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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this girl at dd party

277 replies

XiCi · 09/08/2020 11:02

Dd is 9. One of her friendship group from school has been quite nasty to her online and via text during lockdown. Pressurising dd to give her her pets on Roblox, texting her and calling her a bitch when dd refused, threatening her saying her mum was going to batter her if she didnt do as she asked. After this they stopped communicating however dd sent a little text a few weeks later saying its friendship day shall we just be friends again and got a one word NO in reply. Its dds birthday next week and I'm just having a few girls over to play in the garden. This girl has found about about this and has now started texting dd asking if she can come and saying they can be friends again. Dd is a bit conflicted, she thinks she only wants to be her friend because of the party but hasnt got a nasty bone in her body and I think her default would be to just let her come. This girl is trying to video call her all the time for an invite. MIL thinks that all young girls have fallings out like this and I should just invite her. AIBU to not want this girl in my house after i saw how upset she made my dd. I dont know whether I'm just being over protective.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 09/08/2020 15:45

Of course don't invite her to the party.

9 is way too young for a phone especially unsupervised. Lots of bullies, weirdos, and predators out there.

I'd be concerned that the girl may be abused somehow at home.

Thurmanmurman · 09/08/2020 15:47

Nope. I'd be teaching my DD to stand up for herself too.

Cam2020 · 09/08/2020 16:10

She doesn't deserve an invitation. She might learn something from being left out.

I hkwp your daughter has aovely birthday, she's nicer than that girl deserves.

orangeblosssom · 09/08/2020 17:23

It's your daughter's birthday. Make it fun and relaxing for her. Don't invite her frenemy.

LoeliaPonsonby · 09/08/2020 17:24

I also would not use Covid as an out. I’d be perfectly clear that the child is not invited because she’s a nasty little troll. Your daughter doesn’t need an excuse as to why she is not putting up with such a horror.

Also, phones at 9Hmm

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/08/2020 20:20

Absolutely not, you don't reward bad behaviour. The bully child also needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Sometimeswinning · 09/08/2020 20:47

Phones at 9 are the usual in my group. I do have dd's messenger app/account on my phone so I see all messages. If this was happening I would be in touch with the parents, with screenshots telling them to delete my dd's number! She wouldn't be coming to my house!

Edinburghfalls · 09/08/2020 20:53

Kids do fall out all the time but she sounds like a particularly nasty child. Chances are she has learnt it at home and that is sad but I wouldn’t want my child being exposed to that way of behaving.

Brefugee · 09/08/2020 21:09

I would never invite this girl. If she wants your DDs friendship again she's going to have to work for it.

Brefugee · 09/08/2020 21:19

I also don't think you need to make excuses. "No" is a good enough answer here. There's a thread running in AIBU about how we should teach our daughters to say "fuck off". It doesn't need to be swear but it is never to early to teach our children - especially the girls - about being firm about saying "no".

Also - if this was a whole class party, so what? Why would you invite a bully under the guise of "we don't want to be bullies". This is one of the reasons children don't set proper boundaries. Glad to see from OPs update that her DD has said she doesn't want this girl at her party.

FloreanFortescue · 09/08/2020 21:21

No way! Girls like these end up making all the "friends" because people are too scared to cut them out. Girls like your daughter then get singled out because it's not in their nature to be like that.

WatchoutfortheROUS · 09/08/2020 21:27

Of course it's fine to not invite her.

But I'm sorry I agree with pp, why on earth does a 9 year old have a phone?!

ProudMarys · 09/08/2020 21:34

No and while your DD sounds so lovely, you don't want her to be walked over by this girl. Your DD needs to pick her friends but there is nothing wrong with showing her what qualities make a good friend and what qualities don't. Your DD already has a gut feeling she is back in contact because she wants an invite and after your dd handing an olive branch to get it rejecte, this girl doesnt sound very nice. Encourage her to listen to her gut.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 09/08/2020 21:44

My daughter had all this rubbish at the same age.

The daughter would not let it go and her mother was just as bad.

We were very pleased the girls are now at different secondary schools.

It caused a lot of crap when I refused to let my daughter be bullied into giving an invite. I think it was good to force my daughter to say no to her demands. Things got worse at school but then they finally got sorted and my daughter has learnt a lot more resilience and doesn't let others push her around so much.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 09/08/2020 22:16

i wouldn't invite her. and equally, if my child didnt' want someone at their party, even if the reason seemed petty, i wouldn't force them to. as adults we aren;t forced to share our things/invite people we dont like to gatherings, so why are children expected to do these things? they are people too and deserve autonomy ......

rvby · 09/08/2020 22:20

Nope, name calling and threats of violence/ intimidation means you get excluded from social events. A very simple yanbu and well done to you for modeling proper boundaries for your dd to learn from.

If your mum feels differently, it sounds like she would benefit from counselling tbh.

laidbacklife · 09/08/2020 22:30

No. Absolutely not. She’s not your dd’s friend and your dd should not be encouraged to put up with this type of bullying. It’s harsh but here is an ideal opportunity for your dd to learn how to grow a backbone and deal with this type of behaviour. Support her!

ArntNise · 09/08/2020 22:50

@Onebrokentoe

I accidentally voted YABU. Meant yanbu. I’m not sure how I did that! Sorry op.
You can go back and click on YANBU - it update your vote
FortniteBoysMum · 09/08/2020 23:29

No but I would answer that video call ask to speak to her mother and politely tell her that the reason her dd is not invited is she called your dd a bitch and threatened to get her mum to hurt her if she didn't do something, then when your dd offered to forgive her she used it to be mean again until it suited her as she feels left out. Well she chose to act like a brat now she can learn from it.

MannymanMunroe · 09/08/2020 23:39

No invitation, and speak to your DD about boundaries. If you teach her now that she has to be nice to nasty bastards who treat her badly, this lesson will leech into all relationships she has, including romantic ones and work ones. And yes, tell the girl's parents.

Pixxie7 · 10/08/2020 00:42

I am inclined to agree with your MIL, but let your daughter decide.

Sometimeswinning · 10/08/2020 00:54

But I'm sorry I agree with pp, why on earth does a 9 year old have a phone?!

One day I'm sure people will realise others parent different. Why on earth wouldn't she? Zoom, WhatsApp, hangouts have kept everyone sane. Why should our children not benefit from this?

Hellbentwellwent · 10/08/2020 01:10

Why is everyone advocating making up excuses? Sit you dd down and have a talk about bullying, boundaries and how you can help her set her own boundaries and enforce them. Ask her if she thinks this girl is a friend or not, discuss why and how that makes your dd feel. Ask her if this girl continues anything positive to your dd’s life and how that makes her feel. Ask you dd if she wants her at the party because she genuinely enjoys and wants to spend time with her or because she’s feeling pressured To please this girl. Hopefully she’ll realise this girl is not a friend and there’s no positives in giving in to her demands. Then give your dd the option of telling her that she’s not welcome because she’s been unpleasant to dd/ called her a bitch/ bullied her whatever or give her the option of telling her you said no because of any of the above. Explain it’s fine if she wants to let it sound like it was you who said no but that it’s really important as she grows older and more independent that she learns how to say no to people on her own.

And for what it’s worth of for any reason she doesn’t come to the conclusion this girl is a friend and she does want to invite her, put your foot down and say no yourself and explain why and that it’s your job to protect her until she grows up a bit and realises she needs boundaries!

squeekums · 10/08/2020 02:15

No way would that kid be in my house, enjoying a party I put on for the kid she bullied

Thats just rewarding the bully

jimmyjammy001 · 10/08/2020 02:28

No chance, your dd friend has anger management issues to behave like that, parents should be doing something about it