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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want this girl at dd party

277 replies

XiCi · 09/08/2020 11:02

Dd is 9. One of her friendship group from school has been quite nasty to her online and via text during lockdown. Pressurising dd to give her her pets on Roblox, texting her and calling her a bitch when dd refused, threatening her saying her mum was going to batter her if she didnt do as she asked. After this they stopped communicating however dd sent a little text a few weeks later saying its friendship day shall we just be friends again and got a one word NO in reply. Its dds birthday next week and I'm just having a few girls over to play in the garden. This girl has found about about this and has now started texting dd asking if she can come and saying they can be friends again. Dd is a bit conflicted, she thinks she only wants to be her friend because of the party but hasnt got a nasty bone in her body and I think her default would be to just let her come. This girl is trying to video call her all the time for an invite. MIL thinks that all young girls have fallings out like this and I should just invite her. AIBU to not want this girl in my house after i saw how upset she made my dd. I dont know whether I'm just being over protective.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 09/08/2020 12:16

You need to block this girl she is getting at your child at home there is no Getting away from her and no she doesn't get to go to the party either, yes kids fall out but stand up for your Dd on this.

BluebellForest836 · 09/08/2020 12:18

Nope and block the girl

DiscordandRhyme · 09/08/2020 12:18

My days are 9 year olds texting and calling each other bitches now!

My DD1 is 7 I'm not looking forward to this stage of her youth.

No, don't invite people who are deliberately and prolonged unkind to your child - I wouldn't.

Happymum12345 · 09/08/2020 12:19

I would feel more inclined to invite the other girl if she had apologised or even acknowledged how unkind she had been to your dd. I think she needs to be told how much she has upset your dd and then it would be easier to forgive her. At 9 years old, children need a little help in overcoming behaviour like this. Forgiving is a big step and your dd sounds lovely.

ClementineWoolysocks · 09/08/2020 12:19

I wouldn't invite the little cow, let her learn that her actions have consequences. Your daughter doesn't owe her an explanation as to why she isn't invited either.

ThisLittleLady · 09/08/2020 12:20

It’s your dd birthday. If she doesn’t want her there , the. NO INVITE. simple.

BKCRMP · 09/08/2020 12:22

No chance. Your DD needs to be taught to stand up to horrible people.

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2020 12:22

As she's not the only child not coming then definitely not.

I don't like excluding one but this isn't the case and she deserves it

justilou1 · 09/08/2020 12:22

Good for you! She sounds like a right troll! I’m sick of these monstrous kids learning that their bullying reaps dividends. Instead this time it HD consequences! Whoop!!!

ImNotBusyImLazy · 09/08/2020 12:27

I think your daughter should say "No you are not invited, you have not been a good friend."

Teach your daughter to be upfront -- there is no need to use Covid restrictions as an excuse. What lesson would that nasty girl learn unless she hears the real reason she is not invited?

SuitedandBooted · 09/08/2020 12:28

Well done OP. Your daughter has learned that she can assert herself and have boundaries.
The other girl may have learned that actions have consequences - but I doubt it!

cancelculturemeinyellow · 09/08/2020 12:29

This sounds like bullying to me. Calling someone a bitch because they won't hand over something that doesn't belong to them online? Modern day version of give me your lunch money or else.

Don't normalise this bullying behaviour to your DD. You're in the right not wanting this child in your home.

Focusanddetermination · 09/08/2020 12:30

I would also be screen shotting the conversation they had and applying it to school on return, asking them to keep an eye out for potential bullying. As would as expect

Focusanddetermination · 09/08/2020 12:31

As would expect this to continue in person, and its protecting your daughter to do that.

Jeremyironsnothing · 09/08/2020 12:35

Give your dd an "out"

Tell her to tell the girl that she would like her to come as she wants to be friends but her mum, aka you, won't let her invite her because you've seen a few of the texts.

At least that way your dd can continue to be civil with her and some of the nastiness might disappear. Explain to dd what the difference between being civil and friendly is.

katy1213 · 09/08/2020 12:43

No way. And put a stop to this by blocking her.

Jux · 09/08/2020 12:44

Tell their teacher what has happened, though. Not to get the child into trouble but just so when at school an eye is kept on them both, to avoid or stop any problems which could occur when they go back and they're facing each other in real life.

MzHz · 09/08/2020 12:45

Dd needs to block the girl and if this doesn’t stop, you need to contact her mother and explain why she’s blocked

No way would she be coming anywhere near me or my family.

How come these kids are able to text etc, do they have phones? That’s too young - as clearly demonstrated by this other girl

Consider notifying the school.

Beautiful3 · 09/08/2020 12:49

No I wouldnt invite her. She would spoil your daughters day. I'd they naturally make up then she could come over for a playdate sometime to test the waters, but not on her birthday!

drspouse · 09/08/2020 12:52

I'm normally all for forgive and forget, don't exclude, but a) this is a small party, not a whole class party and b) she's been horrible to your DD.
Have a word with her mum and explain why she's not invited, if she has social skills issues meaning she doesn't get that what she did was wrong, the mum needs to work on her with this with a view to being friends again when they go back, if mum thinks this is reasonable, there's little hope!
And maybe get her to communicate via your devices in the future.

AuntyFungal · 09/08/2020 12:53

You can get software to see all messages (to & from) from your DDs phone. We also have an automatic switch off (via Norton I think) at a set time each night. Might be useful...

Longpigs · 09/08/2020 12:55

Bloody phones.

OP, I understand why you gave your DD your old phone for lockdown purposes, but what are you going to do with the phone now? 9 really is too young for any child to handle a virtual life. I'm guessing the 'bully' feels detached enough to be so horrible because she's communicating virtually, rather than in person. They are all just far too young for this stuff. Even adults on Mumsnet hide behind their screens to make aggressive and hurtful remarks - and we are supposedly old enough and sensible enough to behave politely and with consideration for other people.

I would also very gently suggest that you look at all the messages your DD has sent to this other girl. Many years of experience have taught me that my own children are rarely whiter than white, either in person or online. I'm not saying that your DD has been horrible back, but my youngest DC got a phone when she was 12 and I was monitoring it all the time at that point. She's now 16 and I don't monitor it - but I still reserve the right to do so, if I have any significant concerns. Just as I would have read her diary in the 'olden days', if she was causing me sleepless nights.

So far as the party goes: you do have an automatic get-out clause with Covid, so I'd use it. Not because your DD should hide behind excuses, but because if the other girl really is an unpleasant bully, she could well twist anything else that your DD says into "XiCi's DD said I can't come to her party because she hates me, when I've apologised and been really nice to her, waaaah, poor me".

Also suggest you ask DD's teacher to keep a quiet eye on them once they go back. Best to approach this in terms of "there was a falling out, and DD was very upset by it", rather than "X is bullying my DD".

Her teacher may also have views on phones and online messaging for 9 year olds.

BornOnThe4thJuly · 09/08/2020 12:58

@OverTheRainbow88

I wouldn’t invite her, and I would block her number on my dd mobile- if that’s how they are contacting each other?
I would agree with this. It’s gone too far saying she’d get her Mum to batter her I’d be informing school as well when they go back. I think they’d want to know.
XiCi · 09/08/2020 13:02

Thanks Longpigs. I honestly think that once school and normal social life/clubs etc resumes then she wont be much interested in the phone. The video calls etc are certainly much scaled down now we are getting back to some sort of normality and she has met friends in parks and gardens. I do check all of her messages and she hasnt texted anything inappropriate just regular friendly 9 year old chit chat. I'll keep an eye on things when they're back at school. Hopefully it will all blow over

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 09/08/2020 13:04

Fuck that.
If she is invited it sends the message that how she treated your daughter is ok and that her feelings about being left out matter more that your daughter's feeling about being bullied.

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