To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

YANBU to be upset that your partner did anything you specifically asked him not to. This goes for anything.

YABU to be so precious about dignity in a long term, serious relationship. Sorry.

Your husband was not unreasonable to want to look - it is a big moment. But given your expressed wishes it is unreasonable for him to have actually looked.

Your body is your own and your are not unreasonable to be upset. I also don't think the doctors should be encouraging people to watch without the permission of the woman giving birth.

@022828MAN

YANBU to be upset that your partner did anything you specifically asked him not to. This goes for anything.

YABU to be so precious about dignity in a long term, serious relationship. Sorry.

^^ This with a cherry 🍒 on top

I can't believe the majority think you are unreasonable - what happened to my body, my choice?

Dad instinct? If the dad instinct kicked in when the woman wanted an abortion, would that mean he could decide she was keeping the baby?

He shouldn't have looked. Have you talked with him since about it?

It's an awkward situation for all, I wasn't comfortable about the idea of my OH looking down there when it's all distorted, bloody and being stretched to death! I don't like it under normal circumstances, but I appreciate its equally awkward for my OH to be expected to look like its all natural and normal as the midwives see this day in day out and think men shouldn't be afraid to see childbirth, for him to say no thanks might make him look a bit old fashioned... And he might actually want to see his child arrive too so in that situation I choose to just accept it and hope my oh wasn't forever traumatised of wanting to have sex again 😂 if anything, perhaps I feel he has seen me at my most vulnerable, and it creates a little bit of an extra special trust. He has never spoken about it being a disgusting experience or anything like that so I appreciate him not making me feel bad.

I'd forgive and move on, yes it's something that perhaps needs to be taken into account more that not every woman is OK with the husbands looking and perhaps the midwives should ask this on arrival and make sure its adhered too. I think if I had a big problem with this, I'd have said, actually no thank you, not OK with that.

No one listens to anything a woman in labour says. Midwives apparently know better than you and hubby probably terrified and excited. It’s normal to want to see what’s happening when your giving birth I think- I would rather have watched it than done it tbh!! Just be happy
You have healthy baby and get in with your new life!

I don't 'get' this at all. Presumably your husband has seen your genitalia before and he was instrumental in putting half the baby ingredients inside you. Surely being present at a birth involves watching the baby come out.

However I know that some strict religious beliefs forbid looking 'down there' during a birth; husband sits next to wife and encourages her from that end.

I suppose it is all up to you but it's over now so why worry.

@PicsInRed

I can see what you mean, OP. That it made you feel that you weren't a human patient, in terrible pain, that you were merely some inanimate object to be observed, a curiosity. That your wishes and feelings were completely irrelevant to the humans in the room. Feeling dehumanised can be terrifying, instinctively, because of the poor care which can result.

That your husband participated, rather than acted as your advocate, must make you feel so unsafe - he didn't have your back when it counts and that will make you wonder if he would adequately advocate for you in future medical events.

I hear you.

Wholeheartedy agree with this.

A partner not being on your team during a traumatic time
can be devastating - been there in slightly different circs, op
and can empathise.

Take care of yourself.

@PicsInRed

I can see what you mean, OP. That it made you feel that you weren't a human patient, in terrible pain, that you were merely some inanimate object to be observed, a curiosity. That your wishes and feelings were completely irrelevant to the humans in the room. Feeling dehumanised can be terrifying, instinctively, because of the poor care which can result.

That your husband participated, rather than acted as your advocate, must make you feel so unsafe - he didn't have your back when it counts and that will make you wonder if he would adequately advocate for you in future medical events.

I hear you.

That's really helpful and will do absolutely nothing to add to the OPs already heightened anxiety about the experience!

OP, I had an horrific first delivery and felt totally out of control. For all sorts of reasons. As others have advised, you need a debrief with someone about how you're now feeling. Whilst your feelings are totally valid and not uncommon, so are those of your dps. My dp went to pieces during my delivery and wasn't able to do very much to help, which I got very hung up on afterwards, after some support for both of us via our gp, I accepted that he felt at the time that he was watching his wife and unborn baby die in front of him, and as a result shut down emotionally.
You've had a hard time, you're struggling to process things, and you're angry that he didn't do as you'd asked. You need to decide if this is something you can't forgive, or if in time you'll accept what happened and move on.

God so much dismissive bullshit on here. Women are allowed to say fucking no.

I think to expect him to be in the room supporting you but not look and see his baby being born is totally unrealistic. Isn't that why most fathers are present at the birth?

It isn't all about you. Assuming your partner is your child's father, you would not be bringing your child into the world if it wasn't for him. Be fair. It is his child too.

I am sorry you had such a terrible experience but I don't think you should be annoyed with your partner. I think the expectations you placed on him were too high.

My husband really regretted looking down at the business end during my first labour (which involved extensive tearing and an episiotomy).

He was actually quite traumatised.

I didn’t care at the time, but with hindsight, I’d not want him looking down there.

It is absolutely not "a moment for the dad too" - fuck off with that shit.

OP I'm sorry you went through that experience. I have too and I would say that it is still normal for women to be sexually assaulted during childbirth. The motivation for the perpetrator won't have been sexual, but for the victim, it makes no difference.

Examinations during childbirth are frequently unnecessary and incredibly painful. They often come about because the woman is not believed when she says what is happening "I need to push", "I'm in labour" etc.

People really don't like statements as stark as the above, but the vagina mesh scandal is really the tip of a massive iceberg.

Your DH probably doesn't feel like he was wrong to go against what you wanted during something that was happening to you, because he was constantly vindicated while you were disregarded during the process. However, he was wrong and so was everyone else in that room with you.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I believe and support you.

Yanbu. İ didn't let my DH watch any of them. We are of a culture where that is normal though. He missed the first because the midwife wouldn't check me or listen to me and sent him home. Then realised actually i didn't need him with me and i was more comfortable doing it on my own so i could concentrate. So with 2 he was kicked out for pushing and 3 was a home birth so he was downstairs with the others and 4 he was home with the others. İ also worried he wouldn't look at me the same way again if he looked. Again.... Culture has implemented these thoughts into both if us.

I wonder how many of you saying it's fine and op should get over it have actually watched a baby being born?

I was a birthing partner way before I had dc myself and it's a sight that you won't forget.

Whilst I respect some women are fine with this and feel it important to both them and their DP that they get to witness that moment for me after seeing it myself I knew it was something I'd never want dh to see.

We all have our lines and boundaries of what we're comfortable with but that seems to go out the window during pregnancy and birth when we're often just treated as a vessel.

That being said if it was an emergency he would 100% help to deliver the baby! İt's all circumstancial

@Sexnotgender

God so much dismissive bullshit on here. Women are allowed to say fucking no.

I agree, so much dismissive, 'Im ok with it so you should be too.'

I think yabu. Presumably he looks when you have sex so I'm not sure why this is any different. I think you are taking out you anger on him due to the treatment from the other medical professionals.

I was very clear with my DH that he was at my head end only. He agreed beforehand. I also told the midwives he was staying at the head end.
I also would have been very upset if he hadn’t. You don’t have to justify those feelings. They are yours and you are entitled to them.
OP I also had a horrendous birth experience. It helped me massively to write a letter to the hospital outlining what I feel they did badly and what I felt went wrong. I didn’t do it immediately but when I did it helped.
I received an apology and they put some measures in place to stop it happening again. It gave me some closure. It might help you to write it all down, even if you don’t send it to anyone.
Alternatively you could speak to your GP if you are struggling to work through the birth experience. I’m sorry it was so traumatic for you.

The doctor did ask if it was ok and I did say no, I would prefer he didn't look. At the same time I also said I didn't want to see but the doctor still grabbed the mirror to show me.

Not sure what the IVF thing has to do with it?

It was a horrible induced labour (the induction didn't really work), the epidural stopped working so I had a back to back birth with an episiotomy and forceps delivery with no pain relief. I tried pushing for 3 hours with no luck. No one listened to me and my partner failed to advocate for me. The least he could have done was to listen to my wishes.

I'd blame the doctor and not your partner. It's a shame you had a bad experience.

@Piscean10 have you had a baby before? İ can tell you it looks very different giving birth than when you have sex. İt's not about the looking it's about what they will see and how they will associate you after. Some men can seperate the two. Some can't!

YANBU, your husband should have respected your wishes and it’s wrong that he didn’t.

I’m appalled that so many women are making excuses for this man.

He was there to support her. At a vulnerable time when it was difficult for her to ensure her wishes were heard and when the situation was likely to feel out of her control.

His priority should have been her. He should have looked to her to see if she wanted him to take a look. Always. No excuses. And without her express permission he should have damned well stayed put.

Stop making excuses for him. Dad instinct my arse. Dad instinct is to protect mum.

Of course you should bring this up with him and tell him you felt out of control, ignored and vulnerable and that the one person in the room you thought you could rely on to listen to your wishes and to prioritise you over all else allowed himself to get caught up in the excitement of the moment and forget you. Important to raise this. And if you have another baby maybe explicitly tell the midwife beforehand.

No one listened to me and my partner failed to advocate for me. The least he could have done was to listen to my wishes

This makes me think there are far bigger issues in your relationship than just this.