Friend driving us up the walls.

[Brot64]

Read a somewhat similar post here last night but cannot find it, so cannot contribute or ask what needs asking.

I have been bombarded with messages, text and emails, from a friend of ours since 6am this morning. I always wake up at 5am so the issue is not the time, more the messages. It's all covid related, conspiracy based articles, PDF's anti vaccine re:covid, how our society is being hijacked, how the world is being reset, how wearing masks is causing ill health particularly dental, the list is endless, followed by numerous messages. He also knows my mother, who use to be a virologist but is now a neuropathologist though not here , and has bombarded her with numerous emails some in which he has stated that the work she did and does is a hoax particularly in relation to virology (she wrote numerous published articles and he seems to be very interested in).

As she has not been responding he asked me to forward and discuss a report with her, we didn't actually discuss it but to calm him (I know, terrible) I did say we have and it's all the same conspiracy view. I have been responding so might have fuelled this, however I have clearly stated that I am not interested in reading anymore of the articles.

DH suggests it's time to call quits on the friendship. We have been friends since university, and all was well until covid and his recent separation. I have very much enjoyed our friendship but now I dread hearing from him. We cannot seem to speak about anything else aside from this. Am I being insensitive here? If you wouldn’t end the friendship, what approach would you take considering that simply telling him, we have different views and I wouldn’t be reading anymore of these articles doesn’t seem to have any effect on him?

Bloody hell.

I would be angry if someone spoke to me like that. How dare they!

Sounds a bit like when my lovely brother had his first manic episode

It also reminds me of a dear friend's manic thought processes.

I feel really sorry for him actually.

I do think there would have been fewer adherents to conspiracy theories, if the US and UK governments had been up to scratch and given some proper leadership.

Sometimes we imagine that governments' actions or lack of action is part of a clever secret plan when in fact it is just plain incompetence.

How about a coffee this afternoon to discuss this issue further. Blocking someone who is trying to have a constructive conversation with you on a topic that is very current and that affects us directly is very juvenile Brot. What does (inserted DH's name) think about your limiting beliefs? Very disappointing reaction from both your mother and yourself. You are an educated woman, wake up. Let me know about coffee.

You know that this is straight-up abusive and controlling behaviour, right? You owe this man absolutely nothing.

It's pure emotional manipulation: You're juvenile... he's disappointed in you... what would your DH say if he knew about your behaviour... he's only trying to be constructive!

e is in a profession that would be significantly affected by any police report. He would also have to answer to a professional body etc if it went any further. Hence although many have advice to contact the police, I am reluctant to do so and will only do this as a last resort.

Would a welfare check - if the local police would do one -result in any of that? Might be worth asking if you do need to talk to the police though I agree it's not your job to protect him from the consquences of his behavior.

Also, please don't respond and say "Don't contact me again, I don't wish to talk to you"

Just block him altogether, or redirect his texts / emails to another folder (and ignore that folder) if you can't bring yourself to block him. Responding to him in any way at all will just feed his drama and conspiracy theories. It won't help him.

Block and ignore

Mental health nurse here. I would agree that he sounds unwell. Oddly my brother had a 'friend' who became similarly unwell last year and started to become increasingly agitated and harassing in her behaviour towards him (constant messages / phone calls day and night telling him she knows what he's been doing etc, sending bizarre pictures etc). In the end he had to report to the police as she was just stalking him in the end, and getting quite threatening in her tone. He was surprised by helpful they were and they 'had a word' with her to stop contacting him, and also raised a concern about her mental health to professionals, as they agreed she was clearly unwell. It seems to have helped resolve the harassment of him, and hopefully she also got the help she needs. So don't rule it out as option. It may help him in the long run (although no doubt he won't thank you for it).

Ex couldn't speak hence waiting for 5pm. I have contacted 3 mutual friends who we also went to university with to ask if they have received any unusual messages from him. One female one's response was to immediately , block him. She has had numerous texts and emails from him including threats when she rejected his ideas regarding the same topic. Another friend, male, has been in touch with him but has heard nothing of these theories from him.

We have heard nothing from him since DH's "fuck off" message. Yes if he did turn up at my door I would call the police. I am beyond stressed over this and have managed to do absolutely nothing for the entire day, as it is, so I hope he has cooled off. Still awaiting response from other friend. DH has been clear that if he were to write again, he will call him and if that conversation fails report it to the police.

I have contacted 3 mutual friends who we also went to university with to ask if they have received any unusual messages from him. One female one's response was to immediately , block him. She has had numerous texts and emails from him including threats when she rejected his ideas regarding the same topic. Another friend, male, has been in touch with him but has heard nothing of these theories from him.

This is even more alarming to me. Is he purposefully harassing/attacking only women? You, your mother, your female friend. This only gets worse with every update.

I can understand how it's eaten up your day. I've learned that it's often the signal that something of a mental health nature is going on.

You can get sucked into the drama of it if you're not careful. If you can step back and respond with your head, not your heart, it can help you stay balanced. There's nothing you can do for your friend except get the professionals involved. I hope he can get the help he needs quickly.

Considering he went to university, I’m shocked at his batshittery to be honest. At university you learn the art of critical thought, analysis and proper research using reliable sources.

The fact that he believes these theories shows a distinct lack of critical thought and logical reasoning on his part, not yours.

These people are not very well. Psychology says conspiracy theorists believe in order to manage their own fear of the unknown, they seek answers and become totally irrational in the process.

Just tell him you do not wish to communicate with him anymore and you will consider your re instating your friendship when he comes to his senses. Block him.

@Aquamarine1029

I have contacted 3 mutual friends who we also went to university with to ask if they have received any unusual messages from him. One female one's response was to immediately , block him. She has had numerous texts and emails from him including threats when she rejected his ideas regarding the same topic. Another friend, male, has been in touch with him but has heard nothing of these theories from him.

This is even more alarming to me. Is he purposefully harassing/attacking only women? You, your mother, your female friend. This only gets worse with every update.

Yes this is what leaped out at me. It will be interesting to hear what his Ex says. You stay safe, OP. 🌹

@Brot64 he’s only listening to men. There’s your next red flag. He’s respecting their boundaries but not women’s because he likely thinks women “have to be saved” or shouldn’t challenge him. Now that his ex is gone he’s probably working down the line of his female friends. I’d warn all your friendship group, especially the women so they can get ahead of this.

@Clumsyvolcano

Considering he went to university, I’m shocked at his batshittery to be honest. At university you learn the art of critical thought, analysis and proper research using reliable sources.

The fact that he believes these theories shows a distinct lack of critical thought and logical reasoning on his part, not yours.

These people are not very well. Psychology says conspiracy theorists believe in order to manage their own fear of the unknown, they seek answers and become totally irrational in the process.

Just tell him you do not wish to communicate with him anymore and you will consider your re instating your friendship when he comes to his senses. Block him.

@Clumsyvolcano a lot of nut jobs went to university or had higher education including the crazy people who vote(d) for Trump/Johnson or believe in QAnon and Pizzagate conspiracy theories. It’s a certain personality type that believes in unprovable conspiracy theories, usually when they’re scared of the world or of losing power or their place in the world.

[quote JingsMahBucket]@Brot64 he’s only listening to men. There’s your next red flag. He’s respecting their boundaries but not women’s because he likely thinks women “have to be saved” or shouldn’t challenge him. Now that his ex is gone he’s probably working down the line of his female friends. I’d warn all your friendship group, especially the women so they can get ahead of this.[/quote]
Spot on. I know a couple of men like this and, yes, it is always women that bear the brunt of their mental health issues.

His tone mirrors that of my older brother who has long term and rather severe mental health issues. He’s a rants, patronising, demanding, arrogant, persistent conspiracy theorist too. Well, I say ‘conspiracy’ but in truth when my brother is well he applies logic and intelligence to his thoughts and appears plausible ...when he’s unwell he becomes fixated and increasingly florid in his accounts. I have had to have the police remove him from outside my house more than once. He can seem very threatening when he’s in full flow. I’m sympathetic because I know he’s not fully in control...but I don’t put up with his shit either.
We actually have a good relationship and a thorough understanding of one another...but yeah I don’t hesitate to sack him off when he starts. As I’m his sister I can call his mental health team and leave it with them, which I always do. If he wasn’t my brother I’d tell him to go and sort his crap out and come back when he can behave.

I think speak to the ex by all means, it sounds like you have a good relationship with her, but you should also contact his parents. Please don't leave it as the ex's problem to solve (I don't mean that you'd do this nastily, but he's not her problem any more). He sounds like an utter nightmare.

@JingsMahBucket yes, quite, although I would think also most graduates would have the intellectual ability to understand whether something adds up or not. I’m maybe a bit naive.

The amount of times I have been called ‘thick’ for giving perfectly rational and logical replies to conspiracy theories is Unbelieveable, all while they are posting their nonsense that anyone with half a brain cell knows doesn’t make sense and passing it off as ‘’evidence’’ and telling me to wake up

There is no reasoning with these people, they will hopefully realise just how silly they are one day.

I do not know re: the women aspect however I am suspecting the same and DH has mentioned the same particularly as he stopped immediately DH responded from work email. My mother has forwarded me all emails she received they are actually not 69 but 75!! Last one at 6.35am this morning. So I assume he did not sleep because clearly after he was done with her he started on me. I am going through them as we speak and will keep them if this goes any further for evidence purposes.

They are shocking and very worrying, he has gone so far as accusing my mother of having a typical German Hitler indoctrinated mentality in her research. He has compared her to Kurt Heissmeyer for gods sakes!! Mother is German so I guess he's drawing from that which is insane. He has also mentioned on one of the emails that we are elitists (me included) and we are the problem. We are not elitists by any means. This is apparently why we see no other view except mainstream media views. We are small minded and her research is questionable to say the least, particularly in virology. My mother extensively researched the HIV virus and produced several papers on this years ago. He attached a few, highlighted and commented on somethings she wrote and not in an objective manner. Mind you this is someone with no medical background at all.

He has been to university, we were there together in the US and this was one of the top US universities. He has a masters and additional professional qualifications. This has nothing to do with the level of education he has or has not received. I do not know what or how this started. Will be calling the ex shortly as it's past 5pm.

This isn't an issue with intelligence, graduates can also become mentally ill or abusive.

He does sound ill paranoid. Maybe you should ask him to get some help, but he probably won’t listen. I would get the police if he carries on it’s not right him harassing you to that level and your mum!

He is ill. Hopefully speaking to your ex may mean you have some way of raising this either to a MH team or failing that the police.

They have DC they need protecting.

You have plenty of evidence to show that he is far far far from ok.

You must be stressed!!!

I once got a ranting, threatening, patronising email from a male friend (like your bloke, he was 'disappointed' in me). I forwarded it straight to DH, who responded to politely tell him to fuck off. This guy then responded to DH with a calm, rational email, the model of politeness.

Yet people told me "Oh poor [X], he's not himself, he's very stressed at the moment...."

Bollocks. He was capable of controlling himself when he felt it was needed. These men do pick and choose who to direct their bile at, and women are easier targets unfortunately.

I work in mental health and would also think he was unwell. I'd call the amhp hub for advice, but idk how easy that is to do as a member of the public rather than as a fellow practitioner asking for info. He does sound like he should be assessed though. And his having a professional body to answer to shouldn't change anything about what you do next. Anyone can become ill and he is impacting on others, those are good reasons for someone to have a chat and see if he needs some help.

@Brot64 he may not even actively or consciously believe that regarding women but it may be a subconscious feeling he's acting on. He may not be aware that he's targeting only women. I wonder what would happen when you point that out to him or if your husband points it out to him?

(I'm not saying you should but it would be an interesting experiment to see his reaction. He'd probably continue on saying you're trying to avoid questioning and are being reverse-sexist, blah blah blah. Also, he might bring up his ex and their secret separation.)