To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

@Malbecblooms

your thinking is very bizarre, @Malbecblooms, could you talk us through your reasoning?

How so? It's his baby. I genuinely an baffled that anyone cannot see this.

Yes the woman carries it and gives birth. What an immensely privilege to do so. A father has every right to be there. You can't run men down for not stepping up but also say their feelings don't matter.

I don't see the complexity???? You can't say at this moment I call all the shots but later on I don't want all the rights and responsibilities.

I'm really cross that the same women (theoretically speaking) that say men should do everything for their child say a woman has a right to deny them being at the birth of their child.

Childbirth is a completely natural thing. Being embarrassed about it and denying someone else something huge because of that is incomprehensible.

It's THEIR baby. He didn't make the by himself did he? Neither did he carry the baby or will he give birth?

Privilege? More like nature and biology. No one gave women a womb and decided they should be the ones to carry babies. While we're at it , it can often be dangerous, traumatic , harmful(mentally and physically) or even deadly. What a privilege eh?

He has no rights period. He doesn't have the right to watch, be in the room, be in the building. There are no such rights.

What I find the most "interesting " in your views is that you believe that unless you put up and shut up, roll over and always put the man first , then you can't expect any support or adequate co parenting. Seriously, how low can your standards be? That's the base for a toxic, fucked up relationship not a loving,caring partnership.

@potatoesandonions I can see you're a little sensitive about being told you're odd, however, the overwhelming majority here (myself included) do find it bizarre that you don't like your husband seeing you naked. How on earth did you conceive your child without him seeing part of your naked body? Have you only ever had sex in a dark room after having a shower?

As a woman who's been through labour, in my personal experience, my husband seeing my naked body was the absolute least of my worries. I think my husband would've been absolutely devastated to have missed the birth of his child. Yes, absolutely your wishes should be paramount, but equally, you must consider his feelings. If he doesn't mind either way then of course, do whatever makes you happy. Admittedly though, I find your reasoning a little selfish. Denying him being at the birth of his own child purely because of your own vanity seems incredibly unfair.

[quote mrsmummy1111]@potatoesandonions I can see you're a little sensitive about being told you're odd, however, the overwhelming majority here (myself included) do find it bizarre that you don't like your husband seeing you naked. How on earth did you conceive your child without him seeing part of your naked body? Have you only ever had sex in a dark room after having a shower?

As a woman who's been through labour, in my personal experience, my husband seeing my naked body was the absolute least of my worries. I think my husband would've been absolutely devastated to have missed the birth of his child. Yes, absolutely your wishes should be paramount, but equally, you must consider his feelings. If he doesn't mind either way then of course, do whatever makes you happy. Admittedly though, I find your reasoning a little selfish. Denying him being at the birth of his own child purely because of your own vanity seems incredibly unfair. [/quote]
I find it bizarre that you are so invested in and want so many details about a woman's sexual habits. Especially since she's a stranger.

I felt the same as you OP . I didnt want my OH's at my births and thankfully they felt the same. At my first birth i shit the bed while pushing my daughter. At the second i was induced and in labour for 4 days. Do what is right for YOU. Good luck ❤

I don't understand the drama on this thread. Her birth, her choice. Maybe tell her husband beforehand what she wants and why, normal communication stuff. If he's missing out, then... he's missing out. It's not about him. I don't know why the OP's motives are being dissected. He will have plenty of time to be involved after the birth, and all of those memories. Missing out on the thing that isn't going to make the OP happy anyway would seem the right thing to do, and if he's a good man, he'll support her decision anyway.

Thanks, @TheHumanRubbishBin.

Ffs. Childbirth is a brutal process that frequently goes wrong and very commonly involves pain, vomiting, shitting and tearing, to say the least. You'd think it would go without saying that the woman gets to decide for herself what sort of environment she would prefer for it and whose presence she would or would not find comforting and helpful. How can anyone who understands this think that what the man wants is more important than what the labouring woman needs? It's an absolutely terrifying mindset that we'd never tolerate for anything like abortion or sex or even what sodding dress to wear.

Thank God the law knows better. Childbirth isn't about male experience or male desires. I can't believe we still need to say it.

Every relationship is different.

My husband took cues from me if I wanted anything from him otherwise he listened to his music/an audiobook etc.

If he was insisting be around all the time that would indeed have been rather annoying which is why my Mum was never in with me and won't be in this time either as she's very anxious and fussy.

It is very much what makes your life easier when in labour. It is a shame for him though as it would be very special for him.

Whatever the case I hope you have a smooth labour.

OP your feelings are the only ones that matter here.

I could easily have given birth without my OH there.
He wasn't much use, and don't think he really wanted to be there.
Having him cut the cord was gruesome, it was of no symbolic significance, and the blunt scissors were soved in his hand before he had time to think.
I think there is a lot to be said for childbirth being a female only space.

I find this thread really weird. A pregnant woman is told that it's her body and her choice when it comes to whether she wants to have the baby or not, and that is the case legally up to 24 weeks (and according to some that should be the case right up to birth).

Also, there will be situations where the father of the baby is abusive, should the pregnant mum have no right to say she doesn't want him there in that situation?

Surely the woman giving birth should have the right to say if she doesn't want the father to be in the room with her? And to choose whether she wants to have anyone with her?

You do what YOU are comfortable with. You're the one in pain, the only doing all the work.

My DH was so annoying. I didn't particularly want him there but he was keen. He was useless at best down right annoying at worst. Second time I only allowed him in as it was a c section. Until I was taken to theatre he wasn't allowed near me.

When your pushing out an 8 pound or however much the baby weighs you don't care who is around you trust me. I didn't care who saw what in the end I just wanted the baby out. If your husband wants to be there and you won't let him it would be a shame and it might change the dynamics in the relationship. I know it's your body but it's also your husbands baby.

@ShebaShimmyShake Great post!

Yeah I don't know where to begin with your posts, @Malbecblooms. They're fucked up. I just hope you don't spout this absolute nonsense to any DD you might have.

Yes, absolutely your wishes should be paramount, but equally, you must consider his feelings.

No, if her wishes are paramount then she doesn't have to consider anyone else's feelings. There is literally no "must", except for what will make her birth experience as smooth and stress-free as possible. She absolutely does not have to worry about what the man wants. Stop trying to doublespeak your way out of it. You and everyone else who's doing this dishonest "oh of course your choice is all that matters, but it's about him" bullshit. Too many to count.

my husband seeing my naked body was the absolute least of my worries.

I'm glad that was the case for you mrsmummy1111 but for me, it was a distraction I didn't need. I was concerned about how I looked in labour- swollen, bruised, bloodied, shit on me and torn. I didn't want him seeing that. And being concerned that he was seeing it distracted me from the job I was doing.

@ShebaShimmyShake but haven't you heard? It's an immense privilege to give birth!

Be grateful and stop complaining.

My husband was at the birth but I asked him to leave the room on many many occasions.

You are on total control of what happens at the birth.

angelofthelight

I very definitely cared who was around me. I was exhausted, delirious, losing consciousness but I still cared who was in the room and what they were doing. You may not have, fair enough, but others do.

With all due respect @ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble I haven't asked what positions she likes or where her favourite part of the house is to do it in. In which part of my post have I asked for "so many details?"

OP already said "Seeing me naked when having sex on a bed in a dark room after I’ve had a shower etc is very different to stark hospital light when I’m giving birth." And I personally find it prudish and restricting to suggest you'll only have sex with all the lights off after having a shower. If you don't want all the details then why are you even reading the thread replies??

OP, I understand you. I worried about similar things before birth and felt awkward about the idea of my DH watching me do that. As you say, all the gross stuff that birth involves. And I simply thought I’d generally feel embarrassed at birth and want minimum audience. However, at the birth I didn’t surprisingly feel embarrassed or awkward about anything. My DH was there, I never seriously considered otherwise despite how I felt. However, I’m not sure I’d need him there for second time. He’d likely attend but I’d feel I could manage just was well without him. Possibly could even be more focused that way.

Your birth, OP, your rules.

100%

I'm sad you feel this way but it should be your choice.

Oh my goodness, cannot believe some of the comments about the fathers right to be present! That’s from the same school of thought as the husbands right to his marital pleasures and it is absolutely NOT OK.

That said, my DH was present for the births of both of our sons (DS2 was stillborn and it was arguably even more important that he was there for that). He was not there because I thought he’d be any use to me, but because I wanted him to see his babies, who we made together, born. I also wanted him to know exactly what I went through to get them here. He wasn’t allowed to be there when DSD was born and I think he regrets that even more now that he’s seen his sons born.
There will be few women who can honestly say they gave a shit who was or wasn’t there when they were at the business end of childbirth. It’s the anxiety or stress unwanted parties could cause during the labour itself that’s the problem and IMHO the woman giving birth is the most important person to consider.
Any man who tried to impose himself at that time, husband/father or not, is an insufferable arsehole.

And all you people banging on about how it's "his baby too"...so, he's got the rest of his life to actually be a father. There will be plenty of nappies and sicked up milk if he wants to experience the primal and visceral stuff. Childbirth is not a baby, it's the process by which you get a baby. The fact that he fathered the child means less than bugger all in terms of what environment and whose presence, if any, the mother wants while she goes through that brutal process.

Ugh. I can't stand it. Once more for those on the gas and air: childbirth is not about men.

You are absolutely within reason to be on your own. I was on my own and the baby's father was nearby. When I felt comfortable I asked him to come. He was at a nearby cafe waiting for the call.