To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

@Lucky2Be I've observed your goadyfuckery elsewhere. I was waiting for you to crop up. Predictable.

Well isn't your wife a saintly martyr, Boy. Goodbye.

Giving birth is a medical process, not a spectators sport. Anyone that thinks a woman 'should' put her feelings aside so her partner can be in the room needs a slap. The day that a man has to push a baby out of his genitals, or have major abdominal surgery to give birth, is the day that he gets to choose who is in the room.

I feel the same as you op. I have a chronic illness and my partner tends to try and be helpful when I'm tired and in pain and I find it so irritating. He has learnt over the years to just leave me alone though.

I would have been quite happy to have no one in the room with me, but I agreed to have my husband as long as he agreed to just be quiet and leave me alone unless I specifically asked for him. Which he did. He sat near my head, he kept quiet and didn't try to touch me. He didn't watch me actually push the girls out.

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. You may change your mind when the time comes, you may not. But you should do whatever works for you. You could get your husband to wait outside the room, and if you did decide you wanted him there, he wouldn't be far away

[quote Foodiefoodieyemek]**@BiscoffBoy that's actually really selfish of you. Ask her to endure more pain for you and you knew she would. Surely if you loved her you wouldn't want her to endure that. Some men are just dicks of the highest order[/quote]
I came on to say the same thing @Foodiefoodieyemek

@BiscoffBoy I wonder how you would feel about your DW witness you having a really intimate medical procedure such as a colonoscopy or worse. Because that is what birth is, an incredibly intimate and painful medical procedure. Birth is not a 'magical experience' for every women going through it, nor for every man who has witnessed it. You've had all your DC life afterwards to enjoy the genuinely magical stuff. I can't understand why you'd think it's more acceptable for a woman to endure more pain, be it physical or psychological, for the sake of a man.

Although I would respect my DW wished, I would have been secretly devastated not to be there at their births. And if having me present put my DW through a lot more pain than she needed to, I know she would've endured that extra pain to allow me that experience.

That's disgusting. As for asking the OP to endure a bit more to please her husband, I just have no words. How utterly selfish and repulsive.
You are no kind of husband if you are knowingly and willingly asking/allowing your dw to endure more pain or discomfort because of how you feel. Unbelievable!

@BiscoffBoy

I did re-read what I wrote and I never asked DW to endure extra pain I said I would've silently accepted her decision whilst secretly been gutted.

But I know if my DW was balancing it up in her head and she thought I could experience 6/10 discomfort and go through the experience alone or 8/10 discomfort that would give me the most amazing loving experience of both our lives she would.

I can see my opinion isn't welcome here so I'll crawl back under my rock...

I'm glad you're going to stop coming into discussions about childbirth and telling women to accept male behaviour that they don't want. While you're reforming, please also ditch the "ooh I'm just a harmless well-meaning male so overpowered by all these loud women" schtick.

@rainbowstardrops

OP shouldn't have a problem either way. Not wanting him there is not selfish. It is the ops choice who is in the room. His feelings on the matter don't trump the OP just because it's his baby too. It's in HER body and it will be HER giving birth, therefore HER choice.

So until the end of time, mother's get the final say on everything to do with their child because they carried it and gave birth to it????
Jeez. I prefer a partnership where you take each other's thoughts and feelings into consideration. Maybe I'm the odd one

Mothers get final choice about the pregnancy and the way they want to give birth(unless she's putting herself or the baby at risk, and even then certain criteria have to be met before her choices can be overridden).

Simply because they are the ones going through it.

Yes you are the odd one, @rainbowstardrops, because that isn't what was said.

And not only dismissing your own wife's feelings, but now requesting, actually telling another woman she should do the same. DFO

My sister wanted to give birth alone. Her husband was outside and both he and the midwives were under strict instructions that he was not to come in unless something was going wrong or once it was over. She ended up with an emcs after not progressing and had her dp in the theatre with her but up to that point was alone. It was what she wanted.

I had dp there but he was not allowed to stroke me, touch my hair or say anything like "you can do this, keep going, you're doing well etc". In the end he just held my hand and kept saying wow. He also very sternly told the midwife "she said she doesn't want it" after the midwife kept pushing the gas and air at me (horrible stuff made my thirsty as hell).

Do what suits you op. Have DH on standby in the waiting room (if covid allows) so if he is needed they can just go get him.

[quote Notredamn ]@Lucky2Be I've observed your goadyfuckery elsewhere. I was waiting for you to crop up. Predictable.

Well isn't your wife a saintly martyr, Boy. Goodbye. [/quote]
Oh dear, your obsevations are crap as I am a WOMAN. 😆

It's your body, your pain, your choice. You are the one experiencing it. You are the one who needs to be comfortable. Sadly there are too many people on this site who believe men's wants are paramount at all times and should get what they want at the total expense of women.

Good luck and congratulations!

It’s up to you, I couldn’t imagine not having my husband there but that’s me!
I have a friend who felt like you and hired a doula and her husband was with her initially and left but stayed close so he could meet baby fairly soon after birth. She’s done it for both children. He would have stayed but respected her wishes.

@potatoesandonions

Calling me odd is not supportive. I feel comfortable around him, I felt comfortable around my mum and dad, it doesn’t mean I want them there when I’m in agony naked and bleeding. That’s made me feel utter shit. So thanks.

The previous poster did not call you odd, they just said they found the situation odd as in unusual I think. A nerve may have been hit there is there more going on?

wow I could not be in a marriage like that. where you’re only comfortable with a ‘quick flash’ or during sex where he’s on top with the lights off so nothing could be seen and your hang ups would affect your partner being allowed at the birth! what a shame. best of luck with the birth

I’ve not read the full thread but here is my experience.

I’m having my third by section in two weeks and my husband will not be be with me. I’ve had a private midwife through this pregnancy and she will be there instead.

My first baby (with my exh) he was more of a hindrance. Made it all about himself. Useless. He stressed me out more.

Second baby (with now dh) I wanted to be alone. He wanted to be there. Waiting 4 hours for the elective with him moaning as he was tired and wanted coffee, then the section where HE gave permission for a jr dr to give me the spinal which they fucked up so badly I was screaming in pain (don’t ask me how or why they asked his permission and not mine, although I was so wound up by the time I got into theatre I think I was a total mess). Then the moaning in recovery that he was tired again and had to go home and make dinner for my older child was too much.

He realised he was of no help to me.

This time will be better as I’ll have my ‘own’ professional with me who won’t be moaning about coffee. Dh realises that he has the rest of his life to bond with the new baby and that the birth is only a small snapshot.

I know where you are coming from OP.

Birth/pain/medical stuff stresses me out and I cannot be dealing with another person when I’m feeling like that.

Oh dear, @Lucky2Be 😂 I was actually addressing a man there. Paragraphs, you know. I spoke to two people in one post: you and that man who requested the OP to put herself in extra pain for her DH's sake.

That reads like he’s a total wanker - he just reacts to stress differently. By moaning and whinging because he felt out of control. But this time I do not want to have to take those feelings of his into account.

Also no matter how much posters insist OP is horrible or selfish thankfully the LAW supports that it’s her choice and that her husband needs her permission to be there

OH is the crawl in a corner and die. Hates fussing, touching etc. The only times he ended up seeing someone was at my insistence, however he absolutely refused to have me there for procedures,appointments,assessments etc.

It would've made me much happier to be there, it would've eased my anxiety and I could've had full information good or bad straight from the horse's mouth rather than OH who "forgot" or didn't really understand what it was said.

Should he get over himself, bare that little bit more, just put up with it ,stop being selfish etc just cause "my feelings"?

@BiscoffBoy

I'm a father of 2 amazing DC and at times I can be stupid, thoughtless and a monumental pain in the backside (probably all three during the birth of my DC!). I have a pretty dull job, that pays the bills but probably doesn't add much value to the world.

My life had never felt more meaningful than when I watched my amazing DW bring our DC into the world. I don't have a great memory but those experiences have been vividly etched onto my brain forever, and I often find myself replaying those moments whilst watching DC play.

I have absolute respect for the unimaginable difficulties and pain women go through, not just during birth but throughout pregnancy. That can never be overstated and your wishes and wants are of the highest priority.

Although I would respect my DW wished, I would have been secretly devastated not to be there at their births. And if having me present put my DW through a lot more pain than she needed to, I know she would've endured that extra pain to allow me that experience.

I hope you talk this through with your OH and if he is truly genuinely not bothered at being present then that's fine. However, if he's as excited and devoted as you say he probably will want to be there. And so I would ask, on his behalf, and from a completely selfish perspective for you to compromise or endure that bit more. Your sacrifice would gift him an experience he would never forgot. But that's just my two cents...

Alternatively, the OP's OH can compromise and 'sacrifice' his experience. Bonus for him would be this compromise doesn't involve him enduring any pain at all. He won't be able to forget as there will be a baby to remind him.

@potatoesandonions some people find it impossible to accept that it's ok for a woman's needs to trump a man's desire. You see it time and time again in many forms.

You know want you want with this birth. It is your absolute right to do it. You've enough to deal with without adding a situation you know don't want to have to deal with.

Your OH will met his child after he or she is born.

[quote Notredamn ]Oh dear, @Lucky2Be 😂 I was actually addressing a man there. Paragraphs, you know. I spoke to two people in one post: you and that man who requested the OP to put herself in extra pain for her DH's sake.[/quote]
Maybe you should @ then
😆

@whiplashy being naked during sex is a tad bit different to being naked, bleeding, possibly pooing, vomiting and seeing in front of you other half. I wouldn't want my DH seeing me in that light either.... And I didn't have him in the room for any of my births. I can't understand why people keep relating child birth to sex.... It's not even comparable

Your body your choice OP! My friend is just the same. When her contractions started she locked herself in the bathroom as she knew her partner wouldn’t be helpful to her. Everyone is different. Ultimately it is your decision. The birth is just the start of the process & there will be so much more for your partner to be involved in. For the record I also don’t think it’s odd. My mum decided against having my dad at both our labours because she knew he would make things worse. I don’t think he is worried that he missed out on anything!

My ExH actually just sat in the corner and sulked for number 2. Not involved at all.

For no 1 he was no help and told me to stop marking a fuss. The midwife told him off. But he is an areshole.

I @ who I want, @Lucky2Be the other poster said he was leaving the thread, the last thing I wanted to do was bring him back to it, as he isn't welcome.