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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this girl at dd party

277 replies

XiCi · 09/08/2020 11:02

Dd is 9. One of her friendship group from school has been quite nasty to her online and via text during lockdown. Pressurising dd to give her her pets on Roblox, texting her and calling her a bitch when dd refused, threatening her saying her mum was going to batter her if she didnt do as she asked. After this they stopped communicating however dd sent a little text a few weeks later saying its friendship day shall we just be friends again and got a one word NO in reply. Its dds birthday next week and I'm just having a few girls over to play in the garden. This girl has found about about this and has now started texting dd asking if she can come and saying they can be friends again. Dd is a bit conflicted, she thinks she only wants to be her friend because of the party but hasnt got a nasty bone in her body and I think her default would be to just let her come. This girl is trying to video call her all the time for an invite. MIL thinks that all young girls have fallings out like this and I should just invite her. AIBU to not want this girl in my house after i saw how upset she made my dd. I dont know whether I'm just being over protective.

OP posts:
NotNormalNorma · 09/08/2020 11:28

Well no obviously you can’t let this kid come to your child party. Your daughter doesn’t need her there and the bullying will just start over once the party is over.

As an aside, how come you’ve not blocked this kid in all possible SM and messaging? There are age restrictions for reasons but that’s your call.

Hepcat75 · 09/08/2020 11:28

Absolutely no fucking way would I have in my home, a child who - at nine! - threatens to have their mum 'batter' your daughter. Unbelievable.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 09/08/2020 11:29

If you have the girl's parent's number ring them and say something like "xxx is ringing my daughter asking to be invited to her party. Unfortunately because of the Covid restrictions we are not able to have her here. We have tried to explain that to xxx but she doesn't seem to understand . Could you have a word with her as we will have to turn her away if she shows up which will cause upset for both girls. Thank you".

lborgia · 09/08/2020 11:29

Of course don’t invite, but just to ask other posters - why on earth would you ask your daughter to lie? She needs to say “why do you want to com, we’re not friends?” or “why do you want an invite when you called me a bitch”?

You don’t go making her or her mother feel better by wittering on about numbers, or just close friends. It would be teaching your daughter a horrendous lesson.

Good luck OP!

TheAquaticDuchess · 09/08/2020 11:30

Absolutely not. Wait and see if she still wants to be friends when there isn’t a party in it for her before extending the olive branch.

MumW · 09/08/2020 11:30

It's been going on so long that I'd be tempted to foward snapshots of the girl's messages to the mother.

romeolovedjulliet · 09/08/2020 11:30

why get the school involved when they are not there at present ? that can be dealt with when they go back if the bullying continued [hopefully it won't].
another no way would she be coming to the party, personally i would have nipped this in the bud with the parents as soon as it became a problem but as that ship has sailed i'd block her but speak to her parents and show them the messages if needed. they certainly wouldn't be getting excuses why she's not invited because that will open the discussion furthur and there is no need to do so as dd is on the receiving end of this shit.

Nomorepies · 09/08/2020 11:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Roswellconspiracy · 09/08/2020 11:32

Definitely not.

Your dd is actually really quite switched on for 9. Her ability to figure this girl out and want to enforce her boundries as to who she spends time with is something to encourage not override.

She has no obligation to be "nice".

Its her birthday . Dont subject her to that kind of person on her birthday of all days

Alwaysinpain · 09/08/2020 11:33

Answer the video call yourself and tell her if she threatens your child again then...XXX she'll be getting battered if she's continues

MeridianB · 09/08/2020 11:34

@HavelockVetinari

I don't think 9 year olds are sensible/mature enough to have a phone or go online unsupervised. Can you take the phone away till she's in Y7?
This.

Phones are not needed at that age unless they go to school unaccompanied and they are on holiday now.

The phone allowed this child to bully your daughter out of school and keeping the phone allowed it to continue.

I’d be telling the girl’s parents and the school and it would be a no for the party invitation, too.

jiffyjackfruit · 09/08/2020 11:35

Block the girl's number from your daughter's phone, there is no way she should be able to contact your daughter to bully her and no way she should be at the party.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 09/08/2020 11:36

@trappedsincesundaymorn

If you have the girl's parent's number ring them and say something like "xxx is ringing my daughter asking to be invited to her party. Unfortunately because of the Covid restrictions we are not able to have her here. We have tried to explain that to xxx but she doesn't seem to understand . Could you have a word with her as we will have to turn her away if she shows up which will cause upset for both girls. Thank you".
Fuck blaming covid. This little bully’s parents need to know the real reason she isn’t invited.

OP did you talk to her parents when the texts calling her a bitch etc. started?

ddl1 · 09/08/2020 11:36

If almost everyone in your dd's class were invited, and this child were the only one being excluded, I might see your MIL's point. But for a small party, where (assuming that this is in England), she can't invite more than 6 people anyway, I don't see why this child should be able to get her own way just because she's nagging about it. Given the current restrictions on numbers, she would thereby potentially be denying an invitation to someone else - so it's totally unfair, even before one considers the other aspects of the situation. Pressing your dd to give her her pets; threatening her; etc. - this child sounds dangerously manipulative (which she is continuing to be with the party demands), and, while she may grow out of it, she definitely isn't someone whom you would wish to have at what should be an enjoyable party. And if your dd does give into her on this occasion, it will just lead to further demands and bullying behaviour,

LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2020 11:38

I'd check your DD's phone for the message where the 'friend' wanting/asking to show up at this party and simply reply with one word "No".
What's good for the goose is good for the gander!
Do not have her at your house. She has to understand that there are consequences for her horrible actions against your DD.
Hope your DD has a lovely party!

PhilSwagielka · 09/08/2020 11:38

No. This girl sounds like a nasty little beast. Your daughter is better off without.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 09/08/2020 11:39

So I am assuming you called this DC mother after she sent the nasty texts and threats of being battered? And no she wouldn't be getting an invite that's a decision I would be making as the adult..

nanbread · 09/08/2020 11:42

Unless she's phoning to offer a genuine and heartfelt apology, then no I wouldn't invite her.

I do think children should be given the chance to make amends and atone for their behaviour, but I also think this is a good opportunity to model good boundaries for your daughter.

BlogTheBlogger · 09/08/2020 11:42

@Badassmama

Hell no. And I’d photograph the texts this girl made threatening her and send them to her mum to inform her exactly why she’s not invited. Also tell the school when they go back.
This
Brot64 · 09/08/2020 11:43

Nope, wouldn't invite her and wouldn't make any excuses either. In fact I would have blocked her and the friendship would be over whether my DC liked it or not. She must know and learn that actions have consequence.

nanbread · 09/08/2020 11:43

All the people saying to text the mum - where do you think the girl is getting the behaviour from?! Especially if she is threatening her mum to batter her "friends"... likely to be a parent. Something tells me it won't make much of a difference except for perhaps to get the girl battered herself.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 09/08/2020 11:45

Absolutely no way.

And this is the time to start teaching your dd it's OK to have personal bounderies.

Hungrypuffin · 09/08/2020 11:45

I have a 9 year old. He doesn’t have a phone and I can’t think of any kids in his class who do. They have FaceTimed and Zoomed in lockdown by the parents arranging it and using parents’ devices which seems much more safe. I would take the phone away now. I am the safeguarding lead in a school and inappropriate use of snapchat, WhatsApp and instagram is one of the biggest things I deal with. I know what kind of messages kids send and receive and it has made me determined that my own DC will not have phones until secondary school.

Gingernaut · 09/08/2020 11:45

Has MIL actually seen the messages? Seen how much Roblox pets cost?

I doubt she's seen this level of abuse or bullying.

It's a NO from me. Your MIL is either too forgiving, the type who avoids any conflict or hasn't seen the full blown mess.

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2020 11:46

Nope, no way.

Even if it was a whole class party I'd happily leave her out.

Actions have consequences.

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