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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be sure if mum’s husband should be granddad to DD

132 replies

June628 · 09/08/2020 10:53

After some thoughts if I’m being unreasonable in my thinking...
I have a 6.5mo DD. My dad died in 2013, him and my mum were already divorced at that point. She has since remarried a nice enough guy but I am not particularly close to him. I don’t call him my step-dad.
Since having DD my mum is very concerned about what she will call this man. My mum wants him to be a “proper” granddad.
I always said DD can call him whatever she wants but have since realised she’ll call him whatever we refer to him as in front of her. I don’t feel comfortable calling this man granddad in front of her but my mum is pushing it.
AIBU to not want him to be granddad as I feel that’s disrespectful to my dad and we don’t have a close relationship like that or should I just let it slide and not be bothered?

OP posts:

SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 13:08

I used to call my nan’s second husband Uncle ....

InfiniteSheldon · 09/08/2020 13:09

It depends on the level of involvement myself and dh look after, love, buy presents for and celebrate all our dgc equally we have 2 'adopted' via my goddaughter who have no other 'granny' but me and 3 'grandads' 1 bio 2 not. We have 3 more bio to me but not him who have 3 'Grandma's' and 3 'Granddads'. My dh gets up at night does bottles nappies reads books takes them fishing they all adore him and none of them care about his dna. If you care this much and are willing to hurt your dm use his name and discourage any real relationship. Or defend your bio dad and reject this offer of grandparental love and responsibility. Your actions will have consequences for your dc decide what relationship you'd like to foster.

Scrumptiousbears · 09/08/2020 13:09

I'm in my 40s now so some time ago but when I was a child I never called my Nans husband grandad (real grandad had died some years earlier) and never called my Grandads wife nan (other side of the family and Due to a divorce).

Likewise my children don't call partners Nan or Grandad.

sadie9 · 09/08/2020 13:10

Call him by his first name. We are going to Gran & Jimmy's house.
The real issue here is that you are deeply missing your Dad's presence and the fact that he isn't around to see your beautiful girl.
He was her grandad whether here or not here. Your mum's husband is not your stepdad.
Your mother sounds pushy and like she wants to make everything all nicey nicey to suit the ideal world in her head.
It's not up to her what you or your DD call her husband. She should stay out of it. You can explain to 'Jimmy' how you are feeling and that it feels disloyal and dismissing of your Dad somehow.
If he is indeed a lovely man he will understand completely.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 09/08/2020 13:12

I'd go with the Grand"firstname" thing, or even just his first name, if that's what you and your DH call him when talking about him. Obviously if you and DH call him "that scrofulous cockwomble" or similar, between yourselves, I'd re-think it.

AmyandPhilipfan · 09/08/2020 13:15

My dad died in 2008. He would have been a fantastic grandad to my daughter because he was brilliant with my oldest nephews and niece. They all adored him and have happy memories of him. But my daughter won’t. She might enjoy a few stories about him as she gets older but he will never be Grandad to her because she never met him. My mum never remarried and at 75 is unlikely to now. So my daughter will never have a grandad on my side of the family. And I think that’s quite sad. If my mum was with someone else I would gladly let him take the role of grandad in her life because I think it’s an important role. My mum has always been called Nanny by her stepchildren’s children and they’ve always had a close relationship. She did say when they were born she didn’t mind if they used her first name but I think it’s been good for them to always have her as a grandmother - to them she is as much part of the family as their biological grandparents.

zafferana · 09/08/2020 13:18

What do you call him OP? That's what my DC call my step-dad - the same name that I do. It's not his name, it's a nickname, and it works really well. Stepmum wanted to be 'grandma' and as my DM isn't grandma (she also has a nickname), I was okay with that. I call her by her name and the DC understand that she isn't their grandma, it's just that she's married to their grandad. DH's parents are Grandma and Grandpa [surname], so it all works out okay.

Allthebestusernameshavegone · 09/08/2020 13:19

My children call my husbands step mother Nanny (name) it works well for us. The kids love her and even though we don’t see them often due to distance, she’s fab with them. She was over the moon when we started referring to her as Nanny (name).
Saying that it all depends on your relationship with them. It’s your choice at the end of the day and if you don’t like it then just get the kids to call him by his name. He doesn’t have to have a pet name like pops, or any of that nonsense.

isadorapolly · 09/08/2020 13:20

If you’re not comfortable with it then just call him by his name. It’s not up to your mum.

I don’t know why people do this. I wouldn’t want to be called grandma by kids I wasn’t even related to.

whiskeysourpuss · 09/08/2020 13:23

My stepdad was grandad to my DD's but he'd been in my life since I was 7 & was a wonderful grandad to them - we've recently been reading his old diaries & it's lovely for them to read about how much he loved & cared for them as he died when they were 7 & 6.

DS was born 3 weeks after he died but still knows him as grandad, he knows that his middle name was given in honour of my stepdad & if we're going to be in the area of the cemetery where he's buried DS will ask if we can pop in to visit.

All 3 DC's call my stepmum gran, again she's been in my life since I was 2 & although her & my dad live over 500 miles away she still has a good relationship with the DC's.

I don't think they'd have been granted gran & grandad if they had entered my life as an adult though as I wouldn't have had the same relationship with them.

GrolliffetheDragon · 09/08/2020 13:26

because neither is he their uncle which I recall somebody suggesting.

It's not unusual to have 'aunts' and 'uncles' who are close friends of the family but not actually blood relatives is it? I had quite a few.

GetUpAgain · 09/08/2020 13:27

I've had a similar situation and my dc are now teens. I stuck to my guns that a certain name was off limits as its what my mum would have been called if she was alive. Of course thats the only name my step mil wanted to use. I have consistently called her a different grandmother name instead and that's what the kids use too. She still writes the off-limits name on cards and the DC roll their eyes and don't call her it. We are v low contact with her as she's so disrespectful.

Good luck and don't cave in, when you have lost a parent, its very hard to create a grandparent relationship. Stick to what you feel comfortable with.

crazychemist · 09/08/2020 13:28

Agree with PP who suggested a different nickname e.g. “pops”. Or by name is also fine. My mum’s dad died 15 years before I was born, I called her subsequent husbands by their name - children just accept what you tell them and don’t question it till much later. My DH has always called his stepmother by her first name (teenager when they married, and never lived together), but my DD calls her grandma at her request. That doesn’t change the love that she feels for her biological grandparents.

Randomname85 · 09/08/2020 13:33

Just find a nice nickname that works. My stepdad has one with my daughter and it’s his short name repeated - so like DanDan or JayJay. Just happened that way really.

laudete · 09/08/2020 13:34

Stick with your original thought that DD will call him whatever she wants, whenever she's old enough to name him. It doesn't matter what you call him; children have their own creative minds. Idk if grandpa/grandad is more difficult to pronounce than meemaw, nonna, laolao, mormor, etc. But, it often seems to be the grandfather who ends up with the "special" baby name. (Which will be used by any and all subsequent grandchildren till the end of time, as they echo their siblings/cousins and ignore the adults.)

As for your mom's concern, he will be a "proper" grandfather if he chooses to act like one. That is not dependent on his moniker or your mom's wishes; it is dependent on his actions. He came into your life late so you didn't really need/want any stepparenting as such. But, he's here soon enough to do some stepgrandparenting if he's willing and able.

Lilymossflower · 09/08/2020 13:36

Just call him by his name ... Child can decide later once she learns about grandad's and stuff if she wants to apply that name to him

Enko · 09/08/2020 13:38

My children call my stepdad for Bedstefar (direct transGranddad) my dad is known as Morfar (mums dad) My niece calls our stepdad by his name. I lived with stepdad from age5 whereas my sister never lived with him.

My dad picked what he wanted to be called (morfar) with my niece. So when I had children this left Bedstefar for stepdad to be. He was thrilled.

Late FIL was known as Grandad to his grandchildren however dd coined her own name for him and merged the Danish and English and called him Grandfar.

I would not use grandad if I was you as you are not comfortable with it. Find a name you feel ok about if you are ok with him having a different name. It is all about what you feel comfortable about. It has never caused confusion my children using a different name to stepgrandad to niece.

Daisychains20 · 09/08/2020 13:42

I would seriously think about what you want and not what your mum wants. It’s different if the man you called your step dad but from your posts you are not that close.

I know 3 boys who have 5 grandads! Yes 5 it’s crazy!

Floralnomad · 09/08/2020 13:43

I’d also agree with just find a nickname or even a foreign name for granddad that you are happy with . I do know how you feel ,my fantastic dad died before I had either of my children , my mum never remarried so they had just the one grandad and frankly he was bloody useless ( as well as being a racist and homophobic ) and it used to piss me off that he was called grandad on the odd occasion my children saw him even though he was their actual biological grandad .

itsgettingweird · 09/08/2020 13:44

What do you currently refer to them as in front of DD?

If you say "nanny and Jim" for example then she's already hearing that.

If your mum says "nanny and grandad" she's hearing that much less but is hearing it.

I guess the choice you have to make is whether you want what's happening now to carry on and let her choose the name of if you want mum to change what she's saying (if she saying grandad)

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 09/08/2020 13:48

When I was expecting DC1 I asked my parents and step-parents what they would like to be known as. I also told my step-parents that I would be honoured if they had a 'grandparent' title but appreciated they might to want save that until their own children had children.

Step dad chose to be Grandpa name
Step mum chose Nana name.
By the time DS could talk the name part had been dropped and they are Grandpa and Nana. Step siblings are Aunties and Uncles.

2bazookas · 09/08/2020 13:59

Call him Pop or Baloo or some other nickname. Can you adapt his first name into something?

Original poster

June628 · 09/08/2020 14:03

I just call him by his first name. I don’t really refer to him as anything to my DD because I just don’t talk about him.
A PP was right that my mother is trying to create the perfect little family for her and isn’t really thinking about me in this at all.
The more I think about it the more I am swaying towards just using his first name like I always have and if DD ever wants to call him something different then that’s up to her. It feels totally unnatural to me to refer to him as grandad when talking about him and I’m sure when I next refer to him by name around my DD my mum will have something to say about it. I have no problem with him having a relationship with my DD and what she calls him shouldn’t come in the way of that.

OP posts:

Chickychickydodah · 09/08/2020 14:05

Grandad ————- (name)

BeeTrees · 09/08/2020 14:14

To give you the grandchild’s view.
My biological grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather remarried. To their adult children she is just a pleasant step mum who is not looking to replace their mum. To me she is absolutely my grandmother. They got married when I was little and I have never not known her in my life. My parents refer to her by name but she is grandma to me, and is the best grandma ever, so much so that I have to remember not to include her medical history that she isn’t my biological grandma. She has her own biological grandchildren from her first marriage (also widow) and we were all treated equally.

She never pushed it and if we had called her by her name she would have still loved us and been as lovely.

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