To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

@Bassettgirl

Honestly op when you are actually giving birth you won't give a shit about who is there!

I wish people would stop saying this based on just their own experience. I can tell you from mine that it's not true.

It’s just as true for some people as it’s not for others. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread as stuffed with projection as this one. We’re all different with different wants and needs.

I cant believe we have another of these types of threads were women are seen as selfish, mere vessels and dehumanized simply cos hey pregnant and want bodily autonomy.
Most of you disgust me and your lack of respect and care for women and our rights to OUR BODY
Fucking disgraceful and im so sad this is the world my dd is growing up in.

When pregnant, not so much. You have your child to think of who is sharing your body and the person who put the child there.
Even when pregnant, my body is mine and i decide what it goes through, who sees what.
That logic is dangerous and turns women to mere incubators with no rights.

I don't expect to make all decisions about the children.

Once born, thats correct
While that child is inside the woman, HER needs and wants come before the DH. She makes the calls, not him
HER BODY HER CHOICE
He actually HAS NO RIGHT to even be in the delivery room and it dont matter why the OP dont want him there, its HER RIGHT to have who she wants there

but honestly once in birth you wont give a flying fuck who is in there. A brass band could walk in and have a gander at your vagina and its ok!

Bullshit
If anyone who didnt need to be walked in, id have lost my shit. I was still VERY aware of what was going on around me.
It was traumatic, dehumanizing and horrific and that was a text book birth. No way would i wave wanted an audience

My body was not mine when pregnant, it was my boys' home, their place to grow & every decision I made was for them not me.

Most women dont reduce themselves to an incubator with no rights.

Yes the woman carries it and gives birth. What an immensely privilege to do so. A father has every right to be there. You can't run men down for not stepping up but also say their feelings don't matter.

Privilege is something people enjoy. There was NO enjoyment in birth or pregnancy for me.
Id happily trade away the ability to reproduce to men.

Like it or not, their body isnt at risk, they get no say in the process as they wont have to live with the physical or mental consequences. They can literally up and leave consequence free.
He has no rights to demand he is there. SHE decides who is present in labor

Childbirth is a completely natural thing. Being embarrassed about it and denying someone else something huge because of that is incomprehensible

To you its in comprehensible

Shitting and pissing is natural, dont do that in front of dp
A period is natural, dont mean he watches changing a tampon
Just cos something natural dont mean people want it on display

Such a very sad thread.
It looks like we women have come full circle.
We actively campaigned for men to be there , now men appear to have no rights to be there.

It takes two to make a life.

@1Morewineplease

Such a very sad thread. It looks like we women have come full circle. We actively campaigned for men to be there , now men appear to have no rights to be there.

It takes two to make a life.

Yes it is sad but not for the reason you think.

We campaigned for fathers to be there with consent from the birthing mother. Men do not have the right to override a woman's consent against her wishes.

Watching someone give birth is not a human right.

I get you OP and thankfully for my sake my husband thinks the same way. With DC1 he was with me throughout labour but made a conscious effort to avoid looking below my waist which I was grateful for and with DC2, born last month, he wasn’t permitted to attend until the final phase which lasted 5 minutes and which he ultimately missed - having DC2 with only the midwife there turned out to be a very peaceful experience and it was helpful to have calming music playing in the room.

Surely we are not unusual in having these feelings despite the number of posters who would suggest otherwise.

Perhaps speak to your local hospital to understand what Covid restrictions are in place and determine if DH can even attend and take it from there.

Good luck with it all x

Such a very sad thread.
It looks like we women have come full circle
We actively campaigned for men to be there , now men appear to have no rights to be there
It takes two to make a life

Yes it is sad you think women should forgo bodily autonomy simply cos she had sex and a baby resulted.
Its HER choice who sees her in such a vulnerable state.
There many men who no help at all, make it all about them and just stress the woman out, making HER experience of birth worse than it need be.

‘My body wasn’t mine’ how fucking chilling. And what total bullshit.

You’re not odd OP, for a long long time births were attended by women only, having fathers present is relatively new. Plenty of women feel as you do, and others feel that they need their partner with them. Nobody is wrong.

It’s also utterly tiresome to continue seeing women torn apart by people who no doubt think of themselves as ‘progressive’. If you can’t fathom that different people have different levels of comfort with nudity even with intimate partners - and that this reflects life experience and culture - you’re nowhere near as progressive and tolerant as you imagine. You’re no different to those who shame women for our bodies.

OP I hope you’re able to express your wishes and have them respected.

YABU and you sound like a handful.
Wanting bodily autonomy is being a handful?
Please teach your kids to have more self respect yeah?
Bodily autonomy is a RIGHT

And if having me present put my DW through a lot more pain than she needed to, I know she would've endured that extra pain to allow me that experience.
And thats ok with you for your feelies?
Evil
Why would you want your wife to go through more pain just for your feelies?

In a scan, if dad wants to know the gender and mum doesn't, dad has no right to know and will not be told unless mum explicitly gives the go ahead. Her body, her choice. Dad has the right to express an opinion and share his feelings but that's it.

And if having me present put my DW through a lot more pain than she needed to, I know she would've endured that extra pain to allow me that experience.

Good God, how on earth could you be okay with making her experience even MORE physical pain than she has to, just so you can see something that makes you feel good? How selfish of you!

Women get to choose what is best for their physical needs, your emotional ones come second.

I hope your wife reads this and tells you to fuck right off.

I’ve not read they full thread but have read all the OPs responses.
I think ultimately it’s between you and your husband. If he is happy not to be there and it’s what you want great. If not then it’s him you need to convince.
For what it’s worth for my first I had a fairly short labour through the night. I was left alone for long period of time and ignored by the midwife. When asked for pain relief she told me well the pains only going to get worse as if I was being a hypochondriac. My Bp was through the roof and my husband arrived to find me confused with baby’s heart rate dropping and about to be wheeled in to theatre. I really wished I had him there the whole time.
My second he was with me all day basically left me alone when I needed and got me drinks and rubbed my back when needed. He was especially helpful when the big scary red button had to be pushed and I was surrounded be staff.

You sound self conscious. I was too in my younger days.

Hopefully you speak with your husband and reach an agreement.

Someone mentioned you may have labour that lasts days. In the early stages of your pregnancy is full term with no issues you will likely be told to stay home until your contractions are closer together. Make sure you discuss what will happen then. Do you want him near by during early stages?

@LittleMissTeacup
I think it was Michel Odent. I think that's who @ancientgran mentioned. You can see him talking about it on youtube

Op, it is up to you, absolutely, who you have at the birth.

However, unless you have a csection, you needn’t be “under stark hospital lights”, you should have a lot of say about your delivery room.
Your dh may be very hurt that you want to exclude him. Or he may be secretly relieved. My ex is squeamish and also crap if he doesn’t get enough sleep. Being with me through a rough 40 hour labour was his idea of hell. I don’t think he ever got over it . So don’t assume anything.

Plus your dh has a job to do. Write a detailed birth plan with him. Include things like no hand holding or back rubbing. Then, when you are absorbed in labour, it is his job to speak for you,. He needs to understand exactly how you feel and what you want. You need to work together as a team. He’s also there to fetch you things, change the music, call for the mid-wife if she wanders off and you need her etc.

No, you're not BU. Everyone is going to feel differently about this.

I agree that ultimately your feelings on the subject should 'win' as you're the one giving birth. However, bear in mind that your husband may feel hurt or like he's missing out (and presumably you love him and would rather he didn't feel like that if it can be balanced with your needs) so it's probably worth having a think about any compromises you might be willing to make.

Step 1: talk to him. You never know, he might be relieved, in which case problem solved!

Step 2: if not, can you come up with a plan of action where he stays in the visitor's area or car park or something and you can call him in in time for the actual both our just after or something? Also handy if you change your mind part way through, and you never know.

I'd approach the conversation delicately because, as you say, these days he might take it as a rejection so I'd focus on the fact it's 'not you, it's me'! If he's a good man, he'll put your needs first in this situation but make room for the possibility that he might feel disappointed and pushed out. Good luck.

Your body, your right. I think it's up to you.

@potatoesandonions there have been so many responses on this thread, I don’t know if you’re still reading. I haven’t read all the replies but I’ve read all your posts. I don’t really understand why you’ve had such a rough time. I completely agree with you that the choice is yours to make. Whilst it wasn’t my choice I can absolutely understand why you feel the way you do. It is your right to decide who is there and (as far as is possible) how you want your labour and birth to be.

Having said that, I just wondered if you’d considered what would happen to the baby if your OH isn’t around and you need surgery? This might have already been mentioned, sorry if it has. Just wanted to say that I needed surgery after the birth and I was separated from my baby after the initial skin to skin. My DH stayed with her and dressed her and looked after her. Thankfully I think it was only 1 hour, maybe 90 minutes that we were apart. It would have broken my heart for her to have been just with midwives so soon after coming into the world. Nothing wrong with midwives and I’m sure she would have been taken care of perfectly, but I wouldn’t want her to have been without a parent so soon after arriving into the world.

That doesn’t mean he needs to be there during the birth, but you may want him very close by in case of something like that.

Wishing you all the best for the birth of your baby.

Not RTFT I’ve given birth with and without DH present. Much preferred it without Generally I am a people pleaser but during birth I need it to be about me.
Love DH but when in so much pain my tolerance levels plummeted and I couldn’t cope with his helpful gestures such as holding my gown closed to preserve my modesty. I was roasting and pretty much used to the fact all modesty was out of the window. When I asked him to stop he got all offended!
On my own I could just get on with it without worrying about anyone.

My DH was with me for both. My first went well initially but I had complications and tbh without him there I’m not sure what I would have done. Labour can be frightening and I preferred my DH over any stranger. Did he irritate me? Yep at times he did but I thought that was normal, he doesn’t know what I’m feeling etc and is doing his best. Ultimately it’s your decision OP but I would consider a few view points and actually talk to him if you haven’t done so and see what he would like, it doesn’t mean you have to but at least see and maybe he can help address your concerns.

I just want to add, As pp has said. What if you require surgery?

An hour after my daughter was born, I was taken to theatre. Was told I'd only be gone half hour, but due to complications I was gone for 3-4 hours. I wasn't worried because baby was with her dad.

@PreggersMcPreggers

I just want to add, As pp has said. What if you require surgery?

An hour after my daughter was born, I was taken to theatre. Was told I'd only be gone half hour, but due to complications I was gone for 3-4 hours. I wasn't worried because baby was with her dad.

I think the OP said not in the same room, rather than he was to stay at home or at not come in a a 5k radius.

What other room would be available for him to wait in? I don’t think hospitals have seperate rooms for fathers nowadays

I thought they were making men wait in the car until active labour now. What do couples without a car do? Do men just stand in the car park?