To not be sure if mum’s husband should be granddad to DD

[June628]

After some thoughts if I’m being unreasonable in my thinking...
I have a 6.5mo DD. My dad died in 2013, him and my mum were already divorced at that point. She has since remarried a nice enough guy but I am not particularly close to him. I don’t call him my step-dad.
Since having DD my mum is very concerned about what she will call this man. My mum wants him to be a “proper” granddad.
I always said DD can call him whatever she wants but have since realised she’ll call him whatever we refer to him as in front of her. I don’t feel comfortable calling this man granddad in front of her but my mum is pushing it.
AIBU to not want him to be granddad as I feel that’s disrespectful to my dad and we don’t have a close relationship like that or should I just let it slide and not be bothered?

My cousin's referred to their stepmother by her first name, their children called her "Gramma Doro". They always referred to their late mother (when talking to their DC) as "Gramma". In fact, all of us cousins referred to her as "Aunt Doro". No one felt it was 'disrespectful' to our Aunt, my mum's sister. (Doro= not her real name)

They figured no child can have too many grandparents to love and care for them and Gramma Doro was a lovely, caring woman. So I'd say whether or not your DC call this man Bob or Grampa Bob depends on their relationship with him.

What do you think your dad would have felt about it?

Do you know what “grandad name” your dad would have chosen? Ie Grandad, Grandpa, Pops, Grampy etc? (If you are not sure I suspect it will be the same as you called his dad.)

One option would be to use one of the other names. So you refer to your mum and her husband as “Granny and Grandpa” whilst “Grandad” is mentally reserved for your dad.

Or “Grandad Dave” is another option - especially if your partner has a father also known as Grandad. (My kids have “Grandad Bob” and “Grandad Bill” or sometime “Nana and Grandad Grandad” and “Granny and Grandad Grandad” as our mums went for different names.)

As your mum has married this man he is probably around for keeps .. and your child will know no other ..

I would actually talk to HIM and ask what he would like to be.

My dad died before mine were born. My mum had remarried when I was in my 20s so not a father figure as such but he IS my step father . That's what your mothers husband is !

Mine call my stepfather Grandad.. he is involved and kind to them and my mum.. so why not. !
This isn't just about your mum. It's about you having a mistaken sense of 'loyalty' to your dad. Your mum wanting her husband to be recognised by her grandchild and your children having the opportunity of having a grandfather..

My stepmum is Nanna to my children. But she and my dad have been together since I was 11, and married since I was 14, so she's very much a constant. When DS1 was born 9 years ago, my mother was in a relationship with someone. She wanted him to have a pet name and for the sake of peace, I said he could be Grampy as my FIL was Grandad (older grandchildren on DHs side, so names already in place) and my dad is something personal to us. My mother declared it was too much like grumpy though and wanted Grandad. Again, I just went with it to keep the peace.

However, after they split up, he moved out, then they started seeing each other again, I said that he could just be his name as the DC needed stability. My mother then suddenly had a huge issue with my stepmum being Nanna and I had years and years of fallout from that.

Generally people that push and push and push for something, despite the other persons reservations do not like being told no. If you give in to this, she'll attempt to browbeat you into other things too.

If you are not comfortable, then stand your ground.

I would actually talk to HIM and ask what he would like to be.

And I agree so much with this. He might be really uncomfortable with 'Grandad' but your mum is also browbeating him into it. This should be a conversation between you and him. It doesn't actually need to involve your mum.

I’m all for step parents and grandparents etc. My children call my stepdad grandad but I guess the difference is my step dad brought me up and I never knew my real father.

In your case your dad died (I am very sorry to hear that). So YANBU for not wanting him to be called grandad.

It’s really tough.

My mil wants my children to call her partner grandad. My partner doesn’t consider him a Stepdad (got together when he was an adult). The bloke also doesn’t see his own kids or grandkids but that’s a different story..

Do whatever you think is right for you. It may then put that your mums partner will be a good role model in your children’s life. How about a nickname like pops or papa? (I have no ideas never used these terms myself). Or how about grandad and his first name? Rather than just Grandad. For example ‘grandad bob’.

It’s really up to you though.

Both dh and I had 'step' grandparents as our 'real' ones had died during ww2. Whilst our parents referred to their step aprents by name, both of us referred to them as grandad or nanny. And , in both our cases, the step grandparents were great. When our DCs were born, they too had step grandparents , but due to divorce, which meant they had both 'real' and 'step' grandparents. For us, it was important that our children were surrounded by people who lived them and we felt one way of ensuring that was to treat all grandparents the same, regardless of any biological link. My step dad was the most amazing grandad to our dcs, I truly cannot imagine anyone being more loving and caring, more interested or being a better grandad in any way. I'm so glad we chose to call him that because if anyone deserved to be called by that special name, it was him. My step mum, though I've never called her mum, was also a good grandparent and is now very chuffed that she is a great grandmother to my dgc.
I wouldn't worry about your dd not knowing your own dad. My fil died just before our dc1 was born, so never had the chance to be a grandad. But our dcs know of him, they refer to him as grandad and one of them has chosen to name their dc1 after him (its not a common name, so definitely chosen for that reason).

I'm Granny and my partner of 20 years is Grandpa to DGS who is 12. My ex is still around and sees him about twice a year and is referred to as Grandad Steve - he has had no hands on grandparenting. When my partner's DS and DIL had their first baby last year, he wrote (totally unprompted) a lovely note to 12-yr old to say he would always be his numero uno grandson. I think you can decide what to call a non-biological grandparent by the relationship they have with the child and what comes naturally to the parents - my partner would have felt hurt and excluded if he hadn't been given some grandparenty title! (DGS refers to his stepmother as The Mean Girl in private as that is how she treats him.)

@doublehelix

It can be tricky but in many ways is the opposite of how we would like grandparents to treat step grandchildren. We think it's awful to make a distinction and only eg treat biological grandchild.

If they are going to act as a grandparent and give their time/love and have a role they probably deserve the name. Can be a slightly different one from what would have been your dad's though as a compromise.

This is my feeling. The bloke and I have been married for 20 years. His grandchildren are the only grandchildren I’ll ever have.

I said we’d see what the biological grandmas wanted to be called and I’d take what was left over. To my great relief, neither of them wanted Granny, which was what I really wanted. If either of them had wanted it I’d have been Oma - I detest Nanny or Nana.

My mum and dad divorced when I was in my late 20s and they are both now remarried. My mums husband has as big a part to play in my DCs life as my dad does and as such he gets a title that he and my mum chose. Same goes with my dads wife. I don't refer to either of them as step-mum or step-dad.

I think different things suit different families
Dp's mum is Nain as we are Welsh, my dm is grandma and exdh mother is nana , however DP is and always has been his name and always will be i suspect.

My issue with this is your dm pushing it for your own agenda. There is nothing more annoying that the grandparents pushing things like this to satisfy their own need for something. I get very much how odd it can feel when your partner isn't biologically connected to your DC etc. DP does all the crap bit of parenting , is my partner but isn't connected biologically. It's an odd feeling.

What I do feel strongly is I wouldn't push this when I am older to validate DP in any way , or our relationship its not appropriate. That's what this sounds like , a wierd validation of her dh in the family. Not the time or the place.

Difficult conversation to be had I would say , be clear you don't feel comfortable and offer an alternative

I think it depends on his role in her life, rather than yours. My son has always referred to his grandmother's partner as granddad. Every week he spends time with his grandparents and it was just a natural thing. Son's father has never referred to this man as his dad or stepdad, but he's never been any less of a granddad.

My children called my mother's husband his first name. He decided that was rude and insisted I call him Dad and my children call him Grandpa. We now call him the person we never see or talk to. He tries to Skype them and they just ignore his attempts. When they Skype with their grandson and great nan he tries to interrupt and they quickly and their discussion. He is truly a horrible man with not an ounce of common sense and he really needs to wake up before he ends up alone and homeless

I never met my grandfather. He died when my father was only 9 or 10 so my gran's husband was the only "grandfather" option on that side of the family.

We called him Uncle Hisname.

He was clearly loved by my grandmother and was family by that extension, but beyond that he was just someone to be polite to in comparison with my mother's father who was an active part of our lives in his grumpy but endearing way. As one of the youngest grandchildren I don't know if the Uncle appellation was because he stood apart from the family aside from my gran or if he stood apart from the family because he was called Uncle but we did have a familiar affection for him and never treated him with anything less than the appropriate level of respect and care.

Maybe "Uncle" could give your mother the acknowledgement that he is 'family' to your DC but not replacing the space your dad would have taken.

It depends.

If your DM's DH is a nice man, the marriage is likely to last and he is keen to be part of the family, then yes, grandad would be ok with me particularly as your own Ddad is no longer alive.

I had a stepgrandmother growing up; we called her "nana". We weren't close as my dad didn't like her hence we didn't visit often and lived far away but to be fair to my dad, he didn't make his feelings known to us when we were kids.

I remember her with fondness though. She tried hard with us and was a good grandma even though she didn't have to be.

I would say to your mum that you are not comfortable with this and intend to tell your child that her real granddad died early (when she is old enough to understand) but will be showing her photos of him for now and referring to him as granddad.

So you will have to come with another name which is acceptable to both of you. That would have to happen if he was still alive. I am a nanny and my son in laws' mum was always granny, so not a problem there. The mother of my other daughter's boyfriend was already Nana to other grandchildren so couldn't expect her to change. Close to Nanny but not impossible to distinguish.

My uncle died and my Aunt remarried. He is known as Pops to the family, which is lovely especially given that my Uncle was already Grandad.

My Grandchildren vary. Some use my husband's first name, some say Grandad. We don't mind. Whatever he's called, he's still treated like a Grandparent. Have you thought of using a special name for him? Explain to your Mum that Grandad is what your Dad would have been, and so that's too hard for you. Among people I know, they use "Grumps" "Papi" "Pops". and "Nandad" Maybe make a name out of his first name? Or a feature, such as "Granbeard" The main thing for your Mum seems to be her need to have him involved. A special name would do that.

My nephews call my dad Sharp (which my oldest nephew came up with when he was about 3 as his beard was too sharp) and he is their grandad. They called their other grandad Tat (don't know where that came from).
They are in their 20s now and still use these names. The point is it's just a name it doesn't change their relationship. These names are probably a bit too weird for your daughter to use but could come up with a special name. Or as someone suggested say grandad and his name.
If he's not going to be involved in her life though I would just use his name

Haven't RTFT but does he want to be called Grandad?

My DSS & his partner are expecting & I'm happy to be known as my first name, in fact it's what I'd prefer. DSS calls me by my name so I think it would be better.

However my other DSS has mentioned about his futute children calling me a grandparent name as he has no relationship with his mum & doesn't want one.

I will be an active & excited step grandparent & the name I'm given won't alter that.

Wait until you dd is old enough to talk then see what she refers to him as.

@letsdolunch321

Surely this will be whatever she hears everyone else referring to him as ... so don’t think that would work

I would personally ask him what he wants. If he isn't keen, problem solved. He can speak to your mother. If he does want to be a grandad then I personally would allow that for convenience really, he's still going to be a grandad figure to your child, it just makes sense. But I'd probably go for "Grandad Dave" rather than just grandad, which can still be reserved for you dad. Make sure she sees photos of him, talk about him with her, tell her stories, etc. and (if it fits with your belief system) how he is her "angel grandad" or how he's always with her, that kind of thing. Just because he isn't here physically it doesn't mean she doesn't get to have him as her grandad in some way.

My DM died when I was a teenager but my DF didn’t remarry until I was an adult. My DSM was the only DGM my DC met On my side so I didn’t stop them calling her Grandma. I never saw her as replacing my DM nor did she ever try (she was a lovely lady) but she played the role of Grandma in my DC’s lives.

It doesn’t diminish the importance of your DDad for the children to build a bond with your DM’s partner.

My DCs are KS2 age. MIL was remarried and then widowed. My DCs still can't quite get their heads around their having been somebody else in MIL's life other than FIL (who they know she is no longer married to). I don't think DCs really make conscious choices... They know who is special to us and to them and that's all that matters.

If your DM'S husband is likely to be emotionally involved with them then why not let him be grandad? I really can't see how it takes anything away from what your dad was to them. They'll be 10+ anyway before they can really understand the concept of someone that you loved that they've never known.

Our DCs happen to have two biological 'grandads'. We still have to always refer to them as Grandad Dave and Grandad Mike even though they're both alive and well! Grandmothers are easier because they've chosen different names for themselves.