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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
eatsleepread · 09/08/2020 10:22

YABU.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 09/08/2020 10:23

Could everyone please calm down and focus on advice that might help the OP, rather than arguing, ranking your trauma higher than hers, painting her partner and the doctors as the worst abusers ever?

Elsiebear90 · 09/08/2020 10:23

I work in healthcare, not a midwife, but carry out some intimate procedures on patients, YANBU here at all, you were asked if it was okay if you husband looked at your genitals while giving birth and you clearly said no, and refused to consent to that, the team there and your husband ignored your wishes and he looked anyway. It’s irrelevant whether other women think he should have looked, it’s irrelevant that he was “curious”, that “he’s the dad”, “that he was excited”. You were the patient, it is your body and your genitals, no one should be able to decide that someone can “have a look” when you have capacity and have refused.

Speak to PALS and complain, I’m so sorry you were treated this way.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/08/2020 10:24

The lack of respect for birthing women here is very depressing.

RidingOn · 09/08/2020 10:24

What @Sexnotgender said: I forgot to say congratulations @IsoBordem you are TOTALLY not being unreasonable and I’m 100% on your side, I just hope you can move past this and enjoy your beautiful new baby flowers.

MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 10:24

Lots of man haters on here..?

Nope, just women who know a woman had a right to her body in any and every situation. Even giving birth to a baby when the father is present. It's still entirely her body until the baby is out.

Choochoose · 09/08/2020 10:25

When you feel ready OP, I would ask for a debrief, it was hugely valuable for me, but I couldn't face it until about a year after giving birth. I would also consider reporting to PALS as well, your wishes shouldn't be disregarded. I do hope for your sake that you can find peace with it, and perhaps talk to DH- it's a hugely stressful time anyway, let alone with this happening as well.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/08/2020 10:26

The father being a man is irrelevant. Any decent birthing partner respects mums wishes.

AfterSchoolWorry · 09/08/2020 10:27

@Sexnotgender

I think it's a big moment for a dad too and what is the harm in him looking?

Because it’s the woman’s body and she gets final say as to who looks at what! It’s not a bloody spectator sport.

Amen. Can't believe anyone thinks OP is unreasonable. Yanbu
piscean10 · 09/08/2020 10:29

OP many posters agree with you, and equally many dont. So what do you want to do going forward? Hold this over him, and use this as an example to distrust him or accept it happened and move forward. What would you like your dh to do now that will make it better?
Pp pointed out he wasnt there to assist in any Medical role so why was he looking, maybe he got emotional at the thought of his baby and forgot that he wasnt meant to.

Elmo311 · 09/08/2020 10:29

I would've been the same Op, but i ended up with a C section anyway and he saw my insides!

sugarfreemint · 09/08/2020 10:29

YANBU!!

I had this EXACT thing happen to me.
Forceps delivery in theatre. Very anxious about DH staying up near my head. Started pushing and the dr instructs him to go down to my feet to ‘watch’ Angry

I’m surprised how many yabu votes there are. It’s my body. My partner is there for support, not to be a spectator. To be pulled down to the ‘business end’ to get a full-on view when I don’t want that is just humiliating. Plus why do it without even asking me? Can you imagine going for a smear and taking someone for support then the nurse telling them to come down and have a look because it’s interesting, without asking you if you’re ok with that.

For me the whole experience was out of control and that was the tiny shred of choice I had left, and it was taken away.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 10:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

stayathomer · 09/08/2020 10:31

your husband ignored your wishes and he looked anyway.
That's a very extreme thing to say, we all know how crazy it is when a baby is born, all common sense, normality, whatever goes out the window. He was there for your support, but also for his baby, whether he forgot, got caught up in the moment, whether he knew he'd regret it if he didn't and his reaction was to look, it wasn't a spiteful or oneupmanship thing, he looked to see his baby being born. You can all talk about it being a woman's body, but his child was being born. Hope you're okay though OP!

sugarfreemint · 09/08/2020 10:31

Also I COMPLETELY respect and understand that some women are fine with their partner watching.

The key thing is that it’s their CHOICE.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 10:32

I’m on the fence. On the one hand it’s your body and told him not to.

On the other, his baby was about to be born. It’s the most magical thing in the world.

So morally does your self confidence trump his right to see his baby actually being born in to the world?....

Choochoose · 09/08/2020 10:33

So morally does your self confidence trump his right to see his baby actually being born in to the world?....

But it's not just to do with self confidence is it, and yes, yes it does.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 10:34

Btw I’m not saying you’re wrong OP. I can understand why you’d be annoyed, but I wouldn’t be in an absolute rage with him

Sailingblue · 09/08/2020 10:35

I do wonder though how much views on this comes down to birthing experiences. As I’ve said upthead, my 1st I honestly don’t think any birth partner could have avoided seeing, my 2nd was a lovely quick water birth where my husband missed all the gory bits and had a baby presented to him. It sounds like the OP had a pretty awful birth and I don’t think anyone can be fully prepared for that or know what they’d do or how they’d react in the heat of the moment.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/08/2020 10:35

Women aren't just baby producing husks to make other people happy

2pinkginsplease · 09/08/2020 10:36

Ido think you need to forget about it and move on, during Labour it’s so easy to get caught up on the excitement and drama. He maybe didn’t want to look but felt cajoled by the doctor.

I think you are over reacting, the birth of your child is an amazing experience and you are letting this overshadow things.

MarthasGinYard · 09/08/2020 10:36

Yanbu Op

Sorry you had such an awful experience

Your wishes should absolutely have been respected, especially by medical professionals and your own DH

Panda368 · 09/08/2020 10:36

@jessstan2

Who is completely naked and has legs in stirrups whilst giving birth?
Erm some people do. I did as i was hoiked out of the pool and transferred to the labourward. I was then essentially held down on the bed in stirrups while they delivered my baby with the vontuse. Instrumental deliveries can be highly dehumanising and traumatic. And women can wear as much or as little as they want and shouldnt be critisized for either.

Posts like this and all the following comments still make me anxious. I once posted here about my expierence looking for some support and was told i was "being silly" for being so upset as my baby was fine. I then begged mn to delete it as i was looking for support and got the opposite.

Women have a right to have their wishes respected and not be treated like birthing objects or viewed in ways that make them uncomfortable.

Her wishes we ignored. That is the point it isnt a question of wether other posters personally agree with her CHOICE about wether or not to have her parter watch from that view point

SnuggyBuggy · 09/08/2020 10:38

I think stirrups are used for instrumental deliveries because by tilting your hips up your internals sag away from the vagina and are at less risk or something.

Jacky209990 · 09/08/2020 10:39

Why is ivf even being mentioned? Don't think the op said I've had the most invasive experience. She made a request by someone who should have been supporting her and is upset that request wasn't listened to. You are soo vulnerable and can feel like you have no power/control during birth. I suppose he probably did get cough up in the moment, but that doesn't take away your right to be upset with him looking. What happens during birth can stay with you and impact you for a long time. There are support networks out there. Theres a birth trauma facebook group which is really supportive.