To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

My fear was the medical staff more than anything. You said it’s your first baby. So you probably have worked yourself OP. Like another poster said you don’t have to be fully naked you can cover yourself!! I don’t remember whipping my nightie off even when the baby’s head was pushed out.

@potatoesandonions
Look at the Positive Birth Company - despite me ultimately medically requiring a C section I found it so helpful.

NCT are doing their classes via zoom so you absolutely can have some antenatal classes. Again I found them really useful.

Have you thought about what if you require an assisted delivery or C section? Would you want your partner/husband with you then?

Some good suggestions have been made maybe look at those and focus on that. I personally could not deprive my DH of seeing his child being born. Pregnancy and birth are tough (I had hypermesis I understand how debilitating it is especially must be in this heat and as mentioned a C section to ensure baby arrived safely) talk to you partner/husband you both need to be open with each other. Maybe talk to your midwife as well? Are you ok with the midwives being present?

It's a worrying time OP but to reasure you, you don't need to be naked and your OH doesn't need to go to the business end of the birth, he could just sit with you. I ended up with 2 sections, the first was an emergency after a long labour, I was never naked other than when left on my own to change into surgical type gown rather than my own nightdress.

No-one wants you to feel exposed and vulnerable any more than you need to be.

If you say he's not to be there and then change your mind, it's harder to rectify that than it is to have him there and send him away if you need to be alone. I'd frame that up front with your OH though.

I’m not sure whether to thank you or throw something at you for that description eand

pobble it’s not so much that he’d be ‘useless’. I think a fairer way of putting it would be meaning well but not actually being helpful.

We’ve all known cases like that - haven’t we? I have a friend who is partially sighted and uses a white stick. She is actually more than capable of managing but people are always taking her arm. People are for the most part nice. They want to be helpful. So does OH. And of course I don’t want to deprive him of anything but I don’t want to feel stressed or fussed over either.

I like to be alone when ill, I'm quite reserved about being naked and expressing pain etc and the idea of labour isn't great but my DH was there and it was quite a bonding experience. It is encouraging to have an advocate there. It's your first so it's just impossible to explain what it's like. I don't think his presence will bother you all that much (asides from the odd annoying moment), you will definitely be preoccupied! If he annoys you, just tell him. Maybe forewarn him that you might get very direct. And tell him to stay away from the business end if that bothers you (again, I don't think you will care on d day). Good luck op, labour is no picnic but if it goes smoothly it is also something tremendous.

Also OP unless you have a need to be there before hand you will be doing prt of the labour at home so he will see some moaning and groaning with contractions etc.
I was the same but you don't even think about it when it's happening

Yanbu - you need to do what's right for you.

However, when I was giving birth I needed my husband there to get the doctors and advocate for me due to staff shortages. Some midwives treat you like you're slightly thick or lazy if you question what they're doing (this is not just my experience btw) so having someone who can think straight and isn't in agony championing you can really help.

Would you consider letting him wait at the hospital, or hiring a doula to help you in case you need someone else there?

OP, about the vomiting thing - I had an injection of anti-emetics which was great and I didn't spew at all after that. Might be something to ask about.

I understand exactly where you are coming from, to the point I planned a home birth so that it would be private. I wouldn't ever have expected my exh to not be there though, just made sure he had a very clear idea on what I needed.

As it was I had to go to hospital (waters broke early) and spent 12 hrs there before a ventouse delivery (infection risk so wouldn't let me home). For 10 of these hours no one would even believe I was in labour (would not examine due to waters broken and I wasn't making any fuss). As such I was left to my own devices until i said I needed to push. If Exh hadn't been there I'm not sure they would have examined me even then, as they weren't listening to me, as I did go into myself and shut everything out most of the time. I was 10cm by this point and had had no pain relief. I also needed stitches and Exh was there to hold the baby whilst that happened.

I wasn't naked at any point, did not scream and to be honest, in the end a brass band could have come through and I wouldn't have noticed. You seem very anxious about the process, naturally, but it doesn't have to be the undignified, embarrassing process you seem to be expecting. Talk to your Dh about your concerns and what you will need him to do and go from there.

I gave birth during lockdown so my DH could only come once I was in active labour (I'd gone in early to be induced) by the time he arrived, I barely registered his existence. I was totally focused on myself.
I was taken to theatre and held the midwife's hand until he could change into scrubs then he took over. To be honest, I couldn't have told you when they swapped. So to this point, I'd agree that it doesn't really matter if he was there or not.

However, the baby was whisked off for checks and he went with him. Knowing that my son had his dad there was really important to me.

It's obviously your choice but maybe think beyond just the labour bit to what your baby might need after

I'm guessing if he's got you pregnant he has seen you sweating, screaming and naked! I had a tshirt on both times giving birth. Tell him to stay at the head end.
Unless there's a more sinister reason you don't want him there like abuse and then you need to get rid completely

I never needed an advocate. I can speak when I'm in labour and my births are always without drugs except the last two which I had gas and air and I could stop that and speak when I needed to.

I went through my birth plan with a midwife so the midwives at my births knew e.g. I wanted an injection to help the placenta out after the birth, that i wanted whatever I wanted as I put it in my birth plan.

I don't get the animosity here, OP's body, and you should have the birth you want.

Is it a cultural thing OP?

@sunshinesheila

I'm guessing if he's got you pregnant he has seen you sweating, screaming and naked! I had a tshirt on both times giving birth. Tell him to stay at the head end. Unless there's a more sinister reason you don't want him there like abuse and then you need to get rid completely

Any reason is a good reason. It doesn't have to be abuse. Her not being comfortable with him there is a good enough reason.

Oh and yes, as pp said- DH could hold baby as I got stitched up

I can see where you are coming from op.
Sex wise () me and dp are very open with each other and don’t have lights off etc, but giving birth is a very different experience. I had a miscarriage last year and he didn’t leave my side at the hospital and he saw things I’d prefer he hadn’t, and with this pregnancy I’ve had HG and again he’s seen things I’d rather he didn’t. But in a way it’s brought us closer because having him there by my side through these traumatic and just gross events has made me see how much he loves me.
I quite fancy giving birth in a box in a dark room liked a pet and left the hell alone. When I’m in pain I just need to be left. (With my first, my ex Dh was utterly useless and just looked terrified throughout).
Me and dp have discussed this impending birth and he knows he is not to look down there (he doesn’t want to anyway), if he touches me and I tell him not to then he is to respect that. And if I tell him to shut up then he needs to shut up.
It’s a shame that you don’t feel your dp would be any help during labour, but everyone is different. I do think though that if he wants to be there for the birth of his child then he should be allowed- sat at your head end and leaving you the hell alone or he should leave.

Also, after my first I asked the midwife if I crapped myself. She said yes. Apparently they dealt with it so quickly I didn’t even notice.

I'm like that. When I'm ill or in pain, I just dont want to be touched at all. I said my mum and partner could be there but that they had to leave me alone. Dont touch me or try to hug me and no supportive talk. Just normal chat.

The midwife came in when I was having a particularly painful contraction, looked at my mum and partner like they were out of order and ran over to hold my hand. She grabbed my hand and put her arm round my back and I remember yelling "get off me, get off me". It was just horrible being grabbed like that.
My mum had to explain that they needed to leave me alone until delivery time or other medical intervention was needed.

When you think about it partners have only been present for the birth very recently . Throughout thousands of years they weren't soon one can say you are odd to think that way when years ago it was just completely natural for the father to wait outside. It was like that way for centuries! Having said that my husband was present at all 5 of my sons births and found it a very moving experience.Its completely up to you xx wishing you a good experience xx

@potatoesandonions Please forgive me that i haven't read the whole thread, just bits as i have to go out in a mo. However, I wanted to say that I felt exactly like you. Giving birth is ugly, you are ugly, you pull ugly faces, you poo, your bits bulge, you bleed etc. This is a world away from being naked through sex.

With my first baby i was so inhibited at the pushing stage as the midwife made my then DH be a human stirrup and i had to put my foot on his hip and the other on her hip, so he was plainly looking down at everything on display, including having an episiotmy. This is the man i wanted to fancy me forever. I am convinced the pushing stage took so long as well as i was horrified deep inside that my husband was seeing me like this and consequently I didn't put enough effort into it.

With my second baby, (different husband) i decided that although i wanted DH there, i would make things very different. So i decided on a water birth (which was brilliant tbh, without the reasons I'm about to say). But it meant that no-one saw me below the surface of the water. I wore a vest top to cover my boobs and from the boobs down i was in water and therefore didn't have the whole room staring at my bits. Also i had DH be behind me, with his arms hooked under my armpits and his face along side mine, rather than looking at it directly. It felt 100 times more intimate and close, without being so. I gave birth to DS under water into my own hands and lifted him up to us both. It was amazing and such a wildly different experience. And because i was comfortable with what was happening and felt in control i felt a fraction of the pain i felt with No.1.

People who say, 'oh don't worry, you don't care what you look like, vanity goes out the window during labour' are lucky i suppose. I don;t think that way. So please consider a water birth where you have privacy and dignity. Good luck. x

@potatoesandonions

It is extremely hot here today and there is absolutely no intention of being dramatic but just the same some responses are nasty.

We keep going round in circles with this advocate thing and I don’t know how many times I can say it - OH would not be any help whatsoever here. And I don’t mean that as a knock at him, he has a lovely laid back personality but I know he’d bite his lip and say ok yes ok. That’s it!

And yes it is the shitting myself I’m worried about and being sick. I am suffering horrendously from urinary incontinence as it is and it has knocked my confidence for six.

I had that worry, but my body cleared itself out in early labour.

As long as your not giving birth in a pool then the midwives will clean it away discretely... And as for being sick.

I was sick the whole way through the pregnancy labour and birth... By the end I didn't care if he saw me spewing. He's going to see you vom at some point op.

Re: the “you won’t care about dignity once you’re in labour” theory.

1. not true for everyone.

2. Even if it were true, what you feel like when looking back on it later matters too.

The only thing is, it is true that you can’t be sure how you’ll feel till you’re actually there. If there’s a way to have a plan for what you’d do if you suddenly feel you DO want him/someone there after all, that might be wise.

I assume this is your first birth.... you seem to have a really negative view of what your birth will be like "screaming in pain" etc. That doesn't happen for a lot of women (didn't for me & many mums I know). It's often not this dramatic ordeal, first babies take a while and is quite boring & slow in the early stages until things really get going. You won't be pissing and shitting everywhere, screaming in pain, writhing around in agony. You have pain relief options to help you. Even if you don't want your husband there right at the end when the baby comes out (which seems a shame imo) you might want some company. It can be a slow process and you won't be in pain the majority of the time.

Thanks isa, I’ve always been like this. I just prefer to be able to sort or process it all in my own time and my own way.

OP you’re embarrassing yourself . You’ve come on here for peoples advise and you’ve had lots of nice responses , yet you’re just making a fool of yourself by being rude .

Truth is absolutely noone knows how things will pan out. Could be a long drawn out labour, could be emergency c-section, could be v quick. First time labour can be - first hint of anything to actually holding my first was less than 4 hours. Wore dress I went to hospital in, just thrown back at the business end. No poo. Oh firmly told stay up top and did. 3rd degree tear and much bleeding, but midwives kept whipping away puppy pad things from under me so not too graphic if you see what I mean. Yes it hurts and you may scream, but will quickly get told to channel that energy down into your chest to aid pushing.

Noone, including op, knows how she will feel or what she will want in the actual moment because it's totally new, totally different, totally unpredictable for anyone, and each person experiences things in a unique way.

My lovely oh irritated the hell out of me with concern and being touchy feely but a snappy "stop touching me" was taken in good part and stopped that! But having him there was a huge source of support when in massive pain as placenta had to be manually removed. And with dd who was born v prematurely and whisked away to NICU without me seeing her, it helped knowing he was with her and one of us knew if she was dead or alive whilst I was in theatre myself. And surely if baby is sadly stillborn it would help having partner around?

OP, you are totally entitled to feel as you do and it is your choice and your choice only. But make sure you talk to your partner because it may really hurt him and that needs resolving asap. (Then again, he could be relieved!)

In your shoes, I personally would let him know my concerns and let him come to hospital and be around in early stages of labour. But send him out the very second you stop being comfortable with having him there. That way you leave yourself open to all options.

I really would recommend having someone with you if possible, even if not partner. Friend? Mum? Doula? You just honestly do not know what it's going to end up being like.

But ...your body, your choice. End of story.