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Original poster

To not want husband there when I give birth?

999 replies

potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:00

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

OP posts:
areallthenamesusedup · 10/08/2020 18:50

Listened to interview with very famous French gyne chap. Can't remember his name but he was the one who started the trend for dimmed lights and silence when doing c-sections etc etc.

Anyway, he was very frustrated at the number of couples who felt both had to be there, and how often he felt the presence of husband held some women back. He said he often used to make up pretend tasks for a husband to do (eg...your wife needs a fresh orange now!, go and find one) and lo and behold....wife delivered baby in his absence as she could properly "let go".
He (and I) are not saying there is no place for men in delivery room....just that each couple should do what is right for them, and forget what anyone else thinks.

Spicedgingerbreadlatte83 · 10/08/2020 19:01

I’m with you on the being ill/injured and not wanting to be surrounded by people- it just makes me feel 10 times worse with all the fussing. I did however have my husband with me when I gave birth and I was adamant I just wanted it to be him there. Unfortunately I was in labour for a few days and utterly bored shitless so my mum came in for some of the time and my dad even popped in to visit/check I was still alive etc. After the first few hours I couldn’t have cared less who saw what to be honest and if you’d have asked me beforehand I would have been horrified at the thought of an audience. There I was floating around the pool 😂 oh and I didn’t scream either I didn’t feel like it helped, no vomit and who knows if I pooed or not because by that time I was in theatre with a sheet in the way.
You do you 😘

Monkeynuts18 · 10/08/2020 19:10

I find it very bizarre to think that in the space of just over half a century we’ve gone from not allowing fathers to be present at all when a woman gives birth to having an actual debate over whether a woman should even be able to refuse to have the father present.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/08/2020 19:12

Progress huh Hmm

Flatwhite32 · 10/08/2020 19:15

@potatoesandonions sometimes you do lose the ability to speak for yourself/be rational. I was in so much pain with induction contractions it was DH who got me pain relief, as I just couldn't get my point across. He was also the one who ran to get a midwife when I knew my DD was coming (she arrived a lot quicker than expected). There was no way I could have got the attention of someone so quickly. Of course it's absolutely your decision, but just be aware that you may not be always able to get your point across in the midst of labour! If you don't mind that though then stick to what you're comfortable with.

sugarfreemint · 10/08/2020 19:17

@Monkeynuts18 I agree and well either way it’s about denying choice to women or letting them make their own decisions. Before it was ‘nope you are not allowed your husband with you even if you desperately want him there’ and now like you say many are arguing that women shouldn’t be able to not have him there. Just goes to show how much women having choice will always be fought

NiceGerbil · 10/08/2020 19:17

She has said that she knows he wouldn't do that stuff.

Mine certainly didn't. Not all men are like that.

I would have preferred to be on my own tbh as he was useless and looked so ill that everyone was asking if he was alright including in the theatre when they were trying to get the spinal block in etc Hmm

Malbecblooms · 10/08/2020 19:17

your thinking is very bizarre, @Malbecblooms, could you talk us through your reasoning?

How so? It's his baby. I genuinely an baffled that anyone cannot see this.

Yes the woman carries it and gives birth. What an immensely privilege to do so. A father has every right to be there. You can't run men down for not stepping up but also say their feelings don't matter.

I don't see the complexity???? You can't say at this moment I call all the shots but later on I don't want all the rights and responsibilities.

I'm really cross that the same women (theoretically speaking) that say men should do everything for their child say a woman has a right to deny them being at the birth of their child.

Childbirth is a completely natural thing. Being embarrassed about it and denying someone else something huge because of that is incomprehensible.

bananacone · 10/08/2020 19:19

@Malbecblooms well thankfully the law supports that the woman has choice and actually men have zero rights to be present..

Pandacub7 · 10/08/2020 19:20

You’re having his baby. I’m pretty sure he won’t care if you’re naked, sweating and pulling unattractive faces. He’ll just want to make sure you are safe and offer his support. Has he seen you naked and without makeup in daylight? If yes then I think you’re just over thinking things. Maybe talk to him beforehand about what to expect during childbirth x

bananacone · 10/08/2020 19:23

Also most hospitals won’t let the father be present in theatre if the mother is having a c-section under general. It’s seen that because she’s out of it there’s no need for a birth partner to be present because the birth partners role is supporting the woman and he is no longer needed. Are hospitals cruel to ‘deny’ men in this situation the ‘right’ to see their child be born?

Phillymouse · 10/08/2020 19:23

No vomit screaming swearing here ether, although I did do a little nugget poo at the end, they just lifted it out with a sieve and never mentioned it. It was my husband who mentioned it only when I asked later on.

One born every minute has a lot to answer for lol

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/08/2020 19:24

A father has every right to be there.

No he absolutely has not. This literally means we should be able to force women to have men there when they don't want to and women's wants don't matter. Stop it, it's horrifying.

newnamesameold · 10/08/2020 19:24

@potatoesandonions why are you getting stressed about something that you should be discussing with your partner as a matter of course? If youve discussed it and cant come to some agreement then you still don't need to get stressed because ultimately it is your decision as the primary person in the labour room.

GoosetheCat · 10/08/2020 19:26

Is this something you've spoke to your OH about yet @potatoesandonions? With the way this thread has gone maybe you need to step away from the criticism this thread has caused you and have a chat with him if you haven't already to explain your worries.

At the end of the day, every woman is different. Tbh, when I was giving birth I really didn't care who was in the room, I was so tired. My OH was amazing and I was so glad he was there, but I understand this was very much my choice.

It is your choice, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing what is best for you. You may change your mind and decide you want OH there after all, but again let it be your choice.

For now relax and put your feet up Flowers

40andginger · 10/08/2020 19:30

He might not even want to be there! I'm sure a number of men would happily pass on that part
Like another poster said he probably knows u won't want him there but you need to have the conversation obviously
Also I expected the worst birth ever and it wasn't at all

I just think of he wants to be there then it's his child also and both of u need to discuss your feeling's
U can probably come to some sort of arrangement
Some women/babies die during childbirth not to put a morbid spin on things! wouldn't u want him there

pickingdaisies · 10/08/2020 19:31

Wow OP, you must be doing something right, you are now a "handful"! Congratulations. Still your body, still your choice.
I don't have your body issues, so I put up with having my DH there. Would have been better for me if he wasn't there tbh. He had a Wonderful Experience. The only thing I remember saying is, "Turn that bloody music off!" (He thought that Beethoven's Pastoral would add to the experience. It didn't. Still can't listen to it. Was satisfying to see the nurse try and fail to hide a grin, though, it was probably getting on her nerves too).
I'm shocked that the option to have your partner present at the birth has become an expectation that you will be judged on. Women's rights are being eroded everywhere you look.

LittleMissTeacup · 10/08/2020 19:32

@areallthenamesusedup - that’s really interesting, please could you let me know if you remember the name? I’d like to hear this.

Also, to the OP - it’s totally your decision, whatever your reasons. Don’t be pushed into something you don’t want to do.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/08/2020 19:35

I'm really, really sickened by the number of people, male and female, who think men have a "right" over what women want regarding childbirth, of all things. Who think women have some kind of moral obligation to make their birth experience more stressful and unhappy to please men. Presumably none of you think women are obliged to have sex with men if they don't want to or wear clothes they hate because men like it, and yet childbirth, when women really really need to have the best environment possible for their wellbeing, is actually all about men and what they want. A man who can't "bond" with his own child or be a good parent unless he watched them actually being born has no business becoming a father; it's not about "his experience", for fuck's sake, it's the ultimate thing that is absolutely not about the men.

Let's not even think about cases where the father is abusive. Though I've seen those threads on here, women petrified because they really think they don't have a perfect and inherent right to decide who or what they would find most comforting and helpful while they go through a process that killed one woman in three not so very long ago.

VinylDetective · 10/08/2020 19:37

[quote LittleMissTeacup]@areallthenamesusedup - that’s really interesting, please could you let me know if you remember the name? I’d like to hear this.

Also, to the OP - it’s totally your decision, whatever your reasons. Don’t be pushed into something you don’t want to do.[/quote]
It could be Lamaze.

notacooldad · 10/08/2020 19:39

A father has every right to be there
Absolutely not!

balloonsintrees · 10/08/2020 19:40

Two c sections, husband not there for either, he was waiting in the room.
Second birth I was totally on my own and had nice chat with the anaesthetist (until I started to haemorrhage which was a bit of a problem...!)

Lady1576 · 10/08/2020 19:40

I felt similar to you before the birth OP. I also prefer to hide somewhere quietly when in pain. Isn’t that a natural human instinct? I was also worried that dh wouldn’t be useful. He wanted to be there, so I just put it out of my mind. For the early labour bit, I actually went and hid in the toilets for each contraction because of the hiding instinct Grin but when active labour started it was so quick that dh was actually quite useful as the midwife had her hands full getting everything sorted. We still have some banter about how undignified it was but we all got through it and it’s not that big a deal at the end of the day. You never know, you could end up giving birth in the hospital car park!

TheHumanRubbishBin · 10/08/2020 19:42

Well said, @shebashimmyshake.

TBH, I think a lot of women would be better off not having their husbands with them. When I was in midwifery it was very rare that a husband/boyfriend ended up being properly supportive and helpful. Mostly they were just useless, sometimes they really hampered the whole process.

@potatoesandonions - Do whatever it is you feel you need to do.Your wishes are paramount. Good luck.

wrigglewriggles · 10/08/2020 19:44

Do whatever feels right for you. But talk it through with your husband so he knows where you are coming from. Maybe he can be waiting outside so still gets to see new born baby just not the arrival!
I've had three kids and my partner wasn't there/ in the room for any of them.
First child - he had flown home to see family and didn't listen when I told him babies can arrive early! I had a good friend with me throughout the birth.
Second child - he took me to the hospital, waited till was checked in then went home (10 mins away) with child number one until baby was born.
Third child - he and both children waited in the hospital while I gave birth as we knew it was going to be a quick one! They were let back in while I was still in the birthing pool.

Personally, I enjoyed the last two births far more than the first as I could just concentrate on what I needed to do. I felt supported by the midwife who stayed with me throughout and pretty much let me get on with things.
Had there been any complications then maybe I would view this differently and why I suggest having him close by just in case he's needed or you change your mind.