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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be sure if mum’s husband should be granddad to DD

132 replies

June628 · 09/08/2020 10:53

After some thoughts if I’m being unreasonable in my thinking...
I have a 6.5mo DD. My dad died in 2013, him and my mum were already divorced at that point. She has since remarried a nice enough guy but I am not particularly close to him. I don’t call him my step-dad.
Since having DD my mum is very concerned about what she will call this man. My mum wants him to be a “proper” granddad.
I always said DD can call him whatever she wants but have since realised she’ll call him whatever we refer to him as in front of her. I don’t feel comfortable calling this man granddad in front of her but my mum is pushing it.
AIBU to not want him to be granddad as I feel that’s disrespectful to my dad and we don’t have a close relationship like that or should I just let it slide and not be bothered?

OP posts:
GennyCrabby · 09/08/2020 11:38

How about something similar but different? Pops, Poppa, Papa, Gramps, Grandpa, Grandpop, Grandy... something that illustrates that sort of relationship but isn't the exact same as the thing you think of as your father's role.

Thelnebriati · 09/08/2020 11:38

Its up to your DD and your Mum shouldn't be pushing the issue.

MumW · 09/08/2020 11:42

Can you think of some other pet name to keep the peace or would you be happy with Grandad-name?

MumW · 09/08/2020 11:43

"Pappy" seems to be a thing around here but not heard it anywhere else.

AudacityOfHope · 09/08/2020 11:45

We had a similar situation and 'actual' Grandad was Grandad, the other Grandad John. Kids don't actually give a shit about the complexities of adult relationship, and will only see one more person who loves them 🤷🏻‍♀️

angelofthelight · 09/08/2020 11:46

Pops is what we use here.

Spied · 09/08/2020 11:47

Grandad -name-.
Adding his name to the grandad would be the way I'd go.
Your Dad can be known and talked about as just 'Grandad'.

2155User · 09/08/2020 11:53

The name he is called won’t dictate the quality of relationship they have. That is up to him.

This.

Viviennemary · 09/08/2020 12:08

If you don't want him to be called Grandad then he shouldn't be. He isn't your DDs grandfather.

FatCatThinCat · 09/08/2020 12:09

My nan's husband was always Uncle 'Bob'. He was 100% my grandad as he was the one who actually showed and interest. My biological grandad never bothered.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/08/2020 12:10

Its not about you but your child. Your child won't know anything about your dad and will be much too young to understand about loyalty.

If he is going to be part of her life as her grandma husband then yes, he should be granddad. He might not be the best grandad in the world, but it still what he will be in the societal customs that she'll grow up in.

HouchinBawbags · 09/08/2020 12:14

My step mum is Mavis (not Mavis but let's say that's her name). She's been in dads life since just before my eldest was born but she's not grandma. I just call her her name. The kids do too. The kids are with you more often than not so just use your SM's name all the time. It'll likely stick.

HouchinBawbags · 09/08/2020 12:14

Sorry, Stepdad's name.

thelonggame · 09/08/2020 12:16

my dad has passed away too, and same as you my parents had divorced before he died and my mum has remarried.
I call my step-dad by his christian name, but to my kids he's grandad, and it would have still been the same had my dad been alive - they would have had two grandads on my side of the family.
As someone else said upthread, I don't think kids can have too many grandparents.

opentheblinds · 09/08/2020 12:18

We use Grand so as an example GrandJim.

This step parent we sort of like in that he is harmless and makes his partner happy. They are very unlikely to have grandkids of their own so wanted to have a slightly affectionate name in case they wanted to take on a grandparent role but equally not overly honoured if not. It was important to the grandparent for their partner to be involved.

We don’t like the other step grandparent and neither on that side very involved or bothered so they are just their name. Equally I don’t think they would have appreciated any sort of gran or grand title.

jackstini · 09/08/2020 12:19

Our dc call DM's partner by his name, but that was what he was comfortable with at the time

14 years in though I would say that whilst I don't think of him as a father figure, I love him dearly and he is definitely an integral part of our family. The dc do think of him as a grandparent and if they wanted to ever call him Grandad X I would be ok with it

It's about their relationship with him, not mine (yours) if that makes sense?

nancybotwinbloom · 09/08/2020 12:20

I'm a step nan, I don't mind what I'm called.

I love my granddaughter very much so but she's not talking yet so I will see what my SS tells her to call me.

It makes no odds to me.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 09/08/2020 12:22

If he wants to be very involved, and loves your baby like his own grandchild, then it won't matter what he is called. The type of relationship they have is going to be down to his behaviour. You say you can't see them being close because of the way that he is - sounds to me as though you anticipate him being distant. If that's the case then I don't think it matters what he is called and there's no point in your mum fretting about this. You calling him grandad won't make him a grandad in the baby's eyes.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 09/08/2020 12:22

My partner's step-mum has always been called by her name by my children. She has probably been the most involved 'grandparent', due to my family being a long way away, even after her divorce from their grandad.
She has always seen being a part of my children's life as a privilege and she is extra to their other grandparents, but not less. She didn't need to be Grandma Carol, just Carol (not her real name).

DopamineHits · 09/08/2020 12:23

Call him "Granddad his name", like Granddad Steve, so you can still call him by his name and she will know him as a Granddad, your DM will ensure that part. That's how most people I know in this situation manage it.

ThisLittleLady · 09/08/2020 12:23

What about pap Neil? Or pops or something?

ThisLittleLady · 09/08/2020 12:24

Papa. Pap! Lol

Cam77 · 09/08/2020 12:26

@dontdisturbmenow
“Its not about you but your child. Your child won't know anything about your dad and will be much too young to understand about loyalty.

If he is going to be part of her life as her grandma husband then yes, he should be granddad. He might not be the best grandad in the world, but it still what he will be in the societal customs that she'll grow up in.“

Agree. Presuming your mum’s husband wants to act as a grandad and be known as grandad. It would be kind of mean to not refer to him as such just because he isn’t biologically related. If he were not a nice guys or had just been around a few weeeks perhaps that would be different.

Wolfff · 09/08/2020 12:29

I didn’t like my Mum’s husband but ‘pretended’ he was my step father under pressure from my Mum. They married when I was in my 20s.

While saying that, he had a good relationship with both my DDs, and they called him granddad. My younger DD was devastated when he died last year. They were closer to him than DH’s dad. He got on with them a lot better than his biological grandchildren who he rarely saw. We didn’t see either my Mum or her husband for 5 years at one point due to my Mum’s abusive behaviour which I felt he went along with.

Frankly, I would play along with it for now to keep the peace and see how it pans out. I think the issue here is your Mum.

Soontobe60 · 09/08/2020 12:33

My dd1 calls her stepdad by his name. Her ds now has 3 grandmas ( me, her MIL and her dfs partner) and 3 grandpas (her df, fil and my dh)