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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be sure if mum’s husband should be granddad to DD

132 replies

June628 · 09/08/2020 10:53

After some thoughts if I’m being unreasonable in my thinking...
I have a 6.5mo DD. My dad died in 2013, him and my mum were already divorced at that point. She has since remarried a nice enough guy but I am not particularly close to him. I don’t call him my step-dad.
Since having DD my mum is very concerned about what she will call this man. My mum wants him to be a “proper” granddad.
I always said DD can call him whatever she wants but have since realised she’ll call him whatever we refer to him as in front of her. I don’t feel comfortable calling this man granddad in front of her but my mum is pushing it.
AIBU to not want him to be granddad as I feel that’s disrespectful to my dad and we don’t have a close relationship like that or should I just let it slide and not be bothered?

OP posts:
beelola · 09/08/2020 10:55

It's a difficult one and I think it depends on the relationship they have. Does he think of her as his granddaughter?

Minai · 09/08/2020 10:56

YANBU. If you aren’t comfortable with it and feel like it’s disrespectful to your dad you shouldn’t have to make him ‘grandad’ just because that’s what your mum wants. Your daughter can call him by his first name and still develop a loving relationship with him.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 09/08/2020 10:58

My dad gets called grandad by ds and mums husband is a short version of his name .

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 09/08/2020 11:00

Sorry , just meant to add , my dad lives abroad and we dont see him that often , mums husband is very involved in ds life and does lots of grandad type things with him . His ' title ' is irrelevant

dontlikebeards · 09/08/2020 11:00

He needs a nickname like papa, pops etc if grandad doesn't feel right to you. Please remember that although he hasn't been in your life long he has been there from the start with your dd.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/08/2020 11:01

I think you are over thinking this.
I think it’s fine for your child to call him grandad and you call him by his name. Your daughter will pick up on the difference and you can tell her all about your dad.
Essentially your mums partner will play a grandad type role in your child’s life.
Children are a lot more comfortable with a grey area than we give them credit for.

OverTheRainbow88 · 09/08/2020 11:02

Our step parents are called the same as non step, but 2 aren’t English so we use the word for grandad/mum from their country.

Thistly · 09/08/2020 11:03

The name he is called won’t dictate the quality of relationship they have. That is up to him.

LordOfTheOnionRings · 09/08/2020 11:05

Our DS will call my mums husband grandad. He has been around for about 5 years and although I in no way see him as a father figure, my mum loves him dearly and wants him to be a part of the family. I know my mum would be hurt if his grandkids would call her by her first name and i dont want to cause that kind of upset. They are married so he presumably will be around for a lot of my sons life.

PuppyMonkey · 09/08/2020 11:07

Could he be referred to as Granddad Dave or something? Just so it’s kind of acknowledging a slight difference in his status?

Commentutappelles · 09/08/2020 11:09

Dd does not call my father's partner "grandma " or any version thereof, she uses her first name. The thought of another woman having the name that should have been dm's had she not died makes me so sad. His partner is perfectly nice, but she is his partner, not my family.

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/08/2020 11:10

With all respect this is the only granddad your dd will know from your side. I think you should think of this from her perspective than yours but I appreciate this is difficult - if he treats her well, and wants to be an active grandparent, then I would be doing everything in my power to let it happen.

Lazypuppy · 09/08/2020 11:12

Just because you aren't close, doesn't mean he won't be with your chils, your child will never have known him not being around.

If he acts like a grandad why shouldn't he? Kids can never have too many grandparents/family imo

Ajahd · 09/08/2020 11:17

I have a similar situation to you although my mum passed away while they were together and my dad remarried 5 years later. I'm due next month. I grew up with one Granparent and I called her Nanny. I always assumed my mum would've also been Nanny. I had no issue with my dad's wife being a grandparent, however I didn't want her called Nanny. My Dad brought it up that he was speaking with his wife and her family and they asked what she would be called, and my dad jumped in with 'my daughter called her's Nanny', just to add his wife is American so they have different names than what we would use I suppose. They decided that's what she would be called before speaking to me and told her extended family. When he told me about this I eventually explained about how it made me feel, and how I felt like I would always want my Mum to be Nanny, he was upset because they'd told everyone already that she would be called Nanny. I really don't mine what she's called, Granny, Grandma or whatever else she wants to be called, just not Nanny!

Herja · 09/08/2020 11:17

Ex MILs husband was very clear he didn't want to be called grandad (as all the children had various different combinations of blood grandparents already). He was known as 'Mr Bill' (Bill is not his real name, but the name the kids used was an abreviation of his normal name). This has worked out well for everyone. He has a 'special' name in the family, and noone felt odd - as an adult - calling someone, or being called, grandad who wasn't really.

TidyDancer · 09/08/2020 11:17

I can understand the dilemma. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable in this circumstance either. I think whatever you decide to do is fine, but I think I would prefer to have a different name than grandad. Maybe grandad would be a decent compromise.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/08/2020 11:20

I’d feel the same. He won’t be her actual grandparent so not sure why your mum would assume he will he called grandad.

I’d use his name and if they form a relationship they can choose a nickname etc at that point.

Nottherealslimshady · 09/08/2020 11:27

We're ttc atm so DH and I have has this conversation. My mum met her husband when I was 14. I dont like him, he wasnt nice to me and he isn't nice to my mum so that impacts my decision. He will be known by his name.
My step mum, now divorced from my dad will be whatever she feels comfortable with, if she wants to be granny then she will be.

It totally depends on how you feel about them and if you want him to have a close relationship with your child. What do you picture their relationship being?

x2boys · 09/08/2020 11:27

I had a much loved ( Step ) Grandad him and my Grandma married in their early 60,s both widowed ,between them they had 17 Grandchildren we all just called them Grandma and Grandad,also my children have a (step ) Grandad who is known as Grandad first name .

Original poster
June628 · 09/08/2020 11:28

I’m so glad I’m not being completely off with my thinking as a lot of you agree!
I find my mum very difficult to talk to and if I express my feelings she will no doubt not be happy about it but it’s probably what’s necessary.
I really didn’t want to make it into a big deal but she keeps pushing it and it’s starting to grate on me, which is probably why I’m overthinking it. It’s something I did not spend any time thinking about until she brought it up several times.

OP posts:
Original poster
June628 · 09/08/2020 11:31

@Nottherealslimshady

We're ttc atm so DH and I have has this conversation. My mum met her husband when I was 14. I dont like him, he wasnt nice to me and he isn't nice to my mum so that impacts my decision. He will be known by his name. My step mum, now divorced from my dad will be whatever she feels comfortable with, if she wants to be granny then she will be.

It totally depends on how you feel about them and if you want him to have a close relationship with your child. What do you picture their relationship being?

If I’m honest I really don’t see them having a close relationship due to the way my mum‘s husband is, but I think he will be present because she will be. He just doesn’t seem that bothered about children, so I know that when my mum expressed these feelings, they’re hers and not his.
OP posts:
doublehelix · 09/08/2020 11:31

It can be tricky but in many ways is the opposite of how we would like grandparents to treat step grandchildren. We think it's awful to make a distinction and only eg treat biological grandchild.

If they are going to act as a grandparent and give their time/love and have a role they probably deserve the name. Can be a slightly different one from what would have been your dad's though as a compromise.

Longdistance · 09/08/2020 11:32

My mil remarried. My dh doesn’t call her dh stepdad, he just calls him by his name. My dds call him grandad Bob (not his real name). It works, he is really good to them and has been since they were born, so he deserves a grandad.
Depends how he’s been with your lo. If he’s not too involved he can just be called by his name.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/08/2020 11:32

A BiL of mine has for many years been the much-loved, non-biological granddad to his partner’s own grandchildren. I don’t think there was ever any discussion about what the Gdcs should call him.
Still, if you’re not happy with it, find another nice name to use.

lyralalala · 09/08/2020 11:37

In your situation I would give him a different Grandfather name - Grampa, Papa, Pops. Keep Grandad for your Dad (even if it's only for you on occasions when you talk about your Dad to your DD) and give him something else.

That way if he surprises you and does have a close relationship then the name is there, but if he doesn't it'll be less annoying for you on the occasions it is used.