Friend driving us up the walls.

[Brot64]

Read a somewhat similar post here last night but cannot find it, so cannot contribute or ask what needs asking.

I have been bombarded with messages, text and emails, from a friend of ours since 6am this morning. I always wake up at 5am so the issue is not the time, more the messages. It's all covid related, conspiracy based articles, PDF's anti vaccine re:covid, how our society is being hijacked, how the world is being reset, how wearing masks is causing ill health particularly dental, the list is endless, followed by numerous messages. He also knows my mother, who use to be a virologist but is now a neuropathologist though not here , and has bombarded her with numerous emails some in which he has stated that the work she did and does is a hoax particularly in relation to virology (she wrote numerous published articles and he seems to be very interested in).

As she has not been responding he asked me to forward and discuss a report with her, we didn't actually discuss it but to calm him (I know, terrible) I did say we have and it's all the same conspiracy view. I have been responding so might have fuelled this, however I have clearly stated that I am not interested in reading anymore of the articles.

DH suggests it's time to call quits on the friendship. We have been friends since university, and all was well until covid and his recent separation. I have very much enjoyed our friendship but now I dread hearing from him. We cannot seem to speak about anything else aside from this. Am I being insensitive here? If you wouldn’t end the friendship, what approach would you take considering that simply telling him, we have different views and I wouldn’t be reading anymore of these articles doesn’t seem to have any effect on him?

He needs help, I think calling the Police would be a kindness.

He's lost it hasn't he. I would make sure the police know all about him. He's beyond your help OP.

This is now harassment and he may well think he knows his rights. But he doesn’t. This bodes very badly for his divorce. He is basically a petardier!

Police absolutely

It sounds like he's getting worse

Contact the police about harassment and block him now.

You're in the UK - he has no rights to behave like this, its pure harassment.

Harassment is a course of conduct which the person knows - or should have reasonably known - to be unwelcome. This is clear cut behaviour.

Brot64 this sounds worse and worse with every update, he sounds as if he could be a danger to himself and others and needs some drastic mental health intervention. His ex wife sounds scared, she seems as if she doesn't feel he is safe to be around her or the children and has advised you to stay away from him.

I am glad your dh is phoning the police for advice, the more people who report his behaviour the better for everyone, including him. I would also inform the Police of what he has sent to your mother, appreciate she is in a different country but it is all part of the pattern of his extreme behaviour and his targeting of women.

I would also ask your mother to report his behaviour towards her to his work, the more people aware of his actions the more likely he is to receive the help he clearly desperately needs, although he will not believe he does.

I would not engage any further with him if I were you just block him on everything and report what has happened so far.

He needs to be committed/sectioned - for your safety, his ex's, and his.

This is not directed at the OP at all but its disappointing that in 2020 people are still describing people who are mentally unwell as 'nut jobs', 'barking' and 'unhinged'. Please remember that mental ill health does not discriminate- it could be you suffering from psychosis in the future and is that how you'd want people describing you when unwell?

DH waiting to speak to someone on 101. I don't want to come across as insensitive or unreasonable but I never in a million years would have predicted this. As I said I have known this person for 20 years and there were good years. No indication whatsoever about anything remotely close to this. I have welcomed him into my home many times and I have DC's without a care or worry. I cannot imagine that my judgement has been so wrong for so long. I am at my wits end and I know I sound repetitive but the shock has not worn off yet.

My DH isn't too communicative about this aside from saying he will sort it out (he is the very logical and unemotional type) hence my numerous messages here. A friend that I relayed the day to has said I should consider his MH and I am but I am now also worried about my own safety and that of my family. I was thinking clearly during the day but now am just ranting because I am totally drained. Blocked on personal phone, he found a way to contact us through work email. We also have work phones although he hasn't contacted us there yet. As a business we also have a website and twitter and every ping on my phone is making me jumpy, because am worried it might be him. Hoping 101 has some form of rational advice as I have clearly handled this wrongly.

You haven't handled it wrong OP. He sounds really unwell and he'd act like this regardless. You're doing 100% the right thing calling the police.

OP. Do not engage any further with him. I believe that for something to be classed as harassment, there needs to be several pieces of communication, clearly you have more than that.

Block his email address, block him on all phones and any social media and do not engage with him in any way.

Report him to 101 for harassment. I know he was a friend, but he is clearly delusional now and you need to put yourself and your family first, as his XH is clearly doing.

There are people like him on the local CV page, flat earthers, everyone is out to get them, abusing anyone who dares to say that you should wear a mask, or stay home or whatever. They rant on about how the government is controlling everyone and that CV does not exist and it is all made up, blah blah blah. They attack anyone who does not agree with them.

This sounds like psychosis, and very similar to a friend of mine from my uni days. Completely lost in his own world. His family have tried to get him sectioned multiple times but as he hasn't harmed himself or anybody else (yet) there's nothing they can do, apparently. Meanwhile he's existing in an alternate universe where the government are spying on him and rearranging his furniture every time he leaves his flat. He also has a thing against French people, they are to blame. It's really sad.

Hopefully the police will be able to do something.

I work in the mental health field, and it sounds like he is having a psychotic episode, which can lie latent and then be brought on by severe stress - like a pandemic, for example. If it is a psychotic episode, then he will have vacated reason entirely, and I'm hoping that there will be someone insightful enough in the police force who will recognise that the sooner he gets help, the sooner this will be de-escalated.

I don´t think your judgement of him has been wrong all these years. He is obviously very sick at the moment. It doesn't mean he has been sick for all these years, just that he is now.

You haven’t done anything wrong OP

Yes he is employed in a top tier legal firm and is a partner there. I know a few people from that firm that I haven't communicated with for years. I stopped practicing a few years ago and switched careers to start our business. I could contact some via LinkedIn I guess to ask but DH believes we are beyond asking and next approach is the authorities. He is on the phone as we speak with 101.

I don’t think it’s your place to contact his employer or colleagues as it will likely ramp up any animosity towards you.

I cannot imagine that my judgement has been so wrong for so long. I am at my wits end and I know I sound repetitive but the shock has not worn off yet

The man is very likely to be mentally ill. You wouldn't blame him and write off 20 good years of friendship if he had a stroke or a head injury or early onset dementia or a brain tumour that changed his personality and made him difficult and disagreeable and this is the equivalent to that. He's not a horrible person who's hidden this side of himself from you, he is ill.

I'm now looking at you slightly differently. Mental illness doesn't make anyone a bad person. It's an illness. 25% of the population will suffer mental illness or neurological problems at some time in their life. Could be your partner, your children, your parents, even you. Doesn't make you a bad person.

@GingerAndTheBiscuits this is my exact fear that if I affected his work he would get even worse and totally retaliate. Hence I previously said that I was reluctant to call the police but we have no choice. Between my DH waiting on 101 and me writing here the last few minutes we have received numerous emails already.

It's highly likely his work know he is unwell right now. He may even be on gardening leave and he has chosen not to tell anyone.

I don’t think you’ve been wrong about him all these years either...what a strange thing to say. He’s clearly having a mental health breakdown which I agree is hard going to be on the receiving end of as you have been...but I doubt he’s been harbouring this facet of his personality from you. I think this is new.

@Brot64

DH waiting to speak to someone on 101. I don't want to come across as insensitive or unreasonable but I never in a million years would have predicted this. As I said I have known this person for 20 years and there were good years. No indication whatsoever about anything remotely close to this. I have welcomed him into my home many times and I have DC's without a care or worry. I cannot imagine that my judgement has been so wrong for so long. I am at my wits end and I know I sound repetitive but the shock has not worn off yet.

My DH isn't too communicative about this aside from saying he will sort it out (he is the very logical and unemotional type) hence my numerous messages here. A friend that I relayed the day to has said I should consider his MH and I am but I am now also worried about my own safety and that of my family. I was thinking clearly during the day but now am just ranting because I am totally drained. Blocked on personal phone, he found a way to contact us through work email. We also have work phones although he hasn't contacted us there yet. As a business we also have a website and twitter and every ping on my phone is making me jumpy, because am worried it might be him. Hoping 101 has some form of rational advice as I have clearly handled this wrongly.

Oh Brot64 you haven't handled this wrongly you did what you thought was in the best interests of someone you have had a good friendship with for 20 years, there is no way you could have foreseen this, you are not a bad judge of character.

You are considering his mental health, he needs help. However, you have to put you, your husband and children and their mental health, well being and safety first.

I do think you need to go down the reporting for harassment or possibly malicious communication route as you do have a business and his posting on any of your business social media sites could have a very detrimental impact on your business.

Well this escalated quickly.
Gives me shivers
The kind of thing you read about
Would hate to be the receiving end of such behaviour
Stay safe op

@Shedbuilder I am not looking at him differently I am questioning my judgement based on today's events. I have been very clear that I didn't want to involve any authorities and in fact I didn't even want to block him or end our friendship. I am very aware of MH issues and have never been judgemental to people who suffer from them because I am aware that it can happen to myself or anyone I know.

I am simply restless, anxious and worried for him, my family and myself. If I didn't care about him and our friendship I wouldn't have gone out of my way to understand what or how this started nor would I care how it would affect our friendship.