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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want husband there when I give birth?

999 replies

potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:00

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

OP posts:
Malbecblooms · 10/08/2020 22:00

That makes no sense. I'm a woman. I want to have rights. I'm indebted to the suffragettes for my right to vote for example.

I expect to be paid an equal salary to my make counterparts. I expect to be employed in STEM subjects if I so wish.

I want to be able to wear trousers in s workplace if I fancy it.

I expect men to be able to be childminders, Bart dancers, stay at home dad's, florest and any other stereotypically female jobs.

I don't expect to make all decisions about the children.

To be honest,I'm finding it hard to even think about this as I don't think in men and women turns. My closest friend is male. I find it quite incidental. I can't think of a single time in my life that I've felt hard done by having an xx chromosome.

Malbecblooms · 10/08/2020 22:02

I do apologise for the spelling mistakes. I'm tired. If I'm having an intelligent debate I don't want to make it harder to read it x

VinylDetective · 10/08/2020 22:03

I can't think of a single time in my life that I've felt hard done by having an xx chromosome

You’ve either led a charmed life or you don’t know sexism when you see it.

kayakingmum · 10/08/2020 22:03

Does he understand how you tick? If so, he shouldn't be surprised how you feel.
Having said that you don't need to be naked so don't worry about that. I wore a nightie when I gave birth to both of my children. My partner stayed at the head end so didn't see anything. He also didn't say or do anything - which suited me.

Could you just ask your husband to do the same - I.e not to do or say anything?

Try not to worry too much.
Maybe it's best if he's there for the start and then you could kick him out if you want to, rather him not being there and then you decide you would like him there half way through.

Trashtara · 10/08/2020 22:03

Malbecblooms except you said up thread that your body isn't yours when you are pregnant and your husband/ baby's father has the right to be at the birth.

So you don't believe women have rights over their body.

Or is it women have rights over their bodies unless it impacts on men. Because that's what you seem to be saying.

Arrivederla · 10/08/2020 22:04

@potatoesandonions

Seeing me naked when having sex on a bed in a dark room after I’ve had a shower etc is very different to stark hospital light when I’m giving birth. Can people honestly not see this?

And no it’s not being ill but I said quite clearly very ill or in pain, giving birth is painful.

Honestly op when you are actually giving birth you won't give a shit about who is there! Your mind and body will be totally taken up with the actual process of giving birth.

And why do you think you will be naked? Confused I've never known that happen.

Malbecblooms · 10/08/2020 22:07

I believe woman has rights over her body for sex. I would rather hope that goes without saying.

When pregnant, not so much. You have your child to think of who is sharing your body and the person who put the child there.

Alwaysinpain · 10/08/2020 22:10

YABVVVVVVVU and selfish

Arthersleep · 10/08/2020 22:10

Crikey. This has all got rather heated!
I must have read @BiscoffBoy 's post more generously. I actually thought that it contained some really lovely elements. I didn't see it as him wishing or expecting his wife to endure extra pain, just that he thought that, knowing how desperately he wanted to be there, she probably would have been a little more flexible out of selflessness. That's not to say that OP should do the same. But I don't get people being so hard on those who say that the dad's wishes should be completely sidelined. They should at least be considered in the decision making process. I feel that @PrivateD00r raises some very valid points here.

Also, just to say my husband is a very private sort of person. Cannot stand anyone making a fuss. He fairly recently went through a hell of an ordeal, which actually made my births look easy (and they certainly weren't plain sailing). He ended up in intense care in a coma on life support. During his time in hospital I watched him in considerable pain, stripped of all dignity, frightened, with chronic diarrhoea, vomiting etc. And you know what.... He wanted me there and I did have to speak up for him. I had to make some very difficult decisions upon his behalf and sign consent forms etc. You know what, I love and respect him all the more for what he went through. Just as he did when I gave birth. Equally, it's amazing how fast you can abandon all dignity when in pain and equally, how quickly it is restored again afterwards and you just see each other no differently, but perhaps have a stronger bond. I say this for reassurance. That said, your body, your choice. Hope that the conversation goes well with your husband as does the birth.

Notredamn · 10/08/2020 22:13

Sorry to say that your expectations aren't reality, @Malbecblooms even in this day and age. Yet you don't believe in 'womens rights bullshit'
Anyway that's gone way off subject. Sad that you only saw yourself as a sperm receptacle, and then walking incubator, whilst pregnant. As your body 'wasn't yours'.

Giespeace · 10/08/2020 22:16

@Malbecblooms
There is nothing “equal” about pregnancy and childbirth. Nothing. One person is going through it. The other is not. It’s really very simple.
It’s also generally accepted basic knowledge about humans that a woman in labour needs to feel as safe and relaxed as possible because stress and fear can literally cause her more pain and can also cause labour to be prolonged. If the fathers presence will cause stress then he shouldn’t be there. No bleating about his precious “equal“ rights.
The fact that you still think a man is owed something in all this is absolutely appalling.

Trashtara · 10/08/2020 22:16

@Arrivederla some people very much care about who is there. I certainly did. Others may not but you can't say OP definitely won't.

Malbecblooms · 10/08/2020 22:18

sad that you only saw yourself as a sperm receptacle, and then walking incubator, whilst pregnant. As your body 'wasn't yours

I wasn't sad at all. I was happy to be a mum. I loved sharing my body and I loved sharing the birth with my favourite person-my husband.

bananacone · 10/08/2020 22:20

@Malbecblooms what if, for example, a woman wanted to have an abortion but the father of the baby was against it? Just interested what your thoughts are in this scenario.

Notredamn · 10/08/2020 22:20

No, no, @Malbecblooms it's sad because now you're projecting all of your deep-rooted, nonsensical misogyny onto other women, who don't have the same wishes for themselves as you do. It's very sad.

Trashtara · 10/08/2020 22:21

Malbecblooms good for you, but you have to accept not everyone feels that way.

At what point do you stop having total body autonomy? Is it only when happily pregnant, or do you think a man should decide whether you should have an abortion or not? Should you be forced to carry on with a pregnancy you don't want because your body is no longer your own?

Notredamn · 10/08/2020 22:23

Strange that blooms thinks that some consent matters, but other consent doesn't. How does she draw the line? What is the reasoning? So many questions.

IDidntChoseThePondLife · 10/08/2020 22:28

Giving birth is such a visceral overwhelming experience that, as others have said, you go into your own zone and it doesn't matter if they're there or not. I was just really grateful that my DH was there to be my advocate, and to keep me company during labour. I was in labour for hours with an epidural! When everything started happening the professionals took over and he kept out of the way. When DD was born she was cleaned up an handed to him while they did some repair work and then she was handed to me. It was lovely to have him there actually and the fact we created and met our DD together bonded us in a way I would never have imagined.
He was then sent home and I felt really vulnerable and alone. I didn't know what the hell to do, the staff were busy the ward was noisy and I was completely out of my depth. I wish I had had someone to help me for those first few nights with feeding especially, and if I were to have another baby I would definitely hire a doula or similar.
Sorry that was long - good luck with whatever you decide

Ineedcoffee2345 · 10/08/2020 22:34

I didnt get naked any time i give birth. I wore night dresses

flowerstar19 · 10/08/2020 22:39

Hi OP, just another perspective about your OH being there is that when my first child was born, I had to have an emergency c-section and before I could even hold my baby he was being rushed to intensive care. I told my husband to go with him and it was a huge comfort to me - stuck in theatre/recovery for a long time that he was there for our son. Incredibly stressful for him but I think if our son had gone alone it would have been awful for me. If you aren't comfortable with him being there all the time, maybe he could be nearby, check in on you, bring snacks etc though I appreciate the Covid situation may mean he can't just wait in the corridor. Anyway best of luck and try not to worry, your beautiful baby will make all this stress worthwhile Xxx

IDidntChoseThePondLife · 10/08/2020 22:44

I round your post really touching @Arthersleep I hope your DH is recovering well. Flowers

DisgruntledSnowman · 10/08/2020 22:49

Another midwife here!

Choosing not to have a partner there is a little unusual, but it's not so out of the ordinary that people need to get het up about it. Some women prefer to go it alone, or have their mum/sister/BFF with them. The birthing woman is in control in the birth room.

Recently, with all the Covid stuff going on, we've had more women birthing without partners, as the Dad can't get there in time, or is looking after the other kids. And they've always been ok with it - it can actually be really nice to just have women in the birth room. Midwives are brilliant at supporting birthing women - it's what we do best! Recent births I've attended where partner hasn;t been present, I've managed to snaffle a student or MCA to come in as additional support for the woman (even a bemused junior Dr once, who ended up quite emotional as it was her first "normal" birth!)

The naked thing really isnt a problem. I've looked after lots of women who aren't the naked types. They wear nighties, or a hospital gown, or I cover them with a sheet. Midwives are experts at maintaining your dignity. I hate women thinking they have to leave their dignity at the door. They don't. A decent midwife will work out what is important to the woman and do their absolute best to facilitate it.

Oswin · 10/08/2020 22:52

@Malbecblooms

sad that you only saw yourself as a sperm receptacle, and then walking incubator, whilst pregnant. As your body 'wasn't yours

I wasn't sad at all. I was happy to be a mum. I loved sharing my body and I loved sharing the birth with my favourite person-my husband.

Every post of yours makes my stomach turn. No one put a baby in you ffs that's not how it works. That you see pregnant women as not being in charge of there own body is horrible. What if you were pregnant and your husband insisted on an abortion and you didn't want one. Bet you would take charge of your own body then. Absolutely awful
Oswin · 10/08/2020 22:53

I wish people would stop saying OP wont care who is there or they didn't scream or become incontinent.
Do you people not have the thinking skills to realise people are different with different labours?

Sugartitties · 10/08/2020 22:59

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