To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

[quote ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]@ShebaShimmyShake but haven't you heard? It's an immense privilege to give birth!

Be grateful and stop complaining.[/quote]
Urgh, did we get that one as well? I don't know why I'm surprised. That's from the "women are actually so superior to men, that's why we can't let them do anything" school of bollocks, that is.

Haha, yeah. The average man would totally choose to birth a child if he could because it's such a privilege. I'm sure it's sheer jealousy that turns so many of them green at the event!

@potatoesandonions My sister didn’t want her DH at her births. She had our mother and a doula at them. It hasn’t affected how her DH feels about anything - but it was the right decision for her.

If you feel you’d like a ‘professional’ to help advocate for you, a doula might be useful to you too. It’s a different kind of ‘expert role’ so you might find that you don’t mind exposing your vulnerability in that context.

FWIW my DH was useless in my recent labour. More than useless - he actively made it harder. Until we finally got to labour ward and I think he was too shocked to do anything much (it was all a bit of a scary disaster). I did get a brilliant midwife who listened to me (and understood) and advocated for me with the doctors. And ensured I knew what had happened and why. But I’d have been buggered if I had to rely on DH for anything.

Can you tell him how you feel but play it by ear @potatoesandonions? I'm totally with you on not wanting to be naked and hating being touched when in pain. I'd planned a water birth with full tankini top but when the time came I couldn't give a flying fuck who saw me naked. Labour is a very different experience in your head to how it plays out. E. G. You may well make noises that would have mortified you but you won't care. My DH did try and get in the pool to 'be supportive' but I just kicked him out! I don't know what he was thinking as he knows I don't like being touched when in pain. I found it really helpful him being there as an intermediary with the midwives. So even if you have the chat and say you don't want him, be prepared to change your mind. Best of luck with it all. Mumsnet can sometimes be vicious.

I only know a handful of friends who've given birth and ALL of us had different experiences. Personally DS was prem and it was all very fast. I didn't have a birth plan, we hadn't discussed all the options with a midwife etc, only between us two, so only he knew what I had thought I wanted. He was incredibly useful to me during labour, however that's MY story.
You will have a different experience. Make it your own.

What really bugs me with some posters is the sheer arrogance.

Assuming their experience is an universal truth. That their feelings are facts and every other woman must feel or do the same otherwise they are odd,selfish or a handful.

Who died and made you chief birthers?

You only know your own body, your own feelings,your own experience. You have no idea how OP feels or how she will feel or how her husband being there will affect her.

How dare you try to make her feel "less" for trying to avoid extra stress and worry in her own labour?

Yes the woman carries it and gives birth. What an immensely privilege to do so. A father has every right to be there. You can't run men down for not stepping up but also say their feelings don't matter.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

You have to do what is right for you OP. If this is reassuring in any way, when I was in labour the midwives were very good at maintaining dignity if that was what you wanted. I wore a hospital gown and had a sheet over me. Obviously the bottom half was exposed during the second stage but anyone sitting by the top of the bed couldn't see . I may have been lucky but I wasn't shitting, vomiting or sweating much. I was bleeding afterwards. I was with my daughter when she gave birth and it was similar. Personally I was glad to have my husband's company in the first stage as they are busy and you are left alone quite a bit. My husband went out if I was examined and while I was stitched. I didn't want a midwife who I had a relationship with, just someone I would see that once and never again. We are all different and our partners all have different temprements. My husband cheered me up with black humour and didn't irritate me by making a fuss of me. He most definitely didn't tell me I wasn't trying hard enough . I would keep an open mind, perhaps have him "on call" in case you want him for any reason but it isn't odd not to want him there, it's up to you.

A father has every right to be there.

So this ‘right’ you’re talking about - it’s obviously not a legal right (thank goodness). But let’s think about this - what if it was? What would that law look like? Would it say that a women has no right to refuse to have the father of the baby present at the birth?

So what if the woman is no longer in a relationship with the father of the baby? What if he’s abusive? What if the father of of the baby is a sperm donor - does he have the right to barge into the delivery room then, even though he’s never met the mother? What if the mother needs a crash section (ie one where she’s under a general anaesthetic)? They don’t typically allow fathers into theatre in those circumstances - is this practice breaching the father’s ‘right’?

Come ON. Engage brain!

I would say if you are adamant that you do not want your husband there during the birth, then you get the final say.

However, your husband deserves an explanation and for there to be a discussion regarding your decision. It may be that your husband absolutely does not to be there to see his child born. Or is fine either way. If so, great. If he’s really hurt and upset, then you have to accept his right to his feelings, just as you have a right to yours. In other words- do what you feel you must, but bear in mind the potential consequences of your actions too.

I think it would be wrong to say that as your feelings are paramount and the final choice is yours that his feelings deserve no consideration at all.

My DH would have been extremely hurt if I had kept him away when I was giving birth to our DC’s. I don’t think he was much use in many ways really, I don’t really remember. I do remember how happy and proud he was each time. In retrospect I am so glad he was there and can’t have imagine having shut him out of the birth of our children. I don’t think it would have been the right thing. Maybe your relationship is different though, so what I would say is talk to him about it.

I think you are over thinking it. He's not there to judge what you look like, he's there for support and believe me you need it. It may go swimmingly but it also might not and in that might not scenario you need someone there. Also it helps him bond with the child as well as get close to you! Don't deny him that opportunity.

It doesn't matter what a load of random strangers on an anonymous internet forum think about it, it's only your feelings and your partners feelings that matter.

Other people might think that it's odd you would prefer not to have him there, but it's not actually any of their business, just as their opinions about it aren't any of your business either.

Anyway, I know a couple who didn't have the father at the birth for other reasons, the sky didn't fall in. It worked for them.

Are you new to this site?

If you find "odd" mean then you should have posted in a very different style in Relationships or something. FWIW I thought "odd" was very restrained for AIBU. If you asked how you could ask your h not to be in the delivery room without hurting his feelings then I think you'd get the replies that you were looking for.

You aren't unreasonable to think that your OH could be more of a hindrance than help (certain personalities are not made for crisis situations) but people aren't unreasonable to ask what he'd think. Some men would be secretly relieved to be absolved of the expectation and tidy the house so you'd return to calm.

I don't see the complexity???? You can't say at this moment I call all the shots but later on I don't want all the rights and responsibilities

I'm really cross that the same women (theoretically speaking) that say men should do everything for their child say a woman has a right to deny them being at the birth of their child

A child is the shared progeny of two people. But only one person has to gestate and birth said child. That person gets to make all the decisions regarding the exiting of a child from their own body. Your logic is completely flawed @Malbecblooms. You can’t make everything ‘fair’ in this instance.

I can’t imagine what sort of a shitheel father would decline to do basic care for his own child because he wasn’t present when said child was born. What a depressing thought.

I think you need to be aware that you might find it useful to have someone there just for practical reasons. I wasn't allowed to drink during labour for over 12 hours. My partner bought sweets from the hospital shop. Without those it would have been awful, my mouth was so dry. When the baby was born I had to go to be stitched up in theatre and was gone for 2 hours. My partner held the baby. If he wasn't there I don't think anyone would have been able to hold her - probably would have been left in a cot alone. For these reasons I'm glad he was there, even if he wasn't really needed as an advocate.
You are right though it is very undignified. My mother in law was very keen on coming - I'm glad I put my foot down there!

I think you should consider having this moved to the pregnancy and childbirth page. No offence but AIBU is for ppl who want to hear the blunt truth. Whereas you clearly have your mind made up and that’s fine but you’ll probably get better advice there. Ppl are brutal on AIBU.

I can see you're a little sensitive about being told you're odd, however, the overwhelming majority here (myself included) do find it bizarre that you don't like your husband seeing you naked. How on earth did you conceive your child without him seeing part of your naked body? Have you only ever had sex in a dark room after having a shower?

Oh I HATE this wide-eyed faux-innocent obtuseness.

If you can’t see that there’s a difference between the act of consensual sexual intercourse in the privacy of your own home and the act of pushing a baby out of your vagina in a hospital then your sex life must be absolutely shocking.

I’m confused to why OP has even started this thread if she didn’t want 2 sides to the story. It’s in AIBU after all which usually provokes one of two responses. So think she was bound to get a mixed reaction! She’s obviously the only one who is ‘allowed’ to make the decision so why even bother with an AIBU if she thinks what she is doing is reasonable. Weird thread.

@potatoesandonions

I think you need to sit down and discuss this with your husband in detail. Work out between you what you want to happen. I can’t imagine you husband will be that surprised if he already knows how you feel about being in pain/ill/naked - will he?

When you say you don’t want him there holding your hand, rubbing your back, fussing -these things tend to happen in the earlier stages of labour. Are you saying you don’t want him there at all? That is unusual. Even back in the day when it wasn’t the done thing for fathers to be on the delivery room they were present in the early stages then hanging around in the waiting room for the birth itself. Also you say you don’t want him there if you vomit. I vomited while bring triaged so a good 3 hours before DS arrived. It often happens during transition apparently.

The think I was worried about was being naked, in front of staff not DH. I had a water birth and started off in a vest top in the pool. I found it mithering and soon took it off. Turned out I couldn’t care less when it came to.

My DH didn’t fuss as he knew I wouldn’t like it. I was glad to have him there. He knew what I wanted in case I couldn’t advocate but I was fine I know you say your DH wouldn’t advocate but is that the case if you told him before hand you needed him to? I guess if you have no strong opinions about what you want it isn’t needed. Yes some women are unable to advocate for themselves. I wasn’t one of them. If you do have preferences you can write them down and share them with staff who should do their best to accommodate.

I didn’t do any screaming or swearing. My birth was quite quick. I only needed gas and air. I got the water birth I wanted and was lucky. I did need quite a few stitches and it was nice to have DH there to hold DS while they sorted me out as I couldn’t. All things to think about. He kept out the way and just sat cuddling DS and updated every now and again that he was fine. For me his presence was reassuring.

Ultimately you do you OP but work out what that means with your DH in good time.

YABU! One telling your OH not to be there.

Also for asking AIBU and then getting upset at people saying YABU!

I think it would be wrong to say that as your feelings are paramount and the final choice is yours that his feelings deserve no consideration at all.

You would be wrong. She's the one labouring. Childbirth is not about men.

Funny how this is OP’s first thread.....

AIBU is not the best forum to ask this thread in OP.

There will be some couples who didn't have the father at the birth for various reasons, the majority probably do, but it doesn't matter about the majority.

Don't give this thread more head space, talk to your partner about how you feel.

Would you feel better if he stayed at the top?
I did a little pop when I was giving birth. I didn't even realise I did it was only when the midwife literally changed the liner within 2 seconds. They really respect your dignity. I also wee'd myself. Honestly what even am I! . But in all seriousness your feelings do matter and
Do whatever you feel comfortable with. I think you're quite strong actually. No way would
I have considered doing labour alone. Hats off to you.

Poo*

I think it would be wrong to say that as your feelings are paramount and the final choice is yours that his feelings deserve no consideration at all.

Not feelings,needs.

And a labouring woman's needs trump the partner's feelings.