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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this girl at dd party

277 replies

XiCi · 09/08/2020 11:02

Dd is 9. One of her friendship group from school has been quite nasty to her online and via text during lockdown. Pressurising dd to give her her pets on Roblox, texting her and calling her a bitch when dd refused, threatening her saying her mum was going to batter her if she didnt do as she asked. After this they stopped communicating however dd sent a little text a few weeks later saying its friendship day shall we just be friends again and got a one word NO in reply. Its dds birthday next week and I'm just having a few girls over to play in the garden. This girl has found about about this and has now started texting dd asking if she can come and saying they can be friends again. Dd is a bit conflicted, she thinks she only wants to be her friend because of the party but hasnt got a nasty bone in her body and I think her default would be to just let her come. This girl is trying to video call her all the time for an invite. MIL thinks that all young girls have fallings out like this and I should just invite her. AIBU to not want this girl in my house after i saw how upset she made my dd. I dont know whether I'm just being over protective.

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 11/08/2020 19:09

I'd take it out of my DDs hands and tell her to say no, as the spiteful little madam is not welcome in my house.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 11/08/2020 19:13

I would tell your daughter to text back
My Mam says no
Then she hopefully will realise you are aware of her behaviour

bigvig · 11/08/2020 19:16

To make it easier on dd ask her to reply - sorry you are not invited. My mum will only let me invite a small number of friends due to social distancing measures. If she replies again I would simply ignore the message - preferably she'll be blocked again anyway.

Davespecifico · 11/08/2020 19:20

I wouldn’t worry about her having to face this girl. In September, ask the form teacher to keep an eye out and show them the screen shots of the abusive messages.
It’s important school know about the online bullying (because that’s what it is).

newnamesameold · 11/08/2020 19:31

If she has already been told no, just get your daughter to reply 'No.'. No engaging in conversation and very clear, no room for confusion.

Mummacake · 11/08/2020 19:31

I'd just leave the phone off & the message unread. Your DD doesn't need to explain anything beyond, my phone was off so I didn't see the message. If the mum contacts you then you can have the conversation in whichever way you see fit.

thornyhousewife · 11/08/2020 19:39

This is your fault for giving a 9 year old a phone. Same for the other parents. How can you expect children to be able to regulate themselves unsupervised in this way. Look at the mess this has made within the first couple of weeks of phone ownership- this will have a lasting effect on these kids.

None of these kids are in the wrong; all of the parents are.

And before you accuse me of being unreasonable or unrealistic, my kids are older and they are not allowed phones for this very reason.

Massive waste of your time even thinking any of these children are in the wrong.

theneverendinglaundry · 11/08/2020 19:47

Just block her and tell the teacher when your dd goes back to school.

We had a similar experience with Adopt Me on Roblox. It's now been deleted as these girls obviously are not old enough to be messaging eachother unsupervised.

Dee1975 · 11/08/2020 22:11

No. Don’t invite. She will ruin party for DD

Tessabelle1 · 11/08/2020 22:46

@thornyhousewife Hmm

bemusedmoose · 11/08/2020 23:14

Absolutely no way would she be setting foot in my house! What a little weasel! Clearly sucking up to get an invite. To do and say those things at 9 years old is awful!! What a nasty manipulative wotsit. Both mine have gone through that age and neither would have behaved like that.

This is where you need to teach your daughter about boundaries, good relationships and looking after her feelings. She needs to know that she shouldn't put up with this behaviour, that it's not acceptable and this girl is a bully and using her. Believe me this will escalate big time if they stay friends. I would also be sending her mum a copy of the messages she sent you daughter and suggest she keeps her away. School would also be getting a copy.

I was bullied as a kid and abused as an adult - there is no way i would let my kids put up with that crap!

Goingprivate2020 · 11/08/2020 23:34

I don’t think I’ve seen a 99 per cent agreement OP! Yanbu. Do not invite that child. My dd (10) has had this in lockdown and I have been v blunt in saying that real friends don’t shout/bully etc and then get immediate forgiveness. It has to be earned. Both girls must learn that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and shouldn’t be rewarded.

Quackersandcheese3 · 11/08/2020 23:36

Shame, if you don’t invite the kid will it lead to more problems for your daughter?

jellybeans44 · 11/08/2020 23:43

No Quackers if she DOES invite the girl it will cause problems for her daughter. She'll be teaching her daughter to be a walkover and to not have healthy boundaries with people. Stick to your guns OP you're doing the right thing! Get your daughter to reply to her saying she doesn't want her to be there. And I don't think she should be using you as an excuse either. You sound like a fab mum! :)

maddening · 11/08/2020 23:58

We had this with ds, we said he was to have no contact for at least a couple of weeks and drew up a message to copy and paste to reply to each contact attempt, it was obviously from us the parents and advised that we were happy for the child's parents to call us to discuss further. Takes it out of dds hands and I doubt you will hear from the parents, if you do have a prepared script to explain their dds behaviour and why this toxic behaviour is even more underlined by the contact to pressure dd for a party invite despite her appalling treatment of dd, and is why she is definitely not invited as you do not want their dd there at all.

whyayepetal · 12/08/2020 09:50

As a PP suggested, I’d go with a straightforward “No” from your DD to other child. It is very clear, but not unpleasant. Then should the parent contact you, explain why factually and calmly, and send the screen shot of what was said if there is any hint that the parent does not believe you.

Be ready to turn child/parent away from the party if necessary, again calmly and firmly. Before the children go back to school, email the school safeguarding lead and explain what has happened, attaching the screenshots of what was said, and telling them what you would like the outcome to be for your daughter ( e.g. separate classes, an adult she can talk to straight away if any further problems, etc.)

Then leave it for the school to deal with. I hope your daughter has a lovely party, joined by friends she can truly relax with. She sounds like a great kid Smile

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/08/2020 11:31

I think you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Overall your daughter would enjoy her party more if the other girl is not there.
When they get back to school, I think its important to let the school know what has gone on, but also is there a way of healing the breach as your daughter will have to face this girl every day. The girl didn't behave well and is now suffering the consequences. She may retaliate.
Its very difficult to find the right path through bullying, its a complicated thing. Helping your daughter with assertiveness and not being afraid of the consequences of a straight No, will help. Also its a good thing to brief your daughter to draw a line under the party and to give the other child a chance to make up if she wants to. Maybe to say to the other child, lets put the past behind us. They are only 9. There's a good website www.kidscape.org.uk/

Scottsy100 · 12/08/2020 13:06

Leave her out teach her a lesson, that’s all she wants to come for so she doesn’t get left out. Nasty little cow.

KatherineJaneway · 12/08/2020 15:26

"No, you're not invited. You've recently been unkind to me and threatened me, neither of which will get you an invite to my party. I hope eventually you can see things from my point of view but for now I think we need distance from each other".

RiftGibbon · 12/08/2020 18:03

Either leave the message unanswered or just reply with 'No'
You could elaborate with 'please do not contact me again' and then block her, which would be the best course of action.
Might be an idea to be ready to deal with the parent/s though.

Not the same but I remember having a party at a similar age and a few of the kids were misbehaving - climbing on and jumping off the furniture. My parents asked them not to. They carried on. My parents asked them not to again. They carried on. My Dad said that if they did it again, they'd be taken home. They did it again.
"Get your coats."
They were delivered back home to their parent's and were told why they were brought home early.

ddl1 · 13/08/2020 09:39

Either just 'No' or what Katherine Janeway suggested: I think that it's a good message! I don't think it is your responsibility or your dd's responsibility to punish the other child or 'teach her a lesson' as some pp have suggested. On the other hand, your dd has the right to invite whoever she wants to her own party, and the other child should not get her own way by nagging and pressurizing.

OhCaptain · 13/08/2020 09:52

How is she still messaging if she’s blocked? Look into that because it doesn’t sound like she is

I’d just block her myself and ignore the message. DD could simply not have a phone anymore and wouldn’t have seen it anyway!

MzHz · 13/08/2020 18:24

Block, remove phone, plan party without the awful kid and move on with life!

Why pussy foot about? Why worry about manners? The other girl has no qualms in being revolting to your dd... let her figure out what the radio silence means

Mir91 · 14/08/2020 00:34

You absolutely have to deal with that little madam. If your daughter says to her that she's not invited because of name calling and general nastiness, it could backfire on her and I'd hate that to happen. Block that girl on every platform. Notify the school to keep an eye on things. I made the mistake of trying to handle something delicately years ago and ended up having to move DD to another school. When she and her arch nemesis met up again in secondary school, it started ed again, leading to DD self harming. Moved school yet again. Arch nemesis Mammy is a child psychologist, but somehow managed to raise the nastiest piece of shit I have ever come across. Hope all works out well for your DD

kimmsutt · 17/08/2020 04:00

Surely there are safeguarding issues here? Any 9 year old using that language and threatening ‘battery’ is presumably having a pretty tough time at home, so I’m not sure continuing a text conversation is appropriate (nor that the other girl’s parents will be interested in seeing what their daughter has been writing). If time/SD allows, I would have the girls meet fave to face, with parents there and let them talk about it. As a parent, you should protect your child, and suggest to other child that that language is not the right behaviour to keep friends... but do it in a kind way that teaches her, not chastises her or ‘blocks her’. She’s 9, not 17. I would maybe invite the ‘evil’ one after any meeting, she sounds like she needs a break from home. I have a 9 year old and would be so worried if any class mate had been exposed to something that taught them that language/attitude.