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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this girl at dd party

277 replies

XiCi · 09/08/2020 11:02

Dd is 9. One of her friendship group from school has been quite nasty to her online and via text during lockdown. Pressurising dd to give her her pets on Roblox, texting her and calling her a bitch when dd refused, threatening her saying her mum was going to batter her if she didnt do as she asked. After this they stopped communicating however dd sent a little text a few weeks later saying its friendship day shall we just be friends again and got a one word NO in reply. Its dds birthday next week and I'm just having a few girls over to play in the garden. This girl has found about about this and has now started texting dd asking if she can come and saying they can be friends again. Dd is a bit conflicted, she thinks she only wants to be her friend because of the party but hasnt got a nasty bone in her body and I think her default would be to just let her come. This girl is trying to video call her all the time for an invite. MIL thinks that all young girls have fallings out like this and I should just invite her. AIBU to not want this girl in my house after i saw how upset she made my dd. I dont know whether I'm just being over protective.

OP posts:
flatoutpanic · 09/08/2020 11:17

No way!

022828MAN · 09/08/2020 11:18

No way! I'd also start looking at whether mobiles, Internet gaming etc is actually any good for DC wellbeing in general. I admit my DC are just tiny at the moment, but 9 sounds very young to have access to all this social media.

TomNook · 09/08/2020 11:18

why does your daughter have a phone

That’s my question. Without the phone contact this wouldn’t be an issue

Spied · 09/08/2020 11:18

She'd not be coming. No way.

TomNook · 09/08/2020 11:19

and please don’t do what @Badassmama says with school
You have decided that your daughter is old enough to have WhatsApp against all the regulations it’s your fault that you and she can’t control the use of it

rebecca102 · 09/08/2020 11:19

No bloody way. Teaches your daughter to be a pushover and that girl to think she can treat people the way she wants but still be included.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 09/08/2020 11:20

Not a chance and I would have been in touch with that girls mother when those nasty texts had happened. Tell your daughter to keep away from her.

Julmust · 09/08/2020 11:21

That definitely isn't normal behaviour. My dds are 16 and 13 and i know loads of girls who would never have behaved like that. Encourage her to just hang out with nice kids

mcmooberry · 09/08/2020 11:21

I'm normally in the invite everyone or no one camp but that girl has crossed a line so it would be no from me.

TomNook · 09/08/2020 11:22

And in my considerable experience with young people, You need to check what your daughters message back before you accuse the bully

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 09/08/2020 11:22

I wouldn't even justify it with covid restrictions.

'Close friends only, sorry.'

Block her on your daughters phone, but obviously you'll be able to keep the text messages because in phone manager, blocked messages are kept. Evidence for any conversations with her parents if they accuse you of excluding their child.

'no, your child has been sending abusive messages to mine, and upsetting her, cutting her off, being friends, breaking up, being friends etc. After encouraging my daughter to resolve her own issues, I've taken the decision to protect my daughter, removing her from upset by blocking messages from your daughter. For your daughter to send messages calling my daughter a bitch, then asking for an invite to her party is a bit much, don't you think?'

Onebrokentoe · 09/08/2020 11:24

I accidentally voted YABU. Meant yanbu. I’m not sure how I did that! Sorry op.

unmarkedbythat · 09/08/2020 11:24

I've never agreed with forcing children to have children who are horrible to them at their party. I'd rather have had no parties than be made to share them with people who were consistently nasty to me. YANBU.

HavelockVetinari · 09/08/2020 11:24

I don't think 9 year olds are sensible/mature enough to have a phone or go online unsupervised. Can you take the phone away till she's in Y7?

TidyDancer · 09/08/2020 11:24

I think, as others have already said, you need to use this as an opportunity to show your DD that she has the right to put her own boundaries in and that her feelings are important. No way would that child be coming to my DD's party.

Davespecifico · 09/08/2020 11:25

No! MIL is wrong here. This isn’t a friendship fall out, it’s a bully in action.
Do you have screenshots of the messages, especially the one with word bitch in it?
I would send that one to the child’s mother. I would also be making sure school knew the girls should not be in the same class next year.

TheGardenFairy · 09/08/2020 11:26

If the other girl contacts DD again about having an invite to the party tell your DD to tell her my mum said I can invite 5 (or however many you have stipulated) of my best friends and I have invited them.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 09/08/2020 11:26

But yeah, I'd have issues with phone too but I'm a dinosaur. Kids are ds14, dd12, ds9. Eldest barely looks up from a screen, has to be monitored screen time or he'd been on one 24/7 on absolute shite. And girls can be vile at that age. Mine is an angel... So far... But dh teaches secondary and has scars to prove it. Girls far worse than boys.

FilthyforFirth · 09/08/2020 11:26

Hell no would a child who called my DD a bitch be invited to her party. Dont even entertain the idea, straight no.

Original poster
XiCi · 09/08/2020 11:26

why does your daughter have a phone
She has had use of my old phone via lockdown. It's been invaluable during lockdown, she's an only child and has been able to keep in contact with all her friends. There is not a single one of her peer group that does not have a phone.

Thanks everyone for your input. She definitely wont be coming to the party and dd has just come back from her nans and told me she doesnt want her there so we are both clear on that now. Just didnt know if I was being too harsh given she is only 9 and mil comments.

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 09/08/2020 11:26

No way!

My dd is 9 and obsessed with Roblox. When she and her friends play they help each other out where they can re: favourite/dream pets, trades etc and I cannot imagine any girl in her class calling another a bitch.

I would be keeping her away from this girl. She has shown her true colours and will likely only be nice to get an invite and then will revert back to type. Your dd sounds lovely but she needs to realise that not everyone is like her.

ZoeTurtle · 09/08/2020 11:26

No, and for heaven's sake start monitoring her phone use. She's nine, she needs protection.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 09/08/2020 11:27

Very last point.
Nothing to do with MIL. Butt out.

Love51 · 09/08/2020 11:27

I was a lot older than your dd when I was being pressured into going somewhere I didn't want to go. My mum was a liberal parent and not the sort to ban me from anything. She said 'just say your mum says you can't go'. Awesome, thanks mum, get out of jail free card!
'Mum says you can't come because you swore at me. ' - honest. Presumably if I called your daughter a bitch I couldn't expect an invitation to your home?
Or 'mum says only X people'. - less honest and open to 'well if anyone pulls out can I come?'.
You daughter needs you to be the adult here and stick up for her.

queenofknives · 09/08/2020 11:28

I probably wouldn't invite her and would support my daughter to not be friends with her. But can people try to remember that she is also only 9 years old. Adults calling her a rat and a cow and other names is really nasty. She's a little girl. Yes, she sounds like a bully and her behaviour should be dealt with. But could you have a little bit of compassion and kindness towards the child. Where is she getting the idea that this behaviour is okay in the first place? I would probably raise it as a safeguarding concern with the school.

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