To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

It's all about banking up those points!!

What fresh hell is this?

Nevermind being equal partners, sharing burdens, love ,respect and care and helping eachother out.

Nah it's all about the brownie points.

@potatoesandonions

Seeing me naked when having sex on a bed in a dark room after I’ve had a shower etc is very different to stark hospital light when I’m giving birth. Can people honestly not see this?

And no it’s not being ill but I said quite clearly very ill or in pain, giving birth is painful.

You have to do what you think is right, but all I can say is that being naked was the last thought on my mind when I was having my 2 babies, and yes I was fully exposed with a room full of people including students but the fact that I was bringing new life to the world was more important. As far as your husband is concerned, its your call but talk to him about it rather than make the decision on your own

@BruceAndMarley no she isn't. She comes across as awesome. Not taking any shit.

I get it op, my family make fun of me and say I’m like a mangy old cat when I’m ill, I take myself off somewhere quiet and out the way to die in peace.

I think have the conversation with him, tell him what your thoughts on this are, see if he feels strongly either way and go from there. It could be he is relieved not to have to get too heavily involved, in which case you don’t even need to consider him, it could be that you decide to have him there for the start or close by if anything starts to go wrong, it could be that he feels strongly that he wants to be there and you need to discuss it between you.

You don’t have to be naked btw and nothing too messy or brutal is guaranteed to happen. I wore the dress I arrived in during my first labour and changed into a nightie the second time and everything was pretty textbook, no guts or poo or dramatics. But you’re prepared that it might and you won’t know how you feel in labour until it happens. You might feel vulnerable and out of control and need someone even though you aren’t that kind of person usually.

I think being at the birth and seeing the reality of our children being born bonded my dh and I for life. The old sexist jokes about watching your favourite pub didn’t even apply, he always says seeing what I went through made him love me more which sounds a bit soppy and sickening now but I felt it too.

Hi Op
I am just having horrified at the abuse, judgement and criticism being jetted out here- and it’s not for the first time. I see other threads when an OP is shredded and made public property for people to mock and bully. I don’t get it really, 2 people posting essentially same points and 1 gets massacred and someone gets lovely responses.
IGNORE all those people who have no ability to “walk in your shoes” and offer advice based on your situation. listen only to those many people who have offered good sound advice and suggestions you actually need.

I know it is distressing but try not to be goaded to reply to the nastiness.

Mums net moderators need to stop these sort of pile ons when posters are clearly getting distressed by people who enjoy character assassinations and the distress they’re causing

💐

Thanks red I probably was grouchy to be fair. But it is hot and being called odd did get to me. A bit school playground.

And yes I am a bit mangy old cat. I can actually deal with pain surprisingly well as long as I have space.

My DH was as useful as a chocolate fireguard at my first birth. For my second birth I gave him a list of things to do like make tea for midwives, get towels, full birth pool with water, etc (I had a home birth)

I was naked for my second birth (I was in my own house after all) but nakedness doesn’t bother me. For my first birth I had my nighty on or a a gown apart from when I was in the bath. DH is very squeamish so I told him to stay up the head end and not down the ‘business end’

It is useful to have someone be with you (it doesn’t have to be your DH) advocate for you as you may not be able to speak as it is not unheard of for women to be ignored, coerced, or bullied when they are at their most vulnerable.

During my first birth I was ignored by the midwifes as they didn't believe I was in labour (and didn’t carry out any checks to see if I was in labour) They ran me a bath and told me to get in it. My DH had to hold my head out the water was I was so tired I kept falling asleep and almost drowning in the bath. If I had been by myself I probably would have drowned. I spent 99% of the time in the bathroom ignored by all the medical staff despite repeatedly ringing the bell telling that I was in labour and having regular strong contractions and begging and pleading for pain relief. I told the midwifes I was in so much pain I thought I was going to die. I was induced with a back to back baby and I was denied any form of pain relief (even gas and air). I was in so much pain I could not get out the bath to get help.

No checks were carried out on me or my baby for the whole of my first stage of labour. No one monitored my babies heart rate. My baby could have gone into distress and no one would have known.

In the end I told them I was pushing and they found I was fully dilated despite being ‘not in labour’ at all 20 mins earlier according to them. I almost gave birth in a bathroom on the antenatal ward (as I ‘wasn’t in labour’ they wouldn’t Let me go to the MLU or labour ward) with zero pain relief. I suffered birth trauma and it ruined the whole of my mat leave as I was mentally in pieces.

I wish DH had told the midwives what they were doing was unacceptable and demanded to speak to the matron as my birth trauma may have been prevented.

I’m coming late to this thread but OP, YANBU. Your uterus, your decision.

However - you won’t be naked unless you want to be. If you’re having a c-section you’ll be wearing a hospital gown. If you’re giving birth vaginally, just wear whatever you want and take your skirt/trousers and knickers off when you start to push! Or earlier if you feel like it. You can cover up with blankets etc right until you’re pushing, I promise.

In both my labours in hospital I was fully dressed in what I’d arrived at the hospital in, right up until the end (T-shirt, bra, jogging bottoms & knickers) .... it wouldn’t have occurred to me not to be. (But some women rip all their clothes off during labour and that’s fine too!)

Totally agree. In my mind it's a space taken up by someone who isn't medically trained. However baby wouldn't be there without him so he does I think have a say. Have you talked to him - does he want to be there? If so then could you even agree that he comes in for the last couple of hours or so? . My DB did not want to be anywhere near but his DW insisted -but then she is a controlling cow- he fainted .............more than once".

Basically what I’m saying is that it is helpful to have someone with you but it doesn’t need to be your DH. You don’t have to have someone with you all the time but it may be handy to have someone available to come and support you if you feel need them

[quote Notredamn ]@BruceAndMarley no she isn't. She comes across as awesome. Not taking any shit. [/quote]
Yep. She sure does.

Re what to wear I had a lovely stretchy black nightie (actually I had three) which hardly cost a thing, were nice and soft cotton feel with a lacy bit at the top and I felt quite nice in labour! Just pulled them up a bit when pushing! I'm wearing same one/s for DC2 so they lasted as well and as they were in my normal size I could wear them after I'd lost the baby weight too

@potatoesandonions does your DH even want to be there? Is this something he feels something about or is it just "I should be there because of reasons"?

Talk to him, you have final say ofc but you might find out he's not actually that fussed about present at the birth, and then you can relax.

If he's adamant, explain your reasons, and hopefully if he's a decent,loving and caring man he will put your wellbeing and comfort (needs) during birth above his wants.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

It was intended to be light-hearted. I'll try to make it more obvious in future.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

I love the patronising and condescending voices of "aww you just don't know any better" , "silly OP we're just helping you to have an informed choice".

No you're not. You're completely dismissing and minimising OP's feelings and needs and using scare tactics and emotional blackmail to convince her to do the "right" thing. It might've been the right thing for YOU, but have you even considered it might not be the right thing for OP?

Luckily she seems very confident and aware of her feelings and needs and is able to hold her own.

This.

I don't think this is odd at all. I am of the same mindset as you, OP. The last thing you need is to be dealing with someone you would rather not be there when you are giving birth.

Birth is not a spectator sport. It is not a man's "right" to see his child being born. The whole thing with women lying on their backs to give birth was introduced by Henry XIII because he wanted to watch his child being born. Nobody gave a shit about what his queen wanted.

Birthing is a mother's business.

You go ahead and do whatever you need to do to make it right for YOU.

OP you have to do what's right for you, you're the one going through this, not your husband.

It never used to be the norm for dads to be at the birth. Whilst I think it's good they are able to be there now, it doesn't make you 'odd' if that's not what you want. I've not bothered to read all the replies on this thread- I know you will have got some great support but after seeing the idiotic comments on the thread where OP's DH looked during the birth I know you will be getting a fair bit of that BS as well.

FWIW, I 'excluded' my DC DF from their births. I had planned CS under GA (my choice) and so he wasn't allowed to be there! But I wasn't really there myself, being asleep and all that 😂 He actually got to hold them first given I was out of it.

I have no regrets about my choices. What I chose wasn't the norm either but it was absolutely the right decision for me and even though he has subsequently behaved like an arsehole (separate thread!), ex was very supportive of me with this. Despite not being awake, and ex not being there, both of us bonded with the DC and I see it as we both have the rest of their lives to be their parents, and for me the magical stuff has been what has followed.

Good luck with everything 💐

YANBU, OP.

I didn't want my DH with me for the birth of our 2 DC. Hasn't affected our relationship one bit, and he is a very loving dad.

Your uterus, your choice

The other that strikes me is how bullies always say horrible things to a person yet expect that person to respond politely back.

*Notredamn

@BruceAndMarley no she isn't. She comes across as awesome. Not taking any shit
Or advice from people that have actually done, many of us on more than one occasion, and was able to offer our experiences against her unfounded preconceptions.

@notacooldad

*Notredamn

@BruceAndMarley no she isn't. She comes across as awesome. Not taking any shit
Or advice from people that have actually done, many of us on more than one occasion, and was able to offer our experiences against her unfounded preconceptions.

So you're pissy the scare brigade didn't make OP change her mind? That's not advice,that's bullying.

Get over it! It's her choice,and she's allowed to stick to it.

OP, one thing to bear in mind when reading all these responses TELLING you what your labour WILL be like on the basis of their personal experience is that no woman in the world has given birth a statistically significant number of times.

I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for actually in many cases taking the time to appreciate where I am coming from.

Yes, others have given birth before me notacooldad but doesn’t it show how everyone experiences something slightly different each time, just like pregnancy? One thing we all know is it hurts, there’s no getting around that fact. And when I hurt I like to be left alone to process that.

Does much more need to be said?

I didn't let DH in for any of our babies. 4 of them! Eldest is 7! He was around just not in the room so he was the first in when I felt ready for it. He didn't mind and I think he was happy about it to be honest. And I did it for some of the same reasons as you. I need to focus

@potatoesandonions I understand where you're coming from. Although it's completely different, I've suffered from severe toothache in the past (much worse than labour!) and couldn't stand my DH trying to help and see if I was ok. I just wanted to lie in a darkened room completely on my own and deal with it myself.

Regarding the clothing in labour, I wouldn't have wanted to have been completely naked at all. I wore an oversized nightdress. Although it was obviously pulled up a bit at times, it still covered me up pretty well. I never got a water birth, but if it had worked out, I had a tankini too to cover my top half and hoped that you wouldn't see much of the bottom half under the water.

I definitely told my DH to get away from me and leave me alone lots of times during labour, I'm sure it must be quite common! But I do have to say it was pretty special to have him there.