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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want husband there when I give birth?

999 replies

potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:00

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 10/08/2020 17:30

There is no point telling the OP that she doesn't have to be naked, she's been told this about 300 times already, and she hasn't responded to this point at all, so clearly she isn't interested.

newmum332 · 10/08/2020 17:30

I think it’s a bit odd to be having a child with someone who you are uncomfortable seeing you naked. Also think it’s slightly unfair on him to not allow him there for probably the most special moment of his life, becoming a father. Seems strange to want to exclude him from this.

If you’re bothered about him annoying you, I’m sure you’d be able to brief him beforehand on what you’re happy with and what you’re not happy with him doing

GoldenOmber · 10/08/2020 17:30

You either want more rights and thus more responsibility or it's all equal.

Feel free to do 50% of the labouring, and you’ll get 50% of say about what happens during it.

TheoneandObi · 10/08/2020 17:33

Don't recall being naked for birth. Even in the bath I had a t shirt on. I felt more comfortable like that.
The big advantage of having your husband with you is that he is your advocate and 'witness'. You may not remember everything. He will help in the re telling of the tale. I wasn't aware with my secind birth that things had gotten a bit dicey. In the fullness of time my husband was able to tell me. It's good too to have him around in case baby gets whisked off for any reason. He can stay and hold your hand, or hot foot it alongside baby. You can lay down rules about him not looking too closely at the business end of birth. I get you there... I thought it might put DH off sex for life. It didn't. But I get that worry totally.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/08/2020 17:34

I'm not liking the emotional blackmail of if you don't let the man have his way with the birth you don't deserve any help from him with the baby.

Birth is 100% about the mother

sitckmansladylove · 10/08/2020 17:34

I'm a full believer in its your body your choice. I can totally understand. I wore a nightie (I don't know why you have to be naked) and dh didn't look. Ended up having a c section both times in the end (emergency) so I don't know how it would pan out. Also had a hard labour but didnt notice who was in the room and I didn't scream or anything (if I did I don't remember Grin ).

ChanklyBore · 10/08/2020 17:34

There is a lot of “this is how it was for me, therefore that’s just how it is” on this thread.

Births are different. For example, I gave birth in a room that didn’t have a bed in it. My midwives were with me throughout, when one went to the loo the other was still there. I have never had anything to eat or drink whilst in labour. Just some examples. I don’t apply them to everyone else’s’ experiences.

Nobody asks relatives to decide who lives or dies. That’s Hollywood.

OP you can have whoever you want there. When my DC2 and DC3 was born DH was looking after the older ones so that gave him something to do, he could still be there and present but had a job to keep him busy. Popping in and out to check on me and how it was going and if there was anything needed. I vastly preferred that to dc1 when he had nothing else to do.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 10/08/2020 17:36

If she doesn't want him there, she doesn't have to have him there. Why is this so difficult for people to grasp? Confused

Bookriddle · 10/08/2020 17:37

I was with my wife when she gave birth, it was the most emotional thing i have been through, i would of been very upset if my wife didnt want me in there with her!

newmumma43 · 10/08/2020 17:37

YABU and you sound like a handful.,

Shouldbedancingyeah · 10/08/2020 17:38

Ultimately it’s your choice however I would really consider how it might make him feel missing the birth of his baby. Of course your feelings come first but I do think consideration of how you might feel if you were him is important and to also have a chat with him about it.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/08/2020 17:39

Surely birthing alone is pretty normal with second and subsequent children due to dad needing to look after the firstborn, especially if you don't have family nearby. If I have a second child I'll most likely be on my own.

PanamaPattie · 10/08/2020 17:43

What a horrible thread. Poor OP.

Notredamn · 10/08/2020 17:43

Your thinking is very bizarre, @Malbecblooms, could you talk us through your reasoning?

3rdNamechange · 10/08/2020 17:45

You're not odd. I'm an ex midwife and I think it's sensible. I've seen men be useless in the delivery room and definitely putting women off.
You don't have to be naked if you say naked to be.
As for being an advocate , if there's an emergency your husband may be too panicked to make a decision so that's not a reason.

Definitely go for it if you want to.
Good luck.

Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 17:46

I have responded to the ‘naked’ point so many times.

It isn’t just about being actually literally naked. It’s about being in a state of undress and about poo, vomit, sweat.

OP posts:
Notredamn · 10/08/2020 17:47

Boo hoo, @Bookriddle

A handful, @newmumma43

🤣 trolls out in force.

Redcups64 · 10/08/2020 17:47

Do it, but I think you will regret it. A nurse won’t be at your beck and call like somebody you bring along with you. The nurses and doctors are there to help deliver a baby, not pass you that wet flannel, or hand you a drink every 5 seconds like you will need! I would have someone, anyone there just for those reasons!

It’s also sad your denying your husband the best part and knowing when his child is coming into the world. Instead of being called two hours later to say the baby is here, that’s what should happen to the rest of the family, not the parent of the child!

Yabu

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 10/08/2020 17:47

@newmumma43

YABU and you sound like a handful.,
Ah yes, a woman that knows her needs and boundaries is a handful or difficult. Hmm
Oswin · 10/08/2020 17:47

The fact is if op is relaxed and comfortable the labour is likely to be easier. Yet you fucking lot would have her endure more pain to make a man happy.

Its fucking gross.

Russell19 · 10/08/2020 17:49

@potatoesandonions I really feel for you and don't like the name calling so hope you are ok. However, you have posted on AIBU which is pretty brutal. You could have posted in childbirth and had more toned down replies. On the whole though I think the replies would have followed a similar tone. Just so you know, I had a baby last year and at no point was I naked. I had a hospital gown on and felt quite covered most of the time. Please don't let those worries bother you. I do get the sweating, in pain thing though, but surely your husband has seen that before and it's not going to bother him in the slightest. Would it upset him if he missesd the birth?

lemmein · 10/08/2020 17:52

Haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to add, I'm very like how you describe OP - if there's something wrong, either physical or emotional, I prefer to be left alone. I'm very introverted, and I find other people really struggle with this. I had my partner at both my births, but like another poster said, if I could've been completely alone I would have. I am definitely the sort of person that would retreat to a restaurant toilet to choke to death rather than get help! Blush

That being said, I didn't find labour too bad. I was lucky to have two fairly smooth births. I was covered in a long nightie and didn't feel exposed at all. I didn't scream, and although I was in pain, it was manageable. I've no idea if I did a poo during the births - having a baby feels like you're doing a massive poo anyway so how would I know? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Pregnancy brings with it a whole heap of anxieties - its unpredictable and that can make you feel vulnerable, but try to not over-think it, keep an open mind. I had my eldest just after midnight in a dimly lit room; I didn't ask them to dim the lights, they just did - I didn't even realise that till I read your concerns about bright hospital lights. Whatever you're imagining and worrying about is unlikely to be an issue on the day - but, the most important thing is you're comfortable, however you get there is up to you.

For the record, I don't think you're odd, or your thinking is bizarre - but that could be because I am odd Grin

something2say · 10/08/2020 17:52

I was once shocked and hurt by two male colleagues saying they dearly wished theyd not been there for the births they'd witnessed.

I also had an elderly friend when I was 19 who'd been a nurse all her life. Five children. She told me 'birthing is a woman's business.'

Me? I chose not to have kids at all, partly to avoid going through childbirth.

OP, you do it how it works for your family. Itll not be the end of the world if he's not in there with you, but it may well be the end of your worrying about it xxxxxxx

PicsInRed · 10/08/2020 17:52

Research has shown that the presence of men increases stress hormones in women and also that stress hormones can slow labour and potentially lead to more medical interventions.

Perhaps this was known in olden times and this is why female birthing attendants were preferred.

OP, prioritise your safety and the safe delivery of your child. Disregard a (in the history of humankind) very fleeting fashion to men to watch and spectate birth by expectation rather than genuine invitation.

YANBU.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 10/08/2020 17:54

I gave birth to DD without her dad in the room, I didn't want him there and he's squeamish anyway so he would have been no help at all. I manged fine and didn't lose my ability to communicate at all, so didn't need an advocate, which I'm sure will disappoint many on here.