To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

Recently, with all the Covid stuff going on, we've had more women birthing without partners, as the Dad can't get there in time, or is looking after the other kids. And they've always been ok with it - it can actually be really nice to just have women in the birth room. Midwives are brilliant at supporting birthing women - it's what we do best! Recent births I've attended where partner hasn;t been present, I've managed to snaffle a student or MCA to come in as additional support for the woman (even a bemused junior Dr once, who ended up quite emotional as it was her first "normal" birth!)

I hope you obtained the consent of the birthing women before you snaffled random HCP to come along for additional support.

Jeez the state of this thread. I've lost count of how many times the OP has been told she is selfish for wanting to prioritise her needs giving birth.

If she is uncomfortable and makes compromises she doesn't want to please someone else this may hinder her ability to cope and labour in the most optimum way for her.

@ancientgran made one of the best posts. It's great that women campaigned for and won the right to have fathers present - its obviously a good thing for women that get a lot of benefit from it.

Something has gone very wrong in the other direction though if it becomes something of a diktat for women that don't want a partner present and they are shamed and bullied into accepting it. There's a massive difference between giving men the opportunity to be involved if both parties are in agreement and making the male experience of childbirth high on the priority list.

Please OP make a birth plan based on what makes you feel comfortable and most prepared for the challenge. When the day arrives things might change or they might not but whatever happens you are the one giving birth and your wishes are paramount.

Despite what's been posted here I think a lot of partners would understand this so talk to your DH, he might be more supportive of a hands off approach than you think.

I wish you and your baby well.

@Sugartitties ok so you're a man. Obvious bloke is obvious

Yuk spot the wanker bloke - sugartitties? Great name.

bleurgh could you imagine wanting someone who talks like that within a million miles of your birth

I haven’t read the 33 pages of this thread but sounds like the OP is getting some flack for her views.

My DH is hopeless in hospitals and around blood so when I had my first child 15 years ago I suggested he didn’t need to be in the labour room. The midwife at my antenatal classes was horrible and talked about “ his problem” as if it was unthinkable that he wouldn’t be in the room! It never seemed to occur to her that I was fine with it and knew that medical experts would be far more use than him.

In the end, he did stay and sat by my head. I was fine with him not seeing all the gore down below. For my second birth, I actually asked him to leave as his sympathetic expressions during contractions were annoying me.🤣.
He came back and held my leg for the final push- I didn’t especially want him to, but the doctor asked him to help out so he did.

I personally can’t see any problem with giving birth without the father present. He normally can’t help much and he’ll be there for the rest of your child’s life. Do what works for you, OP, congratulations on your pregnancy.

I haven't read the thread so apologies if this has already been said, but my baby was unexpectedly very poorly after birth (thankfully ok now) and it was very important that dh was there while the drs explained what was happening etc. If you decide not to have dh there whilst you are actually giving birth, I would really recommend him being very nearby and then coming in immediately after (if that's allowed at the moment with covid), it's really unlikely that anything will go wrong, but trust me you would want him there if it did.

@OvaHere. You’re exactly right, we felt shamed and bullied by the midwife for not wanting DH present. It was ridiculous!

Any reason dh cant wait outside? Mil said fil stayed with her until she started to push (hours of labour) then he waited outside the room as that's what they both wanted.

When I think back to my labours, there was precious little screaming and no nakedness.

Truth is, labour is in large part really quite banal; it feels very medical and boring. Hours can go by where almost nothing happens and no midwife needs to (or can) spend time with you.

If I had been without my husband I'd have had 49 sleepless hours alone on a ward. Nobody to send to the shop for magazines and Diet Coke, nobody to do the crossword with, nobody to text my best mate updates.

It's really not all drama and nudity; it's still a very odd experience, and for that reason alone I think it would have been much the poorer if I'd been alone.

OP, do what you are comfortable with, ignore the handmaidens who can't possibly do anything without a man present.

I felt exactly the same as you.

When it came to it though and I felt out of control and scared and pushed around by midwives he had my back and was their to support me.

I do have a line though. When baby no.3 came and I wasn't sure if it a was a baby coming or something else I did ask him to leave the room for a moment!

I get a taxi in, labor alone, then buzz the midwife when I know babies close. I enjoy the peace of it. My DH was there at the birth of one and I was offering him a chair and a cup of tea as he looked.like he was gonna collapse!, chocolate fireplace summed it up perfectly :) Whatever makes you comfortable is exactly right, if half way through you felt you needed him you can call him:)

@whatever1980 I know what you mean.🤣. I’m pretty sure it happened to me during my second birth.

**TableFlowerss
Funny how this is OP’s first thread.....

biscuitbiscuitbiscuit**

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

Stop stalking me

And yes - it does!!

I had my mum there. DH turned up at the end. Wouldn't change it at all

Sorry haven't RTFT but I think whatever the woman in labour wants, she gets. That said, my DH ended up holding my legs up for me and got far more involved than either of us expected, but I'm so glad that my DH saw what I went through. He was so in awe of me and what I went though. I don't think he would have appreciated how bad it is if he hadn't seen it.

I can quite see why you might not want him there. I'm quite used to doing things alone and don't need my hand holding. Do what you want. It's your body and your labour

The only person I could communicate with during final stages of Labour was DH. I could not understand what the doctors and midwives were saying and needed him there to translate.

Honestly op when you are actually giving birth you won't give a shit about who is there!

I wish people would stop saying this based on just their own experience. I can tell you from mine that it's not true.

@Arrivederla I cared about what I looked like in labour. I didn't want to be naked or my husband looking at my vagina with a head emerging from it. Not everyone leaves their modesty at the door.

I gave a shit.

I know that practically everyone else I know gave a shit.

In fact the very experience of having to be in such a uniquely personal and vulnerable position in the company of specific people ranging from a male doctor (for someone with a history of abuse) to the threat of forcing her to accept his mother being in the room (for a friend with a nasty overbearing husband and family) was entirely important and directly related to making childbirth an utterly traumatic experience.

YES WE CARED.

NO MEANS NO.

I totally get you with the whole wanting to be left alone when ill - I've always been and always will be better at dealing with things like that by myself.

However if I had told my husband I didn't want him at the birth of our children he would be gutted. I would never have done it because regardless how I felt they are his children too and I wouldn't want to deprive him the chance to be there for their births.

I did however give him instructions that I wanted him to stay waist up at all times, which he completely respected. They asked him if he wanted to look at one point and he said no, but to be honest at that point I couldn't have cared less if he did or not.

I was induced with my second baby and I was so thankful he was there, mainly for company and to keep me laughing while we were waiting around.

As much as I could have done it alone, I'm glad he got to be a part of it.

If your husband is understanding and happy to not be in the room then I don't see the problem, but it's something you need to discuss between you.

I will just say that during labour any birth plans or wishes you may have can instantly change so make sure he is close by incase you change your mind last minute

I do think it's unusual op, most men now are at the birth. Have you discussed it with him ?

Yeah, what does your husband think? Ffs!

Most men weren't at the birth 40 years ago. But this is about choice, not cultural norms.