To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

I’m assuming more posters on this thread would have given birth than not.

There’s a lot of concern for your general attitude op. I think you should take note of that.

A lot of friends who have given birth (I've had sections both times) required repair in theatre immediately after the birth. Sometimes under a general anesthetic, sometimes under spinal/epidural. For you, that would be a general. You'd be risking leaving your baby alone, apart from under the care of some overworked midwives, rather than your husband.

Whats really going on here? Is it fear of the birth? Is it marital issues and things already being strained? Because something isn't adding up.

I couldn’t have given birth without my partner, we did an online hypnobirthing course via the Positive Birth Company which was brilliant, gave him an idea of what to expect and what to do to support me, and he was amazing. I’d recommend the course and seeing if it’s something you’d both connect with.

Your body, your birth, you can choose whoever you want to be with you.

00 I haven’t ever said I want to banish him to within a ten mile radius! Just that I do think on the whole I’d be more comfortable and happier if he wasn’t present while I actually gave birth.

OP, I gave birth on my own - I'm single, so I didn't have a partner to think about anyway, and I opted not to have anyone else as a birthing partner because I preferred not to. It was fine for me and ultimately it's up to you.

The thing about giving birth is, ultimately it's a dance between the things you decide in advance that you want/don't want; and the way you may or may not change your mind about any or all of them at the time; and the ways in which circumstance may completely change everything and throw all your plans out the window anyway.

For example, if you'd asked me before I gave birth what I thought about the idea of doing it in stirrups, I'd have put that down as a hard no, and seen it as old fashioned and even rather barbaric. Yes, you've guessed it - I gave birth in stirrups. The midwife encouraged me to try, and it turned out to be right for me.

Similarly, you'll see lots of people talk about how their birth plan was to avoid various drugs, and then this changed - some are quite happy with that, and others are disappointed they didn't stick with what they originally intended. That's the sort of context where having an advocate may be helpful - someone who knows which bits are really important to you and can help you to navigate the changing waters of your birth experience. I respect that you feel your husband isn't that advocate, but you may find it helpful to have someone there, nevertheless - have you considered a doula?

It would also, as others have noted, probably be sensible to have your husband somewhere near at hand, in case of any emergencies.

Best of luck!

Thanks for your advice jelly but my attitude is fine.

Completely your choice. Everyone is different. That said, I thought I'd be self conscious with he nurses etc but it will amaze you how much you don't care once labour starts.

I think it's totally up to you, and clearly a very personal decision. Speak to your husband about it.

Having your partner in the room with you while you give birth is a relatively recent norm. when my sister was born thirty years ago men weren't in the labour room as a given, I remember my mum laughing that my sister had been born on the way to the birthing suite and my dad being squeamish.

OP speak to your DH, you need to be comfortable giving birth, it's not a spectator sport and he's not going to miss much anyway. you can talk about having him either waiting till the baby is born and then coming in, or he could promise to sit to the side and remain completely silent and leave you alone. Whatever works for you.

Good luck with the birth of your baby.

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

I was off my face on gas and air when I gave birth, to the point I remember feeling very 'drunk' and slurring my words - I lost the ability to speak and just went into a drunk like slumber. My DH was able to communicate for me when he knew things weren't quite right.

He was able to get help when I went to the loo and started bleeding, he was able to get help when I wanted to push but baby was stuck, he was able to tell them that I don't like an audience and would prefer to be covered with sheets, he was able to give them permission to do an episiotomy & forceps delivery to save me and our baby as I wasn't coherent or able to speak for myself.

I never wanted anyone by my DH there and I'm glad he was. I also find it odd that you wouldn't want to share that experience with your husband.

FWIW, I was never naked, I had a long vest top and bra on and my bottom half was covered with sheets anyway. However, I don't have any problem with my husband seeing me naked.

I don’t really have any strong feelings or preferences about the birth pertispan. Again I know some women do and I wish them all the luck but personally all I want is a healthy baby and as quick and pain free delivery as possible!

It’s your choice ( Covid permitting ) who you have at your birth . As others have said he can be there after . I’d discuss it with him - he may be disappointed but he may equally be delighted .

You have come onto MN to ask us Mums about whether you are being unreasonable about something, and then don't like it when people, who have experience of the thing you haven't done reply. We are just asking you to consider stuff.

Saying things like I don't want to be naked shows you don't know that you can wear as much clothing as you feel comfortable with. I was never naked.

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

I couldn't speak, gas and air through a contraction, then I could only say "water" because it dries your mouth out, after swishing water around my mouth and having a drink, I then promptly threw up into one of those disposable sick things, and rolled the next contraction so back on the gas and air. I did that for over an hour. So all I could get out was "water".

When my water birth labour went out the window right at the start when I gushed bright red blood and they thought I had placental abruption, Dh was the one who had to tell the midwives what I had wanted, he had the notes in his hand, I on the other hand was being attached to monitors and had a clip put onto the baby's head.

When they rushed me for an emergency c section when it really went wrong, Dh knew his role was to stay with the baby, no matter what happened to me.

We are just trying to show you that births don't go to plan and have you considered X, Y, Z? Welcome to AIBU where people can actually disagree with you.

aspoonful oh would just deflect to the medical professionals in such a scenario anyway.

I was exactly the same my ds dad was with me at the start but like you if I'm in pain or unwell I want to be left alone (or with trainer medical staff )

I asked him to leave when I was about 5cm dilated because I was worrying about him (and he was really annoying me!) and I couldn't focus or getting through labour while he was in the room.. so I did the rest on my own with a very lovely midwife and he came back in to the room when ds was born!

I completely get how you feel! We had dd 2 years later and she was so quick that he didn't have time to leave

I know sera but I’m not talking about what happens in the birth but OHs presence during it. That’s what is causing a lot of the arguments so can we move on from that? Because like I keep saying in a scenario where I need an “advocate” OH would just follow whatever the medics said.

I think your being very selfish not
Allowing your oh in to the room when you give birth!
And good luck the six week after giving birth when you are wearing nappies bigger than your baby going to bathroom painful
And you will be wondering why your oh is not helping you..
if he can't see you in pain giving birth to his child why should he be able to see you at home after birth in pain giving you all the help you need.
Very odd and selfish

Thanks carry

OP, I gave birth 13 and 11 years ago. If I had my way again, I wouldn’t have DH in there with me. Him being there held me back quite a bit during labour and giving birth. I just couldn’t relax properly with him around. Very often women soil themselves a bit during childbirth so I wish he hadn’t been there to see that. He has never mentioned anything about it of course and that wasn’t my worry at all, but still, I would have rather he hadn’t seen it. I was also throwing up with every contraction that I wish he wasn’t witness to.

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

@potatoesandonions, umm, yes, this does indeed happen!

Who gives a shit if the Ops husband sees her naked during sex its ridiculously different. Sorry you have been called odd. I didn't particularly want anyone there when I was going to give birth because when I am in agony I want to be by myself and try and process everything in my mind. Have you looked in to hypnobirthing OP might get you ready especially as there will be no distractions. I couldn't think of anything worse than someone mopping my brow and rubbing my back. However I didn't get the birth I want and was induced and I remember terrified with my mum driving me the hospital and I didn't want her to leave so God knows how I would have been with a natural birth. Could you tell your husband to be on stand by incase of emergency or would you still not want him there then? Either way you will be taken care of and how exciting that you get to meet you baby soon. Your body is doing the labour and it's a long hard slog so of course you get to decide the Conditions. Your husband can help you pack your bags and snacks and make you play lists and then be the first person to come and visit maybe you could let him pick the first outfit and make sure the midwife calls him straight after. so it's not like he will be left out. It is never anyone's right to be with you this is something you have got to do for yourself. But look at all the information regarding pain relief and about instrumental birth and caesarians maybe write a birth plan for example if it is decided your not progressing and intervention is rang you want a birthing partner called. Goodluck OP I hope everything goes smoothly and you have your lovely baby in your arms soon.

‘Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?‘

I think you do tbh. You lose perception, you also sometimes focus on stuff to try and get rid of the pain and many people don’t remember much because of this.

When you’re in the midst of agony you cannot think clearly.

You are able to do what you wish.

If it helps you don’t have to remove all your clothes, and can wear a t shirt or a nightie that’s covers you.

Also there is unlikely to be a medical member of staff with you all the time and from my three birthday there was definitely no flapping or concern - I had to ring the buzzer and wait quite a while for a reply at times ( I had a long time in hospital with 3rd child as I was induced).
Also as I was induced I was in a bay with 3 other women and partners all at different stages. I felt safer having my DH with me then rather than being at my most vulnerable with 3 other women and their male partners in the same room with just curtains!!

When I vomited all over myself, eventually a midwife came and passed me some cloths and a clean nightie out of my bag - and despite being wired up to several machines I had to sort myself out. It would have been helpful to have had a birth Partner in the room to help me at that time ( mine had gone to get some food and a coffee).

Also helpful to ask my DH to get me a new drink or food out of my bag as I had so many monitors and wires I could not get off the bed to reach things for myself. As I definitely did not have a midwife with me to do such things.

After birth it was helpful to have my DH straight away by my side as my dc had to be rushed straight after birth to SCUBU and I could not go - I was too ill and needed my own medical attention. Knowing my DH was with my baby helped as I myself went back into theatre. If you do not wish your DH to be at the birth, are you happy for your baby to be on their own in SCUBU or new natal ICU with decisions being made about their care when potentially you cannot be with them? I definitely did not have time to ring my DH up to say the baby is born and please can you see dc in SCUBU whilst I go to theatre and recovery.

You’ve had numerous people telling you it’s impossible to speak.

How can you agree or object to any medical intervention if you can’t speak?

Your dh would know your birth plan and would be able to say on your behalf.

Sixty years ago no one would think twice about your husband being elsewhere. Just because they are now allowed doesn't mean they have to be compulsory. You're the one doing the work. You get to choose.

Births not birthday!