To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

OP, can't believe all the comments you are getting here! I felt exactly the way you do, but I was very young and didn't question the expectation that DH would be at the birth. If I had been a bit older and more confident I absolutely would have said I'd rather he wasn't in the room. Him being there didn't ruin anything but I felt uncomfortable about the state he had seen me in for a long time afterwards. It was not magical, there was vomiting, blood and worse and I would rather have dealt with it by myself or with medical professionals. You are not odd, do what you think will make you more able to relax.

@potatoesandonions

I have responded to the ‘naked’ point so many times.

It isn’t just about being actually literally naked. It’s about being in a state of undress and about poo, vomit, sweat.

I did get sick from the pain, luckily mostly before I was admitted. Only once in the delivery room.

I did poo. Shit literally happens sometimes.

My waters broke during my epidural and I freaked out I peed myself.

I sweat... A LOT.

I didn't scream or screech or swear, but I did cry once.

OH missed a lot of these things as he was out getting himself food, or home checking on the dogs. It was a pretty long labour.

When things turned shit he did fuck all because he didn't know what to do. Why would he? Considering they didn't ask me for consent, I seriously doubt they asked him. When baby was in distress and things were seriously shit he just wanted both of us safe, he wasn't going to argue with the doctors. Tbh , mum would've been useful as she would've insisted on a csection hours before, but she's a midwife.

Then he thought I'm dying because the doctor dropped the placenta on the floor and he just saw all this blood everywhere. That was quite funny, as he turned green and nearly fainted.

I mostly read, texted people and got on with it in my own way.

Can't say him being there made any kind of difference for better or worse.

Sometimes you have to look past your own insecurities for the feelings of others. Isn’t that part of what a relationship is about? This baby is half his and if he wants to be there for the birth it seems a bit harsh to forbid it.
What about if you labour alone then when the baby is being born, have him come in? That seems like the best compromise on the issue

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble no, the way she talks to people makes her sound like a handful

I believe it is absolutely your right to choose who you want in the room during labour.

However I gave birth during lockdown, and the weeks leading up to it there was talk of banning partners from the birth and I was devastated so I can't relate to your feelings of not wanting him there. I was sad for my husband, not me... i had no doubt I would be well looked after but I felt so bad for my husband thinking he might be denied being there for the birth of his child. Luckily this didn't happen. He is my partner in life, my absolute best friend and I cant imagine not wanting him there. We laugh about the indignity of it all now that it's over, but that's just the kind of relationship we have! No secrets, absolute trust

Sometimes you have to look past your own insecurities for the feelings of others.

Labour is not one of those times. Nobody should have to put 'the feelings of others' first when she's going through transition.

Agree with secretllama it’s one of the biggest experiences of your life & you need the person you most trust in the world there.

I think it’s terribly sad for your DH to be denied seeing the birth of his first child, and relegated to being the taxi service to/from hospital. My DH still talks of the wonderful, emotional moment when our DC was born and he wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

I’d suggest you discuss your decision at length with your DH - it’s his child too. Forget poo & vomit - I did neither as did many other women, nakedness is not necessary (a woman on One Born Every Minute a few years ago bought a birthing swimsuit from the U.S because she was self-conscious), and remember just as Birth Plans go awry, so you might feel the same when you are in the throes of pain and there is no staff free to offer you any degree of comfort or to be your advocate if you are delirious with pain.

Talk with your DH, tell him what you would like, ask him what he would like, and try and reach a compromise that makes you both happy.

It’s up to you, I don’t think many people would chose to not have their other half there but it probably does happen.
For me, I’m glad that I had my DP and my mum there as I was so out of it on pain killers that I needed someone to respond even to basic questions for me. I ended up in an emergency c section to again having DP there was good as it was someone to come into surgery with me.
Have you thought about maybe having him wait outside the room and take it from there? I guess by you asking this that this is your first baby so going into the unknown completely alone (as in with people you know) might be something you regret as it’s not always possible for your DH to be there when you might need him. What if something goes wrong with the birth and he’s however far away from the hospital.

Have a chat with your DH and see what he thinks but I think as a minimum, him being in the hospital grounds should be a consideration for you even if he’s not in the room

It’s hard to ‘forget poo and vomit’ as its still very common. There was a midwife on This Morning who said most women poo when pushing and it’s more unusual for it to not happen. I suppose many women just don’t realise they have though and are told they didn’t. Not sure if vomit is as likely but I know lots of people who were sick. They are still factors to take into account when you decide who you want your birth partners to be.

I’m not sure my DH was much help TBH, I had a long Labour with my first and by the end I couldn’t have cared less if he was there or not , I sort of get what you mean OP , I hate a fuss when I’m unwell and prefer to be on my own

OP, you do realise how long labour can be, especially first time round? Mine was 32 hours. I think birth on the telly gives you the impression that you have a midwife there all the time but let me tell you that you're on your own most of the time. Could you really manage 32 hours on your own when you're feeling anxious and vulnerable? What about when you get hungry and need DH to go and get you some food? THe midwives are too busy to do that.

what about if there's an issue like the baby's heart rate dipping and the room fills with serious looking medical staff? You would be OK with not having anyone you love there to even glance at to share the worry with you? When the medical staff are murmuring in a corner it could feel very lonely if you're not with anyone to give your hand a reassuring squeeze.

What about if you have an epidural and can't move off the bed? LIke I say, the midwife will hardly be there.

My second labour was quite fast. I saw a midwife when I arrived at the hospital to check me, then another who saw me to a labour room who said she would bring a replacement gas canister as it was empty but never came back. DH had to go and find her. I literally saw no other member of staff till I needed to push and by that time I wasn't with it enough to press the call button so DH did it. A new midwife came in while I gave birth (didn't take long) adn then left us alone till another one came in to say I needed to go to the suture room where I was left alone on a bed again. Baby was being looked after by DH in the room opposite. I was gone for nearly an hour as they forgot about me and left me lying with my legs in stirrups in the middle of it, they were so short staffed that another woman was giving birth with no member of staff present excpet a new student midwife. I could hear DS crying - thank god DH was there to cuddle him at least.

I don't want to scare you but there is a lot of short staffing in midwifery units and I really hadn't expected it to be that bad. You NEED someone there. It won't be like One Born Every Minute where the midwife seems to be there a lot of the time.

I will say this, it is not during the birth of my children my DH saw me at my worse, it is when I had vomiting and diarrhoea for 3 days, both at the same time, not always able to get to the loo!!!!

I have not RTFT as, to be honest, some of the comments are very insulting to the OP and I was getting quite angry at some of the blinkered views.

I know of fathers who have been at the births of their children and all was great.

I also know of fathers, including my DH, who were not at the births of their children and all was great.

DH did not see either of our DC come into the world but is a marvellous father. He adores both of our children (MOST of the time 😉) he always puts ma and the children first. He was perfectly content doing nappies, baths bedtimes (not feeding - he’s marvellous but lactating is not in his skill set) story time, playtime, homework, school runs whenever he could..... 22 years since our first child was born, she knows that she can always call on dad if she needs anything as dies our DS.

Dads are not essential at the birth and, from what I’ve heard, they can often be a hindrance.....

I think it’s terribly sad for your DH to be denied seeing the birth of his first child, and relegated to being the taxi service to/from hospital. My DH still talks of the wonderful, emotional moment when our DC was born and he wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

But it would still have been a wonderful, emotional moment had he sprinted in from the car park to find out you'd given birth already.

I do know what it's like to miss the birth of your own child. For one of mine I had a c-section under general and I was totally out of it until she was a couple of hours old. (DH missed the birth too but got to meet the baby long before I did.) It wasn't ideal, it wasn't the way I would have preferred things, but it was still pretty magical with the three of us together in the recovery room afterwards.

I absolutely understand why a father would want to be there for the birth. It's really not the end of the world if he isn't, though.

Its not always like you seen on the tv. The room I gave birth in was dark, the lights dim. I was on my knees leaning over the back of the bed, my other half stayed at head end. I was also wearing a top.

I think you should do what you wish. But be prepared to change your mind. I thought I was going to be worried about lots of things. But my body took over and I was just concentrating on giving birth. There could of been a whole football team in the room. I wouldn't of noticed.
If I'm honest I don't remember seeing the midwife. Couldn't tell you what she looked like. She was there the entire time. She was just very discreet.

Talk to him set your boundaries. Such as he stays away from the business end, he listens to you and does not fuss unless you ask. He does as you say or he gets out. You can wear a nightie so other than when it's time to push your covered up even when they do an examination. Discuss it with him now so if you decide his not coming in its not a shock. Personally I would not want to do it without support I mean what if you need a c section? If it's an emergency you could be out of it for a while or if there are complications. You will want him close by where as with covid if his not with you they won't let him in.

I was called a posh pin when I went into labour (I wasn't in the uk) as I had some rules that made me feel happier
I didn't want anyone to look at me when i had a contraction, I wanted to keep my clothes on - everyone went with it even my husband, he just sat back waiting for when I needed him.
I didn't take my bottoms off right till the last moment (infact they broke my waters then I put my undies back on)
Apparently I did poo during pushing but my husband didn't see, I didn't know and I was cleaned up within seconds by my lovely midwife - I didn't speak during my labour but I was so happy to look at my husband - and share the moment our child came into the world - I wish you the best for you and your family x

Posh Pom

@FortniteBoysMum the thing is, there's another thread going about a woman who did set rules and boundaries and the partner agreed to them. Then during labour both him and the doctor ignored those boundaries, even when she said know.

That poor woman got similar vile replies that she's selfish,horrible, she can't expect him not to look, he can't help himself, he "put up" with watching her in labour so it's his right to look and so on.

OP, do you have tokophobia?

Your body, your choice @potatoesandonions and tbh, that should be the end of it.

My personal opinion was that I didn’t want to give birth without my partner there. I was very upset he might not get there in time with DS3 (spoiler alert: he did ) and I was SO annoyed with the lovely volunteer who came to keep my company before he arrived. Annoyed for no reason than she was holding my hand and I didn’t want her to.

Similarly, my feelings about the rest of it are immaterial. It’s not my body.

PS my first birth was highly medicalised twin birth with epidural close to a theatre in case I needed a section. I didn’t in the end. My third was in the midwife led unit, just me, midwife and husband in a cool dim room. I wasn’t naked in either - first I had a gown on and the third I had my vest top and bra that I’d arrived on. Please try to let go some of your feelings about the indignities of birth - I promise you, I really truly promise you, it will only be yourself you upset

Good luck!

Honestly op... I had my night dress on the entire time during labour and dh had strict instructions to stay by my head...
First labours can go on for hours and hours and it's nice to have someone there that you can send for Drinks or chocolate.

Wow, so much drama on this thread. My guess is, that the OP DH probably (hopefully) knows and loves his wife well enough to already to know she would not want him there for the birth? If she doesn't feel comfortable being naked in front of him in the light, he must know she isn't going to want him seeing her in all her glory giving birth? Mountain and mole hill come to mind....