To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

You do whatever you are comfortable with. Actually for the last one he just dropped me off at the hospital and he looked after the kids. I called him when baby was here and when they could come and visit

OP I hope everything goes well for you. Hopefully this post will soon be a distant memory and you will have your new baby without too much trauma! One thing I did find is that although I was scared before hand you do live in the minute. It's like being on a rollercoaster that you cant get off but eventually it does stop.
Good luck.

Do what is right for you OP, you don't have to have your partner there and it doesn't sound (from what you've said about him) like he'll push to be there if you explain that you will find it more comfortable without him. Lots of women give birth without the fathers of their children there and it doesnt affect their ability to parent, it's not a right of a father and your comfort when having the baby is paramount for both you and the baby.
I'd talk to him and come up with scenario that works for you. You might have a loooooong labour, so him being with you while you wait for it to get to the stage where you need to be alone might work? Or you might have a traumatic labour so knowing he is close by to call on might help you focus. I had 2 emergency sections, the first I had skin to skin while they put me back together, the second my partner had our baby down his scrub top because I was out of it. It was comforting for me to know he was there both times to step in if I asked him to. That might not work for you but what strikes me as important is you speak to your midwife about what the birthing suite is like and what your options are while you're there. If you have a clearer idea of what labour will be like you might be able to plan for this a bit better with your husband.
Good luck, it sounds like you're having a tough time and not having your husband at the birth isnt the crime that some people seem to feel it is but it's a discussion you should have with him when you have a good idea of what you might feasibly need him to do for you when you're there.

My only advice though is if you are on your own you have to be very strong about what you want and advocate for yourself. Don't accept everything they say if you aren't happy with it!

It's a relatively new thing to have partners around. It's neither odd nor unusual as some people seem tothink. My partner was present at one birth and not the second, he was not particulary during the labour but was nice to have someone fetch things later. Second birth felt a bit lonely. THe first time round he did see a lot of unpleasant things, me vomiting on the floor, me almost doing a poo on my way to the toilet as barely made it, me throwing up some more next to the bed, but I had other fish to fry so whatever he saw I was not concerned about... Hehe.

@potatoesandonions

I don’t have strong preferences about the birth 00

I would like it to be as painless as possible but ultimately my health and the baby’s are the only important things.

My first birth plan was similar, whatever, no pethadine. 5am after being on labour ward 5 hours after over a day of regular contractions, and birth going nowhere fast, the MW sweetly offered to speed things up by popping my waters... the contractions went nuclear and she sweetly offered some pethadine... I'd have sacrificed anything at tgatpoint. At lunch time DH goes off with baby to NICU while my under carriage and abdomen are stitched up prior to a stay in HDU. I wasn't particularly aware of DH in much of labour, but he was practical for the aftermath, and it is good that he experienced what I went through and how it caused a lot of trauma.

Second birth he helped the MW set up the room so it was comfortable for a monitored birth (with SPD) he was then in the background.

It's not that medical staff will offer you bad choices or do bad things, but they don't know you and don't instinctively know the better option. Having someone who knows you well, be it a DH, mum or anyone else, puts better, personal support on your side. Every birth is different, but it is common for labouring women to retreat deep into themselves, more so with common pain relief like gas and air or pethadine.

If it's going quietly, and the ward is busy, you can be left alone with no medical supervision. Many birth partners have realised something is changing and alerted for help. If the shit hits the fan, it's good to have someone who knows you there in the background.

When birth became medicalised and taken off to hospitals, it was not a golden era of birth. Women were routinely shaved, given enemas and stuck up in stirrups because that's what you did. Prior to that, it often wasn't husbands involved, but birth was something carried out on the community with people who knew you personally. It's only one or two generations that birthed without that personal connection and it was to the detriment of women and their autonomy and dignity.

Ultimately you can do what you like. You can free birth in a river if that's what floats your boat, but there are reasons why many women who have hundreds of different birth experiences, some delightful, some dèeply traumatic and the whole range in between are saying that this needs careful consideration and what seems like meeting your needs when pregnant may all be very different once you are in the maternity block.

I found getting in touch with the mental health midwives very helpful for preparing for birth #2 to get over the baggage of birth #1. I had a private visit to labour ward, to see it in a controlled, rational state of mind and to go over practical birth options to make it a better experience while balanced with medical need. It went a long way towards creating a calm birth despite the big red button being pressed again.

Wow. What a shitty bunch of hateful answers (for the most part).

OP I would sit OH down and explain how you are feeling. Have him with you but ask him to leave and wait outside if it gets too much for you. I was very like you so asked my DP only to do what I asked in terms of support of touching me.

He didn't actually annoy me as much as I thought he would and stayed top end for the birth. Food luck with whatever you decide.

I'm a father of 2 amazing DC and at times I can be stupid, thoughtless and a monumental pain in the backside (probably all three during the birth of my DC!). I have a pretty dull job, that pays the bills but probably doesn't add much value to the world.

My life had never felt more meaningful than when I watched my amazing DW bring our DC into the world. I don't have a great memory but those experiences have been vividly etched onto my brain forever, and I often find myself replaying those moments whilst watching DC play.

I have absolute respect for the unimaginable difficulties and pain women go through, not just during birth but throughout pregnancy. That can never be overstated and your wishes and wants are of the highest priority.

Although I would respect my DW wished, I would have been secretly devastated not to be there at their births. And if having me present put my DW through a lot more pain than she needed to, I know she would've endured that extra pain to allow me that experience.

I hope you talk this through with your OH and if he is truly genuinely not bothered at being present then that's fine. However, if he's as excited and devoted as you say he probably will want to be there. And so I would ask, on his behalf, and from a completely selfish perspective for you to compromise or endure that bit more. Your sacrifice would gift him an experience he would never forgot. But that's just my two cents...

Nope not unreasonable at all- although keep in mind that he won't he able to visit at all if you do go it alone and have to stay in x

You are totally entitled to not have your DP with you, and the more relaxed you are, the better for you and the baby. If you decide you don't want him in the room with you, perhaps have him at the hospital throughout because once you are in labour, you might change your mind? I know people who were adamant that they wanted no pain relief or intervention who changed their mind when the time came, not quite the same thing but just saying keep your options open. Good luck x

Ultimately it's your decision but I my husband would have been distraught at not being able to attend the births of our children... have you discussed it with him.

OP I hear you. I had DH with me for the final 10 minutes of my first birth (he was with dss in the waiting area prior to that waiting for my BIL) I was getting on just fine with the midwife before he rocked up and completely threw me off. He was useless. A right flapper, full of crappy jokes and tbh I too would rather Have been left alone to suffer in silence when in pain and get through it.

For my second birth I told him he wasn’t allowed to be there and I hired a doula. DH was allowed in the room once I was tidied up and the chaos had died down. Perfect experience.

DC3 was a home birth, we practiced him massaging my back through the by then horrendous Braxton hicks which seemed to plague me for weeks on end. He was told he wasn’t to do any other touchy feely stuff, not say a word and not interfere with the midwives. Otherwise he’d have to go upstairs and keep out the way. He was for once useful! But by then it was his third birth.

I never gave birth naked either, I had long cotton nighties that my grandmother would have worn, which were loose and comfortable.

Some of us would rather internalise and have silence and The minimum of people who don’t need to be there and go through birth otherwise alone. We are not odd we just do things differently.

And tbh distraught husbands? Really! Surely if it’s going to make the difference between a calm mother giving birth and a stressed mother giving birth they ought to have the sense to know they would be better off out of it!!

So you're pissy the scare brigade didn't make OP change her mind? That's not advice,that's bullying
Dont chat shit.
I dont want anyone scared.
Personally I had one bad time, one easy time. But if people told me that I didnt have to be naked I would have believed them.
If people had told me that Dh would act as my advocate if any thing went wrong and I was off my tits on drugs I would have took it on board and thought they may have a point and it's not something I had considered. If some said dh didn't have to give me back massages or hold my hand because didnt want him to do that I would have listened and not snapped back at people and then realised I was more informed with the process than I was before.

@Angelina82

Uh oh here we go again. Do what you want OP, it doesn’t matter what your husband wants and anyone who says it does is a misogynist and thinks rape should be legalised 🙄

Fucking hell, that escalated quickly!

@notacooldad

So you're pissy the scare brigade didn't make OP change her mind? That's not advice,that's bullying Dont chat shit. I dont want anyone scared. Personally I had one bad time, one easy time. But if people told me that I didnt have to be naked I would have believed them. If people had told me that Dh would act as my advocate if any thing went wrong and I was off my tits on drugs I would have took it on board and thought they may have a point and it's not something I had considered. If some said dh didn't have to give me back massages or hold my hand because didnt want him to do that I would have listened and not snapped back at people and then realised I was more informed with the process than I was before.

What makes you think that OP didn't read all that, accepted that might be the case but she still doesn't want him there? Because she doesn't want to.

And that's enough.

We're getting a few reports in about the direction this thread has taken. While we're happy to see the majority of posts are useful and supportive, can we please remind everyone that there are real people behind the posts, and ask you not to say anything to a fellow MNer on the boards that you wouldn't happily say to their face. Also, OP is pregnant, it's hot, and this is her first baby - so it would be nice if people could cut her some slack. Thanks all - and best of luck, @potatoesandonions

@BiscoffBoy that's actually really selfish of you. Ask her to endure more pain for you and you knew she would. Surely if you loved her you wouldn't want her to endure that. Some men are just dicks of the highest order

I think your idea of birth is changing the way you feel OP. You don’t need to be screaming, naked and under bright lights. I laboured in a room with low lighting, I was pretty quiet apart from the occasional moo that came out and absolutely no one touched or rubbed my back, I wore a t shirt and knickers for the majority of my labour. My partner was actually the one who was really apprehensive about the birth and he just sat in the corner, controlling the music and feeding me jelly babies when required. I ended up having a c section and even under the bright lights of theatre I didn’t once feel exposed, the staff always do their best to keep you covered. I really do think it would be such a shame for your husband to miss his own child’s birth if he does want to be there but ultimately it’s up to you.

I completely understand, I ended up having an emergency c section with DS (his father left before he was born) but even if I’d had a partner birth is something I would have chosen to do alone. I did all my scans alone aswell and preferred it that way.

I do think that having someone there to advocate for you is extremely important for both you and baby. I ended up with a crash section under general anaesthetic for my first. I was unconscious in intensive care for twelve hours after birth. DH was handed baby DS straight out of theatre and stayed with him and fed him until I was able to come back to the post natal ward. If he hadn't been there, DS would have been alone with busy midwives until DH could get there, an hour long journey away from home. We were absolutely not expecting the birth to go the way it did, it was a straightforward pregnancy and until it went wrong, a textbook labour.

I think you might be (understandably) over-thinking it all a bit.

This is presumably your first birth and you read and hear all sorts and get yourself worked up into a frenzy.

My advice would be to firstly TALK to your DH!!!!! He might be absolutely fine with you not wanting him there for the birth and then you've not got a problem.
If he DOES want to be there for the birth of his child then I personally think it's quite selfish to deny him that. It's his baby too.

Just as a bit of an insight though .....

I've given birth twice. Both times stayed at home as long as I possibly could - so you could take yourself off by yourself for the long haul part. Both births very, very different.

I wasn't naked in either (in fact with my 2nd I was stood at the side of the bed with a big baggy T-shirt on and nothing on show!) I wasn't sick. I didn't poo. I didn't scream. Either time.

My first birth was largely straightforward until the end when all hell broke loose and at that point, I couldn't give a shit that the room was full of people and desperately trying to ensure my baby came out unscathed. They could have chopped my leg off and I would have agreed to it.

With my first, I remember swearing at DH to stop sponging my head and then again for not telling me when a contraction was coming! It's not so much that they can help but it's having the father of your child and presumably the person that you made the baby with being there.

I stayed at home with my 2nd until I was 9cm and so you can have as much or as little contact as possible.
But I couldn't dream of not allowing my husband to see his children enter the world 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh and my DH didn't go down the business end, I don't think??? To be honest, you're generally so incredibly immersed in the whole process that it won't even be an issue. IMO.

So I would suggest you talk it through with your DH. Gauge his feelings on it. And keep an open mind.

Oh and I went in with my first with this beautifully thought out birthing plan where I wanted soft music, low lights blah blah blah ........ that lasted for about 10 hours until the whole resuscitation team flew in!
I didn't bother with a birth plan for my 2nd!

So basically, you can do the long haul part of labour on your own, or how you want but I really think it's a bit selfish to deny your DH being there for the birth of their child too, unless he's happy with that.

Good luck.

My birth involved quite a lot of medical intervention. I’m fortunate that I was very comfortable having DH there. But do just factor in the logistics. NHS hospitals exceptionally short staffed. I had to do a lot of waiting around as I wasn’t allowed home and just having DH to carry stuff, find things was useful. Will you let him be in the room at all even in earlier stages?

Un-fucking-believable, @BiscoffBoy. Truly. Just awful.

[quote Notredamn ]Is totally fine. It's the radical (to some...ok, many!) concept of choice. You're the patient so it's up to you.
As for the posters spitefully telling you how much pain you'll be in....no words.
Trying to frighten a pregnant woman because you don't like that she wants some choice and autonomy, shame on you! She said she wants as pain free a birth as possible, which is what we all want unless masochists. Flutterpie I'm looking at you. [/quote]
Telling a woman childbirth is painful is not remotely ’spiteful’, quite the opposite in fact. Every friend I have who has been through childbirth says exactly the same thing - ‘’why doesn’t anyone tell you just how painful it is?’’