To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

@potatoesandonions

I don’t give a fuck if I’m rude. Some of you are the rude ones. I wouldn’t dream of being rude to the midwives, they are actually there to help.

We're trying to help. By letting you know our experiences, we've actually given birth so know a bit if what to expect. And we're advising that an advocate is more than likely to be needed.

Just letting you know the realities.

So you can make an informed decision.

@FetchezLaVache

The midwife or doctors cannot sign who should be 'left to die' in an emergency.

Missed the sarcasm did you notacooldad?

I would have found someone rubbing my back/touching me incredibly annoying.

And no I don't think that you're public property, and I am mystified by people whose partners think the day was mystical and magical - it was nice to meet her but she didn't do that much, the actual process of her being born wasn't transformative, we've had many much more awesome parenting days since.

However, when you say he won't be an advocate, what do you mean? Will he sit in the corner and play on his phone and ignore you? If he's asked a question will he shrug?

I did a course with my husband which was v useful and explained all the things that could happen, the choices we might have to make. And I did a v detailed birth plan, basically with alternatives - if A happens I'd like to do B, if B isn't possible please try C, only if there's no other choice do D, that kind of thing.

Some of the v helpful things my DH did was fetch a midwife when I needed pain relief and couldn't have moved myself, and answer/clarified some of the questions about A B and C when I couldn't.

I was clothed the whole time, medical staff examined me but despite forceps episiotomy 3rd degree tear etc once I had the epidural I was happily chatting away, before that I had quite poor care, a bad reaction to the induction and needed him to call people, and at one point basically to hold me up. It wasn't about him being a great advocate so much as someone else being there. And then when I had to have stiches he was with the baby.

Its unusual, but its your choice, I think the main thing I would be concerned about is you making it and regretting it. You would want him to be there immediately afterwards I think, largely because the chances of you being taken away from the baby aren't small, just for a little while. But the idea birth is a spectator sport is odd, and I don't know why that is many posters' focus.

I can't relate to this at all, but I don't need to as it's your choice (however odd it seems!) good luck with the birth, do what you feel comfy with but also probably need to address some self esteem issues with your husband!

But it isn’t an option here 00, if it was the thread would be about something else IYSWIM.

@hammie46i the majority of women do have poo come out during birth and it’s absolutely normal.

Your latter comment about sex drying up too... if you’re with a man who doesn’t want sex with you after seeing you give birth, you’re better off!

I have never wanted a partner there giving birth. To me it feels like a fenale experience so prefered my sisters there. But i think OP shoiuld do what makes her comfortable about her body and this birthing experiencing. It is not the husband's right to be there.

It would also be beneficial to have someone to advocate if something goes wrong and you can’t make those decisions for yourself. Would you bring someone else apart from your husband?

It's your choice, no-one else's. It is important that YOU are the one wo feels comfortable and relaxed with the situation.

I had DH there, but wished I hadn't (and not only because he nearly fainted, the soft nowt!

Nope, I totally agree with you. Do what makes you feel comfortable, it’s your body.

OP would you feel better having your Mum/ sister with you ? You say your DH wouldn’t advocate for you if required but maybe they would ? Hopefully everything will be straightforward but just in case .
As far as nakedness is concerned, some people are naturally modest . My Mum once admitted to me ( after a few sherries ) that she and my Dad had never seen each other naked !

I can’t zippy, only one person allowed and there isn’t anyone else anyway.

Is there someone else you would prefer to have with you? I had 2 planned c sections and it made no difference to me that my husband was present. He didn't look at the operation site and was in a corner. He did enjoy holding the baby.

I think you would do well to discuss with the mental health midwife

Not because you want to birth alone but because you've obviously got anger issues and you have said yourself you don't give a fuck bla bla bla

I worry about bonding issues you'll have with the baby

Why isn’t an epidural an option?

Your personal wants or you can’t medically have one?

No one but thanks.

I think the first time you give birth it’s quite difficult to predict how you’ll feel during labour. It is painful, but the experience is not like other pain or illness. It’s up to you whether he’s there or not, but (assuming you are in a normal loving relationship), you may find during labour that you do want him there. It might be best to have an agreement with him that he comes with you to the hospital and then leaves if and when you want him to.

Have you considered online antenatal courses? Or natal hypnotherapy downloads?

Medical jelly, if it matters?

*it's very rare a woman will ask for her husband to not be there at the birth. It's an odd scenario
*
Only in this day and age. Previously fathers would never have been there. Apparently, my DH's dad was at work when he was born; he was a teacher and there was no paternity leave.

The replies to the OP really have been unnecessarily unkind.

Are you estranged from all friends and family?

Is this the root of it all? Are you blocking him out too?

hammie46i
I think men are best left out of the delivery room. That's the way it used to be for centuries...

Slavery, legal beating of your wife and selling your daughters was also done for centuries. Most stupid reason for suggesting something - because it was done for centuries...

I think posters would be more inclined to offer help if OP wasn't such an angry rage ball snapping at everyone. I think this is one of those occasions you massively overthink before having a baby to the point of complete irrationality.
It is your body, of course yanbu however, I needed my partner to support me throughout my child's birth and its made us 100 x closer than we even were for going through what is often a fairly traumatic process together.