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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this girl at dd party

277 replies

XiCi · 09/08/2020 11:02

Dd is 9. One of her friendship group from school has been quite nasty to her online and via text during lockdown. Pressurising dd to give her her pets on Roblox, texting her and calling her a bitch when dd refused, threatening her saying her mum was going to batter her if she didnt do as she asked. After this they stopped communicating however dd sent a little text a few weeks later saying its friendship day shall we just be friends again and got a one word NO in reply. Its dds birthday next week and I'm just having a few girls over to play in the garden. This girl has found about about this and has now started texting dd asking if she can come and saying they can be friends again. Dd is a bit conflicted, she thinks she only wants to be her friend because of the party but hasnt got a nasty bone in her body and I think her default would be to just let her come. This girl is trying to video call her all the time for an invite. MIL thinks that all young girls have fallings out like this and I should just invite her. AIBU to not want this girl in my house after i saw how upset she made my dd. I dont know whether I'm just being over protective.

OP posts:
ftm202020 · 09/08/2020 13:12

Why have these girls got phone?!? My dd is almost 9 and none of her friends have phones.

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2020 13:14

@VettiyaIruken

Fuck that. If she is invited it sends the message that how she treated your daughter is ok and that her feelings about being left out matter more that your daughter's feeling about being bullied.
Exactly and this is why I disagree with a lot of MNetters when they say you can't leave 1 child out of a whole class party.

Yes you can if they've been a nasty bully, why wouldn't you?

Inviting them teaches them there's no consequence for their behaviour and it also teaches the bullied child their feelings don't matter.

Life is all about setting personal boundaries and I think it's never too early to teach our kids that. If my mum had insisted I invited a child to my birthday party after they bullied me, I'd assume she didn't give a shit about me or my feelings/safety.

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2020 13:15

Sorry, went on a bit of a ramble there.

I'm aware it's not a whole class party.

RhubarbTea · 09/08/2020 13:17

It would be a 'Fuck No' from me.

Figgygal · 09/08/2020 13:18

No bloody way
And I’d have told her mother what was going on well before Now

quizqueen · 09/08/2020 13:23

Tell her ... 'to have a friend, you have to be a friend'...so a definite no. Some of the other girls, who are coming over, may not like her as well if she is difficult. Threats about beating up someone should be reported to the school and logged with the police as well, no matter the age group. I hope you kept those messages as evidence as it could escalate to secondary school.

KatherineJaneway · 09/08/2020 13:26

Heck no, I was bullied mercilessly by girls like this. She'll come to the party and ruin it.

piscean10 · 09/08/2020 13:26

Yanbu. Dont invite the runt and make sure her mother knows.

itsgettingweird · 09/08/2020 13:30

You'd be doing a great job if you follow your instincts and model friendship boundaries for your dd right now - so I agree that NO! Is the reply dd should now be giving!

If it's out any further tell dd that she can say that she reached out and friend wasn't interested. She isn't going to be called names and threatened and then invite someone who makes her unhappy to her party.

But I also agree with encouraging children to know they can change. So I'd tell dd to say to friend if she shows over the next few months at school that she really does want to be a good friend then perhaps they can do something at Christmas together.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/08/2020 13:31

My younger dd has only recently had a phone, she is 13.
9 is too young.
I would block this girl, and then she can’t keep bullying your daughter. I would also send her mother the texts.
I am all for being fair re parties, but in this case you can only invite limited numbers anyway, and also the behaviour has been so appalling that she shouldn’t be invited anyway.

kaleishorrid · 09/08/2020 13:31

@Jeremyironsnothing

Give your dd an "out"

Tell her to tell the girl that she would like her to come as she wants to be friends but her mum, aka you, won't let her invite her because you've seen a few of the texts.

At least that way your dd can continue to be civil with her and some of the nastiness might disappear. Explain to dd what the difference between being civil and friendly is.

I agree with this. 9 is young - they may well be friends in the future.
Icantrememebrtheartist · 09/08/2020 13:33

This is NOT a silly petty fall out between two equally responsible nine year olds. YOUR child is being BULLIED!! You need to teach your child this other girls behaviour is NOT acceptable and is BULLYING!! And no one has to accept being bullied!

Answer the call yourself. Tell this child she is not invited because her behaviour towards your daughter is unacceptable and friends don’t treat each other like that so she will not be invited to her party. Ask to speak to the child’s mother and reiterate what you have said to the child.

kaleishorrid · 09/08/2020 13:34

Sorry sent message too soon.

My ds is 20 now but from about 9 onwards I have always said if you don't want to do something just use me as a get out. Say my mum won't let me. My DS has told me that this has helped him so much over the years as nobody then tries to persuade him.

Berthatydfil · 09/08/2020 13:35

I would say no to inviting her and I wouldn’t lie or give an excuse of restricted numbers as that implies she might have been invited if the numbers were higher or if someone declined.
Your dd reached out to her on the friendship day and asked her to be friends - she said no.
At 9 she isn’t too young to learn about relationships and that actions have consequences.
So if she asks your dd again she can say - “ I asked to be friends but you said no. So I’m inviting daisy and poppy who are my real friends”
If mum approaches you you can tell her “ Gurls don’t seem to be getting on very well at the moment so it’s close friends only”
I agree with blocking or restricting your dds phone so she can’t contact her.
I would keep an eye on things when they go back to school

Tavannach · 09/08/2020 13:40

Please please don’t bother school about this they are so busy, these parents lack responsibility - it serves them right

I never understand why people think or say this. It's part of a school's responsibility to teach social skills. It's why all schools are required to have and to implement an anti-bullying policy.

Randomname85 · 09/08/2020 13:41

More than anything if she is invited I think he behaviour is then being enabled. She needs to learn you can’t treat people that way and then suddenly get what you want. Calling her a bitch and saying her mum will ‘batter’ her (nice) isn’t just falling out.

1forAll74 · 09/08/2020 13:42

No way. You don't need cheeky, sneaky little girls at the party. She should know better how to behave with friends, But maybe your daughter will overlook the silliness of this girl , if she herself is of a sweet nature.

MagentaADomestic · 09/08/2020 13:42

I agree with you, don't invite her.

Ilovesandwiches · 09/08/2020 13:44

Absolutely wouldn’t be inviting her, yes all young girls have fallings out but saying those things to your Dd was extremely unkind. Just invite the girls who have been real friends to her, she may feel a bit on edge with that girl around anyway. I hope she has a lovely time xx

Cornishclio · 09/08/2020 13:45

This is not a falling out it is downright bullying. Did you tell your MIL what the girl said? Threatening her mother battering your DD is nasty and I would in no way encourage any friendship between them. Teach your DD that she has the right to set boundaries and as bullies pick on what they perceive as weak individuals she would do better to stand her ground and say she does not want her there. Do not encourage her to lie either to spare the girls feelings or the parents and just say to her "no, I do not want you to come as you were nasty to me online and I do not like bullies.". If we teach our kids to stand up to them in a nice way then there would be less bullies around.

2bazookas · 09/08/2020 13:54

This is one of those occasions when parent shelters DC with a convenient Parental Diktat.

  "You're  not invited,  My Mum won't let you come to our house."
nanbread · 09/08/2020 14:00

Exactly and this is why I disagree with a lot of MNetters when they say you can't leave 1 child out of a whole class party.

Yes you can if they've been a nasty bully, why wouldn't you?

Well most whole class parties are for reception and year 1, round here anyway. To exclude a single 4/5 year old does seem pretty unkind IMO.

Highlights12 · 09/08/2020 14:01

No way. I'd say sorry but we were sorting numbers out the day I txt you asking to be friends again as I needed to know whether to include you or not as your reply was no you were not included.

TorgosPizza · 09/08/2020 14:01

MIL should mind her own business in this matter. A 9-year-old calling one of her "friends" a bitch? No, thank you! Zero tolerance for that nonsense! Even if this other girl weren't so completely awful, I think nine is old enough to recognise the existence of friendship groups. Not everyone has to be invited to everything, and if you're nasty, you definitely don't get invited.

Glad to read that your daughter is learning that she doesn't have to put up with abusive "friends".

GlassMarble · 09/08/2020 14:03

Teach your daughter it’s ok not to put up with people who treat her like shit.

This is an important lesson for her to learn.

Her feelings are not less valid than “upsetting” a nasty kid.