To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

Hi OP you probably won't see this amongst so many replies, but for me, I knew that I hate fuss and people flapping around me, or even touching me when I'm concentrating on something, but I knew I absolutely wanted DH there at the birth. The midwives were super hands off and mostly let me crack on, DH sat on the comfy chair in the corner and just sort of, existed. He handed me water when the midwives told him to, he chose nice music to have playing, he took some gorgeous photos of me in the birth pool that I didn't realise at the time but looking back at them they're my favourite thing in the world. And then he came and hugged me and baby when she was having her first skin to skin so he was part of it.
I'd really consider just telling your DH and your midwives that you'd like to cope on your own as much as poss so you can go into yourself and concentrate, but they'll be in the background if you need them, and I'm sure you'll want DH to see the baby as soon as it's born so you can share that moment?
I hope it all goes well, id have a conversation with him first and foremost and explain what you're worried about and see how you can best cope with it.
Also, if things don't go to plan and you need more intervention or surgery etc I think you'll need him there, to advocate for you if necessary, or just to be there for you and the baby. Even if things go swimmingly, I needed DH to have the baby for an hour or so after she was born while the midwives sorted me out in terms of placenta and stitches so he had her for skin to skin for almost an hour after her first feed, and that was lovely for both of them and I knew I didn't have to worry about anything while the midwives took care of me.

@potatoesandonions bloody hell it looks like you've had a rough time with this thread. I'll admit, I haven't rtft, but have read your responses. I don't think yabu at all. My first dc was born by elcs, and having my husband there just stressed me out tbh. He doesn't handle stress well, and it becomes all about him. Second DC, I went in on my own. My mum joined me for a trudge around the corridors and a coffee (had to have my waters broken) and my husband turned up after he'd finished work, had his tea, had a shower etc. I well well and truly into labour by then, a d honestly didn't really notice his presence other than to seat his hand away occasionally. He tried a few "you're doing really well" type comments and it just pissed me off.

I have no issues with nakedness. I wouldn't have like to poop in front of him but honestly, I don't think I'd have cared at that stage. I ended up being rushed into theatre, which was apparently very traumatic for him.

I am just as you describe though, in that sort of "state" i dont want help or comfort or anything other than to be left alone.

Haven't read all the posts but thought I would add my thoughts/experience.
I'm not shy when it comes to my body but I was adamant that I didn't want DH down the business end when it was all happening.
But to be totally honest, when I was in that much pain, i really didn't care and wasn't paying any attention to DH until he asked where he could sit down as he felt like he was going to pass out just as the baby was crowning. Can laugh about it now but I was a bit like WTF at the time 😂
All I can say OP is you do what your are comfortable with. If he wants to be there for the birth I think it would be mean to tell him no but you can stipulate that he stays by your head at all times and not go down near the other end.
Also, you don't have to be naked if you don't want to. You can wear a nightie/big t-shirt so the rest of you is covered up if you like.

Take no notice OP. It's not odd and YANBU. It's your choice ultimately and that should be respected.

I think hospital births put you in this weird situation where the partner is stuck in one room with you. Maybe not much help to you but mine were all born at home so there were long periods of time (esp with my first) where he pottered about within yelling distance but so I could labour in the dark and quiet. I hated back rubs and the bath and he was happy to provide the arms length support I wanted. I valued him being there in the way I wanted. As others have said you need to talk and find a good way for both of you.

@TableFlowerss

Funny how this is OP’s first thread.....

Table biscuit still doesn't mean troll. Stop trying.

i think its a bitweird not wanting your husband there - ex, course

but honestly once in birth you wont give a flying fuck who is in there. A brass band could walk in and have a gander at your vagina and its ok!

Carly I'm sick of reading that shit! It's not true for many women.

It makes it even worse when a woman who has a strong wish for personal dignity, is robbed off it merely because she's either so pain or out of it to the extent she longer 'cares'. That's vulnerability. It's a lack of respect. It's taking advantage of her. She may look back on it and feel violated.

[quote LittleMissTeacup]@areallthenamesusedup - that’s really interesting, please could you let me know if you remember the name? I’d like to hear this.

Also, to the OP - it’s totally your decision, whatever your reasons. Don’t be pushed into something you don’t want to do.[/quote]
Just had a google....thinks this is the chap

"Frederick Leboyer.... Despite initial resistance, his ideas for less medicalised birth changed the face of the labour ward"

Think the book is called "Birth without Violence".

He was clear husbands/partners being present does not work for every couple.

YANBU OP, I felt the same. DH would've been mortally offended if I'd told him I'd rather he wasn't in the room though, so instead, before the big day, we discussed what I wanted/needed from him.

No cheerleading, telling me how well I'm doing/how proud he is of me 🤮.

No touching me/rubbing my back etc.

No asking stupid questions (are you ok etc), or offering 'helpful' suggestions.

Stay away from the goal end.

Basically, stay at the head and of the bed and don't do anything unless I told him to. And he complied, perfectly.

I will say, once you're in labour/delivering, you may find you couldn't give a fuck about him seeing you in the state you're anticipating you'll be in. Or even remember kris afterwards. Just tell him how you're feeling. Good luck

yeah I don't know where to begin with your posts, @Malbecblooms. They're fucked up. I just hope you don't spout this absolute nonsense to any DD you might have.

No I would tell any girl that they are equal to a man,not more or less.

I consider my husband my equal and his feelings and desires equal to mine. My body was not mine when pregnant, it was my boys' home, their place to grow & every decision I made was for them not me.

I felt priveledged having 8 months of them growing,their entry to the world was to be shared by the people that made them.

To the person who said about emergency c section. Medical needs of babies trump's both parents needs so that is an irrelevant point.

I don't have s dysfunctional relationshio. I'm far from submissive. I will fight my corner with my husband when I think I'm right and you know what I'm not always perfect about listening to him. However,I would never have dreamt of with holding his moment at the birth. It's not to do with women's rights or any other such bullshit. It's good sharing as I would say to the children. Neither one of us has more right than the other.i just considered his wants and needs alongside my own

Hi op, I am a midwife.

As far as I am concerned, whatever the woman wants, goes. This is 100% your choice. It is however likely that your DH will be very hurt so it is important to have a calm and rational conversation about it. Ultimately though, he should respect your wishes.

Just a few things that struck me from your replies -

I always clear away any poo really quickly and without fuss; no one else in the room would ever know about it.

Dads generally keep away from the business end, unless the woman asks them to look.

I have never saw a woman birth naked. In fact, I often encourage women to birth standing, often holding on to the side of the bed, bed raised high. I position their partner at the otherside of the bed, facing them, holding hands if they wish. She has a sheet draped over her bum. I am the only person who sees anything. I find couples tend to like this set up. There are many other discreet positions also that maintain her dignity.

I also hate fuss and don't want to be touched when in pain. I simply told dh this and he stayed back out of the way. If you don't want your back rubbed, simply tell DH this!

The pool is often a good way to protect your own space - it provides a physical barrier around you!

Some women put on headphones, close their eyes and zone out of the environment. This might work well for you, whether you are alone or not.

Check the rules in your unit. My place asks dads to leave about 2 hours after birth, they then only get an hour daily visit. If DH isn't there for the birth, when will he get to meet his baby? It would be best to suss that all out. We didn't let dads in to visit at all for a few months there, so if a dad had missed the birth, he might have to wait a few days to meet his baby.

Your approach is a bit unconventional, but perhaps many women feel the same, but just don't have the balls to actually go for it? I think it is ok to put yourself first here, giving birth is a massive life event. I do believe it has to be based on what YOU want. It isn't a spectator sport after all.

I would much much rather have been alone OP. Please, if this is how you feel just do it alone.

What can anyone even say to someone who describes women's rights as bullshit? You're a very sinister individual, @Malbecblooms
I'm actually hoping you're just a troll. I can't believe anyone would lead such an ill-informed, ignorant existence. It must be so troubling.

@PrivateD00r

Hi op, I am a midwife.

As far as I am concerned, whatever the woman wants, goes. This is 100% your choice. It is however likely that your DH will be very hurt so it is important to have a calm and rational conversation about it. Ultimately though, he should respect your wishes.

Just a few things that struck me from your replies -

I always clear away any poo really quickly and without fuss; no one else in the room would ever know about it.

Dads generally keep away from the business end, unless the woman asks them to look.

I have never saw a woman birth naked. In fact, I often encourage women to birth standing, often holding on to the side of the bed, bed raised high. I position their partner at the otherside of the bed, facing them, holding hands if they wish. She has a sheet draped over her bum. I am the only person who sees anything. I find couples tend to like this set up. There are many other discreet positions also that maintain her dignity.

I also hate fuss and don't want to be touched when in pain. I simply told dh this and he stayed back out of the way. If you don't want your back rubbed, simply tell DH this!

The pool is often a good way to protect your own space - it provides a physical barrier around you!

Some women put on headphones, close their eyes and zone out of the environment. This might work well for you, whether you are alone or not.

Check the rules in your unit. My place asks dads to leave about 2 hours after birth, they then only get an hour daily visit. If DH isn't there for the birth, when will he get to meet his baby? It would be best to suss that all out. We didn't let dads in to visit at all for a few months there, so if a dad had missed the birth, he might have to wait a few days to meet his baby.

Your approach is a bit unconventional, but perhaps many women feel the same, but just don't have the balls to actually go for it? I think it is ok to put yourself first here, giving birth is a massive life event. I do believe it has to be based on what YOU want. It isn't a spectator sport after all.

Am also a midwife - you’ve never seen a woman birth naked? Lots of the women I’ve cared for who have birthed in the water have been naked for a start! I had grand plans to wear a vest or bikini top when I gave birth, however once I got the green light to get in the pool, all my clothes came off.

I wasn't thinking of waterbirths, obviously women are less exposed in the water. My point was more to emphasise that the op will not be made to be naked when she clearly does not want to be.

Aahh I can assure you I'm not sinister. I'm a nice normal middle aged woman who just believes in equality where it's due.

I personally just don't buy into I can do whatever I want because XYZ. That's not sinister. It's fair.

I don't believe in women's rights, I believe in me and women having equal rights. Again, not sinister,fair.

We had some lovely plans of my husband running my back and massaging my hands etc. He tried to touch me when I was in active labour and I all but growled at him!
We learnt I don't want to be touched but I need to be cheerleaded!
With the second he sat at the other side of the room and told me I was doing so well and I was amazing. He didn't come near me. He was however there when I needed care afterwards and he was holding our new baby.
For me him being there wasn't even a question. For you it obviously is and that's why you need to do what's best for you. You need someone who will support you regardless. Whatever they say on here you need to be relaxed with whoever you have with you.

Op do what makes you feel comfortable, if you think your partner will annoy you during labour he probably will. My H annoyed me so much during the birth of DC2 I didn't have him at the birth of DC3 and I don't regret my decision at all. He wasn't happy about it but he got over it. He had his feet up on the bed watching one of his shitty programmes that I hate, constantly in and out to smoke knowing the smell made me sick, the midwife told him off for using the gas and air, and he was constantly on his phone. I was completely embarrassed when they put my legs up in stirrups and couldn't push properly for fear of what it looked like down there. The midwife assured me he couldn't see anything, she must have seen the look on my face and knew what I was worried about. I was ready to tell him to leave but DS was born at the next push so he got to stay. It's completely up to you of you want to have someone with you. Good luck when the time comes.

'Equal rights'- this gets thrown around a lot, usually to try and shut down women's rights. What does it even mean? What does 'equal rights' mean to you, @Malbecblooms? Other than being some obscure concept designed to slap down an individual's actual rights, wishes, autonomy, dignity and choices?

When did your body become your own again, @Malbecblooms, once you birthed your children? Or is it still 'theirs'? And at what point do you draw the line over your DH's access to it? Or do you not? Because of 'equal rights' to it?

I would have been happy to give birth alone. We seem to have gone from a woman's right to choose, to a man's right to see the birth of his child, which is quite worrying.

My body was not mine when pregnant

Ahhh that makes it all clear now.

However, excuse us if some of us want to keep ownership of our bodies... even when pregnant.

@potatoesandonions are you in a happy relationship?

I find it absolutely bizarre that you are having a baby with someone you are so uncomfortable with.

You're, very selfishly, denying your OH a special moment - and quite frankly, your reasons are very odd.