To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

OP, you are not odd for wanting something different to most people’s normal but your reaction to other people’s opinions is a little extreme. You did ask after all and seem overly sensitive!
It’s your body and choose the birth you want but be aware that things don’t always go according to plan.
Best of luck.

@potatoesandonions you've had lots of good suggestions and nice people agreeing with you. Maybe focus on them instead of arguing with other people? Otherwise it looks like you're completely ignoring valid experiences and good suggestions.

This is such a daily mail article.

Your replies are very argumentative, a classic Mumsnet ‘I’m not getting the replies I want so I disagree with everyone’

So whatever you want OP, my advice would be the have an incredible thorough birth plan if you’re not going to have anyone their to help support you.
My son nearly died during labour and my husband was my advocate, I was So exhausted and unable discuss anything with informed knowledge.
Good luck.

I think if you are as belligerent with your DH as you are here he is probably best not being there!!

But rare and odd are different words with different connotations. It might not be the usual choice women make and to be honest I think I will end up feeling he has to be there but part of me is aware that’s because of societal pressure and not because of what I want and I did wonder if others felt that too?

Your poor husband!

Oh wow that was so funny notacooldad! You must feel so smart and sharp and witty! Hahahahahahaha!

Are you worried about pooing infront of him

I'm just wondering if there was an emergency who would speak on your behalf

You do sound very acerbic OP

It’s very much your way or no way on here

The whole point of a thread is to discuss not railroad everyone who doesn’t agree with you

[quote marauder1994]@potatoesandonions you've had lots of good suggestions and nice people agreeing with you. Maybe focus on them instead of arguing with other people? Otherwise it looks like you're completely ignoring valid experiences and good suggestions. [/quote]
This! Lots of positive replies with helpful advice around online courses, discussing with her husband, etc but only arguments from OP

Sure, you can ask about your preference here, but my advice would be the same. Talk to your husband. If you have concerns after that, then's the time to ask for more advice.

Sticking up a thread with a vote about the matter gives umpteen strangers a right to comment on a matter that only relates to two people in real terms - you and your husband.

You know him, you know yourself, and he should know you too. You need to be able to talk about these things with a partner.

Poor husband?

Last I checked he wasn’t being sick several times a day, doesn’t feel like ants are crawling over his skin at night, doesn’t get unbearable headaches.

And childbirth is just a little thing isn’t it.

Stop it op, you’re embarrassing yourself now.

You don’t have to be naked. Pretty sure I gave birth in some kind of nightshirt/long T-shirt thing. If he hadn’t been down the action end he wouldn’t have seen anything. That’s maybe something to consider if you think you’ll feel exposed. I think you do need to talk to him about this though, my DH would have been devastated to miss the birth. Yours may well feel differently but I think you’ve got to make sure.

Oh wow that was so funny notacooldad! You must feel so smart and sharp and witty! Hahahahahahaha!
Not at all, it is just a bizarre post and people who have been through births have given you good advice about why you need an advocate and your husband is the best person in this situation.
Ds was in trouble immediately after his birth and I was unconscious for reasons I wont go into. DH was fully coherent and able to follow what had happened, and what the meducsxwere doing so he could tell me when I was ready.
You never know what's going to happen.

You don't have to have him there if you don't want him no. But bear in mind people (some) are coming from a place of advice based on their experience
So from my experience I was grateful to have my DH there
Firstly - you don't have to be naked. At all. I was in a nightie or long night shirt with my bra on for both mine. Slightly lifted when midwives needed a look but that wasn't often. I'm actually totally fine wandering the house naked but I didn't want to be naked or arse out when in hospital for hours. That was my choice. I gave birth in a pool. Maybe the midwives thought I was strange getting in the pool with my nightie on (they asked if I wanted to take it off) but I didn't really care!
I wanted my DH there. I had my choices of what I did and didn't want medically and we had spoken before and he understood them. Had an emergency arisen where I couldn't speak for myself - which happens more often than you'd think- then he would have spoken for me and stopped stuff I didn't want from happening and made sure stuff I wanted to happen did. As it was we had no emergencies but he did have to speak for me as I wanted to change positions but couldn't get the words out. When the midwife went out and didn't come back for ages but I needed for pain relief he was there to get her.
He was also incredibly helpful at just holding my hand when I was in pain, and giving me sweets or water when I needed them. He was not intrusive or flappy. I'm pretty amazed how he stepped up and did just what I needed. He did rub my back once and I hated it so he stopped.

If you think that you DH will cause you stress by being there- if he can't sit quietly on the other side of the room, or leave when you need a break from him, then no, don't have him there.
And its totally your choice.

‘ Last I checked he wasn’t being sick several times a day, doesn’t feel like ants are crawling over his skin at night, doesn’t get unbearable headaches’

If it’s a competition of what you’ve been through, will he be allowed to make decisions about your child when it’s born, because after all... you gave birth to them!

You are the patient and labour tends to progress better when you feel relaxed and in control. So, yes, your wishes are paramount on this. And unlike some PPs, I can completely understand why you might feel self-conscious about your OH seeing this process. It can be very undignified at times. Also, the first stage is sometimes long and tedious for the birth partner and not all birth partners cope well with this.

However, if your OH is a decent supportive person and he’d really like to be there at the birth, then I do have a lot of sympathy for him. Have you considered having only medical staff with you for the early stages of labour, but letting your OH be there for the actual birth? He could stay by your head if you don’t want him seeing everything. At that point, you’re likely to be so absorbed in giving birth that you won’t notice who’s in the room, but being there could mean a lot to your OH. He could then share the magical moment where you both meet your baby for the first time.

Maybe you both could take an online antenatal class? If your OH knows what to expect and how best to support you on the day, he might really surprise you.

OP i'm worried you are only planning for the birth to go as plan.a lot can go wrong, or no as planned, and your husband should be there as a minimum as your next of kin to make medical decisions if you are not able to.

Your first labour is likely to be very long, and there could be complications.

Have you discussed your feelings on an epidural? Forceps? C section? Episiotomy? These are all things that could happen to you or be needed during your labour.

it's very rare a woman will ask for her husband to not be there at the birth. It's an odd scenario

And yet for thousands of years it was the norm and still is in some parts of the world.

@potatoesandonions YANBU

I've spoken about this with my DH. If Covid-19 restrictions are still in place then I'll have to chose between my DM or DH. Emotionally I want DH present because I don't want him to feel like he's not welcome at the birth of his own baby and I'll want his support emotionally. Practically I feel my DM will be more useful as she's been through 3 births herself and was present for part of my sisters. Obviously I'd rather have both present, but at the moment I'm leaning towards DM. DH is supportive of my choice and has reassured me that he won't feel pushed away.

At the end of the day, it's your choice and you're fully entitled to feel the way you do. Saying that, I would definitely discuss your reasons clearly with your OH to make sure they completely understand to avoid any hurt feelings.

Good luck!

I think perhaps some counselling is in order to get to the bottom of your very obvious issues with your body.

Your wish to give birth alone isn't that unusual, but your fear over your husband seeing you vulnerable and naked (which as we've said you don't need to be) is. You seem to regard even having sex with the lights on as being somehow scandalous!

How is your relationship otherwise? Was this an arranged marriage by any chance? There just doesn't seem to be much trust or intimacy coming from you.*

*Please don't take that as any criticism of those in arranged marriages - I know those that are, that are happy, in love etc, but I imagine its not the case for all, and its a different start position for a sexual relationship.