To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

@potatoesandonions

00 I haven’t ever said I want to banish him to within a ten mile radius! Just that I do think on the whole I’d be more comfortable and happier if he wasn’t present while I actually gave birth.

I know what you're saying. I really do

But I have given birth, and so have many others on this thread.

PLEASE listen to their advice and experience about keeping your options open, having DH be an advocate of the worst happens etc.

We're trying to help you make an informed decision.

Everyone I know who has given birth remembers not giving a flying fuck about who saw what etc. Even though they felt like they would be wearing x,y and z, listen to floaty music, breathe through pain etc etc

You've asked for advice, and we're giving it to you xx

@BonnieMcflurry

I think your being very selfish not Allowing your oh in to the room when you give birth! And good luck the six week after giving birth when you are wearing nappies bigger than your baby going to bathroom painful And you will be wondering why your oh is not helping you.. if he can't see you in pain giving birth to his child why should he be able to see you at home after birth in pain giving you all the help you need. Very odd and selfish

Crickey, you are nasty, aren’t you?

How about focusing all this anger and learning to write a bit better 🤔

personally all I want is a healthy baby and as quick and pain free delivery as possible!
Dont we all?
However as many if us are saying, giving birt diesntcalways go to plan.
That's why people are encouraging you to have an open mind.
Things can and do go wrong. Its times like this you need someone with you especially if you have already had pain relief drugs and you feel a bit out of it.
Giving birt can get a bit boring if you are by yourself and nothing much is happening. It can get scary when things happen and it can get frighteni6when intervention is needed.
It is also fantastic to share the moment with your partner the minute you get to hold your child.

I understand where you're coming from op. My dh was there for the birth of our 2 dc. From start to finish with dc 1. However with dc 2 I spent from around 11 pm till about 8.30 am on my own in the bath, adding hot water every so often dunking myself every time I had a contraction. I felt so much better on my own, not having to worry about anyone else or have all the fussing. I don't like being seen in pain and I didn't want to feel vulnerable. My dh was there for the last part of my labour. About 9 am I told him to get me some pain relief, the midwife checked me and we went up to the delivery unit where dc 2 was born about 3 hours later. I'm glad dh was there for his sake, but I would have been fine on my own. Actually as my child's head was coming out I got really pissed off Dh was just leaning casually against the windowsill. Sorry people are calling you odd. Speak to your dh and see how you both feel about it all. Good luck with the birth.

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

Actually. During transition phase you'll find you do completely lose the ability to verbally communicate what you want.

Labour and birth is not easy and yes it's effing painful, but I can tell you once your in active Labour all the concerns you have now will fly out the window.

You really won't give a shit...

Because you'll be focused on getting the baby out.

I admit I have not read your thread. But I wanted to say that whether you have your husband at the birth or not is entirely your choice. He would be there only to support you, if you find that supportive. Birth is not a spectator sport. The NHS takes the same view.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

Sixty years ago no one would think twice about your husband being elsewhere. Just because they are now allowed doesn't mean they have to be compulsory. You're the one doing the work. You get to choose.

It isn't compulsory, no.

But it's advisable to have someone else there.

@onlinelinda

I admit I have not read your thread. But I wanted to say that whether you have your husband at the birth or not is entirely your choice. He would be there only to support you, if you find that supportive. Birth is not a spectator sport. The NHS takes the same view.

It is her choice, yes.

Bit she should be making an informed choice, and listen to others as part of making that choice perhaps?

Sixty years ago no one would think twice about your husband being elsewhere
If you want to go down the '60 years things were different' route things were very different for women all round and not necessarily for the better. I bet you dont want those days back.
What is the point of just cherry picking little snippets of the past?

I'm sure the midwives would be supportive if you wanted to ask for the lights to be dimmed? And you can keep your top half dressed and a sheet over your bottom half, and only the medical professionals would need to see down there.

Your body, your choice. You are the patient.

If you think having him there will just make things worse, then say no. Explain it to him and that's that.

Having your partner there is a choice, not a right,not law.

Some women want their mum, some the baby's father, some their sister, some their best friend, some don't want anyone. Each choice is as valid as the other and nothing odd about it.

Tbh your reasons are irrelevant. You're the one going through it and able to decide whether another person in the room will be beneficial or not.

I wish you a safe and quick delivery .

Your dh would know your birth plan and would be able to say on your behalf.

Don’t the midwives have your birth plan as well?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, OP. Can you have this discussion with your OH? (Hopefully you'll get some more reasoned and less viperous responses...)

Oh my goodness, where were you all yesterday when a man who glanced at his wife's genitals as the baby was emerging was slated on MN and compared to an abuser and a rapist? What a huge difference in replies!

OP I wish you the very best of luck what ever you decide.

OP this is entirely your choice of course. I agree with DeRigueur above.

Things to consider:

I gave birth in an oversized T shirt which was absolutely fine, no need to be naked if you don’t want to be. Regardless of whether DH is in the room or not, you might find you prefer that.

It can be a long process and if that is the case, you will probably be left alone for long periods of time. If things start happening quite suddenly you may find it useful to send him out to fetch someone. (Though I assume there must be a buzzer - honestly can’t remember).

DH promised to stay away from the business end! I think a lot of men do that.

You will also need someone to take you to hospital of course, though there is no reason why they / he couldn’t leave once you’re settled.

Does your DH want to be there?

Birth plans seem to be there as an ''Ideal''
Soft lighting..sweet music, no painkillers, not even half a paracetamol..

Then ''the Plan'' often goes awry.

It is easy to get 'medicalised'

''The baby is getting Distressed by your blood pressure..How about an Epidural? .. {which failed} Oxytocin gave crushing contractions....
Pethidine was given..which made me feel I ''missed out'' on the really important bit of the Birth.....By being so out of it.
I wanted ''no drugs''....and ended up stupefied, as did DS.

OP, your husband could be an advocate for you...BUT, when HCP mention ''Baby getting distressed''...one tends to hand over reins to them.

{at least I did}

*It isn't compulsory, no.

But it's advisable to have someone else there*

It makes no difference. I was alone in the delivery room for my second birth. It all went horribly wrong. I haemorrhaged, lost litres of blood and my baby was stillborn. Nothing would have been any different if my husband had been there, in fact it would have been worse. The staff worked hard to save my life, nothing would have changed that.

@Billben

Your dh would know your birth plan and would be able to say on your behalf.

Don’t the midwives have your birth plan as well?

They did I think, but still wanted verbal consent, which I was unable to do at some points

Op

I am firmly of the belief that as a labouring woman you need to feel comfortable. So i have voted yanbu

However having read your posts there is a few things I wish to comment on.

I DO loose the ability to advocate for myself when in labour I loose the ability to speak because I go so far into me. Due to thia my dh was a good help to have around

I HATED being touched on labour and in my subsequent labour plans I had it stated clearly DO NOT TOUCH ME DO NOT DO A CHEERING SQUAD

I do agree it is anout what you need. However it is not just you that will become a parent hence you DO need to have this conversation with your dh. This doesn't mean your needs in labour are irrelevant it means you are doing your first joint parenting. His needs also need a voice. For example when will he meet his baby?

What if you need a csec can he be present there?

What if you need an emergency c sec can he hold baby

This is a joint discussion to have and it may be he will feel strongly he does want to be there. If so you as a pair have a lot of talking to do to ensure none of you end up feeling resentful

Its about creating a family so start as a family this can be done with or without dh present at the birth.

Ok so epidural is out of the question for medical reasons.

That means should something go wrong you'd need a general.

Where will husband be during your birth if not with you? If you have a general there will be a period of time where you will not be able to care for baby. Will be comfortable with baby being with midwives or would you rather with husband.

I get not wanting to keep friends on standby so we're back to the doula idea as you're paying them to be on standby.

How far along are you? I'm guessing start of second trimester from what you're saying?

You do need to speak to your OH though to come up with a plan together.

YANBU, you need to feel comfortable. That is more important than providing your husband with his dream birth-witnessing experience. Yes it’s special to see a baby being born but one of mine was born under general anaesthetic so neither me or her dad got to see, he got to hold her 10 minutes later and it was still pretty magical for him.

I think it’s worth discussing with him so you know what he feels about it in advance and can hash it out before you’re actually in labour. Also antenatal classes can be useful to get a feel for what birth is like and where partners can/can’t be supportive for different women.

My DH was irritating as hell during my first early labour (he meant well but stressed and fussed and flapped and like you I just want to be left alone when I’m like that and aaaargh) and I seriously considered banning him from the room the next time around. In the end I set out what I did and didn’t want from him and made it very clear what would NOT help me, and he was brilliant the second time around. That’s me, though, you need to work out what would help you and whether your husband’s up to it.

I've always been really insecure about my body, partner had never seen me fully naked and I was so nervous about knowing the lights would be so bright in hospital, laying there with my legs wide open, feeling so exposed but I could have never denied my partner being present in his child's birth. I ended up asking my mum to stay for the birth too. You don't have to be fully naked...I wore a long short sleeved top so my top half was covered and honestly once there I didn't care about the other end and what was seen by my partner and my mum. I was in so much pain, just wanted it to be over!

You have received many harsh responses here OP. However, you are arguing back to many suggestions bordering on rude. You are coming across as a tad dramatic and self centred. Of course, it is up to you who is in the Labour room with you. You need to do what is most comfortable for you. How do you definitely know that your husband won't advocate for you? He may surprise you and be an amazing birthing partner. You can't predict how anyone will react during labour. My DH regularly reflects on the births of his babies and I can't imagine ever denying him that shared experience. I'm completely body conscious.. Summer puts the fear of God in me and I was worried about being naked etc but in the end I didn't care a bit. All I was worried about was getting my babies out. I also go into my self and go completely quiet. When I was having my spinals for c sections the medical staff were trying to interact and reassure me but I stayed silent and couldn't chat to them. My husband knew this and was able to communicate on my behalf. After each epidural and spinal I reacted badly and couldn't hold my baby so the thought that they were in the arms of DH a rather than a stranger was very comforting. My DH also had strict instructions of what he had to do on my behalf or baby's behalf if anything were to go wrong and I was not in a conscious state to make decisions. People have suggested friends, family or a doula and you have shot everyone down. I hope you are not so defensive and challenging in real life as you might find no one will want to help or support you without fear of their heads being bitten off. I wish you all the best of luck and suggest you speak to your midwife to get some support.

I think the comfort of the woman who is giving birth is more important than the feelings of her DH. If having him there is going to increase your stress levels and leave you feeling unable to relax, then that could well have a negative effect on the birthing process.

I've given birth both with and without DH (lack of childcare for the older DC meant he needed to stay with them) and I don't personally think it's always necessary to have an advocate. I didn't have anyone else with me either (other than the MW) and I think there were advantages to only having myself to consider.

What I would say though is that there wasn't any screaming, crying, or nakedness involved in any of my births - unless you count the sheet being drawn back for the final pushing phase.

In your position I'd talk to DH and the professionals around you about your fears. Make sure you're in possession of as much information as possible before making your final decision.