To not be sure if mum’s husband should be granddad to DD

[June628]

After some thoughts if I’m being unreasonable in my thinking...
I have a 6.5mo DD. My dad died in 2013, him and my mum were already divorced at that point. She has since remarried a nice enough guy but I am not particularly close to him. I don’t call him my step-dad.
Since having DD my mum is very concerned about what she will call this man. My mum wants him to be a “proper” granddad.
I always said DD can call him whatever she wants but have since realised she’ll call him whatever we refer to him as in front of her. I don’t feel comfortable calling this man granddad in front of her but my mum is pushing it.
AIBU to not want him to be granddad as I feel that’s disrespectful to my dad and we don’t have a close relationship like that or should I just let it slide and not be bothered?

Better than the "Uncle" my DM (widowed) wanted my DC to call her DH2. Confusing or what? We all ended up just calling him by his name. Your DD will probably follow your lead, and your DM can only encourage or suggest.

I know what you mean June. I think if the partner wasn't around when you were growing up - or you just don't have that strong a bond with them - it can feel odd thinking of them as a gp. Your situation is also more emotionally charged as your Dad died. My children refer to my Dad's wife as grandma but my Mum's husband isn't grandad - because he wasn't around when I was growing up and it felt wrong to refer to him as grandad. It doesn't feel odd referring to my Dads wife as grandma. It's just the way it is. I'm not trying to be awkward he just isn't grandad and the phrase stuck in my throat when I tried to use it. This situation isn't your fault. Your mum shouldn't be trying to force the issue.

@bigvig that’s exactly how I feel- it just sticks in my throat to say it.
I have no issue with involvement, even if I didn’t want him to be involved how would that work? Him and my mum come as a pair but it doesn’t make them equal GP in my eyes.
I don’t want to be unkind to him in any way but he has his own grandkids so I don’t feel like I’m really taking anything away from him.
To those suggesting I talk to him about it - that’s just not the kind of relationship we have. From what I know about him I would very much doubt he cares either way and it’s all being pushed by my mum’s need to have him be a proper member of the family.
His grandkids call her a grandparent name but I do find that strange as she has very little involvement with them but that’s not any of my business. It all feels very fake and for show.

My friend and her siblings knew their step-grandfather as “Uncle Ted”, my grandma’s boyfriend was “Uncle Steve”. Would that be an option?
I think you have the casting decision here, not your mum.

I think you are right and this is all coming from your mum's need for validation. Your choices are to ignore her/change the subject when she raises it but refer to him by whatever name you feel comfortable with. This was what I did - I literally just ignored the issue and used the name I wanted. I felt a little awkwardness and guilt at times but that was it. Or you can talk to your mum explaining clearly that you are not comfortable with the name grandad as you don't feel you have that sort of relationship, it stirs up negative emotions because of your father and you'd rather she dropped the issue. This is probably the best way if you want things resolved quickly - which is wise - but will probably create tension in the short term. It wouldn't last long unless there are other issues at play - in which case LC or NC might be a good idea. I wish you luck - your mum definitely shouldn't be putting you in this position.

I think you are correct and especially as he has grandchildren of his own. At some point your DD will want to know about her granddad, and it is not unusual for someone not to have four living grandparents when they are born.

My mum’s husband is absolutely not called grandad. He’s known by his first name. I don’t even agree that he needs a special nickname. If one develops naturally, fine, but I won’t be forcing one. Fortunately, my mum has never forced the issue as I think she probably could have guessed my feelings anyway.

He is not, and has never been, a father figure in my life. Perhaps if he had, I would feel differently. He obviously has a role in my son’s life but he’s not his grandad. However, all families and family dynamics are different and in other family situations it may feel far more natural for a parent’s partner to take on a grandparent name and role. I don’t think you mum is being fair pressing the issue.