To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

You do what your comfortable with obviously it’s a women’s choice etc. Who would you have as a birth partner instead? Or would you rather be alone with the professionals?

I do think it’s a shame for you partner if he wants to be there. My DH absolutely loved the birth of both our children (vaginal deliveries and not all rosy!) and still talks about them with such happy memories. The photos of him holding our new baby and the three of us Immediately after are so lovely (even though I look like I’ve been hit by a bus). I couldn’t imagine not wanting him there.

I don’t mind for example a quick flash getting changed for swimming or the gym. I wouldn’t however choose to stand there naked, some women do, no problem, but not for me

I’m sorry if this a mean response but again this is something I find strange. DH and I are often naked around each other, have you never shared a bath or a shower? We get changed in front of each other, have a naked cuddle. Is there a reason you don’t like being naked in front of him?

YANBU

You're the one giving birth, you're the one who has to be comfortable.

When I’m ill or in pain yes I am insecure. I want to retreat into myself and shut the world out.

This is NOT personal in any way shape or form to OH. I broke a limb once and everyone surrounded me, had people bringing me water and trying to be lovely and I had to smile and say thanks. I just wanted them to go so I could wait for the ambulance in quiet.

I wanted my own parents to vanish when I was very ill as a teenager, it isn’t that I don’t appreciate that people’s motives are lovely because I do, but personally I just need to be left alone for a bit.

And I’m odd, bizarre, neurotic ... and for at least the third time, as far as needing an advocate is concerned, OH will NOT help!

@potatoesandonions

Well then who will be your advocate?

All these people saying you're being selfish honestly need to take a good hard look at themselves and think about how they're treating others. Maybe it's a little "odd" as in different to what most people do but at the end of the day, it's your body, your choice and why people feel the need to call you selfish for being uncomfortable is beyond me.

Talk to your OH about how he feels but absolutely don't listen to these people calling you selfish for simply sharing your feelings about something that ultimately doesn't concern them in the slightest.

I kind of understand what you mean. When having ds it occured to me that I might be able to handle it better alone. That's the kind of person I am in general. However, seeing DS' birth was really important to DH. And we are a partnership, parents together, so denying him that privilege was not an option. In the end it was wonderful. Yes he did things to annoy me during labour, but tbh everyone in the room breathing was annoying me.

He still talks about DS birth as the greatest thing he's ever witnessed.

I think yanbu to feel the way you do, but ywbu to not talk to your DH about this.

Hi OP, I've done an online course through the Positive Birth Company that I found very helpful. Part of the course touches on all of the ways you can customise your birth to make it more comfortable for you - e.g. lighting, aromatherapy, etc. It might be worth looking into that. I think also depending on your decision, you would benefit from writing up a birth plan so your preferences are written down for a midwife if you don't feel as though you're able to communicate effectively during the labour. These can be listed from best case option to worst case.

Why are you even with this man if he’s as useless as you’re making out?

@KeaBee

OP asked for opinions, she asked what we thought, so yes it does concern us.

If that's how you think then surely your response is totally irrelevant also "because it doesn't concern you"

@potatoesandonions

When I’m ill or in pain yes I am insecure. I want to retreat into myself and shut the world out.

This is NOT personal in any way shape or form to OH. I broke a limb once and everyone surrounded me, had people bringing me water and trying to be lovely and I had to smile and say thanks. I just wanted them to go so I could wait for the ambulance in quiet.

I wanted my own parents to vanish when I was very ill as a teenager, it isn’t that I don’t appreciate that people’s motives are lovely because I do, but personally I just need to be left alone for a bit.

And I’m odd, bizarre, neurotic ... and for at least the third time, as far as needing an advocate is concerned, OH will NOT help!

If you don't want him to advocate for you, you will need to figure out someone to do it. At the very worst, who will make serious choices for you if you can't

You sound very similar to my best friend, with her it’s because she’s overly concerned with what people think of her, she’s worried she will embarrass herself and she hates attention. She can’t even fart around her husband or go to the toilet if he’s nearby. Could this be the case with you?

@potatoesandonions why are you so convinced your OH is going to be in your face & annoying? Surely you can have a conversation with him in regards to this about how you would like to be left alone to focus yourself & he can bring a book or earphones etc & just sit in the corner & wait for your orders? Might be easier in case you then decide you do need him & he’s there for you ASAP

Well whether OH is there or not he won’t “advocate” so makes no difference.

Thank you. I do think some people think anything outside the norm is “odd.”

I really want to know if some posters think my DH is a lesser Dad for not meeting his DD for two weeks after her birth? Men miss the birth for all sorts of reasons, and a good dad will be a good dad regardless. The only 'parenting' thing DH never did was breastfeeding. She's 7 now, and DH is definitely her hero. Her sister is 9, and he was the only person in the room when she was born. Again, no bonding problems- despite having to go away for 4 months 10 days after she was born- 5 of which she was in hospital and he could only visit a few hours a day.

Presence doesn't make a parent.

Could DH be outside the room so he can be called in to see the baby once he/she has arrived - so he can share that bit without being involved in the actual birth? I can understand your point of view but it is a special moment for fathers too

Not all husbands are a support and find labour a bonding experience. My XH was rude to the midwives, complained that I wasn’t quick enough as the pubs were closing (2 hour first labour) and when DD was born complained that her nose was too big and he’d have to save for a nose job. With the second which he persuaded me to have as he promised to behave better, another two hour labour, he was so vile to me that the midwife sent him out for a bit and cuddled me, stroked my hair and kissed me on the cheek. She was the kindest person. He never once touched DS for six weeks. If I’d had my lovely DH I have now, it would have been very different. Your call OP. You know your DH.

OP,

Further to my last post .....

Please
Stop
Focusing
On
The
Negative
Posts
It
Is
Not
Helping
You
At
All

You have received so many helpful and constructive posts but it seems all you are doing is fighting against the rest of them.
I mean this in a kind and genuine way

@Inthemuckheap, that's a ridiculous argument. Birth is still risky, even in the best hospital. Women have to feel comfortable. It's a unique experience and can't be compared with anything else because how the Mother feels affects the outcome and you can't just change how you feel.

OP, you're not odd, many women just want their female relatives. As many men don't want to be in the delivery room as do. They may say they do, but when polls are done, many say they went because it was expected. It's fashion that has changed what we want. Everything we do today would have been seen as odd in my Mother's day. But these changes can all be explained by Sociology.

Birth doesn't have to be as complicated as some of the ones on here. You might not need an advocate etc. Breastfeeding isn't always problematic. I felt more comfortable in a bf bra than sitting with my boobs out.

@potatoesandonions

OP, you need to decide who will advocate for you.

Whether that be your DH, a stranger you drag in off the street, a sister, who knows.

And you need to discuss this with your husband.

Your relationship sounds very different to the norm, so I don't think anyone can help

I can't believe how mean some of these replies are. It doesn't matter what other people think OP, either about whether to have your husband with you when you give birth or only having sex with him in the dark after a shower. It doesn't matter if other people like having their backs rubbed when in pain. It's your body, it's your labour and if having your husband there will make you feel anxious, that's not good for you or the baby.

Hope all goes well for you, OP.

It's entirely your choice. There was a time in living memory when the norm was for the father to wait outside and he wouldn't see his new baby until both it and mother had been cleaned up and made presentable. Some might think it was better that way :)

I've been present at the births of all my children. Some vaginal delivery, some CS. I would say the first was the most significant for me because, whilst I thought I had a fair idea what childbirth entailed, being there really opened my eyes and gave me a whole new level of respect and admiration for the mother of my child and mothers generally.

I think it's great if fathers are present but I don't believe it is their right nor do their wishes take priority over the mother's. A loving partner, whilst perhaps disappointed, should accept that you'd prefer him not to be present but you really do need to talk to him and explain why.

Good luck with your birth and I hope it all goes well for you.

No one. There isn’t anyone so stop going on about it!

In none of your subsequent replies have you mentioned how the baby's dad feels about all of this?

YANBU. Husbands present at birth is a relatively new thing. Most of our grandparents wouldn't have even considered it.