To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

All that waffle when the two main points are these:

And if having me present put my DW through a lot more pain than she needed to, I know she would've endured that extra pain to allow me that experience.

for you to compromise or endure that bit more

ODFOD. Yes, you are selfish, immature and with the emotional intelligence of a rock.

A man's feelings don't have priority to a woman's pain. To emotionally blackmail one to put up with more pain/discomfort for the benefit of a man is despicable.

I honestly pity your wife. I wonder how many times she put up with "that little bit more" when she didn't have to just to spare your poor,frail feelings.

Hopefully OP's husband is more of a partner than you are.

An entitled man has entered the building to surprise, surprise, impart that women should put their DHs first even if it means more pain 😷😷😷

Thank you becky for your kindness

I did need someone to advocate me during my first labour as I was incapable (pain/exhaustion/drugs) by that stage and the midwives weren't great. DH intervened and all was well.
I have just given birth again totally different this time in every way and my instructions to DH were you'll have to take the judgement if you think its going wrong and I can't express myself. Once again I couldn't advocate for myself but it was because I was too busy dealing with contractions and pushing.
I didn't want any hand holding unless I asked or rubbing my back I just wanted to get on with it. He sat or stood around unless I asked for him when they were sticking needles in me!
If your DH won't be an advocate for you, is there a friend or relative who you would like to be with you incase. If you have great staff it probably wont be needed if you get not great ones a birth partner is essential.

@BiscoffBoy

I'm a father of 2 amazing DC and at times I can be stupid, thoughtless and a monumental pain in the backside (probably all three during the birth of my DC!). I have a pretty dull job, that pays the bills but probably doesn't add much value to the world.

My life had never felt more meaningful than when I watched my amazing DW bring our DC into the world. I don't have a great memory but those experiences have been vividly etched onto my brain forever, and I often find myself replaying those moments whilst watching DC play.

I have absolute respect for the unimaginable difficulties and pain women go through, not just during birth but throughout pregnancy. That can never be overstated and your wishes and wants are of the highest priority.

Although I would respect my DW wished, I would have been secretly devastated not to be there at their births. And if having me present put my DW through a lot more pain than she needed to, I know she would've endured that extra pain to allow me that experience.

I hope you talk this through with your OH and if he is truly genuinely not bothered at being present then that's fine. However, if he's as excited and devoted as you say he probably will want to be there. And so I would ask, on his behalf, and from a completely selfish perspective for you to compromise or endure that bit more. Your sacrifice would gift him an experience he would never forgot. But that's just my two cents...

Seriously re-read that part about enduring extra pain and sacrifice. That's not something to be proud of.

I don’t get why people think birth is some sort of magical experience that all men will enjoy as well.

There was that joke in the sitcom Catastrophe where one of characters warns another bloke not to see the birth of his baby, saying that he can never look at his own wife in the same way after seeing her poo and all the general mess of birth. I read an interview where the writer said that scene was very much influenced by what many real-life men had told him about watching birth. I’d laughed when watching the show but I read that bit I realised it’s actually quite sad and understand why some women don’t want their partner there.

I do think and hope not all men feel that way though!

No, @Hadjab, in this context it was spiteful bordering on bullying. Another poster even told her to rethink as 'loads of women die in childbirth'. Scare tactics to make OP take on board their opinions on how she should birth. Vile.

I have absolute respect for the unimaginable difficulties and pain women go through, not just during birth but throughout pregnancy.

No you clearly haven't.

Dads being there weren't a thing when I had mine, I was absolutely fine on my own, he was squeamish anyway so probably just as well. He was asleep at home and didn't know for 5 hrs I'd given birth. Don't have him there if you don't want him, it's what you want that matters.

You don't have to be naked OP. You can wear a big t shirt. I did or a hospital gown

You dont have to be naked and wont nessacarilly bleed either, think its pretty unfair tbh

Do what it right for you. My husband wasn't at my second birth and it was much easier. But I also get in the zone when I'm in pain so I hardly noticed him during my first - which he realised and just left me to it. He was useful at passing drinks, holding the gas and air thing, getting snacks (not possible in this new COVID world) and doing practical things, but we discussed what I knew worked for me before I went into labour. Maybe it is worth having the conversation about what works for you and what doesn't.

I'm the same as you op. I completely draw into myself when I'm ill and really just want to be left alone.

Dh was at both of my labours but to be honest I barely remember him being there before the birth (they were, to be fair, both fairly short thankfully).

I also don't remember much about the midwives - I was totally in the moment, I didn't even make all that much noise (apparently).

Anyway, it's up to you and if you really don't want him there then that should be up to you. Plenty of men in the past managed to bond with their children perfectly fine without witnessing their birth.

However, you may well find that when it actually happens you don't give a shit and midwives are pretty good at finding pointless things for ineffectual birth partners to do (mine was given the job of making sure I had access to water with ice chips, mainly to give him a job although to be fair he wasn't at all ineffectual, just not in any way my priority).

It's also perfectly reasonable and legitimate in labour to tell anyone who's doing something that you don't want, from your partner to a senior consultant to fuck off.

dh was there when I had ds. tbh he mostly sat on a stool in a corner behind the top of the bed out of eyesight and felt a bit useless, I forgot he was there for most of it, but he was there when I wanted him. Being there when ds was born is something irreplaceably special, I could never have taken that away from him.

The midwives were great. Most of the time I had a light hospital gown loosely on, he was asked if he wanted to/I wanted him to leave during examinations (or when I was wired up and needed to use a bedpan) etc.

Also being there let him realise what I went through during a very long labour and he was so very supportive after it when we got home and I was recovering, going to work then shopping, cooking, cleaning without a single complaint.

OP I would talk to him about what you think you will need, and how you will communicate when you are in labour, that you might need him to back off into the background sometimes, but I couldn't tell him he couldn't be there.

My advice would be to firstly TALK to your DH!!!!! He might be absolutely fine with you not wanting him there for the birth and then you've not got a problem.
If he DOES want to be there for the birth of his child then I personally think it's quite selfish to deny him that. It's his baby too.

OP shouldn't have a problem either way. Not wanting him there is not selfish. It is the ops choice who is in the room. His feelings on the matter don't trump the OP just because it's his baby too. It's in HER body and it will be HER giving birth, therefore HER choice.

It's all about men's wants isn't it :(

YABU You are denying your husband the chance to experience HIS child coming into the world. That's not fair.
I did get naked giving birth, jusy bottom down, so why do you have too? 🤨

I can see where you are coming from, I too want to be left alone whilst in pain or ill. I find bright lights and noise make it worse.

For my first child I had a really good student midwife who spotted this and turned of the strip lights, turned the inspection light on but pointed it at the ceiling to make a gentle uplighter. It made things so much easier for me. I dressed in an oversized t-shirt so I wasn't exposed (I would have a spare so you can change if you need to).

My husband knows well enough from period pain/migraines that leaving me alone is the best option, he says he felt useless but he was there and he accepts that it was best he did nothing and said very little.

2nd time around I put low lighting, noise and touch to be kept to a minimum on my birth plan and then went into labour first thing in the morning and had a lovely birth room with a large window (with opaque glass) so altering the light level wasn't an option. As one midwife handed over to another there was a suggestion that I might like a back massage, the outgoing midwife said "she is not the touchy feely type" and I was left alone.

I was glad my husband was there on both occasions, but he followed instructions to do very little, he got a midwife when things changed and then held the new baby whilst I showered etc. He also passed me a clean t-shirt from the bag when I needed one as I couldn't deal with it at the time.

I would have him there if he wants to be and if he can support you by doing what you ask as you may well not have a midwife with you all the time so having someone who can get help if you need it might be a good idea.

Whenever I watch '24 hours in A & E' and see people constantly stroking their very ill (and very much in pain) relative, I say to my partner "If that's ever me, you know - don't you - I do NOT want stroking!"

I've never given birth, but a good friend's wife famously - during childbirth - got so sick of him in the delivery roon that she shouted "For fuck's sake, Nick, FUCK OFF out of here and leave me the fuck alone with the professionals!"

He told me he was not upset because she was the one who' been in intense pain for quite some considerable time and he was being useless and annoying her.

Some women feel like that - I think it's up to the woman what she wants.

I did re-read what I wrote and I never asked DW to endure extra pain I said I would've silently accepted her decision whilst secretly been gutted.

But I know if my DW was balancing it up in her head and she thought I could experience 6/10 discomfort and go through the experience alone or 8/10 discomfort that would give me the most amazing loving experience of both our lives she would.

I can see my opinion isn't welcome here so I'll crawl back under my rock...

You do whatever you are most comfortable with OP. It's you giving birth, if you want to do it on your own that is entirely your lookout.

However, it's a perfectly reasonable thing for your husband to want to be there, so you do have to be understanding in explaining to him why you would prefer for him to wait outside and hopefully he is a decent enough guy to understand that. As others have pointed out, you also have to be prepared to fight your own battles (potentially) without an advocate. Having someone else there to look out for you on an emotional level is not something to underestimate.

@Lucky2Be

YABU You are denying your husband the chance to experience HIS child coming into the world. That's not fair. I did get naked giving birth, jusy bottom down, so why do you have too? 🤨

It's THEIR child.

Coming out of HER womb, through HER vagina , while SHE is in pain and doing all the work.

So it's HER choice.

OP shouldn't have a problem either way. Not wanting him there is not selfish. It is the ops choice who is in the room. His feelings on the matter don't trump the OP just because it's his baby too. It's in HER body and it will be HER giving birth, therefore HER choice.

So until the end of time, mother's get the final say on everything to do with their child because they carried it and gave birth to it????
Jeez. I prefer a partnership where you take each other's thoughts and feelings into consideration. Maybe I'm the odd one

I rarely respond to posts like this but the OP got such a pasting that I felt I ought to cos there’s such a load of crap on this thread.

OP- first- it’s up to you what your preferences are and if that’s to be alone in labour apart from the professionals that is ok. If you tend to go very quiet and uncommunicative it would be good to have a written birth plan that said as such and in the earlier stages you should be able to communicate that much to the midwives anyway. I’ve looked after women doing full hypnobirthing who declined almost every check and intervention and asked for almost complete silence in their care. As long as baby is ok this is mostly achievable.

With regards to ‘making decisions about the baby or who to save’ this is UTTER bollocks. ‘Next of kin’ does not mean ‘gets to decide who lives and dies’. The rule is: gain consent for treatment from the patient. If unable to do so due to capability or loss of consciousness,
Find out what they would normally want (which is where a birth plan or asking friends and family comes in but it isn’t legally binding) and then treatment is given in the best interest of the patient. Generally unless the person has expressly said so beforehand (such as, I would never accept a blood transfusion even to save my life) the best interest of the patient will be to preserve the life of the woman and the life of the baby. In that order.

This is why a caesarean could be carried out to save a baby without the woman’s consent if she was unconscious and it would save her life but not if she was conscious and not consenting but had mental capacity to make decisions.

OP I would suggest writing a clear birth plan of your preferences (active management of third stage or physiological, if all is normal; pain relief preferences; wish not to be touched; wish to remain covered up; etc) with the knowledge that you can change your mind at any point- you’ve not painted yourself into a corner saying you want something specific. It’s ok to change your mind.

And talk to your husband obviously so he doesn’t feel like you’re unilaterally just saying ‘stay away’ but hopefully he will get your point of view (I mean he knows you, so it won’t be a surprise hopefully!) and maybe have the caveat that if you suddenly want him there, his number is on the birth plan in big font and he can be there ASAP.

Good luck with whatever you decide, I don’t think you are being totally unreasonable and you will labour best when you feel in control of what’s happening.

DH was utterly useless while I was having DD1 and a distraction for the people there. Zero advocating but I guessed that already!

OP do what is right for you. I've read that being relaxed is the best thing in labour/ birth and surprised that so many women are pushing for a woman to have something that she will not feel relaxed about when giving birth.