To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

Have you spoken to your midwife about this if you feel you can/have a good rapport? They have seen and heard it all and I suspect they get asked things like this more often than people think. Also in recent times with covid I imagine more women have given birth unaccompanied by their chosen birth partner than usual and managed well. I personally wanted/had DP there which was a blessing with DC1 not so much for me I was off my face but discussions had to be had about baby being taken straight to special care following resus and I had been quite heavily medicated and couldn’t string a sentence together never mind anything sensible to I totally understand peoples comments about advocacy.

Have you questioned yourself as to why you are so uncomfortable being naked around your husband?

You say you are ok if he got a quick flash of you when you were in the bathroom and are ok having sex in a dark room.OP, this is really not (for want of a better word) 'normal'. I feel sorry for your DH too. It must be hard for him to be married to someone who struggles with this sort of intimacy. Do you think there is a cause?

You need counselling.
For so many things.

@potatoesandonions

Calling me odd is not supportive. I feel comfortable around him, I felt comfortable around my mum and dad, it doesn’t mean I want them there when I’m in agony naked and bleeding. That’s made me feel utter shit. So thanks.

I feel exactly the same way. I was there when my sister-in-law gave birth and she shit herself while birthing. There's absolutely no way I'd be doing that in front of my DP. No way. If I ever gave birth, it'd just be me and the midwife.

I also know of men who were traumatised by their children's' birth and men who have not been able to see their partner in a sexual light afterwards.

I think men are best left out of the delivery room. That's the way it used to be for centuries...

But rare and odd are different words with different connotations
^^
Yes, however in this situation that's all people are meaning by odd. It isn't the norm, so it's odd.
It is YOUR choice, and it sounds as though you've made up your mind. So I'd honestly leave this thread now, get a cup of tea and write down a very very thorough birth plan. If you're going it alone you need to allow for every single possible scenario. You won't necessarily be able to speak for yourself so you have to ensure your plan is to a tee. But also be aware that without somebody advocating for you, your plan could well fall out the window the second something changes.

My DH didn't see me scream or writhe around in pain during either of my labors or deliveries. It's not like the movies.

Opt for epidural early on and there won't be any pain. Your DH can stay away from the business end and if your delivery is anything like my second, the most amount of pain I had was the IV needle going into my arm.

Just talk to your husband for crying out loud, he deserves to know your concerns and you can make an agreement about what you think you'll need... it's not hard but if you don't communicate your concerns you risk ruining this for yourself.

OP I have given birth 5 times and I wasn't naked through any of those deliveries.

You won't have any knickers on granted but women usually wear a loose large t shirt or nightie to give birth in.

If your not comfortable having your OH there then I'd suggest telling him that now.

But be prepared to change your mind,you may feel completely differently once your in full blown labour and sometimes like a PP mentioned you do end up needing someone to speak up for you,if your exhausted or the pain is getting to bad for you it can effect your ability to communicate sufficiently.

@2155User

Never said the responses were irrelevant, as they are obviously relevant to the topic but I don't think OP ever imagined that people would come on here and call her selfish, neurotic, bizarre etc. just for asking advice on a PERSONAL problem.

If she'd have come in saying it was weird to have OH in the delivery room then maybe it would make sense for responses to be this rude and retaliatory but she didn't so I don't understand why people are abandoning any sense of empathy and understanding in favour of shaming her for something so personal.

All your reserve will go out of the window when you're off your tits on drugs and in agony believe me

I think my husband would have been very upset if I had banned him from seeing his child born. When you are in the midst of labour you are unlikely to care what you look like.

I think it is a bit sad that your husband will not get to experience the birth of his child with you, the person he loves. Is birth bloody and undignified, well yes. Before hand can you imagine lying with your legs open and people staring, no. Once in labour will you actually care, probably not. Having support while you go through it from the person you love most in the world is so important. Does my husband ever mention my deranged, sweaty bloody demeanour when I gave birth, no, he remembers I was a warrior and amazing, that is love.

@KeaBee

I think it's when people like me were sympathetic and understanding, but then you get the OP who is quite clearly only here for one answer and very argumentative.

Ignore the rude people. They'll be the ones coming on here later to say the intimacy with DH dried up after kids and they don't know why.

And childbirth is just a little thing isn’t it
Go on I'll bite
Why is child birth a little thing.
Ds had to be saved during his birt as the birth progressed there was more complications. I had to be saved.
I was I'll for a long time after and couldnt leave hospital for over 4 weeks.
I only went in to do ' a little thing's called giving birth.
Idiot!

@potatoesandonions

Poor husband?

Last I checked he wasn’t being sick several times a day, doesn’t feel like ants are crawling over his skin at night, doesn’t get unbearable headaches.

And childbirth is just a little thing isn’t it.

Honestly OP...leave the thread. I told you you'd be pilloried, entirely unjustly, and it isn't going to get better. Do whatever is best for you and your mental health. It's likely you'll find that none of this matters to you once it's happening and you do decide you want him there and if so, great, do it. But if you don't, then don't feel pressured out of fear of being a BAD WOMAN. I truly never heard of a man hating his wife forever because he wasn't in the delivery room and if I did, I'd think she was well shot of him. I don't believe for a second that a loving, caring, protective husband and engaged, loving father would do such a thing. Besides, since when are we supposed to agree to things we don't want and could be traumatic to us for fear our husbands will stop loving us? How fucked up is that?

Thank you hammie

An epidural isn’t an option so I can’t elicit for that.

In an emergency, surely the highly trained and experienced medical staff might be quite well-placed to make decisions on OP's behalf? My ExDH was an absolute rock during my labour, but that doesn't mean his views would have trumped those of the midwife had things gone awry.

Blimey op, you sound so spoilt.

I always believed that fetch! Must be wrong!

@hammie46i

How bizarre to write something like that.

Are you an adult? Or just normally very immature?

Spoilt because I would rather have a medical procedure private? I don’t bring OH into my smear tests after all and yes I know it is not the same that is why I asked here

You've had some quite unhelpful posts on here OP.

For what it's worth I understand in that when I'm poorly or in pain I just want to be left alone.

Personally I think it's your decision and I'd suggest you talk about it with your OH.

That said some things to consider.

Firstly you don't have to be naked. I wasn't - I had a comfortable loose nighty on and was "covered" for the Labour apart from checks from the midwife and the actual birth when my nighty was just pulled up.

Births rarely go according to plan and you could be in labour for hours with long periods where not a lot happens. It's only painful during the contractions and between them I was glad to have DH to chat to and get me a cup of tea!

Personally I had no issue with DH being there and he was down the business end for the birth, but in all honesty if he had stayed "topside" with me he wouldn't have seen much.

As I said I'd talk it through with your OH. We tend to assume that all men want to be there and in fairness I think most do, but not all. You need to see how big a deal it is to him to a degree, but ultimately I'm a firm believer that when it comes to birth it's up to the woman to decide how best to manage it.