Friend driving us up the walls.

[Brot64]

Read a somewhat similar post here last night but cannot find it, so cannot contribute or ask what needs asking.

I have been bombarded with messages, text and emails, from a friend of ours since 6am this morning. I always wake up at 5am so the issue is not the time, more the messages. It's all covid related, conspiracy based articles, PDF's anti vaccine re:covid, how our society is being hijacked, how the world is being reset, how wearing masks is causing ill health particularly dental, the list is endless, followed by numerous messages. He also knows my mother, who use to be a virologist but is now a neuropathologist though not here , and has bombarded her with numerous emails some in which he has stated that the work she did and does is a hoax particularly in relation to virology (she wrote numerous published articles and he seems to be very interested in).

As she has not been responding he asked me to forward and discuss a report with her, we didn't actually discuss it but to calm him (I know, terrible) I did say we have and it's all the same conspiracy view. I have been responding so might have fuelled this, however I have clearly stated that I am not interested in reading anymore of the articles.

DH suggests it's time to call quits on the friendship. We have been friends since university, and all was well until covid and his recent separation. I have very much enjoyed our friendship but now I dread hearing from him. We cannot seem to speak about anything else aside from this. Am I being insensitive here? If you wouldn’t end the friendship, what approach would you take considering that simply telling him, we have different views and I wouldn’t be reading anymore of these articles doesn’t seem to have any effect on him?

I would talk to the police, not to report him for criminal behaviour as such but because he sounds really unwell and he is clearly not going to get any help voluntarily. They're already aware of his irrational behaviour and there may be other people you don't know about (colleagues maybe?) who are equally concerned. They could have other reports about this. I would call them and tell them you're extreme concerned about his mental health.

Sounds very much like a,psychotic/manic/paranoid episode. They can go on for days, weeks, months or more. It will be difficult for him to seek help as he doesn’t think there’s anything awry...he thinks he’s seen the light.

I’d tell him that you’re going to block him but he’s welcome to get in touch when he can be sensible.

You need to stop engaging with him, for your own sake and for his.

@Brot64

Oh and we have yet again received an email on work email from him in response to the fuck off DH message saying: "Brot, simmer down. I imagine you are antsy with me. No need to involve the husband. You are not a child." Coffee?

He is for some reason trying to get you on your own. Please call the police 101 they will be able to give you useful information on what to do also it will help if you find at a later date you have to do 999.

I’m probably too nice but I’d want to reply properly one last time. I’d say something like:-

Dear friend

Whatever your arguments or evidence isn’t relevant at this point, your behaviour - messaging my mother 75 emails overnight with some frankly offensive and xenophobic comments, messaging me repeatedly about the same thing after I’ve asked you to stop mentioning that subject, and finally contacting me when I’d asked you not to - is not acceptable. This is not about the subject or content, this is about your actions. I am very concerned that you need support for your mental health, but that is up to you. Please do not contact me or any member of my family again. If you do I will consider it harassment and will contact the police. I hate that I’m having to send you this, but you’ve left me with no choice.

From @Brot64

That way at least you can show the police that you have been clear if he continues

Yes as his response was to work email and addressed to both me and DH, DH is calling 101 for advice. We haven't responded to last email. Which was a few minutes ago. I blocked him already from my private number hence he turned to work email so not engaging. He'd disappeared for a few hours but has now reappeared on email. He has no siblings so cannot contact anyway aside from parents and ex. I have contacted ex but as she said parents are aware but have no idea where he currently is. I am dreading the night as I am fearful he may turn up as he keeps insisting on coffee. I have been at this since 6am this morning and yes it may be my fault too as I responded but I couldn't have possibly foreseen this getting to this.

Considering the level he is harassing your dm and you, I think you should report him to police. His ex would probably be relieved someone other than her flagged his problems.

@Brot64

Yes as his response was to work email and addressed to both me and DH, DH is calling 101 for advice. We haven't responded to last email. Which was a few minutes ago. I blocked him already from my private number hence he turned to work email so not engaging. He'd disappeared for a few hours but has now reappeared on email. He has no siblings so cannot contact anyway aside from parents and ex. I have contacted ex but as she said parents are aware but have no idea where he currently is. I am dreading the night as I am fearful he may turn up as he keeps insisting on coffee. I have been at this since 6am this morning and yes it may be my fault too as I responded but I couldn't have possibly foreseen this getting to this.

None of this is your fault, Brot. As you say, you had no idea this was going to escalate; you had no idea about his ex; and he was a friend. 20/20 hindsight and all that.

Definitely not your fault at all. You couldn’t have foreseen that he was having some kind of breakdown.

I am dreading the night as I am fearful he may turn up as he keeps insisting on coffee.

If he does turn up, don't open your door under any circumstances, no matter what he says. Just call the police.

The problem with delusions is that the person truly believes it and thinks that you need to open your eyes. They are so sure that it is you that needs to change and it becomes all encompassing. That doesn’t make it your responsibility.

He does sound like he's having a bit of mental health crisis. Stressful times seem to make fertile ground for conspiracy theorists. They allow people to think that they are one of the special ones who have the real truth and that they must convert others as a way of validating themselves.

As others have said, block and ignore. Every response, however forcefull, makes him feel like he still has a chance to "enlighten" you.

I wouldn't engage with him any further at the moment, but I would ensure that if it is down to poor mental health and this is the result of mania or psychosis that you contact him in the future to check in if you feel able as severe mental illness is incredibly isolating and he is going to need his friends.

If he does turn up, don't open your door under any circumstances, no matter what he says. Just call the police.

I agree. 999 is the kindest thing to do as it sounds like he really needs help and they will be able to get him a mental health assessment and consider the mental health act.

No I wouldn't open the door. DH says he is prepared if he were to turn up, whatever that means. I have to say I have been extremely restless all day too and my entire day has been consumed with this, so barely concentrating on what DH is saying.

He seems more confident with this than I am. I fear mostly if there's any confrontation in front of DC's and I actually don't know now, that I think of it, what he is capable of, after all I thought I knew him so far but clearly I don't. We've had a 20 year friendship never would I have imagined it would come to this.

OP,
This is getting more disturbing than I originally thought. The guy sounds psychotic! Contact the MH team on his behalf and tell them you are concerned for his welfare.

I would gather evidence and then just block him without explanation, and then contact the professionals and the police if you are concerned for your safety.

Sending you sympathy OP. At the beginning of the pandemic I had a male friend who messaged me incessantly with scary stuff about Covid. The messages were becoming more and more violent (he was talking about wanting to smash in the faces of stupid people who weren't accepting the seriousness of the pandemic). Like your friend, he was someone intelligent I respected. I asked him to stop bombarding me with messages as I was suffering from increasingly severe anxiety. He disregarded my request and kept on messaging, so I blocked him. I found out he had been doing the same to other friends too.

In terms of belief he was at the opposite end of the spectrum to your ex-friend (because he was Covid-obsessed rather than being a Covid-denier), but it was the degree of obsession that made him scary, and his complete disregard for other people's feelings. It was like he had turned into a different person.

Your ex-friend sounds much more mentally disturbed than mine, but I do think that mental health issues at the moment are on the rise. Very sad. Take care of yourself.

At the moment it sounds as if, once a female friend has blocked him, he drops her and moves on to the next. So I would make sure you have alerted all female mutual acquaintances and then cease any contact whatsoever. No warning message, just complete silence.

Your mum should report him separately to the police. He doesn't 'know his rights', he's exploiting the fact everyone is being too kind-hearted to report him for harassment.

So DH responded to the last email. And said that we cannot have a constructive conversation on this topic as he's already reached conclusions. Also that he believes he needs some help as something must have triggered his extreme beliefs. This has to stop because he is going to contact the police and take matters further as this is harassment.

Response was:

My only view is that the facts pose questions and until the questions are answered I suspend my belief either way. What triggered me asking questions is my enquiring critical mind. Clearly you all struggle from the lack of critical thinking. A shame and a waste of that Ivy League education you both received. You are both sheep's following as many are without original thought. Call the police, I have done nothing wrong and I know my rights. What a friend you are Brot. Too incompetent to fight your own battle and having to involve your husband. Typical woman. Go ahead call the police.

Further:

As with any issue there will be truths and mistruths on either side - and the final analysis will be determined by the weight of truth on one side or the other - time will tell . You are unfortunately on the side of the mistruths and need to see the truth.

We are now receiving email after email on work email.

Yep, he's totally barking. Call the police, provide them with all emails and request a harassment order.

Not a very helpful response from the wife, from the sound of it. It would have been good if she could have alerted his friends to what was going on with him.

I think it sounds as if the only possible thing you can do is contact the police with the evidence of his harassment of not only yourself but also your mother, tell them how alarmed you are by his words and tone and ask them to speak to him and also to advise on the best way of getting him help.

Is he employed? I'd be concerned that a man in his condition could still be working and potentially making mistakes/ doing harm. He's clearly delusional and has lost critical faculties that may be important in his work and professional relationships. I'd want to let his employers know my concerns. They may be able to offer him access to private mental health support which may, sadly, be provided more quickly than NHS services.

Unless the police feel that he's a danger to himself or others, or unless he volunteers to go into A&E and have a psychiatric assessment, there may be nothing much else to be done. There are a lot of delusional people out there, encouraging each other to believe the most bizarre things.

If I were you I would warn all the other women I knew whom he might be targetting. Preemptive blocking may be the way to go. And ask your DH to deal with any further attempts at contact. Good luck.

I wouldn't engage any further - this needs police involvement now.

Hopefully your H is getting some help from 101.

Just block him on the work email. He sounds very unwell, but for your own sakes disengaging would be best IMO. In your shoes I don’t think I could maintain a friendship in the future even if he comes to his senses and apologises. His insults to you and your mother are simply too much to forgive (at least they would be for me, though you may be a better person than I am and would be prepared to forgive him).

What did the police advise?