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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be sure if mum’s husband should be granddad to DD

132 replies

June628 · 09/08/2020 10:53

After some thoughts if I’m being unreasonable in my thinking...
I have a 6.5mo DD. My dad died in 2013, him and my mum were already divorced at that point. She has since remarried a nice enough guy but I am not particularly close to him. I don’t call him my step-dad.
Since having DD my mum is very concerned about what she will call this man. My mum wants him to be a “proper” granddad.
I always said DD can call him whatever she wants but have since realised she’ll call him whatever we refer to him as in front of her. I don’t feel comfortable calling this man granddad in front of her but my mum is pushing it.
AIBU to not want him to be granddad as I feel that’s disrespectful to my dad and we don’t have a close relationship like that or should I just let it slide and not be bothered?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/08/2020 12:35

I had a stepmother who I wasn't close to and she married my father when I'd left home so not a mother figure.

But she was a good Nana to my kids and they knew no other

Original poster
June628 · 09/08/2020 12:35

@Wolfff oh she absolutely is!

OP posts:
Original poster
June628 · 09/08/2020 12:37

@opentheblinds that’s really cute, haven’t heard it done that way before!

OP posts:
Original poster
June628 · 09/08/2020 12:38

@dontdisturbmenow whilst I’m sure you didn’t mean it to be, I found your comment quite hurtful. Unfortunately my child won’t get to meet my dad, no, but to say she won’t know anything about him isn’t kind.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 09/08/2020 12:39

My mother remarried in 1981 when I was 21. Her husband is a nice man who has been great with my DC. My father, their grandfather died in 2001.

I know, mother knows, her husband knows and the children knew that her husband is not my father. He is not therefore the children's grandfather. I call him Gerry. The children call him Gerry because neither is he their uncle which I recall somebody suggesting. I cannot comprehend why anybody would think it appropriate to call him grandad. Rather as I would not dream of calling my MIL mum. She is not my mother, I therefore call her by her name "Joan".

So op, your mother's husband imo should be called his first name.

IlonaRN · 09/08/2020 12:39

My dad died when I was 12. My Mum remarried when I was in my 20's.

When I visited when I was pregnant, they brought the subject up, "you'll have new names, so will we" type of thing. I said I had thought Mum would want to be Mormor (mum's mum), and that he was welcome to be Morfar (directly translated mum's dad) if he would like to be. He was really very pleased, and is a great grandad to my son.

I don't think it took anything away from my dad, and certainly nothing away from my son. He knows that Mummy's Daddy is dead, but he knows my stepdad as Morfar.

Branleuse · 09/08/2020 12:41

my kids call my mums partner grandad as well as my dad. They also call both dps dad and his stepdad papie.
I wouldn't overthink it

AuntieMarys · 09/08/2020 12:41

I am a SM to adults. I am called by my name. If my own children have dcs, I will probably be called by my name as well.

Namealreadyinuse1 · 09/08/2020 12:43

I think you have to do whatever makes you comfortable. My DH GS refers to me by my first name and we have a lovely relationship. He knows me and Grandad come as a pair but I was initially uncomfortable with ‘forcing’ my way through as an official grandparent.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/08/2020 12:43

@June628, I didn't mean it as she 3o y know anything about him, I'm sure you'll talk about him, show her pictures etc... but however hurtful it is, he won't mean that much to her because she'll never get to know him. He will be a mystical person, one who she'll know was special because of how much you loved him.

But she does the right to build bonds with all the people who will be much present in her life, including deciding of her own that she doesn't like him much or want to call him grandad of it comes to it.

BaronessBomburst · 09/08/2020 12:49

DM has always pushed for her husband to be granddad. However he and DS don't like each other, it shows, and since DS has grown old enough to form his own opinions he has. Grin I just stay out of it.

SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 12:51

He is not your DD grandad, she should call him by his name.

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2020 12:52

I tend to think the person pushing is the one being unreasonable on this subject, whether that be pushing to be called something, or insisting someone cannot be something. So it is your mum that is being unreasonable in my view. It doesn't need to be a big deal.

I would just call him something that you don't mind calling him, people use all sorts of weird and wonderful names for family members.

BlingLoving · 09/08/2020 12:52

Agree with others that an alternative name is the way forward here. It's not quite the same, but PIL and my parents are called different things by the DC. This is in part due to cultural differences, but it really works well for us as when we say, "grandpa" everyone knows who we are talking about and we don't have to specify if it's my dad or DH's dad. So I'd say to your mum that Granddad is what you think of your dad as, and how you will refer to him when talking to the DC about him, so you'd like to find an alternative for your stepdad (and he is your stepfather, no matter how you think of him). Pops or whatever work well I'd think.

2020meh · 09/08/2020 12:53

If, for example, your mum's second husband is called Dave then you could opt for "Granddad Dave".

If he was still alive, your Dad would presumably have been just "Granddad" with no extra name after it so this kind of reserves that name for him even though he's not "around to use it.

If your mum keeps saying Granddad when referring to her husband it'll be easy enough to plant "Granddad Dave" in your children's minds as his name if you talk about "Grandma and Granddad Dave" when referring to them and they'll start calling him that whatever she does.

You could alternatively speak to your Mum's husband about it, although this always has the potential to go badly.

Jux · 09/08/2020 12:53

We always called sFIL by his name, so dd did too. She went through a phase of calling him grandad (to please MIL I think) but went back to using his name after a while. He wasn't a very nice man.

Sistery · 09/08/2020 12:54

I feel like it takes nothing away from anyone so better to be generous.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/08/2020 12:55

I cannot comprehend why anybody would think it appropriate to call him grandad

I'm the child in your scenario and I have the absolute opposite opinion. My mum and I might not agree on many things but she (and her siblings) believed it wasn't her place to tell me (and my cousins) what to call him. He was a grandfather to us all in actions, certainly more than my other biological one and we all called him Grandad (our parents called him by his name). At his funeral, it wasn't just his one biological grandchild mentioned in the eulogy, it was all of us. My male cousins carried the coffin as grandsons. Personally I think calling him by his name as a child would have been an insult to a wonderful gentle kind man.

My dad is dead and I wish every day he wasn't, that he'd lived long enough to meet my youngest however if my mum remarried and whoever it was stepped up to be "grandad" then it would be between him and my children.

PicsInRed · 09/08/2020 12:56

50% of marriages fail, there is no biological or adoptive connection and you have little relationship with him - he could completely drop out of your DDs life suddenly at any point.

It would be odd and risky to make him an official grandparent that DD could "lose".

Family titles also mean something. Simply giving away such an important title and role is disrespectful IMO.

GisAFag · 09/08/2020 12:57

I never called my stepdad Dad even though they were together since I was 11, I even said he was my grandad cos he was so old

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2020 12:58

"My mum wants him to be a “proper” granddad."
What does she mean by that? Called 'granddad', or behave like one?

The fact that your mum is pushing it would have made me dig in my heels My own mother learned not to do this to me - I pushed back. But that worked within our relationship, how do you think it would work within yours, given that you describe her as "very difficult to talk to"? How we she react to 'he's not her granddad' / 'I don't think so' / a straight no? She may not be happy about that, but there's damned all she can do.

Aria2015 · 09/08/2020 12:59

What about 'uncle' followed by his fist name? That's how I refer to my step-mother and ex step-father to my lo. It's more familiar than just using their name but not the same 'level' as grandad or grandma.

SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 13:00

@PicsInRed

50% of marriages fail, there is no biological or adoptive connection and you have little relationship with him - he could completely drop out of your DDs life suddenly at any point.

It would be odd and risky to make him an official grandparent that DD could "lose".

Family titles also mean something. Simply giving away such an important title and role is disrespectful IMO.

This.
PerfectionistProcrastinator · 09/08/2020 13:05

Currently trying to conceive and would be in a similar situation myself. My Dad passed away in 2012 and my mum has been with her partner for a few years now.

I was pregnant a couple of years ago and it sadly ended in miscarriage. When I told my mum about it she was saying (in an excited manor) that her partner with be asking to be called grandad. I didn’t respond to that comment. He has 2 daughters that he has no contact with, supposedly because they don’t respond to him.

I feel the exact same way as you do and I’ve decided that if we are lucky enough to have a baby, I will refer to him with a different name as a previous poster suggested. So either Grandad Jon, or pops or something. Because I can totally understand my mum wanting him to not feel excluded, but at the same time he’s not my dad and I’ll never see him as a father figure to me.

YANBU

user1493413286 · 09/08/2020 13:07

My dad died in 2010 and for a few years after I wouldn’t have wanted my mums husband to be referred to as grandad but when I had DD in 2017 I decided I wanted her to feel she was surrounded by grandparents and we call him grandpa and my dad is referred to as grandad.