To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

It is definitely your decision and one you need to discuss with your DH. If he really wants to be there he might be upset so maybe a compromise could be made.

I wouldn't want to do it without my DH and have already had conversations about it with him where he is fully aware I might shit the bed but he nor I care about that as we will take a baby being safely delivered with whatever comes with it. I've also warned him I might tell him to F off and stop touching me! But then I might not. We will take the situation as it happens and whatever happens (poo, sick, swearing) we will put behind us once it's over and we are cuddling our baby.

Oh and yes, as pp said- DH could hold baby as I got stitched up

Someone to hold the baby when/if you needed stitches is something worth considering OP. I would have found it impossible to hold my baby while I was getting mine, and having him crying in his little cot next to me while I was having them would have been very stressful & upsetting.

I agree somewhat that it's your decision but I also feel that you are denying your husband the first few moments of your child being born. Have you talked to him how he feels? Maybe set some ground rules.

Just out of curiosity why do you think you ll be sweating and crying in pain and naked ?

Just for information my birth was calm, gas and air, no sweating or screaming etc (although I know everyone's is unique and just a few grunts at the end) I was in a birthing pool with a vest top on and nothing on the bottom obviously, but once she popped out I was uncovered for a few mins whilst the placenta came out and then covered up again.

I haven’t read the whole thread, just the OP’s posts.

OP, I think you will surprise yourself by how different you feel in labour. Things that worry you (and would worry anyone) now like being sick, doing a poo, being naked etc, when you are in labour you are completely overcome with the pain and the experience (imo in a good way) and you honestly don’t care about that stuff. It bothers you now but I promise you it won’t bother you when it comes to it. I’m normally very shy and quite prudish (though I have to say not in front of DH) and I honestly couldn’t care less who saw me in labour and have no idea whether I did a shit in the pool or not. This stuff seems like a big issue now, but when it comes to it you will just want your baby out safely and you may not even be aware of who else is in the room.

Re your DH, you can easily tell him in advance what you do and don’t want him to do. Again, you might change your mind in labour. And you might really appreciate having someone there to speak up for you. When you’re really focused and in the zone you might not want to have to answer questions (doesn’t mean you’d be so out of it you needed the medics to take charge), and you could give your DH your birth plan so he could respond for you.

Saying all that, it’s ultimately your choice and you don’t need to justify it. I don’t think men have a right to be at the birth. On the other hand this is someone who you love and who will be the father of your baby, so you might want to take his wishes into account, especially if the worries you have now end up not being that big a deal/could be dealt with in advance.

Also a lot of posters forget that partners can be totally useless. Not because they suck, but because they have no idea what is going, why ,the mechanics of it and a lot of people tend to trust doctors and take their cues from them. Even confident,competent grownups.

Sometimes they can make it even worse , as the mum has to convince the medical staff AND the birth partner as to what she wants/needs.

@potatoesandonions

Isa told you that her birth partners were able to explain to the midwives that she didn't want to be touched.

You won't be in that position if you give birth alone. Hopefully you will be able to articulate this, but I wouldn't want to bet on it.

PS, like a pp I gave birth in a birthing pool, with my bra on. I didn’t vomit. I may well have pooed (don’t know, didn’t ask) but I didn’t scream. I was totally focused and tbh not aware of whether DH was there or not. I was glad that he was though because he saw our son take his first breath, and cut the cord, and shared in the amazing moment when we found out he was a boy, and did skin to skin with him while I had a few stitches.

Is there a compromise here? Wouldn't it be useful if there was a waiting room where he could hand out cigars with the other new dads like in the good ol' days? The difficulty with giving birth is that having never done it before nobody really knows how they will react. You may find that feeling vulnerable means you actually would like him there in the moment to squeeze his hand or, as you say, you may want him nowhere near you or in the room. What are current facilities like in the hospital? Is he allowed to be on the grounds in a coffee shop or walking around? Or has covid put a stop to that sort of thing? He may not mind missing out on the birth as long as he can be on standby for once baby is here or if you decide you need him/there's an emergency.

@potatoesandonions I mentioned this earlier but it's a busy thread; would you consider a professional doula?x

You won't be naked OR bleeding during labour. Wherever did you get that idea? You are NOT going to be spreadeagled as naked as an oven-ready chicken .

You will be offered a hospital gown to wear (or take your own if you prefer) , and if you're wearing that the midwife will lift the bottom hem when she needs to examine you, and when the baby's head starts to be born.

If you (or, your partner) don't want him watching your exam,inations or baby coming out just sit him beside you , not looking down there.

After the baby comes out, and is breathing well, you'll be offered the chance to put him on your bare chest, skin to skin. But even then, you can keep your breasts and baby discreetly covered if that's what you prefer.

    If all is going well during labour, there probably won't be a midwife constantly at your side. IOW there could be hours when you'd be very glad of some company.

    You might want to re-think, perhaps have your partner there during labour, even if not during delivery.

Hi @potatoesandonions my DH is still hugely traumatised by my first birth which is a bit but I guess I didn’t have to watch me and our DS nearly die. I only let him come to the second birth because it was an elective c section so completely calm and controlled. So I think it’s completely valid to ask your DH to wait outside if that’s what you want.

I would advise having an advocate there if possible - if not a trusted friend, I’d think about employing a doula or private midwife to be present and to look out for your interests - and to help clean you up afterwards.

I have to say I literally lost my voice first time round and was totally out of it at points so don’t assume you will be able to speak for yourself.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/oct/18/men-birth-labour-baby

Talk to your dh about it. I felt like that at my first pregnancy and I really wanted my dm. He was saying all the right things until I told him the truth that I prefer dm to be there. He got very happy and even gave me a handshake (we don’t shake hands normally). He says he prefers staying away and being called when baby is out. Dm was with me during all my birth except the last one. Dh was there and he said it is actually better for him to be there. It was a c-section which is different from normal birth. But talk to your husband he might surprise you.

I love the patronising and condescending voices of "aww you just don't know any better" , "silly OP we're just helping you to have an informed choice".

No you're not. You're completely dismissing and minimising OP's feelings and needs and using scare tactics and emotional blackmail to convince her to do the "right" thing. It might've been the right thing for YOU, but have you even considered it might not be the right thing for OP?

Luckily she seems very confident and aware of her feelings and needs and is able to hold her own.

You don't have go be naked to give birth. I wore a gown and DH stayed up by my head the entire time. I did shit and piss while I was on the bed, DH didn't even know as it was dealt with quickly by the midwives who don't announce that it has happen they just clean it up and move on.

I had a difficult labour and was unable to make decisions so I needed him to do it for me. I needed him to vocalise my needs. Like you I went in with no birth plan and the view of just taking it as it came but I did need him there because I was unable to speak for myself. Also, keep in mind that your child may need him.

You need to have a discussion with your husband and tell him exactly what you are expecting of him at the birth. If your DH wants to be there for the birth of his child I don't think you should deprive him of that but you need to find a way that works for both of you.

Have you considered talking to a medical professional about your self consciousness?

YABU. Your poor husband. Your obviously close 😳 Why would you be naked?!

I had to have an EMC under general so my DH couldn’t be in theatre.
It was 5 years ago and it still actually brings tears to my eyes that he couldn’t be there to see his child being born. He wouldn’t have been able to hold her or touch her or anything, but I would’ve loved him to have been there anyway.
End of the day, it’s your decision, but I couldn’t do that to my husband, sorry. Hope you can work things through.

@potatoesandonions I didn’t have my DH in the room he waited outside, I had 1 midwife with me until the last few moments and it was great. I didn’t want to talk or be fussed over I wanted quiet and to focus. It worked for me. Just because the current trend is for partners to be there doesn’t mean you have to choose the same.

I'm going to Echo what Pobble said. Actually, when your husband has seen you tired and exhausted and in pain, (my first labour was over 50 hours), it buys you a certain amount of brownie points that you can bank up and use at a later date. So.... When you've been up half the night exhausted and hungry, you can turn to him and say, "you know what, I really fancy a freshly squeezed guava and pomegranate juice right now with a Portuguese custard tart on the side!" Or you can say, " I am exhausted. I would love all the cleaning done for me today", or, when it comes to naming the baby, you can say, "yes Darling, Emma is nice, but I really want to call her Princess Ottelie Amelia Von Blossom-Berry". It's all about banking up those points!!

After multiple miscarriages and problems conceiving I don't know if my DP and I will ever have another Baby but what I do know is, I could never deny him the chance to see his Baby being born plus I know he'd advocate for me if and when I needed it. Might not be too good down there bottom end cos he's squeamish but the top end he'd be absolutely fine. You don't have to give birth naked but trust me there comes a point when you don't care if you're naked or semi naked or who sees your bits or who has their hand up your bits. I had to go through my last miscarriage by myself as my DP was away with work at the time so all he was able to do was support me over the phone. The pain was unbearable so I couldn't have given a shit if it was a male or female Gynae pulling our dead Baby out of me. OP you sound very petulant and immature!!

When I gave birth the 2 midwives looking after me were sent for a break at the same time. The idiot the sent in to cover was useless. Changed everything around, I’d been told in no uncertain terms not to push my epidural button as it was becoming dangerous. By this point I had no idea what was going on so went to do it, thankfully my husband was able to step in and stop me. He also managed to tell my midwives everything she had done so they were able to sort out all her fuck ups. You never think things might go wrong but in my case they very well might have if he wasn’t there. But yeah, just a useless man.

potatoesandonions Dont let anyone talk you into having the delivery they approve of.

Everyone's experience is different and uniquely personal. I thought I wanted ex DH there, but went through some weird primeval stuff in second stage and just did not want him around. And he was so useless in first stage I went without liquids for 24 hours because the midwives assumed he was taking care of me.

What if something happens wont you want him there?

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

I love the patronising and condescending voices of "aww you just don't know any better" , "silly OP we're just helping you to have an informed choice".

No you're not. You're completely dismissing and minimising OP's feelings and needs and using scare tactics and emotional blackmail to convince her to do the "right" thing. It might've been the right thing for YOU, but have you even considered it might not be the right thing for OP?

Luckily she seems very confident and aware of her feelings and needs and is able to hold her own.

This, can't believe all the hideous comments you are getting. It's fine to have boundaries and you aren't giving birth to please anyone.

Was talking about this with my mom a few weeks ago, specifically when did it become the norm for men to be in the room when women gave birth, although wasn't there some weird rule that the Home Secretary had to be present when the Queen gave birth?

If I had my choice, would probably have subscribed to DH being in the waiting room pacing. He did want to be there, and I agreed but if I was too irritated, there was a, 'safe,' word.

I totally understand wanting to do it alone, or just with medical staff there. I don't think it's weird at all, but in fact it may not be your decision at the end of the day as there have been quite a few restrictions due to Covid anyway.