Friend driving us up the walls.

[Brot64]

Read a somewhat similar post here last night but cannot find it, so cannot contribute or ask what needs asking.

I have been bombarded with messages, text and emails, from a friend of ours since 6am this morning. I always wake up at 5am so the issue is not the time, more the messages. It's all covid related, conspiracy based articles, PDF's anti vaccine re:covid, how our society is being hijacked, how the world is being reset, how wearing masks is causing ill health particularly dental, the list is endless, followed by numerous messages. He also knows my mother, who use to be a virologist but is now a neuropathologist though not here , and has bombarded her with numerous emails some in which he has stated that the work she did and does is a hoax particularly in relation to virology (she wrote numerous published articles and he seems to be very interested in).

As she has not been responding he asked me to forward and discuss a report with her, we didn't actually discuss it but to calm him (I know, terrible) I did say we have and it's all the same conspiracy view. I have been responding so might have fuelled this, however I have clearly stated that I am not interested in reading anymore of the articles.

DH suggests it's time to call quits on the friendship. We have been friends since university, and all was well until covid and his recent separation. I have very much enjoyed our friendship but now I dread hearing from him. We cannot seem to speak about anything else aside from this. Am I being insensitive here? If you wouldn’t end the friendship, what approach would you take considering that simply telling him, we have different views and I wouldn’t be reading anymore of these articles doesn’t seem to have any effect on him?

The pandemic has had this effect on a lot of people. I know one guy who lives alone and has spent the past few months posting conspiracy theories about Covid, 5g, masks etc. His family got very worried but I don’t know what happened.
My best friends husband has been similar. They’ve had a couple of really bad rows about it, but since the lockdown eased he seems to be coming out of it.
Your friend has gone so much further. I agree that the police is a good call...I hope he gets some help.

It's not that you've got him wrong all these years OP, he's clearly in the midst of an acute psychotic episode and while that makes me feel sorry for him it doesn't mean you shouldn't do everything you can to stop this harassment.

The "typical women" comment is troubling because it shows that at least subconsciously he is harassing females in particular and that means you're more likely to be the target of his harassment than your DH even if he would like to deal with it himself.

You have now clearly stated (I think) that you do not wish to have any contact from him on any platform at all. Now that's done you need to tell the police you've said that and going forward they can issue a PIN notice, probably do a welfare check at the same time, and then he can be dealt with by law. I suspect because he is in an acute episode he may well just refocus on someone else when he sees the police are involved when he contacts you, but because of the chance he pursues this as a bit of a vendetta you need to do everything by the book and keep the police informed.

Agree with others contacting other people or his work is above your pay grade on this and your focus should be on extracting yourself and your family from the situation as quickly as possible with as little fuss as possible. Don't give him ammunition by talking to other people like his work about it.

Poor you

Mental illness doesn't make you a bad person - but it can cause you to do bad things. OP has done nothing wrong here and she's right to want to defend herself from someone who is thinking irrationally and harrassing her and her family.

I think there's a lot of people under huge amounts of stress which might trigger or exacerbate mental illness at the moment - add that to a culture of conspiracy theorists online and general political rumblings, and you end up with this. You're doing the right thing getting the police involved - at best he's being a horrible person who refuses to respect your boundaries and at worst, he's very ill and needs help (and you need to be wary).

OP, he is having a psychotic or manic episode. He has no insight into his behaviour.

Is there someone (his parents) who can take him to A&E and take it from there?

If not can you call the Police?

He needs some help.

Jeez, I think I have gone bonkers after reading all your posts! Just ignore him. My head hurts now, I need a lie down

@HellonHeels

Mental illness doesn't make you a bad person - but it can cause you to do bad things. OP has done nothing wrong here and she's right to want to defend herself from someone who is thinking irrationally and harrassing her and her family.

This. Awful to try and make out she's being unkind when she's been frightened and her mother has been harassed too. You've done nothing wrong OP, in fact you handled this with as much kindness as you could until you understandably felt unsettled and unsafe.

You have done the right thing he is clearly unwell and flagging his harassment of you and your DM up to the police is the best thing for both him and you - plus his Ex and DC.

At some point he will do something and be arrested and extra background reports like this will be helpful to them.

Honestly, you haven't done anything wrong nor have you misjudged him in all likelihood. Mental illness - a psychotic episode - quite literally means that sane people become utterly bonkers. He is in the grip of delusions right now and nothing you have said or done has caused that or exacerbated it.

I think this is getting out of hand now and I'm now going to bow out.

This man hasn't made any threats. While I support the OP in reporting feeling threatened, and he has harassed you by continuing to make contact after being asked not to, he hasn't threatened you or your family. I hope he gets the help he needs.

If I was a senior partner in his law firm I would certainly appreciate whoever gave me the heads-up on this. It could get very expensive for them.

Is there someone (his parents) who can take him to A&E and take it from there?

He doesn't believe he is unwell. He won't voluntarily go to A&E.

DH has spoken to 101. We have to keep a record of every single communication we received and might receive from him going forwards including any to my mother. We cannot have him sectioned as we are merely friends. He has not been to our premises as they put it, so we essentially cannot call 999 or rather we can but nothing much can be done. We also don’t have any idea where he is, so cannot claim it’s an imminent threat. We have been advised to stop engaging, report it as harassment as this will trigger a report and the police may take it from there and there will be a record. They couldn’t or wouldn’t make us aware of any previous complaints about him even though DH mentioned that his Ex had him taken away from their home. So I guess we have to wait and see if he turns up at our home or escalates this further before some action is taken.

Has anyone spoken to his GP?

Hoping that the police have taken this seriously.

He is clearly very angry with women.

Also clearly psychotic. You couldn't have seen this coming, but the only thing I would have done differently is to have told him to fuck off after the first half hour of bombardment.

However, I have experienced the narcissistic rage of my exH so I have no qualms at all about punting people into the middle of next week when the occasion calls for it

Please do your utmost to support his exWife. It will be incredibly hard for her to divorce a partner in a law firm and keep her children safe. He has apparently been able to function at work and will undoubtedly be able to present himself as a rational and reasonable man in family court. And sorry to say this, but judges are inclined to think well of lawyers standing before them as plaintiffs and respondents in divorce cases. He enjoys a significant advantage over his wife unless she is a lawyer too.

If you really want to help her, try to get this man arrested and sectioned.

Let your DH use the nuclear option. You have no obligation to save this man's career. Doing so may mean jeopardising his children's safety.

@mathanxiety

Hoping that the police have taken this seriously.

He is clearly very angry with women.

Also clearly psychotic. You couldn't have seen this coming, but the only thing I would have done differently is to have told him to fuck off after the first half hour of bombardment.

However, I have experienced the narcissistic rage of my exH so I have no qualms at all about punting people into the middle of next week when the occasion calls for it

Please do your utmost to support his exWife. It will be incredibly hard for her to divorce a partner in a law firm and keep her children safe. He has apparently been able to function at work and will undoubtedly be able to present himself as a rational and reasonable man in family court. And sorry to say this, but judges are inclined to think well of lawyers standing before them as plaintiffs and respondents in divorce cases. He enjoys a significant advantage over his wife unless she is a lawyer too.

If you really want to help her, try to get this man arrested and sectioned.

Let your DH use the nuclear option. You have no obligation to save this man's career. Doing so may mean jeopardising his children's safety.

The op can’t get him sectioned.

She needs to do what the police told her DH to do and let the due process take its course.

The ex is not a lawyer, but i believe she can afford a good lawyer. She also didn't want to converse any further about him. The conversation was uncomfortable as it is. I doubt she wants help from me. Honestly I don't even know if I can help her as am trying to wrap my mind around all this. It's all been so quick.

She clearly told me she cannot focus on Ex, she cannot help him, she doesn't believe anyone can because he doesn't believe he has a problem and she wants to focus on her children. She also told me to keep away from him and wished me all the best with it all.

I think you've done the right thing tonight. Make yourself feel safe, check doors and windows and go to bed with work phones off.

Well done OP. For what it's worth you have done all for him now that I reasonably think you can do (asked him to get help, and mentioned your concerns to the police in the hope they can get him some help). Now you need to focus on protecting yourself. Do not engage at all in any further communications. Block him on any platform you can. He'll probably keep messaging for a while by any means he can but hopefully if you ignore the messages he'll back off a bit, but keep a record of any communications received. I hope you manage to get some rest later.

I cannot imagine that my judgement has been so wrong for so long. I am at my wits end and I know I sound repetitive but the shock has not worn off yet.

Your judgement is not the issue.

The man is unwell. He is in the grip of a mental health crisis, triggered somehow by the stress of the pandemic.

His ex is correct. Do not engage, report and then put him out of your mind.

I doubt he is a danger to you or your family. He will move on to another person to fixate on. Hopefully the police will intervene and his mental health crisis will be recognised.

I have welcomed him into my home many times and I have DC's without a care or worry. I cannot imagine that my judgement has been so wrong for so long.

Your judgement was never wrong. As alarmed as I am for you, my heart breaks for this man. He is clearly in the midst of an extreme mental health crisis that no one can get him out of unless he receives professional care.

I'm so sorry about all this, op. What a horrible thing to have to deal with.

Take her advice I’d say.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped so don’t feel guilty. Being his friend doesn’t equate entertaining this intense fixation that has developed and been directed at you. His behaviour is intolerable.

I also agree he’ll turn this on someone else when he fails to engage you any further. There is nothing you can do about him.

Do as the Police say and make a report about the harassment now, keep the records as they have advised, the Police can do nothing without you officially reporting it and being prepared to follow through with it. They legally cannot tell you if there have been other complaints made about him, there may well have been and reports from you will trigger further action.

Regarding his work, they do have a duty of care to their employees and if one of them is suffering from a mental breakdown as he appears to be they should be made aware, which is why I think your mother should contact them about the number and content of the e-mails she has received from him.

If he does start to target your business social media you will need to report to his employers yourselves and also take further action against him possibly both civil and criminal.

He has a right to his opinion but he has no right to harass and attempt to intimidate you or your mother.

Don't beat yourself up or question your judgement. A similar thing happened to me with a close friend who had a complete mental breakdown after his wife left him.

A previously lovely, intelligent, balanced and caring, gentle man turned into a paranoid, aggressive, delusional person who made absolutely no sense most of the time.

He had several suicide attempts and was sectioned and also voluntarily admitted to a psychiatric unit at least twice. He unfortunately also tried to self Medicare with alcohol that turned into full blown alcoholism which eventually killed him.

Your or my judgement wasn't off. These men are who we think they are. It's the illness that takes them away / changes them beyond recognition

I'm sorry op, this sounds horrendous and much like my dbrother 25 years ago when he was at the start of a full psychotic breakdown, he is now diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Disengage from him completely, not one single reply from now on, he won't be able to help himself from responding. It's up to you how responsible you feel for trying to get him some help, realistically that falls to his family so don't feel guilty.