To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

@BiscoffBoy

I'm a father of 2 amazing DC and at times I can be stupid, thoughtless and a monumental pain in the backside (probably all three during the birth of my DC!). I have a pretty dull job, that pays the bills but probably doesn't add much value to the world.

My life had never felt more meaningful than when I watched my amazing DW bring our DC into the world. I don't have a great memory but those experiences have been vividly etched onto my brain forever, and I often find myself replaying those moments whilst watching DC play.

I have absolute respect for the unimaginable difficulties and pain women go through, not just during birth but throughout pregnancy. That can never be overstated and your wishes and wants are of the highest priority.

Although I would respect my DW wished, I would have been secretly devastated not to be there at their births. And if having me present put my DW through a lot more pain than she needed to, I know she would've endured that extra pain to allow me that experience.

I hope you talk this through with your OH and if he is truly genuinely not bothered at being present then that's fine. However, if he's as excited and devoted as you say he probably will want to be there. And so I would ask, on his behalf, and from a completely selfish perspective for you to compromise or endure that bit more. Your sacrifice would gift him an experience he would never forgot. But that's just my two cents...

Fucking hell. You would be happy for your wife to endure extra pain and stress for you. Utterly selfish. Jesus christ.

@Oswin

*Fucking hell. You would be happy for your wife to endure extra pain and stress for you. Utterly selfish. Jesus christ.
*
That's all you got from his eloquent post?
Someone has issues and it's certainly not that poster......

It was a disgusting post. Many picked up on it.

It is biologically and historically abnormal to have men at a birth. And it is your body. And stress hormones interfere with labour, so having people you don't want there can cause issues.

So of course YANBU to not want him there, even if others in this culture have come to see it as normal.

YANBU OP.

It's up to you. Your wants - and in childbirth, that's exactly the same as 'needs' - are paramount.

Because in order to be in the best headspace to give birth you need to be as unstressed as possible. You need to be able to feel as relaxed and supported as possible. That's in the way that suits you - it doesn't mean having to grit your teeth while a well-meaning partner gets to indulge what they want to give as support, and sit there rubbing your back and oohing and aaahing while you're thinking GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE. If that's your headspace when you're in labout - your labour is likely to be harder, longer, and possibly with a greater chance of complications, because you won't be releasing those hormones you need to. Your body will be uptight and you'll be on edge. That's the diametric opposite of the best position to be in to labour safely.

So, it IS about what you want. I lol'd upthread at a comment saying your reasons were 'woolly' - err, so? It's HOW SHE FEELS. It just is. It doesn't for a moment have to justify itself in any logical way. It's not logical.

If you feel you would be more confident and relaxed with the support but also emotional distance provided by just having medical staff there, that's fine. I felt very similar. It just is a primal thing. You don't need to explain it or have a 'reason' why you feel that way.

It is kind of bad luck for your H is he sees it as an 'experience' for him to have or not have - but tbh I've little sympathy for that outlook anyway. It isn't about him - not one bit. His job is to support you in getting the baby here safe, and it's a damn sight easier a job, as the other parent, than doing the labour and birth bit. So, his role is to be where you wish him to be. No more. If he puts his own feelings before that, he's a twat. Simple as.

If you do have a 'duty' - it's to create the best possible environment where you're most confident you'll be relaxed enough to handle labour well.

[quote ivfdreaming]@Oswin

*Fucking hell. You would be happy for your wife to endure extra pain and stress for you. Utterly selfish. Jesus christ.
*
That's all you got from his eloquent post?
Someone has issues and it's certainly not that poster......

[/quote]
You make a good point. We shouldn't forget that he also expects another woman, a complete stranger to pander and suffer/put up with more .

I agree it isn't biologically normal for the male to be present when the female gives birth. Animals have a lot of sense sometimes.

[quote ivfdreaming]@Oswin

*Fucking hell. You would be happy for your wife to endure extra pain and stress for you. Utterly selfish. Jesus christ.
*
That's all you got from his eloquent post?
Someone has issues and it's certainly not that poster......

[/quote]
It wasn't eloquent in the slightest, except for the fact that he made it clear he thought women should suck it up and suffer more if it made men happier. The following "ooh, gotta dive for cover while all these harpies descend on poor harmless little male me" was just nauseating.

The irony is that some of the posters calling OP selfish and awful, are in another thread telling a woman that if she didn't want her partner to see her vagina during childbirth then she shouldn't have had him there because she can't possibly expect him not to look.

Want some ketchup with that hypocrisy?

It is kind of bad luck for your H is he sees it as an 'experience' for him to have or not have - but tbh I've little sympathy for that outlook anyway. It isn't about him - not one bit.

YES.

Thank you foodie

I feel exactly the same.

I haven't read anywhere near everyone else's response. I think I would get very annoyed with my fellow women if I did. @potatoesandonions you dont have to be naked, end of. I wore a maternity nightie for the birth of both of mine, which made the whole process more dignified and enabled me to breastfeed easily.
It's your body, your rules. I get that the thought of being that vulnerable and out of control is terrifying, and if you prefer to be alone then so be it. The mideife with the best will in the world cannot be with you for the whole of the labour, so I quite like having my husband there to chat to, fetch drinks and help afterwards. Why don't you ask that he waits outside so if you need him he will be there?
I was born in the 70's and my dad was not at all welcome in the delivery suite by the midwife. Arguably I am told that the treatment of mothers drastically improved once their partners were there during birth.

Haven't read all the replies (but I did read all your posts OP), your comment about feeling like public property resonates with me. I have felt that way during ivf and my previous (unsuccesful) pregnancies. It's horrible how people treat pregnant women as if they aren't like any other person, isn't it?

If you do decide to do it all alone (or are you ok with your DH in the first stage before it gets hard, that wasn't clear to me?) I advise you to put drink and straws within reach of you, some snacks and a lip cream. The medical staff will leave you alone a lot for the first stage so without someone there to get you stuff you want to make sure you can reach it yourself. I recommend a long nightgown to preserve your dignity, they will hoist it up for examinations and the birth and then put it back down again. You might want to look into if an epidural is a form of pain relief that you might want. It doesn't mess with your head like other options and gives you more of the feeling of control mentally. Having said that, you can't walk around with one and I don't know if that would be a dealbreaker for you.

@potatoesandonions

worra no is the short answer to that.

I don’t like flapping and fussing. I have been called selfish, odd, bizarre, been questioned extensively about breastfeeding and my sex life.

I would prefer it if you didn’t respond, as you just seem to want to bait me. Thank you.

Why did you post in AIBU? You don't want other people's opinions so I'm not sure what you want from this thread 🤷‍♀️

I'm sure when op says she doesn't want him there she means he would be waiting outside or in the waiting area, not completely absent but also not seeing the action. So as soon as baby is born he would be available to hold if op was not able to.
t's entirely up to you whether he is present or not.
My dp was with all of mine but that was my choice, with my last birth my pains were all in my back so I had a tight grip of the bed on both sides and he held the gas and air piece at my mouth and also passed me sips of water in between whilst making sure the hot water bottle was in the right place for me

Hi potatoeandonions im EXACTLY the same and i dont give a hoot who thinks im weird!! I just want to be left alone when in labour apart from medical staff. The thought of people fussing and making anniying comments just stresses me the hell out. I have spent time explaining this to my OH and he is fine with it he knows that its me and not him as i generally want need my space anyway. Think his secretly relieved tbh! You have a right to choose who you want there and tbh it be better for you and ur unborn to be as comfortable as poss for a smoother labour so you do what wrks for you. X

@potatoesandonions I wasn't naked. I had a nightie on. DH missed the first one as the midwives sent him home and ignored me. Baby was born 20 minutes later. And actually now I am grateful as it was easier with him not there. The worst part is all the women in your life pushing you to change your mind! Because surely it's not fair on DH or that I must be so brave or that they think he has made this decision so they will step in... Thanks strange women I have only really said hello to a handful of times and you have just asked me about my pregnancy but if I don't want DH there the. I wouldn't want you there either why can't other women accept other womens choices? Not one friend or family member ever said to me that's cool if that's what you want. It was met with looks of astonishment, confusion and feeling sad for DH.... What happened to women looking out for each other. If that's what you want op then do it. And if you change your mind at any time at all that's fine too! One woman said to me what if you need and Emergency c section... I said well even better if the doctor did it, DH doesn't have a medical degree so wouldn't be too helpful in that scenario either

It's really selfish to deny him being there at the birth of his child. I'm genuinely gobsmacked that anyone would think it was ok to deny a father the chance to see his child being born.

There’s no need to be naked firstly, second it’s his baby Too and he probably wants to see the baby born. Just give him strict instructions on what you don’t want. I think it’s unfair to leave him out if such an important thing.

I’m genuinely gobsmacked there are people who think the needs and wants of the man having some sort of ‘experience’ is more important than the needs and comfort of the actual labouring woman

So until the end of time, mother's get the final say on everything to do with their child because they carried it and gave birth to it????

Until the child comes out of the woman's body, yes, it's HER choice. I'm not sure what you find difficult about that.

[quote Foodiefoodieyemek]@potatoesandonions I wasn't naked. I had a nightie on. DH missed the first one as the midwives sent him home and ignored me. Baby was born 20 minutes later. And actually now I am grateful as it was easier with him not there. The worst part is all the women in your life pushing you to change your mind! Because surely it's not fair on DH or that I must be so brave or that they think he has made this decision so they will step in... Thanks strange women I have only really said hello to a handful of times and you have just asked me about my pregnancy but if I don't want DH there the. I wouldn't want you there either why can't other women accept other womens choices? Not one friend or family member ever said to me that's cool if that's what you want. It was met with looks of astonishment, confusion and feeling sad for DH.... What happened to women looking out for each other. If that's what you want op then do it. And if you change your mind at any time at all that's fine too! One woman said to me what if you need and Emergency c section... I said well even better if the doctor did it, DH doesn't have a medical degree so wouldn't be too helpful in that scenario either [/quote]
Ha! Yes. All I’ve had is judgement this time.

Thankfully I can use Covid as an excuse - Dh can’t be there as well as my private midwife because of hospital restrictions. So that’s what I’ve started to tell people. Because GOD FORBID I would have my own feelings and preferences over who is with me.

It’s my choice who is there. But people love to let their own feelings and judgments get in the way - just like every other part of life.

Are you meaning you don't want your husband but you want someone else - many women have someone else with them (either because they feel more comfortable with that other person or because they know the other person will be a better support to them

Or do you mean noone at all with you - that is a lot more unusual and I would suggest you have someone with you

It's really selfish to deny him being there at the birth of his child.

If there’s ONE time in your life you should get to put your own self and your own feelings and your own comfort first, it should be when you’re going through labour.

Yes her husband has feelings too. It’s sad if their preferences don’t match up here. But if they don’t match up, then obviously the person who gets final say is the one giving birth. Fucking hell, what kind of husband would say “I appreciate all you’ll be going through to being our child into the world but I really want you to think of me before your own selfish self”?

*It is kind of bad luck for your H is he sees it as an 'experience' for him to have or not have - but tbh I've little sympathy for that outlook anyway. It isn't about him - not one bit.

YES.*

The child is half his. It is about him. Women want it all roads. Oh my husband doesn't do enough, he doesn't feed the baby, put it to bed, etc. He's not pulling his weight and shouldering half of the responsibility. Everyone trots along to say silly man isn't responsible for a child that is half his.

Deny the guy the right to see his child born and all the sodding pro women, it's our baby we have the right to what we like brigade come matching out.

You either want more rights and thus more responsibility or it's all equal.