To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

OP my husband was asked to leave the room as the delivery was going to be high forceps. It was only after our son was delivered that I realised that the person whose hand I had been gripping fiercely for the last half hour was indeed my husband all masked and gowned.

You will seriously not be aware of him once things to get serious and before that everything is relatively decorous.

Cripes. Fair dues to you. I d say Id like to be friends w you irl. You dont suffer fools gladly. Well done! And ya. No one should call you names and question your relationship based on what you wrote.

Presumably your husband knows who you are. Your strength of character. Your phobias. Etc. Jst tell him. Im sure he ll be fine.

Childbirth is not a spectator sport. He ll get over not meeting his baby straight away. Quite honestly, i wish to god mine hadnt been there. The midwive was fab and had it all under control. Hubby was freaked out and made me nervous. Whats best for you will be best for baby while giving birth. Your husband should be big enough to understand this.

Well yes and I’ve no issue with available, as I said I’m not suggesting tagging his ankle so he doesn’t come within 5 miles of the hospital! Just not actually present iyswim.

It's your birth, you will be the one doing it so you decide who's there or not.

I had my partner with me and I'm glad I did I found it hard to concentrate on what the midwives we're saying and doing and he helped me stick to my guns when they tried to ignore me and indroduce forceps, they weren't needed as my son was born perfectly without, he fed me water and drinks when my mouth was dry from the gas and air and called my mum for advice when the midwife refused to believe I was crowning.

However should I have said I wanted it to be just me he'd have understood.

You arnt odd for wanting it private, but I would have your partner in the hospital at least incase you need support.

Just been catching up on the rest of the thread - really good point about possibly needing someone there as you do indeed lose the ability to think coherently in labour!
I did anyway, didn't know which way was up or down at one point lol, you're so far "gone" into yourself you haven't a clue who's in the room with you, what's going on, never mind make decisions!

I don't mean to be nast with that, it's just that I just want you to be informed.

It's so hard to explain how very different giving birth is to how you imagine it.

Surely you are entitled to whatever experience you want when giving birth. If you don't want your partner there then don't have him there. As someone else said, this isn't a show for him to enjoy, this is you and your body birthing a human. Just make sure you have a really clear birth plan if no one is there to make decisions for you if you are out of it.

Not sure why you’re having a baby with a man you are only comfortable seeing you naked in the dark and who you don’t want to even engage with during the birth of both of your child and who you don’t want near you when Sick or in pain? It could be worth getting some counselling as to why you don’t want the people who love you near you when you’re ill.

I was told the opposite, @00100001 and to 'let it out' as I was 'too quiet'.

Anyway what has anyone else's experience got to do with OP? She doesn't want her partner there and that's all there is to it. Someone who did want their there is irrelevant. Actually it isn't, as they had their wish respected, just like the OP would like hers respected.

It's bollocks that all dignity goes out the window just because of being in pain as well. Why not just invite everyone round for a gander in that case? You're vulnerable and don't care about anything anyway? It's stupid logic.

Skin to skin is given as a matter of course at my hospital 00. I thought this was standard, it might not be.

But yes. If I am so far gone I can’t speak for myself then I will have to put myself into the hands of the professionals.

Well op
It’s your body ,so say what you want
Tough tits if someone does not like it
Dad can meet baby within minutes of being born ,he does not need to be there to bond
Wish I’d said no

My DH was useless during my first labour. He’s was useless. He’s lovely, but squeamish.

I had 2 more without him there. He met the babies 45 mins after in recovery. My reason was they were both planned csections. In the csection class they really emphasised that a spouse/partner who may pass out etc may be more unhelpful. I felt that was DH.

Best decision. You can not tell that he was there for one birth and not the others. Do what’s right for you and your family and not what others expect.

I think it is up to you OP, and if you don't want your dh there then that's your right. I would say, however, that following a 38 hour labour with my first that ended up with me in theatre for 6 hours afterwards, I was very very glad that dh had been present for emotional support. If I were you and going it alone I'd be very assertive about getting pain relief asap - it can be extremely difficult to talk between very strong and relentless contractions and labour is exhausting so you very much can lose the ability to advocate for yourself/talk. Be clear about what you need pain relief-wise before you get to that point.

On that logic exile I would be forever single as I’ve explained in my op I don’t want ANYONE near me when unwell or in a lot of pain.

You know that saying about something taking your breath away? It’s true. When I broke a limb I could barely speak and when I was forced to because people were speaking to me I vomited.

People mean well. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful or terse. But if I’d been left alone it would have been a lot easier.

[quote Notredamn ]I was told the opposite, @00100001 and to 'let it out' as I was 'too quiet'.

Anyway what has anyone else's experience got to do with OP? She doesn't want her partner there and that's all there is to it. Someone who did want their there is irrelevant. Actually it isn't, as they had their wish respected, just like the OP would like hers respected.

It's bollocks that all dignity goes out the window just because of being in pain as well. Why not just invite everyone round for a gander in that case? You're vulnerable and don't care about anything anyway? It's stupid logic. [/quote]
Because other people's experiences will help her make an informed decision.

Many people are saying they are glad they had DH there.

Others are saying he was next to useless.

Now OP knows.

My DH rose to the occasion splendidly, despite my misgivings before hand. So, I was glad he was there. Plus it meant I didn't have to faff about unwrapping snacks, or reaching for a drink whilst in the pool, he was a Zimmer frame for me at one point ... he was there as a little butler

@potatoesandonions

Skin to skin is given as a matter of course at my hospital 00. I thought this was standard, it might not be.

But yes. If I am so far gone I can’t speak for myself then I will have to put myself into the hands of the professionals.

Well yes. I'd hope that any medicals decisions that had to be made were made by the medical staff, not a partner.

It was lovely after to have someone to hold the baby so I could have a shower etc though and change nightie, I'd have had to miss that really if nobody was there
I just left my baby in the rescussitaire and nipped into the en suite!

I was always very much 'dad needs to be there' before I had my first child. I was always comfortable being naked with him etc, that wasn't the issue, but he was absolutely fucking useless during the birth of our first. He was no support at all. He genuinely didn't realise just how painful it is and thought I was being a big drama queen and kept telling me to 'just calm down' and he looked embarrassed when I was screaming through the pain of transition and pushing
(I did have a chat with him a few weeks afterwards and told him the pain is like being fisted with a scorching hot blender over and over again and he honestly had no idea, he'd read it was just like period pains, the fucking idiot)
I told him he wasn't coming to the birth of our second. He did not. I had a much calmer experience having my sister with me who was amazing support and made all the difference. She reduced my anxiety massively and made the whole thing so happy and even made me laugh whilst pushing.
My point is, take who you think will be the most support. Do whatever YOU feel most comfortable with.

You don't have to be naked during the birth, you can have your top half covered, and with your husband sitting up by your head there's not a whole lot that he is going to see.

You seem convinced that your husband will be useless, but you don't seem to be prepared to give him any chances. If you tell him that back-rubbing is right out and his job is basically to try to keep you on an even keel but to shut up when asked, are you really sure he can't do even that much? But even if he's in the chocolate teapot category, it seems mean to deprive him of the chance to be there when his child is born purely because you're worried you might be sick or something. Embarrassment and shame really don't come into it - my husband definitely saw me at my absolute worst during childbirth, and came out respecting me all the more for having gone through it.

@potatoesandonions

Oh bananas this focus on my sex life is really not on.

When you have sex (or when I have sex probably because I’m a bit lazy!) OH is on top of me. I’m not lying there exposed. That good enough for you?

And I don’t vomit when I have sex. I don’t worry I’m going to lose control of my bowels. I personally do feel a bit better if I know I’m refreshed and happy to have sex yes.

Now you and the rest of this thread can have sex how they want to and I support you in that. Because that’s personal, isn’t it?

I was focusing on the light thing more so. I’ve had the same issue. I can understand. Well to be blunt (since your attitude stinks). You are quite exposed when having sex if you are fully naked. Why post a personal and intimate thread topic if you don’t want any input that may differ from your own?

Your that insecure you didn’t give your opinion on how you would feel if it was the Other way round??

I do agree though with you it’s your body so you get the final say obviously. Nobody has any right to impose on a woman husband or not.

OP when I gave birth my OH couldn't seee anything down there anyway. His job was up head end supporting me. I was self conscious so I asked for there to be a sheet over my legs so I wasn't 'exposed'.
If he wants to be there I think you should try and accommodate it in a way where you still feel comfortable but he can see the birth of his child

Its totally up to you if you don't want him there. My husband was with me through it all... but near me. I got to the point I didn't care about being naked and pooping myself I was too hot and bloody knackered. I also told my husband to stay away and leave me alone as cant stand being fussed when not well in pain etc. He was useful for holding my water bottle for me to drink from and that was it lol

I had two sections and even then I wasn't naked. Labour is exhausting and once the baby is born, you'll most likely be exhausted (even if it's a CS- I was high as a kite and there is no way I'd have trusted myself to hold a wriggly, gorgeous bundle of cuteness). I was so glad DH was there to do the skin to skin and latch the baby onto me. You can plan and plan labour to the nth degree but it's so unpredictable- there's no such thing as a dignified birth. You have people's hands all over/inside you at random times- you need to know this before you go in. Definitely suggest doing a last minute antenatal class WITH YOUR HUSBAND so you both know what to expect. No one is being nasty but you sound very naive/silly in some of the things you've said. You've clearly made your preferences known and others have theirs. Lots of us think you're very defensive and rude in your replies when you don't get the answer you're looking for.

"When I broke a limb I could barely speak and when I was forced to because people were speaking to me I vomited."

Then you really, really do need someone with you don't you. Giving birth isn't a passive thing like having a limb treated - there often are decisions to be made, and if for your limb, there were things that you had to say, even though it made you sick, then that's going to be far worse with giving birth. At the very least, if you don't want to have to speak, you need someone who can answer for you, so you only have to talk when absolutely necessary.

If you choose to be alone you will be properly alone for hours.
I was only monitored by a midwife every 4 hours to check I was progressing. Even though her Dad was there he was a crappy advocate too and it is sheer luck she is still there.

So if you are going to be alone follow this advice (from personal experience):

No pethadine! You will be absolutely away with the fairies and you won't be able to sense if anything is wrong.
Gas and Air only at the pushing stage because that's when you have constant monitoring by a midwife and it makes you feel drunk.
I wouldn't have any pain relief bar paracetamol until pushing because it takes your mental function away from you and you'll need it!
Put an alarm on every 2 hours. Because you need to pee. If not they shove a catheter in you.
If you need to push listen to your body not a midwife who's only interested in numbers. (Midwife had checked me 4 hours before at 6cm so I obviously needed to not push I was lying then 4 hours after that they were in a panic to get her out)
There should be a green button to get the attention of a midwife but ask when you get into the birthing suite.

Remember labour is not just about pain it's extremely dangerous. Lots of women and babies still die. So if you don't feel comfortable with your OH being there or being an "advocate" you really need steps in place to be in control and be assertive about your body and concerns.