To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

It's up to you but there's no reason why you need to be naked - I wore a hospital gown and they will give you a sheet for modesty if you want (I doubt you will care at that moment). I get what you are saying but please do think it through - it can be hours in labour, often a full day and the medical staff aren't with you all the time (they just pop in to monitor you at set intervals) having someone with you is partly for company. Not everyone is in that much pain etc, we did crosswords and watched tv, I can honestly say it didn't hurt that much, maybe 30 mins at the end, prior I was fully covered.

@potatoesandonions

That’s the problem herc he’d try to “help” and it just creates a load of stress.

Another reason why you need to talk to him now. This will be a recurring theme once baby is actually here.

You need to be clear about what helping means for you

Screaming is not on...
Maybe people react to pain differently, some retreat deep within themselves.. but to scream? Too much Drama and effort to scream the place down.

It really isn't fair on the other mothers top scream up a storm.

I wish it had been less the custom to let men in when I had first DC. We hadnt been together long and I found him excessively irritating. During the birth however, it would have made no difference if the pope had been there. My mum was there too however and was helpful. This time having cs and a much more mature version of the same dp is going to be there. I don't mind, but still would really rather have my mum as never had surgery but don't want to argument.

I do honestly feel there's some really solid advice here for you OP

Ok. So if you have no strong preference about pain relief, medical intervention and are happy for anything to happen without consent etc, then fine, you don't need an advocate.

I think it's reasonable to put what you are most comfortable with first because it's your body but also for the welfare of your baby, as if you feel you will be uncomfortable to the point your labour progression is affected this is more likely to lead to interventions.

I think it may be hard for the father if he really wants to be there for the birth of his child but agree that the needs of you and the baby do come first.

I'm due my second child and wouldn't really mind that much either way if DH is there or not but I think he'd like to be and it doesn't bother me if he is. I do think it's helpful to have someone on hand to help or raise the alarm if needed (midwives not necessarily there with you the whole time) or to speak to if labour is long.

I hated being stroked etc and told him not to so he just sat there really first time round! It was lovely after to have someone to hold the baby so I could have a shower etc though and change nightie, I'd have had to miss that really if nobody was there as weren't any midwives available in the little period after that until we moved to postnatal ward (when he had to go home anyway)

I think some posters have been insensitive in their choice of words, although AIBU is perhaps not a place to turn for support as it's a direct request for opinions

@potatoesandonions

Seeing me naked when having sex on a bed in a dark room after I’ve had a shower etc is very different to stark hospital light when I’m giving birth. Can people honestly not see this?

And no it’s not being ill but I said quite clearly very ill or in pain, giving birth is painful.

No judgement here but is the labour and him seeing more to do with it will be light? Do you not do the deed during the daylight? Obviously it’s a hard one OP but he may resent you a little as it’s a moment you can’t get back if you don’t want him at the labour.

How would you feel? It is a bit unfair. I can understand you wouldn’t want him at the bottom of the bed.

Actually. During transition phase you'll find you do completely lose the ability to verbally communicate what you want. I didn't.

Labour and birth is not easy and yes it's effing painful, but I can tell you once your in active Labour all the concerns you have now will fly out the window. I've had 4 labours, one was totally painfree one was bloody painful and the other two were in between. You really can't say everyone has the same experience.

You really won't give a shit...

Because you'll be focused on getting the baby out.

Really? I had a home birth, my mother was in the house to look after older child. I told her and midwife quite clearly that she was not allowed in the room. When things got to the interesting stage she and the midwife felt like you, I wouldn't be bothered. I told them either she left the room or I would. Some people are well able to advocate for themselves and do give a shit about people respecting their views.

I don’t have strong preferences about the birth 00

I would like it to be as painless as possible but ultimately my health and the baby’s are the only important things.

Re the screaming thing, my friend got told not to scream/grunt/shout/whatever, as it was a waste of energy that was needed to push baby out 😁

I think the problem is she is incontinent atm
And devastated rightly so about it

And she didn't want to vomit or poo infront of him

If I did not have a c section I may have had a friend as I would be too upset to poo infront of him

Where a maternity sports bra or something similar; you'll have a hospital gown covering up your lower half. keep him at your shoulder for support.

Wish I’d said no
Hated having my dh in

Another one who finds it odd. Sorry. It might have been better to discuss this with your husband first. Most men naturally want to be present at their child's birth. Most women want the dad to be there. It sounds very much like this is just about you and he has no say despite being the baby's father. I would not have been without my dh at my side when we had our ds. He even cut the cord. I personally found giving birth more uncomfortable than painful and I don't remember much blood. Maybe there was, but i don't remember it. I think you need to talk to your dh.

What about the poo girls this is what her problem is

[quote oakleaffy]@VinylDetective
So sorry..That must have been beyond awful for you. No words.[/quote]
Thank you. It was a very long time ago but it was dreadful. I think if my husband had been there they’d have kicked him out anyway. As it was he was waiting for me in ITU after I’d been blue lighted there. If things go wrong the most important, the only people you need are skilled professionals.

Ps check with the hospital, many do lower the lights etc now. It's not like on movies, no screaming etc in my experience

Oh bananas this focus on my sex life is really not on.

When you have sex (or when I have sex probably because I’m a bit lazy!) OH is on top of me. I’m not lying there exposed. That good enough for you?

And I don’t vomit when I have sex. I don’t worry I’m going to lose control of my bowels. I personally do feel a bit better if I know I’m refreshed and happy to have sex yes.

Now you and the rest of this thread can have sex how they want to and I support you in that. Because that’s personal, isn’t it?

Screaming is not on... Maybe people react to pain differently, some retreat deep within themselves.. but to scream? Too much Drama and effort to scream the place down.

Again, people aren’t screaming on purpose. Nobody in intense pain thinks “oooh, shall I scream? Dunno, would it be helpful to passers-by? Is it good manners?”

I didn’t scream when I had a back to back labour, but I did sort of roar like an angry cow

He is the one thatwould be telling the medical staff that you want to be left alone.

He'd be the one, when the sheets were pulled up to expose you, and they forgot to pull them back down (and you are too in pain to notice/be able to respond) could pull them back down.

He is the one who will be able to hold your baby if you need to go to theatre afterwards.

He is the one who will be able to remind the medical staff that you are unable to have an epidural.

Pregnancy is a weird experience though - I'm not one for nudity, but I was quite happy being wheeled half naked back to the ward - I felt like superwoman. Realistically, they can keep you covered up, but by the end of pregnancy, you may well be getting help from him in giving a pee sample, or sniffing random liquid to see if its pee or waters! And then breastfeeding afterwards (if you choose to)- its got a way of getting you comfortable being topless pretty quickly.

@potatoesandonions would you consider hiring a professional doula? Someone who is there acting for you but in a professional capacity.
I've had DH present at both my births under strict orders not to tell me to push etc. but very handy when I wanted a MW, clean nightie or anything else fetching. Also great being in control when I was off my tits on pain meds x

@potatoesandonions

I don’t really have any strong feelings or preferences about the birth pertispan. Again I know some women do and I wish them all the luck but personally all I want is a healthy baby and as quick and pain free delivery as possible!

Well, those are preferences right there; as is the reason for the whole thread - your preference not to have your husband present. The difficulty starts to come about when preferences clash or shift - for example, 'as pain free as possible' can sometimes slow things down considerably. You may find yourself having to choose between options that aren't ideal, at a time when you're thinking less clearly than you otherwise would. Hence why people keep taking about advocacy.

In hindsight, although I'm perfectly happy not to have had a birth partner, I think if I were to do it again I'd want to have someone at the hospital or nearby, in case of need. For example, I had some tearing which could be stitched in the delivery room - but had I needed to go to theatre things would have been difficult. I was also quite high risk for haemorrhage, which again didn't happen but if it had, I'd have been better off with someone available for me/baby.

@potatoesandonions

I don’t have strong preferences about the birth 00

I would like it to be as painless as possible but ultimately my health and the baby’s are the only important things.

So, just making sure, you don't care if it's natural delivery, a water birth, gas and air only, mediation, forceps, vontouse, c-section, helped by a midwife, a Dr, have no opinions on a student being there, no issues with them deciding whether you are cut or not, have stitches, not got an opinion on whether you want skin-to-skin, how you want to deliver placenta etc?

Literally, whatever then midwife decides is ok? (Assuming you are unable to consent/make your feelings known)

It's just most people have some idea of how they'd like it to go