you x

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