To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

You don't need to be naked. You can wear a gown. He doesn't need to be down at the business end. You might not be in pain. You might elect to have an epidural. You might not give birth naturally and could need an emergency C-section, in which case, he will be up by your head and your lower regions will be hidden from view. I think that you are naive to have already decided how the birth will proceed and how you will feel. If there is one thing that I know, the experience is often very different from how you think it might be. You might want him there as your advocate. You might want him in the room with you to bring you drinks/water etc. I think that it would be wise to have him there, see how you get on, and then send him out of the room as and when you feel like it.

@potatoesandonions

I know sera but I’m not talking about what happens in the birth but OHs presence during it. That’s what is causing a lot of the arguments so can we move on from that? Because like I keep saying in a scenario where I need an “advocate” OH would just follow whatever the medics said.

The staff may give him options though, they don't always go ' this is what we're doing'

For example if you're having problems delivering the placenta, they might ask you (or him if you're out of it) whether you want to deliver naturally or have an injection. If he KNOWS you want to deliver naturally if possible, he can tell them.

They might ask what pain relief you wanted when (say) gas and air isn't working, and you have stated that under no circumstances so you want an epidural, he can say that for you and choose a different option that YOU are happy with.

And if you genuinely feel like he will ignore your choices, then perhaps don't have him there 🤷‍♀️

It's totally your choice, so I'm not voting either way as it's not for me to say.
DH was there both times for me, wanted him there and couldn't imagine him not being, but we're all different.

It is your choice - but it's a shame you can't share the experience with your DH - are your feelings more important than his? It does take two to make a baby after all - the experience of child birth brings you closer and it's a life experience that you get to share with your partner. I think it's a decision you should make together as a couple. Reading your reply though I get the feeling you just want listen to people that validate your decision so you feel OK about it.

I have joined as some of the replies on here are just horrible. She is not giving birth to provide an "experience" for her husband, she has no obligation to have someone at the birth if she doesn't want them there.

I had my first child in 1971, the hospital I gave birth in did not allow anyone to be with you for the birth other than medical staff, not uncommon at the time. I was a member of NCT and we campaigned for women to be allowed to have someone with them we did not campaign for women to be forced to have someone with them.

I was also interested in the work of Michel Odent who was against father's being present at the birth as he believed it impeded labour. I found that interesting as I liked his approach to the non medicalisation of labour which was a big issue in the 70s (shaving, enemas, episiotomies all prestty much guaranteed.)

Personally I have laboured/given birth with and without my husband present. Despite the fact I campaigned for women to be allowed to have their partner with them I found I preferred to labour alone.

I worked with a man who didn't want to attend the birth, his wife insisted and she won. She was less impressed when he found sex with her less than appealing after witnessing the birth and they ended up divorced. Sometimes we really have to listen to people about what works for them.

OP do what is right for you and good luck with it but don't listen to anyone who says you are odd or bizarre. I disagreed with the tyranny of men being banished from the delivery and I disagree just as strongly with women being forced to have spectators at the birth.

I was sorry that I had my ex with me when I gave birth. When pushing I poo'd a bit and was so humiliated. I couldn't concentrate. Then he was on the point of fainting and the midwife got impatient with him and told him nicely to leave. He was no support to me at all and the next day said something really hurtful about it to a neighbour. I was furious!

@potatoesandonions

I don’t really have any strong feelings or preferences about the birth pertispan. Again I know some women do and I wish them all the luck but personally all I want is a healthy baby and as quick and pain free delivery as possible!

Another thing OP

Labour isn't going to be pain free. And if it's your first it likely won't be quick either. We all want a quick pain free birth but unfortunately that isn't reality.

With my first I laboured for 18 hours, gave birth after 2 hours of pushing and had a 3rd degree tear.

You need to get your head around the fact that you're giving birth, the odds are its going to be painful... Its nothing like you see in films or TV shows OP, contractions come in waves.

They get stronger and closer together at the transition faze, the final couple of cm to dilate you'll find theres no rest between the contractions, its one after the other thick and fast.

It's here you feel like you lose all control.

Please OP

Most of us here have been through labour and birth... Listen to what's being said. Your OH could be an amazing help just by being a silent presence in the room.

It is your choice - but it's a shame you can't share the experience with your DH - are your feelings more important than his? In this instance her feelings are most definitely more important than his.

It does take two to make a baby after all - the experience of child birth brings you closer Tell that to the man I know who ended up divorced as he couldn't face intimacy after witnessing childbirth.

You do realise that not everyone in the world feels exactly like you?

It is extremely hot here today and there is absolutely no intention of being dramatic but just the same some responses are nasty.

We keep going round in circles with this advocate thing and I don’t know how many times I can say it - OH would not be any help whatsoever here. And I don’t mean that as a knock at him, he has a lovely laid back personality but I know he’d bite his lip and say ok yes ok. That’s it!

And yes it is the shitting myself I’m worried about and being sick. I am suffering horrendously from urinary incontinence as it is and it has knocked my confidence for six.

I know this is awful but what if you died would you not want him there with you?

@VinylDetective

*It isn't compulsory, no.

But it's advisable to have someone else there*

It makes no difference. I was alone in the delivery room for my second birth. It all went horribly wrong. I haemorrhaged, lost litres of blood and my baby was stillborn. Nothing would have been any different if my husband had been there, in fact it would have been worse. The staff worked hard to save my life, nothing would have changed that.

Ok sorry that happened to you.

But others may have wanted DH there when that awful series of events unfurled. Whether his presence made a difference to the outcome or not.

flutter you have given birth and you know ... I know my OH and I know. Fair?

OP I sound similar to you in that when I'm ill I just want left alone. When I was in labour I ignored my husband. Literally rolled over and faced the other way. However when they said I needed an emergency section and everything that followed from that I was incredibly thankful he was there. I didn't say much to him still, but knowing he was there made it slightly less scary.
I also appreciated him being able to hold the baby when my blood pressure dropped so much I couldn't turn my head. It felt like the baby still had someone there just for them.

You are the one giving birth so you can lay out what you want. If you don't want him touching you, tell him. If you don't want him there at all that is fine. Just be aware there comes a point where having some support may be nice.

@VinylDetective
So sorry..That must have been beyond awful for you. No words.

That’s the problem herc he’d try to “help” and it just creates a load of stress.

I can see where you are coming from OP. The thing is though, this is a completely new experience for you so you don't know what you will do when it comes down to it. You might be able to advocate for yourself, you might be delirious from pain and drugs and need someone to do it.
I was adamant I didn't want either of our families knowing I was in labour with our first. We didn't tell them, and then 24hrs in things started going downhill. DH asked me repeatedly if I wanted to text my parents and I said no, then when I was wheeled in for a crash Cs I buckled and cried for him to call them to let them know. I didnt want them there, I just wanted a few words of encouragement, which they gave.

Are you a low risk pregnancy and planning on labouring at home for a while first? What I would do is tell your husband you want to labour alone, but have him in the house/hospital too. He can fetch you food/drinks in the early stages and then when it comes to the birth he can stay outside so he can meet them ASAP afterwards. But then if you do change your mind, he's not far away to come in after all, or demand more meds etc if you need it.

@potatoesandonions

It is extremely hot here today and there is absolutely no intention of being dramatic but just the same some responses are nasty.

We keep going round in circles with this advocate thing and I don’t know how many times I can say it - OH would not be any help whatsoever here. And I don’t mean that as a knock at him, he has a lovely laid back personality but I know he’d bite his lip and say ok yes ok. That’s it!

And yes it is the shitting myself I’m worried about and being sick. I am suffering horrendously from urinary incontinence as it is and it has knocked my confidence for six.

So, he can't answer a question about your pretences?

If someone said dies she want strawberry or chocolate ice-cream... knowing you hate chocolate, he'd let them choose and watch them feed you chocolate ice-cream?

cult if I died I’d be dead, why would I care if he was there or not

Preferences*

Also yeah don't scream. I had two awful labours but I didn't scream. It's really not helpful to you or anyone else.

People aren’t screaming on purpose at you, it’s not a conscious decision!

I was on my own by choice, although the relationship was on its last legs anyway if I'm honest. I know I'm the type who becomes totally inwardly focused and sure enough that's what happened. It's really not for everyone, all that sharing. Nothing wrong with not following the herd.

@potatoesandonions

Totally understand where you're coming from
I couldn't shit myself in front of my husband even if I had to to save my life

Re incontinence bless you
Have you had it always or is it new with the pregnancy
Have you been doing some pelvic floor exercises
You could have an enema before and then have an anti sickness iv to stop you being sick
Would that help

Is totally fine. It's the radical (to some...ok, many!) concept of choice. You're the patient so it's up to you.
As for the posters spitefully telling you how much pain you'll be in....no words.
Trying to frighten a pregnant woman because you don't like that she wants some choice and autonomy, shame on you! She said she wants as pain free a birth as possible, which is what we all want unless masochists. Flutterpie I'm looking at you.

I think you’re trying to be helpful 00 but I will be honest the face is anything but.

So I have said over and over that I don’t have strong preferences. A better example would be does she prefer strawberry or chocolate. He says she likes both. They say ok we will go with strawberry as that’s better in this instance and he nods and says ok.